2010

What a year the last year has been. Last year at this time I could not have imagined what the following 30 days would bring.
To be honest, since my mom died in January eight year ago, I've always spent the last week in December bracing myself for the month to come. It's got a history in our family. And generally it's not a time period I look forward to. People die in January in my family. Last year, we were just praying for no bad news in January. We had no idea that just around the corner was a life defining moment, unlike any we could have imagined.
In retrospect, what have I learned from the last 12 months. A lot, and very little. The more I learn of God, the more I realize I know soo little. But in an attempt to not lose the lessons, I'm going to try to summarize them. Which probably won't work. I can get a little long winded.
-God is a God of COMPLETION. What he begins, he finishes. It may be in a different time frame than we wish or not the outcome we had hoped for, but he does complete the work. His desire is that we surrender to his completed plan, not our own.
-God will provide. Ok, we knew that. What we didn't really understand is that the means he has to provide is through each other. He doesn't drop balloons of money out of the sky, although he could. He ask that those who love him, to show up with food, clothes, money, or just a hug. And when they do, he is present in all those encounters. In the moments when we hear his Holy Spirit say, "Give to them, Give here, Hug them, Bring them dinner, Buy them groceries, Give them the kids coats." That is God providing for those who love him, by those who love him.
-God is the Healer. We are not. He will restore our children's trust. He will heal the wounds of abandonment. He will build the strands of attachment. We need to show up and do the work, be obedient to him, and love the kids with all our might. But he is the healer. He heals through every hug, every cuddle, every time out, every time we stay present in the grief and allow them the safe place to let it out. He deserves all the GLORY in the progress our kids have made.
-Marriage is not easy when your both at a level 7 stress all the time. It changes the dynamics between you, and you will need a whole new level of understanding and grace to get through it.
-God's word is the main source of spiritual nourishment. That when you live in a level 7 stress level, you better be eating well. I've also learned that God's word in not meant to be taken in antidote moments, one verse here, one verse there. It's a story to be understood in it's entirety. It's God revealing himself, in each encounter with us, and each encounter teaches us something. However, if you really want to see a complete picture of God, you have to see all of it. This has been an important spiritual foundation that I'd been missing.
-Church, especially the American church, is quite honestly disillusioned. It isn't biblical, and quite happy to stay that way. It has chosen what of the bible to teach, to apply to itself, and is largely just a reflection of the American culture, and not a reflection of Jesus. I don't mean to offend, but we can't ignore how Jesus called us to live, and how the church calls us to live, and the huge gap between them. This is really another post, in and of itself. So I'll leave it there.
-Peoples true characters come through in crisis. We learned this year, who was willing to show up and be present, when it was ugly around here. We learned who just wanted some of the attention. We learned to let go of the relationships that were unhealthy, as we came to a point where there was no more energy to give them. We learned that when we release those relationships, it frees up space to allow other relationships to grow.
-People will make assumptions about you, based on a small amount of information. Don't take it personal. Those assumptions may be positive or negative. Don't take either too seriously. Their opinion isn't the one that matters.
-Love doesn't require the other person to love you first. Real LOVE doesn't. Christ like love, loves when it's not returns. Christ like love, loves when there is anger and frustration. Christ like love, forgives without being asked. Christ like love, says I love you, knowing there is no I love you in return. That the real test of love, is loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving in the pain. Loving in the anger. Loving in the impossible.

That sums it up. It's been a big year for our family. I'm attempted to pray for a quiet year in 2011. But I'm afraid that God might just give it to us. And as nice as it sounds, I don't want to waste a year in complacency. I want God to move mountains in 2011. I want to be part of miracles. I want to be part of where God is working. However, it's not about what I want. So instead we surrender to his completed plan, whatever that may be.

Christmas

I don't know if I have the language to describe the last 3 days. It was all I hoped it would be, and more. There were moments that were perfection. Moments of holiness. Moments of understanding and comprehension. Moments that brought me to tears, and more than a few that brought my soul to it's knees.

