Yeah...

So I've been a little absent...the reasons why...
-Sea Salt Truffles -click on it for the reciepe
-Apple Pies - my favorite holiday treat
-An 11 year with an attitude that could peel paint off a wall
-only doing handmade gifts this year (exceept for Russ-just couldn't figure out how to make what he needed)
-A 16 year old who thinks the world revolves around her
-And on top of all that, I'm working out 3-4 times a week and really focused on my health
Time to run...

Christmas is coming...

Here is a small little detail about adopting that no one discloses to you...
-Holidays without your kids are hard.
Okay, I don't know who would be in charge of disclosing this. Or if they could really prepare you. Or if you'd listen in the excitement of getting paperwork together.
Last year was hard. However, they were just an idea. They were pictures. They were 2D.
This year. We know what they feel like in our arms. We know their laugh. We know how much they'd love the Christmas lights, staying up till midnight on Christmas Eve, the turkey and rolls, sitting on Grandpa's lap, and being here surrounded by family that loves and adores them. We want to share this with them. We want to see their face on Christmas morning. We want a complete family for Christmas. We want to be together. And while our Christmas morning will be like years before, it will be hollow without Re and Er. Hollow is the best word I have to describe it.
And while we will enjoy moments with Ce and P, and we will experience joy and peace, it will all be twinged with the sadness that we are separated from the ones we love. And yet, we know that Christmas is a time of sadness, hurt and pain for many other people. A time to remember those who are gone from their lives. A time to remember that which is painful. A time to endure. We know that God desires more for us. He desires a life of joy, even in times of sadness. He says he is present at all times. And that he came to earth, not just for a salvation moment, but a lifetime relationship. A God who knows our pain, who has endured that pain, and who promises to redeem our pain, and desires to have us rest in his promises. And that is the joy that can overshadow any sorrow we have.

48 hours - The Lost Children

If you got to watch this, I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you didn't, here is the story. It's heartbreaking. It's devastating. It's WRONG! It makes me angry. It scares me. It makes me angry again. Angry for the children. Angry for the birth parents. Angry for the adopting parents.
This is the reason why adopting internationally is risky. It's the reason signatures are double checked. It is the reason birth parents should be interviewed. It's the reason both governments MUST act responsibility. It is the horror story of any parent who adopts. That they one day will discover their child is not truly theirs.
It's the story of adoption in Samoa. The adoption of children who were NOT true orphans. The story of a organization that lacked integrity, and two governments that failed the children involved.
Focus on Children acted wrongly. They lied. They elaborated. They weren't honest with birth parents or adoptive families. They called adoption a 'program'. They promised the children would return. They promised pictures and updates to the birth parents. They LIED.
They lied to adoptive parents. They said their children were orphans. That they had no family to care for them. The deceit is sickening. And what is even more sickening, there were questions about the integrity of the program - and it continued. Until a child died.
And children were telling their new parents about their birth parents. Birth parents that didn't exist. That shouldn't be remembered. And then it was too late to fix the mistakes.
And then, 57 adoptive parents are faced with a difficult decision. What is best for the child? Return to the birth family, living in less than ideal living conditions (according to our American standards)? Or a life here in America? With privileges and opportunities not available otherwise. Do you right the wrong? Traumatize the child again? If you were the birth parent, what choice is right? If you are the adoptive parent, what is the right choice? Who legally has a 'right' to this child? Do we have 'rights' to another human? What is the criteria to make such a decision?
One family took their daughter back to Samoa to visit. And left without her. Because it was right for her. She belonged with her family, her birth family. One family vows to fight for their child. To hold up their end of the bargain, to be a forever family - no matter what. One family is encouraging and allowing a relationship with the birth family. I don't know that one answer is better than another. Hopefully it's what is best for each child.
I have a friend whose children went back to the birth parents. Not here in the States, with CSD overlooking these parents. Not in a country with social services to be sure there was at least food on the table. Not in a country with safety nets. Heartbreaking, and yet joyous. Heartbreaking for her. Joyous for the birth parents. They are able to have their family complete. And yet, there is a part of my heart that wonders what life they would have had here, instead of in a third world country.
This story is a sad testament to the fact that adoption is a business. It's a financial and legal transaction. Albeit, an emotional one. And it's a business that MUST be properly overseen. There must be checks and balances in place. There must be oversight that keeps this from happening again. In another country. With other children.
And while I wish my kids were here now, I wouldn't want to bypass all the legal checks and balances in place. They matter. They reassure me and my kids- they truly were orphaned. Their mother really did die. Their father really couldn't care for them. The father understood the decision he was making. He agreed this was best for them. He choose this for them, as a loving parent. This is also the reason to choose carefully, wisely, and prayerfully the people who will be facilitating your adoption. No judgement on the adoptive families involved in this story. But more a lesson learned. And a reason to be thankful for the process that is in place to protect my children.

Thankful for...

Because gratefulness brings contentment - and I'm struggling to be content.

I'm thankful for:

-Heat, Electric blankets, kids to cuddle with, warm coats, gloves, hats, mittens, car heaters, warm socks, hot water, warm food, hot coffee, anything else that takes this chill off.

-Coffee - wonderful, glorious coffee. You, my friend, have always served me well. Your richness, your boldness, the ritual of creating the perfect cup of you, the first taste, the slow enjoyment of a cup, the order you bring to my brain, and how you smell. Oh, how you smell. Heaven will smell like you, fresh roasted, fresh ground and french pressed.

-Lovely, healthy, cheap food. The ability to go to a grocery store and purchase fresh fruits, to have a selection of proteins, and we won't mention the variety of coffee creamer available. To have choices about the food we eat. To have 5 different lettuces to choose from. To have 4 different brands of peanut butter. To have whole grain bread, skinny cow ice cream and carrots all available and affordable.

-Electricity - to post on my blog, to have light at night, to watch another episode of The Office, to bake a cake, cook dinner, and all without wondering how to pay for it or if it will continue to work.

Okay, feeling a little better. So much to be thankful for. It's easy to get distracted by all that I feel I have to go without some days. By the lack of disposable income to take vacations, or go out to eat, or buy new furniture. Or the lack of ability to buy whatever my heart currently desires. However, I've come to realize that buying everything your heart desires only creates a heart that always desires more stuff. But some days I can't help but long for a bank account with a few more zero's. Instead I will be thankful for the huge amount of blessings I do have. And recognize that this too shall pass.

November Update - Dang it - they are just tooo cute!

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is the best word I know to describe how I currently feel. There is a double edge to everything. Where there is joy, there is sorrow. Where there is happiness, there is sadness. I knew it was coming. However, I don't know how you prepare for it.
The holidays are bittersweet. I'm glad to see family, but I hate explaining why our kids aren't here. I'm thankful for so much, but my family is incomplete. I love spending time with my kids, I hate being away for my kids.
Watching friends adoptions come to completion. So excited for them. Overjoyed for them. Nothing but LOVE that they are holding their children. Soo sad that it's been so long since we've held ours. Soo sad that there isn't a clear end in sight. It doesn't take away the joy we feel for them. It's just bittersweet. It brings us hope that adoptions DO create families. The process does end. It will be our turn one day. Just wish it was NOW.
Living in tension. That is where God can be met. The tension makes us grow. Causes us to expand beyond our own limitations. I want to wallow in the sorrow. I want to throw a party in the sadness. But the JOY pulls me out. It requires more of me. God requires more of me. It's not just about me.

Thankful

I'm thankful for:
-A God that is loving, gracious, and above all else finds me worthy.
-A husband who mirrors what love can look like to me.
-A daughter who is beautiful in spirit and heart.
-A daughter that is spunky and fun.
-A son whose smile can light up a room.
-A daughter whose laugh will bring you to your knees.
-A home that has a floor, a roof, heat, running water and electricity.
-A country that allows for freedoms that many people find unimaginable.
-A bunch of friends who love me for me- wine drinking, clove smoking, occasionally cussing, and been known to be a bit loud ME.
-A body that allows me to enjoy all of this. That my health problems allow me to see the blessing good health is, and don't create bitterness and frustration.
-A God-family that see's past the box that church can be, and is truly a family of imperfect people loving each other.
-A church that wants so much more than to be a social hour on Sunday mornings. That wants to love Jesus and love people - every day.