God is a God of completion and perfection. It's hard to see and comprehend that in our broken, ugly world. Christmas time reminds me gently and softly that he came to save us from this ugly, mean world. And he came in humbleness. He came like no man would have come. Like only God would. Completely humble and perfect in it's plan. And that he came knowing that most would not respond. And yet, for those who would, he came. And stayed. In the mundane, everyday, messy moments of our lives. And then that he'd use me to reveal himself into this world- that brings my soul to it's knees in humble understanding.

And that he is coming. That we are not meant for this world for long. That Christmas is also the anticipation of his return, and the return of all things to how he designed it. Without the ugly, without the broken, without the pain. Christmas time with family and friends, with gifts being shared, food being enjoyed together, past hurts and current pains being put aside for a day, reminds me of what is to come, not for a holiday season, but forever. The feast to come is reflected in the softness of the warm yeast rolls, the savory elk steak, the favorite glass of wine, and the perfectly made fudge. The Christmas Eve service, with corporate worship that filled my spirit with longing to see my Jesus, is a small sampling of what is to come as the saints march into the New Jerusalem. That the hugs and sweet conversations with family and friends, will be but a shadow of the perfect and complete relationships we will share for eternity. Christmas makes me remember and long for what is to come.

Now, what most of you really want to know about - the kids. Christmas was exciting, and I believe it rose above all their expectations. They were thrilled with opening presents and all the attention. We enjoyed watching them in their excitement. We enjoyed the sweetness of their mere presence this year. We saw God's provision and grace poured out on them and us. They soaked it all in, and my prayer is that the last three days solidifies even more how loved, desired, and anticipated they were. Re especially has wanted to know what we did for Christmas when he wasn't here. Knowing we had his stocking from 2 years ago, and his ornaments from the last 2 years, helped him to understand how much they were ours before they came home. And how deeply entrenched they are into our family. Er was just content knowing those presents under the tree were for her. Ce and P were thankful that while some things were different this year, many things were the same. And that the things that were different, were better. They reaped the benefit of parents who were able to be wholly present in their Christmas this year.

As for R and I, well...this year has been anticipated for many years. Four to be exact. For four years we had children that weren't home for Christmas. That weren't home to pick out the tree, decorate it, put presents under, bring home the nativity coloring sheet from church, wake you up Christmas morn, or snuggle in your lap in new pj's. Every part of Christmas was mixed in sadness, for what was missing. The sweetest of this year, was the fulfillment of God's promise to us. God's promise four years ago when we began this crazy process to have more children. God's promise when I left them in Haiti. God's promise in January, when all hope seemed lost. God's promise in the moments when it was too hard, when grief was all we saw, and God's healing touch was the only solution. He has shown up. In mighty and grand ways. And we aren't deserving. Trust me, we aren't. We aren't deserving of any of it. It is by Jesus humbleness and grace, his willingness to come down and be our Savior, that our cries are heard. It is his humble, gentle presence in our individual hearts and our family, that healing is happening. It is HIM who moved mountains. It is HIM who is healing. It is HIM who has blessed us. We are humbled. Daily. Christmas just bring the focus back to HIM. In remembrance and anticipation.

Christmas is in the air...