Yes, I am quite blessed. Even if only the first line were true, I'd be blessed beyond measure. And yet, God isn't satisfied with us just having his love. He desires abundant life for us.

Things not to say..Part 2

I've heard from a couple friends about the 'Things not to say' post. Situations they have ran into. And again, I'm amazed that people have no boundaries. I think that as we share our stories, people assume it's okay to ask or comment on anything. Since your sharing anyways...please satisfy my curiosity about......

So Part 2...
Couple are biologically unable to have children. Painful, Painful situation. *disclaimer - this is not our situation - so I'm risking it on a limb and thinking it through as I would.
-Why don't you just have your own? Have you tried that? Nope - we haven't been to doctors, had our hopes up and then been disappointed, tried painful procedures and come to the painful conclusion that it wasn't meant to happen that way. (I used painful alot, because I can only imagine how painful it must be). But we are excited and hopeful about our current situation. We are grateful to have a family in any way God provides. But thanks for reminding us that people think it's not quite good enough. That it would be somehow better if we could have just had done it 'naturally'.
Instead - I'm sorry you've had such a long, hard road. I'll pray for the floodgates of blessing to pour out over you.

Couple have chosen surrogacy. *disclaimer-not I, and not something we ever had to consider. However, I believe families are made in many different, blessed ways. And many different people come to be parents through different journeys. And they are all called blessed. Surrogacy is even more amazing to me, because it means a third person has to be willing to sacrifice and look beyond themselves that is truly inspiring to me.
-Did you have sex with the woman carrying your child? Hmmm...while that happens outside of the medical profession on occasion - that is a pretty big assumption to make. I don't really know what to say to this. Just assume that they did it the way it's medically done. Specimen in a cup, petri dish, insert fertilized egg into surrogate, and there's a baby (okay it's a little more complicated than that). Done in a medical office, with a doctor. Not in a hotel, having fake sex. There is nothing to say instead - just don't say anything. They will share the process as they feel comfortable.

Couple have a few biological children and have adopted a more. People hear news that they have adopted another one.
-Aren't you done yet? Don't you have enough children. You're getting to old.
Really, since when do we get to judge if someone is done building their family. As long as the kids are loved, cared for, and they are financially solvent, so what? I didn't realize there is a cap on the number of children Americans can have. I didn't realize that the right to judge this has been given to your family and friends. Assume that they know their limits, and be joyful for them. Regardless if it's child #1 or #10, the joy of a child is the same. Be happy for them, keep your opinions about their families size to yourselves.

I also have said a few things at times I wish I could take back. I've been the ding-dong who said something hurtful or insensitive. We all have and will. After the last two years, I will be alot slower to judge someone else's motivations and decisions around how they build a family. And I'll spend alot more time listening to people's stories, and hearing their pain and joy, than determining if I can agree with their decisions. And that will serve me well in all area's of my life. Another lesson learned through this process.

And to those family and friends from the above situations, I'm sorry for your pain. I'm happy for your JOY. And I pray that our little story brings you hope.

ISAIAH...

I just finished my bible study on Isaiah. It only took me 9 months to do a 3 month study. Thank God that there isn't a dead line to finish. (I meant that literally).

So Isaiah wasn't exactly what I thought I needed. But God knew better. He knew I'd be heading into the desert. He knew I'd need the words of a man who has seen a few deserts and could remember God's promises. I'd need to remember that God's ways are perfect and it matters how we respond to who he is. That freedom is found in surrender and dependence. That freedom is found in doing it God's ways, instead of our own. That it's not about being religious, or legalistic. It's not just about following the law. But about understanding God's heart, desiring to be in this will, and trusting him with your deepest needs.

It is really this simple...
doing it myself = weary, frightened, angry and alone
depending and surrendering to God = redeemed, soaring on the wings of an eagle

9 months of study, and it comes down to that equation. However, I couldn't have gotten there without understanding how the Israelites struggled, just like me, to depend on God. And how things went south every time they stopped looking to God. And how God redeemed them when they came back. He always redeemed them. Always! Not when they were good enough, or sorry enough, or strong enough, or deserved it. Which is good because I'm sure not going to ever be strong enough, sorry enough or good enough. I try, and get weary. And then I yell at someone in traffic, or get petty with R, or start to question the task God has called me to. And there he is, ready to begin anew.
Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort those who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, an planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
Or how I heard God saying it to me:
Isaiah has been given this proclamation - to bring joy filled news to those with little or nothing. That he is going heal the wounds in your heart, he is going to give you freedom in the areas you are in bondage to. He will show who he is through the work he does in my life. He will comfort me as I mourn, he will provide what I need to walk through grief. And it will be to give me a spirit that is beautiful for all to see, instead of the ugliness I can be. He will give me happiness instead of hurt, and an ability to praise instead of despair. And all of this will display his goodness for all to see.

When your in the desert, those words are water to your soul.

What not to say...

-Why not just have more biological children if you wanted a bigger family?
When I hear this, it sounds like adoption is a second choice. Like it's a substitute to having your 'own children'. It's our first choice. It's always been something we have longed to do. We have prayed for YEARS for God to provide a way for us to adopt. It's never been a substitute. We enjoyed the beautiful process of having biological children. It's not better than adopting. It is very different. Adoption has taught and grown us soo much, much more than either of our pregnancies. But neither process is a 'better' way to grow your family.
*Say instead -How did God lead you to adopt?

-Your kids are so lucky. Lucky-NO! The life of an orphan is not lucky. Losing a mother to death. Losing their birth father and siblings to poverty. Lack of clean water leading to intestinal parasites that cause continuous diarrhea. Lack of healthy food. Lack of a family. Hardly lucky. They are blessed. Blessed to have a birth father willing to give them opportunities he can't provide. Blessed to be surrendered at an amazing orphanage. Blessed to have a forever family to love them. Lucky, not so much. Blessed.
*Say instead - What was the circumstances that led to your children being available?

-Why not adopt in the states? There are so many kids here, and we should take care of that first. Great, go for it. If God has placed foster kids on your heart, contact DHS today and find out what you need to do. There is a need. And it is great, and those kids deserve a home too. But God asked us to go to Haiti. Because the kids in Haiti also deserve a home, as much as any child. And that is where he was building our family.
*Say instead - How did you choose Haiti?

-Aren't they going to be dark. (This is usually said in a hushed tone, in case someone might hear and be offended.) Guess what, it's only by God's Grace I'm not offended. Yep, they are going to be dark. Yes, it does matter to some people. It will be harder at times because of the race issue. Yes, people will notice that they are black. And that we are white. However, God told us Haiti was the country our kids were in. Not alot of white children waiting for adoption in Haiti. So yes, they are dark. And we are not naive about what that means. But we will not live in fear of it.
*Say instead -Your children are beautiful. (I'll happily agree with you.)

-Gosh, your process is taking a long time. I appreciate the reminder because I had somehow forgotten that it has been 13 months since our referral, and two years since our home study. For that few moments at the store, at church, at the party, I hadn't been focused on the length of time. I was enjoying telling you about my kids. About how much closer we are then we were. But I appreciate the focus being reapplied to the most painful part, the long wait.
*Say instead- I'm excited your getting closer. I can't wait to meet them.

-I know .... who adopted and ... happened and it was awful. Attachment disorder. Failed adoptions. Agency dishonesty. Corrupt government. High airfare. Imperfect kids. Bad transitions. I think I've heard a 'personal' story about everything that can and does happen. However, I already knew about all those things. Because I researched. Long before we started our home study. I read the books. I talked to people who experienced adoption. Both the good and the bad. Your neighbors sisters friends story doesn't really matter to me. It's been filtered too many times. I don't know that person. I don't know their story. I don't trust you to give all the important details. If they are willing to pass what they have learned on directly -hook me up. Give me the blog address. Give her my phone number. But don't give me just the grim details, there is always more to the story you don't know.
Say instead - How can I pray for your situation? What are your concerns that I can talk to God about?

-Tell me I need to buy a bigger house. Honestly, it makes you sound shallow. My house is a mansion compared to the home my kids have lived in. Reliable electricity and clean water. That is more than anyone in Haiti can count on. America's perspective is sooo skewed about what is necessary to raise children. The last thing my kids are worried about is if they get their own bedrooms. And I'm quite content with my 'little' house.
-Say instead - How are you going to decorate their room?

-My personal favorite. Are you going to adopt again? That is like asking a woman who is dilated at a ten, pushing with no pain relief if she'd like another baby. She'd look at you with an evil look in her eyes, scream (sounding demon possessed) at you and probably try and get off the bed to inflict immediate physical harm to your body. While my reaction isn't quite that strong, I do mentally picture my hands batting your head between them. No, we are not adopting again. No, we can't begin to even think of a reason to go through this again. No, it's really the last thing on our mind. We don't feel called to adopt again. God may pave a path that leads to that. However he knows not to even mention it now, or I might lose my mind. So I would recommend you not mention either, or I might make you responsible for all 4 of my children in the case I'm taken away in the paddy wagon.
*Say instead -Don't say anything that remotely resembles asking this question. Keep it to yourselves - we will be sure and let people know if we are making plans to adopt again.

My dear friend Jen** and I talked about it. She was saying she needed to blog about it also. I'm sure hers will be more spirit and grace filled. I'm going for cheap laughs, and hopefully some understanding about how comments made with good intentions can sound to those of us who are living this experience. I've learned alot about having grace with people. NO ONE says things with bad intentions. And I choose to focus on the good intentions - and laugh about it.

Stay tuned, maybe I'll tackle what not to say when someone loses a loved one. Ohh...I have some dozzies for that one.

**If you check out Jen's blog- she has the most fabulous news!! I have goosebumps for her, and can't believe she is this close to her baby.

Jazzie

Introducing Jazzie...a border collie who now resides within 10 feet of me at all times.

Jazzie came to stay with us for a couple weeks, while her family found a new living situation. It was a short term stay. And then they found out they couldn't afford a place that took animals. By then, we had bonded. We were close. We couldn't let her go to the pound.

Here are the details:

-She nervous pees. Around men especially. And then is horribly embarrassed. And doesn't want to move and reveal the puddle. But we all know, because it really can't be contained.

-She barks. This surprises us. It shouldn't. She is a dog. Dog=Bark. However, Mattie didn't. Mattie was a greyhound. She barked rarely. Once I let her out, and forgot to let her in. After an hour or so, I heard barking. And wondered why no one was dealing with their dog. It was 10 at night. And then it dawned on, Mattie was still outside. I went to let her in and realized it was MY dog barking. Jazzie barks. At people walking by, at the birds in the yard, at flies, because she wants to play, be fed, petted, or just wants my attention. And it gets old.

-She is a shadow. She follows me. EVERYWHERE. If I go to the bedroom, she lays on the bed and watches me. If I go to the bathroom, she waits outside the door. If I go to make dinner, she lays between the stove and the sink. And when I leave the house, she waits by the front window for me to come home. And if I dare to be outside where she can see me, the pained look on her face is almost to much to bear.

-She is determined to sleep on R's side of the bed. He barely tolerates her sleeping on my side. Yet, she is determined to win him over. Good Luck with that Jaz.

-You can read her face like a book. You know if she is annoyed. Or done something she shouldn't have. Or just wants to be close. There is no guessing what her issue is.

-She is good with the kids, tolerates them well. She is a little rough for them to play with on their own. She does know when one of them is walking her, and doesn't pull. She can get annoyed if they won't leave her alone, and the look on her face is priceless. I feel the same way some days, so I understand.

While we didn't think we were ready for a new dog, God provided one. It was a good price (free) and fits right in to our crazy family. Dogs are alot of work, which reminds me I need to file her nails and clean her ears. However, when they crawl up to lay next to you and snuggle close, there is nothing like it. When you are sick and they won't leave your side, you know you are loved. And all they ask for is an occasional toss of the toy, a little food and water, and to be loved back. I think we can do that.

Introducing...

C as a sweet young girl from the 1950's. The dress was bought Halloween day at 3:30 at Goodwill. She was due to be at The Carnival to help at 4:30. Somehow it all came together-except getting a picture in focus. Probably because I took all of 10 seconds to get four shots before I yelled at her to get in the car. We were 25 minutes late already.


It made me wonder - did kids in the 1950's talk to their parents the ways kids do now? Has memory faded? Has culture changed? Has parenting changed? And how do we go back?

P as a spy for Halloween. Yes, a spy. As in a FBI secret agent. Everyone kept guessing she was a thief. Or a bugler. And this is the look she gave them. Like they don't her. A spy is cool. A burglar is not. DUH! This is also the look you might receive if you asked her how school was, if she has any homework, would like to help by putting her laundry away, or if she like broccoli with dinner.

Update on Re and Er coming soon. We should be entering Courts soon. And hopefully that step goes well, and they should legally be part of the Olson Family. They will be called by our name. There is something about it becoming legal that is a big deal. Beyond the piece of paper. I'm not sure what it is, more reflection needed. Always more reflection is needed. And prayer.

New family member

We have a 'new' short term family member. A 16 year old exchange student. Here is a summary of the last 2 weeks with her. We'll call her CJ.

-2nd day of school. CJ goes to dance at 5:00am. Yes, in the morning. Except she doesn't hear the alarm. At 4:43am, call from ride. Wake up CJ. CJ calls at 6:45am, forgot school books. R agrees to drop them off. Tell CJ to be at the front door. R goes to high school, no CJ by front door. R late. R frustrated. R doesn't like to be late. At All. CJ calls at 2:30, saying she missed the bus. Tell her I'll come once kids get home, will be at 3:45pm. Ask why she missed bus. Had to stay late for a class. hmmm...that doesn't count as missing the bus. Inform her that she needs to plan on calling and walking home if she doesn't catch the bus. CJ understands, and I encourage her to keep a pair of walking shoes in her locker.

-4th day of school. CJ is not home, and should be. An hour goes by, no call, no CJ. Another half an hour. Worried, called coordinator. Coordinator not home, talk to coordinator daughter. Waiting for call back, CJ walks in very tired. She missed the bus and walked home. Along the bus route. Explain need to call home first.

-Next week, CJ calls after school that she missed the bus and would like a ride home. Explain I'm unable to come get her. She needs to put on walking shoes and walk home. She says she is wearing high heels and didn't bring her tennis shoes. Bummer, you still need to walk home. Takes 2 hours to walk halfway home, we only live a couple miles from the school. Friend is kind enough to pick up and bring the rest of the way home. Hopefully we learned the lesson. Catches bus rest of the week.

-Saturday, we go to community center. At 6:15pm informs us she needs to be at school at 7:00pm. We just got in the pool. Tell her we are unable to take her on such short notice. She calls her friends, decides to wait till we are home to figure out what her plan is. Calls her friend, finds out event isn't that Saturday.

-Saturday, makes yummy Korean dinner for us. Despite my warning, eat piece of raw beef. Wakes up 24 hours later, violently throwing up. Blames it on the veggies she ate.

What we have learned...
-16 doesn't mean independent. The exchange program has a completely different idea of independent than I do.
-Kids need a parent at 16 as much (or more) than at 6. They need as many reminders. As much love, grace, and patience as a newborn. They are also funny, and can be quite a bit of help. And they can make dinner.
-We are getting lots of practice for our upcoming parenting years. And practice is always a good thing.

ONE YEAR AGO

One year ago, we were high as a kite. We had been to R's parents house, hoping to get a referral soon. We knew the orphanage had a sibling set in mind for us, and that they were working on referrals. By 9:00pm I had given up hope. I had dropped R off to check the church and walk home. Then I put the girls to bed. I sat down and logged on to check emails. And there was a series of three emails. Proposal in the title. And I ran into the girls room, and told them to get up. That we had news on the adoption. I then ran out the door, barefoot, to track down R. I pulled upside him, and yelled at him to get in the car. I think he was afraid that there was something wrong. I told him we had our proposal, but that I didn't want to open the email without all of us.