And this year it's all sweet. The last two Christmas's have been bittersweet. The first one after our referral was a little bittersweet, but we didn't have a real attachment yet. It was sad that Re and Er weren't here, but we were hopeful they'd be home by the next Christmas. Optimistic, but naive.
Last year, was full of bittersweet moments. We know by October, that it wasn't going to be that they'd be home. But we had held them in July. We knew the sound of their voices. We knew how they felt in our arms. We could imagine their excitement and expressions of being overwhelmed. We knew just what we wanted to get them for Christmas. So every tradition had an edge of longing to it. Getting the tree, we wished they were there. As we got our the ornaments we had bought for them the year before, we ached to have them put them on the tree. As we opened gifts, I thought of them opening gifts without a Mom and Dad to ooohhh and ahhhh. I thought of them going to bed on Christmas Eve, wondering if someone had to tuck them in over and over again, as they tried to stay awake to catch a peek at Santa. I prayed someone reminded them that it all was really about the gift of GRACE that Jesus was.
This year - it's all sweet. Getting to enjoy them as they ran around the tree lot, hiding amongst the trees and drinking hot chocolate. The JOY that cascaded down my soul as they pulled out the ornaments I've lovingly chosen just for them the last two years, and carefully hung on the tree. The sense of anticipation that Re exudes everyday as he counts down the days. The way Er says "It's Christmas, Jesus Birthday. We have party in the park with party hats." Hearing Jingle Bells 22 times an hour. Listening to them remember what Christmas was like in Haiti at GLA. Answering questions daily about what we do on Christmas. Explaining again that yes we will make Christmas cookies.
And as I personally meditate on what the gift of Christ coming to earth mean to me, I'm again amazed at how adoption is a perfect picture of God's redemption of me. That Christ was my dossier. He was the adoption cost, the approval, the authorization that I needed to be an daughter of God. That just as I stood before authority and vowed to provide for the needs of my children, and give them the same rights and privilege as biological children, Jesus stood before the authority of God and vowed to provide what I needed, that I'd have the privilege of being in his family.
And the amazing thing is this, he doesn't demand that I love him, despite all he did. And as a parent, there are days it's tempting to demand it. To guilt, to manipulate, to try and force it. And yet, he could and he doesn't. He wants so much more than that. He wants us to choose to love him.
That he came as a humble human being. He took on the body of a mortal. That the infinite God, become burdened by humanness. So I could relate to him. So I'd know he'd been where I'd been. So I could relate to him. It makes no sense. That he created prophesy, and fulfilled them all, so I'd have a reason to believe. So mankind would see his faithfulness. His perfect faithfulness. So he would be known to me. I just can't get my mind around it.
However, I do know this. He is a God of Redemption. Through the birth of Christ. Through the fulfillment of prophesy. Through the deliverance of me from my sin. Through the healing of grief. The very fact that my children are here.

Thankful for...

R- his willingness to stick around through anything. For putting up with my mood swings, craziness, and somehow loving me through it all.

Ce-her tender and kind heart. Her willingness to be an extra pair of hands and eyes.

P-her sweet and loving spirit. For her quiet and loving affection. For being willing to take on being a big sister with a loving heart.

R-his energy and openness to having a new family. For his acceptance of us and openness to being loved.

Er-her ability to keep us on our toes and in lots of laughter. Her excitement and joy over the possibility of what tomorrow brings



For the love and support of our family and friends this last year. For our home, that is dry and warm. For medical care and antibiotics. For food and water. For warmth and light.



This last year has been full of lessons. We couldn't have imagined this time last year, what the next 12 months would hold. Or the lessons to be had.



If there is one lesson we are most grateful for it is this...

God is who God is, regardless of our situation. He is a God of redemption and restoration. That fact is not dependent on how I feel in the moment, or what the situation looks to be. He has restored and redeemed. He is restoring and redeeming. Right now. In the moments when the grace is evident. And even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it's ever going to be okay. Especially in those moments. We are grateful for all those moments.



We came close to losing our two children in January. No matter how others viewed our relationship with them, they were our children, as much a part of us as our biological children. The fact that they lived in another country didn't change that. There were moments of sheer terror that they'd never live in our family. That an earthquake was going to somehow disrupt God's plan. But God is who God is...regardless of the facts in the moment. And he redeemed the situation. In the moments we thought there was no hope, he was already working out the details. His ability to move mountains wasn't based on our faith. He is who He is.

And in the moments of incomparable grief, when healing seemed to be an impossibility - God was binding together their broken hearts. When we wondered if we'd ever start to feel like a family, he was creating bonds between us. When we looked at the checkbook, and it felt as if there wasn't enough, he was already bringing provision.

God is who He is. He is the God of redemption. Not just one time at the cross, but daily in our relationships to him and to each other. I'm grateful for so much, but if it all was gone tomorrow I'd still be grateful for a God who is.

Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.

Halloween

We trick or treated last night. For the first time. Seriously, we have NEVER really taken the kids out to the neighborhood to knock on strangers doors for free candy. All the 'right' reasons behind this decision. Blah, blah, blah...until we found ourselves without a church carnival to attend (which for the record, we could have gone back to our old church and would have been welcomed, but it would have been confusing for the kids) and a beautiful evening and kids having fun. Re exclaimed, "Mom, Life is good, let's not change anything!" Ce and P, who also had never trick or treated, were enjoying this funny American tradition for the first time also. It was really fun to do as a family. They looked out for each other, said Thank You's and we were proud that they were ours. So while, we know it wasn't probably the most Christian right thing to do, I can't help but grin when I think of our kids walking together, helping each other avoid the curbs in the dark and sharing their stash when we got home. So our first Halloween was a raging success!

Just think of Christmas a coming...

FUN Stuff

Just a few fun updates...
-We have citizenship papers for Re and Er. They are legit to be here for as long as they like. And to come back if you they don't like it and leave, and discover it wasn't so bad after all. Or if we decide to fly them out of USA boundaries, we can bring them back. Or if we move out of country, we all can come back and visit. (All of which are possible)
-After an hour and 15 minutes at the eye doctors, the conclusion was this: Three oldest children all really want glasses. All three oldest children have perfect, or better than perfect sight. All three children are disappointed by this SAD news. Mom is standing back, shaking her head, remembering the trauma of ugly 80's glasses at age 9. Youngest child, clueless about glasses, will be receiving a pair of bright pink/orange pair in a week. Other children insanely jealous. Mom does not remember her siblings being jealous about her great rose colored glasses she received as her first pair. Mom thrilled to hear she is a candidate for Lasik -even though she now has very cute green pair of glasses. A morning of irony.
-Er is feeding the dog, three days worth at a time. Which explains why the dog food bill has increased three fold. And why the dog is having a harder time jumping up on the bed.
-School is going well. Homework is being done with minimal complaint. So far no late turn-ins. It is October, so I don't expect this to last.
-We have made an exciting decision for our family. Out of conviction, and a desire to be more of the people and family God desires for us; we are now attending Solid Rock, A Jesus Church. While we are missing our Dayspring family, it is with their blessing we have moved on. We are excited about what God is doing at Solid Rock, and feel blessed to be a small part of it. We are taking the next 9 months to just grow. To be prepared to serve. This is the first time in 10+ years we haven't actively been involved in ministry. But God has been clear - this year is a year of preparation. We are excited to see what God is preparing for us. We have no idea, but our prayer is that he'd be preparing the work of our hands, as he prepares our hearts.
-The cool thing about going to church in Portland, we are already in Portland once a week. So we might as well take advantage of it, and do the fun stuff Portland offers. I'm always thinking, we should go do this, and then we don't because it's sooo far away, in Portland. But since we are already there, it's not so far away anymore. So if you have any ideas, of cheap or free Portland places or events, let me know.

Well, time is up. Er is helping herself to cereal. Kids will be running through the door, and I won't be able to put a whole sentence together.

Hole in our Gospel Chapter 4

Okay, I've read the entire book. But blogging it seems to be taking me much longer. But this process of putting it in, and then putting it out seems to be cementing it in. Which is exactly why I stalled in the process. This isn't easy stuff to put in and then put out, and cement in. To say this has been life changing is an understatement. Some of which we are not free to share on a public forum as of yet. So it's hard to blog honestly, while not being able to be fully honest. I either spew it all, or keep it in. Alot like vomiting. Either it stays down, or it all comes up. Yep, blogging is my brain and heart vomiting over the Internet.