So we all sat down on the couch, and opened the email. This was our first glimpse of them.

They are beautiful, and precious. They belong with us, and we belong to them. It's really an amazing process. A family being made, from the depths of poverty and despair. Sounds like a God thing to me. I have mixed feelings about today. Thankful, Sad, Hopeful, Worried, and that is just in the last 10 minutes. However, I have been praying for their birth father. Not the process, not that it would hurry up. I just couldn't keep going there. But really lifting him up, as a grieving father. And really praying for his heart to be healed. And I know God has heard my prayers, even the one's I couldn't speak one more time. And I pray his heart would be filled with peace.

We heard this week that the birth father has been located and completed the birth parent interview with USCIS. This is very good news. For many different reasons. It will be quicker if he is able to come in and give the interviews. Re and Er will know that they were not just abandoned. They were given. The difference is small, and yet huge.

So much more is going on around here. We have a new dog...who is right now making a ton of noise eating. I'm not sure what is going on, and probably should go look. Yeah for me. So far she has ate a stick of butter, tried to sleep on R's side of the bed, and barks at every car that drives by.

We have a exchange student coming on Friday. She is here for a few months. Looking forward to that. I'll share more as I know more. Got to go, dog is trying to get in the tub...hmmm, yeah for me. Maybe she knows she stinks and needs a bath.

Going to bed, I'm tired and had enough fun for one day.

Philipeans...

Good Morning,
I was looking at my new favorite blog. This distinction is subject to change often. However, this one has me laughing on a regular basis - and I need to laugh often these days.
Awkward Family Photos shares the awkwardness that is present in all families. If you click on the link, and you should, check out LOL cats. But go to the bathroom first, because you will be laughing so hard you might just pee a little.

So I was checking it out this am, and the post Operation Wedding cracked me up. Growing up in rural Eastern Oregon, it hit the sweet spot of humor. P was sitting next to me and explained, "Philippians". I looked at her, and she said it again, as if to explain why it was a appropriate response. The blank look on my face must have relayed that I didn't get it. She says, "It looks like the Philippians."

So I have no idea where she is learning about the Philippians. Or why a bunch of white people dressed in camo, would make the connection to a Pacific ocean island of Asian people. Yeah, it was awkward. It's called irony, and it made the situation even funnier. A awkward photo, making an equally awkward moment. I'm still chuckling. P is such a funny kid.

Random stuff..

-P has decided she'd like dreadlocks. Only problem, she's a white kid with blond, straight hair. We are currently wearing lots of braids.
-No camera as of yet. God is teaching me alot through this frustrating process. It's not fair, for both sides. Hopefully it will be resolved with no more drama, and in the end, I'll have a new camera.
-David Crowder's new CD is coming today !! !! !! And it's only one month till the concert. The concert we have V.I.P. tickets too. Which means we get to meet him. And sit up front. And meet him. And meet him. I'm trying to wrap my mind around it, and hopefully I won't be a blubbering idiot when it finally happens.
-Been scrapbooking. Trying to catch up. 4 albums at a time is impossible to maintain.
-I have the sniffles, which makes me whiny and rather pathetic. And dizzy when I blow my nose.
-We have a 'temporary' house guest. A two year old border collie. Who didn't get the memo that the milk man delivers at 3:00am on Monday mornings. And she lost her mind, and a some pee, at the stranger walking up to our front door this morning. It's a good thing she is soo sweet the rest of the time.
-Big, Bang Theory is new this week. Oh, how I love that show. Now only if My Name is Earl would return soon.
-Friday - Cake Wrecks book tour will be attended by yours truly. There will be cake. And Cake Wrecks. And lots of other weird people who find funny blogs a great source of entertainment.

I'm blaming this post on the cold medicine. I'm normally somewhat random - but this is really bad. Sorry!

Isaiah 43:1-7

Isaiah 43:1-4.
But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers; they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...
Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you."
Here is what I heard...
Anita, this is God, your loving father. I created you to do this. When you are on the plane, and the anxiety hits, I will be with you. When you are overwhelmed in the airport, I will be there. When you have to leave your children, and grief overwhelms you - you will not be swept away. When the pain of saying good-bye burns deeply- you and your children's hearts will be protected from damage. Your children and you, are precious to me, honored by me, and I love you. I will be there, every step, every deep breath, every moment of joy, and tear of sorrow. You can do this, and I'm not asking more of you than I know you are capable of.

I posted back on June 1st about this passage, and how God used it to comfort me before we left. I haven't followed up with the rest of story. You see, God knows we forget. He knows we get overwhelmed and lose the feelings of promise. And he knows when we need comfort.

On our last day in Haiti, I woke up and could feel the grief trying to crowd it's way into my day. I felt it trying to suck me in. Trying to steal the joy of being with my kids. Trying to hold me back from falling even deeper in love with them. I could hear the words of deceit, "Don't get anymore attached. It's going to be so hard to leave, don't make it worse. You aren't strong enough. You can't endure this. This is just a mean, crappy process, and really unfair. You didn't sigh up for this." I could keep going on - but I think you got the idea. It was turning into a full fledged pity party, and I was the special guest.

And I went downstairs to get breakfast. I was a few minutes earlier than everyone and was wondering aimlessly around the kitchen. Trying to get a bearing on my day. Trying to find the strength to eat breakfast, go hold my kids, and then fly away from them. And I stood in front of the fridge, and there was a magnet. For a missionary family - with Isaiah 43:1-4 on it. I about fell over. This isn't the kind of verse you'd think to send out to all your family and friends asking for support. It isn't the verse that people readily quote when your in a rough spot. But there it was. "When you pass through the waters, I WILL BE WITH YOU. When you walk through the fire, YOU WILL NOT BE BURNED." In that moment, God wrapped his arms around me, held me up, gave me hope and reassurance. It was almost a physical sensation. I squared my shoulders, a smile flooded my face, and I exited the pity party.

And as I sit here, writing this the tears are flowing. It was such a powerful moment, to know that this process will not scar us. Not me, and not my children.

As I write this, 'While I'm waiting' is playing. This is my anthem for this long process.
'While I'm waiting - I'll serve you, While I'm waiting,-I'll worship, While I'm waiting- I'll will love.' And I will trust that God is present in all of it. In the moments of pain, of joy, of hopelessness, of happiness, of separation, of reunion. He has promised it. When you pass through the waters - I WILL BE WITH YOU. And I pray that somehow - our growth, our witness of God's faithfulness shows the world he is truly trustworthy.

Updates...

Good News!!! We have a new computer!! Here are the August pictures. Re and Er are doing well. Growing, Healthy and Happy. The bump on Er's head is a from a small wart that grew inward and caused an infection. But all is well again. I'm so thankful they are getting such good care at the orphanage.

We are currently in Parquet. It is the District Attorney's office, and part of what they do is interview the birth parent. However, the birth father hasn't been located. While this is a little frustrating, there is really nothing we can do. After even a short time in Haiti, we can understand how it's hard to find someone. We are praying for the birth father, that he is able to find work, provide for his other children, and is comforted in his grief.

The last few couple months have been rough. They say that adoption is a roller coaster, and sometimes I think that is a fair description. However, lately it feels like a bad roller coaster, that only goes down and stays down. I know it's not true, but the feelings are still present. The high of meeting them, led to a long downward part. And it just seems like a really long way to the going up part.

I'm starting to see it level out in the last couple weeks. I think I've come to terms with the idea that it might just be another year till they come home. Our process might take two years. I think I was expecting to be spared the 2 year process. I'm not sure why I thought we'd be different. But it appears it might just take that long. And that has been a hard realization. And has left me feel hopeless and frustrated. However, God is faithful, he is true to his word, and he will bring us together. And I've been continually reminded of that.

Lately...

I haven't posted lately. Here are the lame excuses...
-The computer is broke. Again. Shocking, I know. Using borrowed computer. While I loath my computer, I miss it. It's ability to move quicker than the one it's been replaced with. The way the keys stick a little from past breakfast ate at it's side.
-School is starting. While I'm slightly busier trying to keep every ball in the air as we make changes to schedule, I did have time to watch movies last week and do some scrap booking. So this is actually not a valid excuse at all.
-I have net-flix now. Yes, it's a valid excuse. Maybe more than the back to school excuse. Now, I can easily indulge my love of independent, odd movies. As well as British comedies. And reruns of Punky Brewster and The Smurfs.
-I'm doing Weight Watchers. And there is meetings, and tracking, and measuring, and shopping, and walking, and reading, and, and, and... one more excuse.
-And I've been in a funk. I started this blog as a way to express and share our adoption journey, and our families life as we go through it. And lately, I've decided if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all. My momma taught me that. And I think it might apply on my blog as well. I'm trying to figure out a way to share what is going on, how I feel about it, and have it not come across as sour grapes.

I have lots to share, and am coming around to place that I think I can. And as soon as I have my computer back I'll post updated pictures of Re and Er. Lets just say that if it's possible they got even cuter. And pictures of Ce and P. They are getting cuter, but it's balanced with the fact that they live with us. Which is a whole other post. Distance does make the heart grow fonder - and how that affects us as adoptive parents who are separated from our children for so long.

There is good news. After months of saving I was able to purchase my dream camera. A Nikon D90. I'm currently giddy with joy, and already planning on what flash/lens/memory/reflectors/ etc I have to HAVE. So I will be able to easily post pictures of some of the wacky day to day stuff around here. Of course, I did spend 2 hours researching and reading up on photography technique last night. It might also be another excuse why I haven't posted lately.

That my story and I'm sticking to it.

Lord, how do I leave the judgements behind...

This quote is posted here.

"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank BOTTLED water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me DEPORTED. I needed clothes, but you needed MORE clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the BEHAVIORS that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I DESERVED."
-Richard Stearns, The Hole in Our Gospel


Okay, so I'm struggling with being content. And with leaving the judgements of others to God. Here is the struggle. I've now seen real poverty. Smelt it, felt it, and ached in the midst of it. Held the child that is too thin, saw the despair in a babies eyes, and felt the hopelessness that surrounds those who have no hope of it being different.


And I'm wishing for new couches because my hand me downs are falling apart. Then I think of how much hope you can give with $1000 of food. I'm frustrated by the dripping faucet, to remember that in Haiti clean water is a luxury for most. I wish for a fun vacation at that expensive resort, and then think about the good one person can do in Haiti in a couple weeks. I go out to eat, and feel the weight of a meal that cost as much as a week of food for an orphan.

It's hard to be content when you would really like a new couch. Or when your tired and just want to sit in a restaurant and have someone serve you a hot meal. It's hard not to spend a $1.50 on a bottle of water, when your thirsty. It's hard to live without the finer things in life, when your surrounded by it. It's hard not to compare what I have to others and not feel like it's lacking.

'IT'S not FAIR' I want to scream. It's not fair that babies die, because a Christian decides it's more important to buy a new car. It's not fair that children are slaves, because Christians think that name brand clothes that matter more than sending their own children on mission trips. It's not fair that people drink unclean water, but we have to have water that is filtered, doctored up and labeled.

And you know what is even harder - not judging others for what they have. To not think, for the cost of that trip you could have gone on a mission trip and changed a life. Or that the cost of new couch could have helped build an orphanage, and that their old one was much nicer than mine. Or wonder why a couple isn't willing to consider adoption, who can obviously afford more children and are wonderful parents.

And here's the kicker. I get feeling self-righteous. Yeah, I'm living it right. I got this Jesus thing figured out. I've chosen the right path. I've given up things of this world to make eternal difference. I'm living without the 'finer' things in life, to give orphans a home. Oh yeah- I can spin it so I'm practically a saint. And those other people, they really have it wrong.

Living in tension is a sign of maturity. I just read that truth. And cringed. Because I haven't been living in the tension. I've been wanting to have all the people who love Jesus, to love him in action the same way I do. I don't want to go without, to adopt, and have them getting new furniture, going out to eat, and living the 'nice' life. It's selfish, immature, and ugly. And I'm constantly laying it down, confessing it, and then the thought creeps in when someone brags about their new car, new furniture, new clothes, and anything else I deem judgement worthy.

So the tension is being happy for them, enjoying the blessings they are enjoying. And still being content with God's direction for my life. And knowing he doesn't desire a life of despair, because others live there. And leaving the judgement of peoples intentions and actions to him.

Because IF I'm doing all this to look good, to be a 'good' christian -well then I've missed the point too. Clashing symbols come to mind. (I Cor. 13).

Yeah....

Okay, summer is half over. One part says, "YEAH! Have a drink to celebrate. We've made it halfway and no one has been hurt and I have my sanity still"
The other part says, "What! How could it be half over. I feel like I've hardly began to spend time with my kids. We have so much left to do."
These two parts like to argue with each other.
"Don't be silly, you've had more than enough time with them. Won't it be nice to have your afternoons quiet again."
"But we were gone one week, they are gone next week. You'll be spending two weeks apart, we haven't made up for it."
"Heck, most parents only have a few hours a day with their kids. You have 12 a day, if they go to bed on time"
"But they share me, it's not the same."

Then there is the part of me saying, "Dang, laundry must reproduce itself." and "Who ate all the chips? Seriously, I just opened the bag." and "Oh my, where is the volume control. How long can I stand the noise." and "Wouldn't it be nice to go to a quiet office to work with adults" and "why is the kitchen floor sticky? Seriously, it wasn't when I left the house. Did the cleaning fairies miss the point."

We are getting a portrait of Re and Er painted. By a Haitian artist. It's part of a fundraiser for GLA. They sent 4 possible pictures to have the artist paint from. Help... How am I suppose to choose.

1. Look how cute Er is snuggled up against her big brother. Re looks handsome, and this one is really cute.

2.But then there is this one. They both are so animated. Alive. Happy.

3. But this one. It feels like Re is looking right at me, and I can see his heart. Er, on the other hand looks like she has a limp noodle for a right hand.

4.And this one is just freakin sweet. They are truly beautiful children.

So which one would you choose? Am I being too picky about it. I mean, it's only a painting we plan on keeping forever. A piece of their birth country.

Here is the picture we are having painted on C and P. I love this photo, it was taken on our beach vacation during Spring Break. They actually look like they like each other. And us, the parents. I have it in my bedroom, and so I'm reminded of how precious they really are. Because some days it's easy to forget that in the loads of laundry, breaking up fights, and trying to get them to put their shoes away.

So help a poor gal out. Which one is the one to have made into a painting? Which one goes best with C and P's picture? Does it really matter?

An adventure at the Embassy

Okay, so I'm in a better place than the last post. Thank God!
So I wanted to share about our appointment at the embassy. Let's just say it was a God thing.
We found out the week before we were suppose to leave that the embassy didn't have a file on us. It seems that the Yakima office didn't forward it to them. So began a series of calls to USCIS - also known as phone tree hell and "let me transfer you to the next level of customer service". It's goes something like this...
USCIS - blah, blah, blah, can I have your service number.
Me - I don't have a service number. It's for a I-600A.
USCIS- Have you submitted an application?
Me - Yes
USCIS -Do you have an approval or denial?
Me - It's been approved.
USCIS - Can I get the service number?
Me - Ummm....there isn't one of the approval letter
USCIS - Ma'am I can't help you without a service number. Let me transfer you to the next level of customer service.
Me - oh, oka....hold music
USCIS - blah, blah, blah ... can I have your service number
Me - AAAGGGHHHHH


We were able to put in a expedited service request. R had to call back and check on the progress. He went through 30 minutes of phone tree, being passed on, being told to go to an office that doesn't see appointments, he finally had a officer who seemed to be able to answer the questions. He was at work, and had to help customers as he held for someone who knew what we were talking about. In the middle of their conservation, he had a customer walk up and need to be helped. He told her to hang on a minute, and she told him he could call back when he wasn't busy. My dear, sweet, unassuming husband told her she could just wait for him to be done, he wasn't going through that again. I was so proud.

They wired our file on Thursday. As in the Thursday before we were to leave. And we had no way of knowing if it was received. On Monday, we received an appointment - so our file had made it. After all the time on the phone with USCIS - that was a God thing.

Once there, we all pile in the car to go to the embassy. R and I, the other couple who were filing, their darling little girl, and Eric. Eric is the social worker, who would be helping us with the process. On the way there we found out he had done this once before. Therefore making him an expert in Haiti. We get there, and go through security. Where they speak Creole and French. And some English. There seemed to be a problem, but we had no idea what. The security officer kept trying to call the lady who our appointment was with, and hanging up before it could have rang more than twice. The only evidence we had we should be there was a copy of an email with our appointments on it. Pretty soon, we figure it out. As they are sending us through without Eric.
Eric didn't have id. Pretty important to those security people at the embassy.
So it was the 5 of us. They pointed us in the right direction, and we knew we were to wait by window 28.
We went through security again. They called the lady again. They waited exactly 2 seconds before slamming the phone down and pointing us down the hall.
The hall opened into a large room. The was a wall of windows, and the rest was seating. Every window had a little P.A. box. Like at the bank drive up window. It was so quiet. We figured out why. They call your name through the little P.A. box into a room with 100+ people. We were told to sit as close to window 28 - so we would hear them call our names. Except that there was no open seats. The open seats were 4 rows away. But window 22. Not going to helpful. We found a place to stand, for about 10 seconds. Because that is how long it too the security guard to direct us sit in those seats 4 rows of chairs away from our window.
Every time we'd hear something come from that window- it sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher, trying to disguise her voice, speaking in French. So one of us would jump up to check if they were calling us. And every eye in the room would follow us.
We had a little backpack of treats and toys for the little girl with us. There were lots of children waiting with parents there. And there was no toys, no books, no treats, no nothing for them to do. They just sat there. No playing, no talking, no whining, just sitting. And their mama's weren't to pleased that we kept pulling out things to keep our little one entertained.
Every time someone would get called up to the window, and a chair opened up - everyone moved. There seemed to be a line they all knew to follow. Except us, we couldn't figure who moved when to where so we stayed put. So they looked at us funny every time they moved, and we stayed.
The fifth time we got up to check, the security guard began to wonder about us. She came over and asked in french something. We handed her our email. And she left with it. And we looked at each other with a slight panic. She took the only evidence that we should be there. She came back with it, and told us to wait. So we waited, and waited. We ate starburst and shared them with some of the kids setting near us. We had stopped getting up every time.
The call came out of the P.A. and sounded like french spoken through a wet towel, and everyone in the room turned and looked at us. The security guard scurried over, and waved to us that it was our turn. She kept saying, "Adoption". I guess it was obvious who they wanted.
We gathered our stuff up, and went to the window. They took our paperwork, and told us to wait. So we did for another 45 minutes. Eric showed up. He told us he didn't bring his ID to work, because he didn't know he'd need it. They called us back up, and we signed some papers, verified information, and were told to wait to be sworn in and sign the I-600. So we waited again. And finally they called us to the beloved window 28. And the guy, in all seriousness, says "Hey, I think I've seen you before." Oh, you mean the five times I came to your window thinking you were calling us. No, not me. Must have been the other white people that are here, oh - I guess that is us.
So we took an oath. To treat Re and Er as our own biological children. By then the room had cleared out. It felt a little anti-climatic. We couldn't take pictures. We didn't have proof other than a letter with an appointment for the birth parent interview. But it was done. Despite all the road blocks that popped up. Go God!!
The last funny thing about the embassy visit - about noon they turned on a soap opera. In English. I think they might have done it for our benefit. No wonder Haitians think all American's are filthy rich and give money away. The do on Days of our Lives.

Missing them...

Okay, so I've kept my stiff upper lip. I've said all the right things, to myself and those who ask. I sometimes even convince myself. But gosh, darn it - I miss my kids. Actually it's more like, **mn it - I want my kids.
Just keeping it real, folks. It's hard. Harder than I thought it would be. As if one can imagine this, without the experience. If one could, one would NOT do it. Seriously - you wouldn't subject yourself to it.

I think I wrote at one point about the waiting. If I knew how-I'd provide a link. But I don't, so you can just go back to last fall. Anyways I related it to clothing. Something about every month being another layer. A little more uncomfortable every month.

Yeah, well - it's starting to feel like a freakin down snowsuit that is a size too small. Like we came back and it was waiting for us to return. And now we can't figure out how to go back to a few layers. The first couple weeks, it wasn't too bad. But I swear this week, someone zipped it up- in the back. And then sucked the air out of it. Like those stupid space saving bags.

Maybe it was going on vacation without them. Maybe it was all the time spent telling about the trip and showing off pictures to family and friends. Maybe it was just too much time on my hands to think about it. Maybe I've just allowed myself the space and freedom to go to that place of how I really feel about it in the bad moments. I don't know really, and maybe it doesn't matter. But I miss them. I want them here. I want to be a mom to them, and not it a long distance kinda way. Yeah, long distance parenting works about as well as a long distance relationship - it sucks!

Anyways, on a funny note. We were at R's grandma's house. She gets those Claire Wright catalogs. The kind they only send out to the over 55 age. And you won't believe what they sell in them. Seriously. Sex aids. Sex toys. Lube. Male enhancement products. Full pictures and everything. Next to the upside down tomato pots, the microwave bacon cooker, and moo-moo's. I was so unprepared, and when my sister in law showed me - well, it was a much needed laugh.

Another random thought - because I am just that random lately. There is a great country song. The main line is "God is great, Beer is good, and People are crazy". I'm thinking putting it up in my kitchen. Is that too redneck? If it was wine is good- is that classier? Maybe I shouldn't make any major decisions right now. Like what to attach permanently to walls. I seem to be a little on the irrational side right now.

More trip details...

Okay, so we've recovered. We're finally processing food correctly. We're sleeping again. We're following traffic laws again. We've processed. Here is what we know for sure after our trip.
-We miss our kids. A LOT. Every day. Every hour. Sometimes it's enough to make a deep breath painful. Sometimes it's just lingering in the background of everyday life. But it's always there. It's different now - our arms know how their bodies feel. And now they ache for them. Our ears know their voices, and long to hear them call for us. Our hearts are committed to parenting them, but they aren't here. Our souls are committed to love them, but from afar for now.
-We felt alive in Haiti. In a completely different way then we ever have before. We really don't know what that means. A part of me says to pack up and move our bums to Haiti to live. To have our family together. To serve God in a place that so glaringly needs Jesus's hands and feet to be present. To hold babies, to teach preschools, to love on those Jesus loves. And yet, there is no calling for us to do that now.
-We see America, it's excess, it's wealth and prosperity differently. There was a moment in the Miami airport. We had went to a buffet restaurant for dinner. I ordered a fish dinner. They gave me 10 pieces of fish. I couldn't finish it and wasn't going to take it on the plane for 6 hours. So I went to throw it away, and I looked in the garbage can. And there was enough food for a family for a week in that one can alone. And I paused and was repulsed. I was holding a plate of food, and it was going to be wasted. Two hours earlier I had been in a place of true poverty. The differences were startling. I can't help but judge myself harshly - I over consume, I over indulge, I think I'm entitled. But I'm not.
-It's hard to come to terms with the unfairness of it. I know I don't deserve to have more than the Haitian mother who gives her child up. But I have so much more. It's not fair that we have money for vacations, fancy homes, new cars, dinners out, etc. I know we all say we work hard and 'earn' it. And while it's unAmerican to say it -I didn't earn this lifestyle I'm blessed with. The people of Haiti didn't do anything to 'earn' a life of poverty and I think they must work hard just to survive. Harder than I do for sure. It's kinda like survivor's guilt. Why them and not me.
-We have a lot of people who prayed us through our trip, through our adoption, and over us. It is an amazing experience to be the center of such energy.
-No matter what people say about racial relations in the good ol' USA, it's discerning to the only one of your color in a room. Regardless of how you feel about race, when you are the only one who is different, you know it and so does everyone else in the room. I think we are more accepting and less likely to make unfair judgements based on some one's color. However, it's still noticed. By both sides. It was a good experience to be on the other side of that coin. It humbled me and gave me a much needed perspective.
-We can't go by ourselves next time. We need another person, to carry bags, hold kids, help with whatever that needs done. It was crazy with just us, carry on's and the Haitian airport.

A friend just called and is stopping by. LOVE IT! Nothing better than a friend dropping by.

Report on trip to Haiti -Part 1

Okay, there is no possible way to put our trip into one post. Well, I could but it would be way to long to expect anyone to read.

So here is short summaries of highlights and I'll write more in depth later.

Right before going to the Toddler House to meet the kids for the first time. Feeling excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and unbelievably united. Something about the trip gave us this feeling of being us against the rest of the world. I like that somehow I managed to angle the camera to hide the bags under my eyes. Holding Er for the first time. The book is one I sent with pictures of us. I was pointing to me in the book, saying Mama and pointing to myself. And I think she was thinking I had lost a part of my mind. Her hair is so sweetly done, and she smelled like Johnson's baby lotion.

R and Re. My two boys. Re just had to check out everything in my purse. Item by item. He wanted to know how it all worked, and settled on the MP3 player as the item of choice.

We were able to file our paperwork. It was a little crazy, as our social worker that was to help us, left his ID and couldn't come in with us. That is a post all by itself. Lets just say we were entertaining.

We ate the most delicious mango I've ever tasted. It was actually one of the most amazing things I've ever ate. Perfectly sweet. Melt in your mouth. Rich and light at the same time. Oh my, I'd live there just for the mango. Then I had to go eat banana's to offset the mango. Even the banana's are better there.

There are no traffic laws. No speed limits. And no road maintenance crew. And surprisingly not many accidents. I was born to drive there.

I have such appreciation for the sacrifices the staff makes to live and work in Haiti. They don't have to, I'm sure they are not fairly compensated in earthly terms. I asked what they missed the most and they answered freedom. How do you thank someone for giving up their freedom? They are amazing people, and I don't know how to bring 'freedom' in my suitcase.

The storms made R very happy. Thunder. Lightening. Rain. Downpour. And it was right over our heads. No one was too concerned. Unlike here, the week before. They cancelled school activities for a storm that had nothing on this one. I think we are overreative as Americans.

Being white doesn't make you stand out in Haiti. Trying to be on time, speaking english, and having frizzed out hair makes you stand out. As well as having a blank look on your face as people continue to speak french to you. And note to self, speaking louder and slowly does not induce comprehension.

I need help with Er hair. Serious help. HELP.....or she is going to wear a head scarf all the time.

Okay, that is what is hanging out in my brain today. I'll update more as I have time, and tell you all the interesting details. Again, we were entertaining.

May Update and a meltdown

We received our May update yesterday. Let me say that I've been a bit over emotional. As excited as I am to go to Haiti, I keep coming back to the thought that I will have to walk away from my children. I will have to leave them. I'm not abandoning them, but what must it feel like to them?
Here is their side of the story (in my mind). I lose my mother, my brother goes to the hospital to die, and my father takes me to a strange building with strange people and leaves me there. I see my Papa once in awhile, but he never takes me home. I miss him and my sibling terribly, and I want to go home with them. The grownup's here keep telling me I have a new family. They live far away, and they even sent pictures. I also got sandals, and they are really neat. They are coming to see me. I'm really excited to be with them. I can't wait to be a family again.

So when we leave in two weeks, and they stay. What will their hearts feel? Loved because we visited, or will they feel abandoned again. We'll they wonder if we are just coming to visit like their Papa? Will they wonder if we didn't love them and decided not to take them? Will they trust that we won't leave again, the next time we go? That is my fear. That their souls will be forever scarred by our leaving them. The way their hearts are forever changed by their birth mothers death, and their Papa's surrendering them.

Saturday I went hiking. Spent some time alone with God. Cried, really cried, ugly tears. I turned to a now familiar passage in Isaiah 43:1-4.

But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers; they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you."

Here is what I heard...

Anita, this is God, your loving father. I created you to do this. When you are on the plane, and the anxiety hits, I will be with you. When you are overwhelmed in the airport, I will be there. When you have to leave your children, and grief overwhelms you - you will not be swept away. When the pain of saying good-bye burns deeply- you and your children's hearts will be protected from damage. Your children and you, are precious to me, honored by me, and I love you. I will be there, every step, every deep breath, every moment of joy, and tear of sorrow. You can do this, and I'm not asking more of you than I know you are capable of.

I have had an amazing peace about the trip since then. I am still so sad I have to leave them, and I imagine a meltdown will happen at some point on the way home. But we will all come out of it okay.

When got our update. It's a video. It's beautiful. A very loving volunteer put it together, and there is a short video at the end of Re and Er said goodbye.

We are going to Haiti

GOOD NEWS ... we are leaving June 15th to visit Re an Er and do paperwork in Haiti. While we won't be bringing them home this trip, we are overjoyed to visit.
I have lots of thoughts on it, and am still processing them. I'll spill them at some point, I'm sure. In the meanwhile, here is what is also going on.
-C returned from Outdoor school. P and her took a whole 10 minutes together to have a fight. Then they were grounded for the day. Then they both went into meltdown. Oh, and I was on the phone with a nice lady from the bank. The bank we are asking for a loan from. A loan to adopt. I think she wonders if that is a good idea.
-It's sunny today and should be during this three day weekend. That I foolishly grounded my kids for. What was I thinking?? I should have sent them out to pull weeds instead.
-Russ and I had a great 'marriage retreat' last weekend. We have homework to do. TNT- Two Nice Things (with no expectations ) and another 'talking' assignment. I've done one nice thing-took him a coffee to work, and plan on giving a foot massage tonight. I'm not sure what R has done. Unless he considers telling me he is naked under this clothes is suppose to count. Which it doesn't - because of the 'no expectations' clause to the assignment.

I swear I'll write more about the upcoming trip. What we can expect, what we will do while we are there, and why the trip is worth it.

Exciting News!!

Last Week we recieved news that our file has been approved by IBESR. That is Haiti's 'social services' department. We were overjoyed, and to honest, very surprised. We hadn't even considered it a possibility to have it exit IBESR before the summer. It's all about low expectations. So we are onto Parquet. While the orpahange said it could take 2-9 months, we're planning on the 9 months. And praying to be shocked one day to get an email before next Feb that it's moved on.

The other exciting news...I woke up with a burr in my bonnet to get somethings done around the house I've been neglecting. Like cleaning the fridge. And shredding the piles of papers I've got hanging around. And cleaning the fridge, because it's now beyond gross. I'm a little scared of what I might find.

I also am going to be making some calls today that will help me to set my summer schedule. I've been really feeling God asking me to stop being in a one-sided relationship with him. All take, no give. All about what I care about, only a little of what he cares about. Time spent when it's time for 'church'. Church being a social event. So many thoughts on this I don't even know how to articulate.
But I know he wants me to care about what he cares about. The sick, the poor, the needy, and be prepared to get messy about it. Not just write a check. Not just pray about it. Not just think about it. So I'm going to be making calls to see how where I can be used. And I truly believe I will spend more time with God there, than I have anywhere else.
I also feel drawn to schedule time with God. Not just 15 minutes of 'bible study' and not making sure we make all the church events. But a day with him. Walking with him, talking, reading, just being with him. The relationship (besides God) that is most important to me is R. And I schedule time for us to be alone. To talk, to walk, to just be in each other presence without distraction. And it has occurred to me that this is a very necessary thing to do with my relationship God. It feels funny to 'pencil' God into the calendar. Okay, I'll write it in pen. He's God, he's always with me, and yet I find that if I don't actually create a space in the calendar it's too easy to have the days fly by and feel like I haven't had time to really connect with him.
It has come down to a point where if it can't be bigger than just doing the church, bible study, and giving thing, then I can't do it anymore. Because I know he wants more than that. He wants us to LOVE being with him, and just him. He wants us to LOVE him enough to meet those who he loves even if they aren't who we love. And I deeply desire more than that. One a soul level, that desires nothing more than to be the beautiful woman God created.

So exciting things are happening around here. God is really challenging me, really asking me to walk away from my comfort zone- and not look back. And it's the most exciting place to be. On a soul level, to know you are working to be the person you are created to be. Knowing you are are going to meet your Creator in a whole new way, and get to know him in a completely different way than ever before.

Motherhood

Ten things I just love about being a Mom...
1. Holding my kids, smelling their hair, and snuggling
2. Hearing about their world, through their own unique perception
3. Watching them discover how to be kind, loving, and compassionate and how good it can feel
4. Seeing my husband as a father through their eyes
5. The lessons in grace, forgiveness, and love that come as I try to figure out this parenting gig
6. The sound of them coming through the door after school
7. Hearing them laugh, giggle, snort and come unglued by something funny
8. Learning to play and have fun all over again
9. Watching them discover God, how much he loves them, how much he adores them, and how to love him back
10. The unconditional love they have for me, and our family

Ten things I just looove (insert sarcasm) about Motherhood
1. Skid marked underwear in the laundry
2. Homework woes - Sunday night bedtime declarations of homework yet undone
3. Pee on the bathroom floor
4. Meltdowns over small details
5. Moping because they didn't get what they think they 'neeeeed'
6. The judgement we as mothers are so quick to dish out to each other
7. Endless laundry
8. The arguments from disagreements over parenting differences
9. Endless laundry (I really loooove doing laundry)
10. The truth that it will end someday, and while I'll always be a mom -they won't always need me.

Happy Birthday P!!

Oh my, she's eight. How did that happen? It was just last week I was bringing her into this world. All natural because she just couldn't wait for an epidural. I should have known then what was coming.

A child who was born with her own agenda, not to be deterred, wild eyed, ever busy, perpetual motion child.

A child who has to have underwear that is really tight, and wears a size 4t Hanes no tags underwear ONLY.

A child who stands and stares at me until I wake up, only to ask if she can have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Which she has had for the last 5 years every Saturday am. So I can sleep in.

A child who runs with wild abandon, to hug/tackle you.

A child who absorbs science books, and wants a lizard party.

A child who would rock our world, make us question everything we know about parenting.

A child who would cause us to stop and notice how a caterpillar moves.

A child who would climb the tree in the front year at 2 simply to see if she could.

A child who loves with every ounce of her being, and who also fights with every ounce of her being.

A child we couldn't love more.

Happy Birthday, my little whirlwind.

Today's Adventures....

1. Wasp in the house. Guess what? Raid Ant and Roach Killer does NOT work on wasp, however does adhere to flooring swimmingly.
2. Daycare kido colored on bed with Duramax marker during nap time. Murphy's Oil Soap does take it off. But it takes a long time for a 5 year old to do it.
3. Only 5 days until the girls church production and P's birthday party. My bro and sil are coming to stay. Spare bedroom is a wreck. Takes a 30ish year old woman days to get in order. Hopefully less than 5 days.
4. Today is the last free evening to finish up shopping for said party, and for R to take P out for dinner. It's her birthday dinner, and we don't any day closer to her actual birthday, which is Friday. You should see my outlook calender - it looks like a box of crayon's threw up on it.
5. I have a gazillion things to do - and I'm blogging instead. That ought to help. And I have a play date planned for every morning this week. When do I become popular?
6. P is screaming at a daycare kido to stay out of the grass. It's a miracle of God that she has lived to almost 8 - but it might be up for grabs if she makes it till Friday at this rate. When I asked her to stop yelling and come in and practice her music -she yelled at me and proceed to kick her flip-flops across the kitchen. It's up for grabs if she makes it till Friday folks.
7. I am determined to walk today. It's beautiful, my legs are aching for a workout, and my stress level is so high I'd like to take the bottle of wine with me to drink as I walk. Some days I miss my old job, with adults who don't color on your furniture, yell at you and kick shoes around, and a paycheck that included retirement and a Christmas fund.
8. I think the wasp is finally dead. Ant killer does works it just takes 23 minutes. And shaking the jar hard. Hard to know which really did the job.
9. Laundry - I think I forgot to switch the laundry today. Clean underwear are overrated anyways.
10. Only 80 minutes till I can blow this joint, with wine bottle in hand, MP3 player on and pure blessed solitude for 45 minutes.

Birthday wishes...

My birthday was yesterday. And my family and friends made me feel very special and loved. My dear R, gave me a card and cake. Despite us being in the middle of a heated debate*. My BF stopped over and dropped off a beautiful potted flower, a card, a COKE (a real one, forget the diet) and a warm delights. I've never tried the Warm Delights, and it might have been better if it had stayed that way. My dear MIL called and wished me a Happy Birthday, which is also a first. My sil, my sis, my dad all sent me well wishes. My small group at church actually sang to me. Next year, I'm asking them to refrain as my gift.

Anyways, the best part was this. C and I went to Bare Minerals, and had makeovers. I hear it's the best. And she was so cute getting her make up done. We then went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner, and it was so fun. And while we were getting our makeup done, the 'artist' gave her this large crystal. It was was a sweet gesture and C seemed to really enjoy it. On my birthday, she gave me a little gift bag, with the crystal in it. It had attached a long string, and she explained it was for the new van. Ahhhh....how sweet. So despite the fact that she can make me want to pull every last hair out of my head (and I have ALOT of hair) she does still have that sweet, giving, and loving spirit. And the hope of that is by far the best birthday gift I could have received.

*really means- arguing, rolling eyes, and going to bed angry. We have a marriage retreat coming up to work on communication skills. A much needed opportunity.

March Update

So I'm a little late. I realized I'd better get March pictures of Re and Er posted, before April's are here.

This update was tough for us. We were expecting it the week before we left for our vacation. And it didn't come. So we packed our computer, who wasn't drawing power from it's cord. We managed to get it fully charged, but would only have battery to run off of. Every day we hopped on, checked email, and got right off. Well, after we posted on facebook. And no update. Every day it was disappointing. I don't think we realize how much we hold our breath waiting to hear about them, until we can exhale as we read that they are doing okay. On friday, in the hotel lobby we had an update. And it was late for good reason. And the orphanage has changed the week we are recieving our updates. It will now be the last week of the month. I think it might have changed for March, and we just didn't get the memo.

They are soo stinkin cute. The brown eyes, the fuzzy hair, the chocolate skin, and not to mention the dimples. Oh, the dimples.





I dreamed the other night of meeting them the first time. Of holding Er, or squeezing her and hearing her laugh. Of picking up Re and him being almost too big to get off the ground. Of his hand in mine as we walked. I woke in a state of pure joy, followed by a sense of grief that was overwhelming for a moment. One of those moments when you wonder if you will drown in the pain of it. And then I got up and took a shower, brushed my teeth and anchored my feet deep in God's promises. The waves assaulted all day, but I am grounded in truth. Because when grief comes a callin, you learn to just stand in the waves and the tide eventually goes back out. And it did. And at times it feels like grief as we wait. I've been through grief, and it's very similar.





You grief the moments of childhood you are missing. You grieve tucking them in at night. You grieve the days you miss. The day they write their name the first time. The everyday moments that you are apart. And you grieve for them. Knowing that to be together, they loose everything they know. And you grieve that it can't be different. And you grieve your loss of power to do anything about it. It's a very humbling journey to walk. Not for the weak of spirit.





On a side note - my birthday is tomorrow. I'm trying to find some excitement for it. I'll let you if some turns up.

I will say this... I can't look at this picture and not smile. A huge smile. The flip-flops on the hands, the little girls grip on the one in front of her, and Re's smile. And the little boy in the background, looking like he's warning them. Because a crash does look immenient. But that is what the 'hand guards' must be for.