So I continue on with Chapter 4 - holding back a little.
Isaiah 58 summed up...
God "I see you going through the motions and how people are impressed, and yet I'm not happy with you. I want more than your attendance at church, your tithe, your fasting. I want you to care. To care about those who are oppressed, hurt, poor, and naked. I want you to bring my kingdom to them, and when you do - I WILL SHOW UP."
The other part, the part I'd like to gloss over is quoted here by Richard. "So he suggested in this passage something that ought to stun our own beliefs about prayer-that because of their hypocrisy, He would not even listen to their prayers! We take it as foundational that God will always listen to our prayers, but this passage suggests that we should not expect God to listen to prayers offered by insincere hearts." WOW - that sends shock waves of fear and awe through my spirit. He is the GOD of the UNIVERSE - he is not obligated to listen to me whine about needing more, when I'm not doing his work. How often I've prayed and wondered if God was just saying no. Now, maybe he was saying, "I'm ignoring your religiosity, come to me when you are ready to hear me above your whining, I got work for you to do and then I'm going to blow your mind."
Richard then goes on to break down Matthew 25. So here I am feeling awfully convicted. Not because of what Richard has written, but because of what Isaiah says. And then, there is this Matthew 25. The summary...God is coming back, and all will stand before him. He will sort them out into two groups. So far so good, I'm thinking. So I'm thinking it's got to be -Those who believe in Christ, those who don't. Those who are written in the book of life, those who aren't. Those who are ashamed, those who aren't. But it's not. The two groups are these - Those who feed the hungry, cared for the poor, visited the prisoners and those who didn't. The righteous and the unrighteous. As determined by how they treated other humans, the least of these. Righteousness determined by how we LOVED those who were hurting, and in turn LOVED him. And the amazing promise to the righteous- You are blessed, you have an inheritance, and I've prepared a place for you in my kingdom. And to those who turned their back on him, as they ignored the hurting - the promise is equally powerful. 'Then they will go away to eternal punishment".
So God sees past our outer appearances, and when our hearts aren't lined up to his, he may choose to ignore our petitions. And when our hearts are lined up with his, when they are broken for what breaks his, and we do something about it, he promises to 'you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.' And when we stand before him, we will be judged our not just our church attendance, but if we did something about what breaks his heart. That is how he will know we loved him.
It's not earning our way into heaven. That is through grace alone. However, if we are in relationship with God, and our hearts are becoming like his, it will show up in our lives in the way we treat the least of these.
This is what I come away with, personally.
Anita, you say you love Jesus. And if church attendance and tithing is good indications of that - then your golden. Unfortunately, they are not. They are not bad things, and are certainly necessary. But don't be content with them alone. God is not. He asks more of you. He ask that you love him tangibly, here on earth, by caring and loving the least of these. And if you do, he has an eternal reward. If you don't, know that there will be a time of accounting. And your earthly excuses will be sooo lame in light of the throne of heaven, and the tribes of the nations. So just a little convicting. Alot convicting. And we have been praying for answers about what to do with that conviction. And some of the answers have been quite painful. Some have been surprising. Some are still unanswered. At this time, we know that we are not doing what God has commanded of his people. I know that most would consider us to be quite okay in this department, adoption and all. But I've come to realize we will not be judged against other Americans. If so, we are probably pretty safe. Nope, we will be held up to the light of the throne of God. And surrounding us will be the tribes of the world. So we may be standing next to the African widow, who regularly shared her food with the orphan. Or the Chinese man who risked his life to give a bible to his neighbor. Or the missionary in a third world country who lived with the physical restraints and discomfort that comes with that. In light of that, I hang my head in shame. Covered by the blood, but with an awareness of the patheticness (not sure if that is really a word?) of what is going to come out of my mouth when I stand before him and account for my life.
So prayer about what is next. . . wish I could share more. Wish I had more answers, but right now there is just alot of questions. But God is preparing us for something. The answers we have are challenging and are testing us for something.

I wrap up with this quote, Matthew 25 put into modern language and culture by Richard.
"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."

Busyness...

Oh how it's been busy around here: REALLY, REALLY busy...
here is the good news-
-we have an appointment for immigration in September. Once we go and present our documents, turn in the forms, get fingerprinted and write one more big check, then we should have two new American citizens amongst us!
-we are preparing for school. R has made significant progress in reading comprehension, and math this summer. P is excited to be able to see her friends daily. CN has also made progress in math this summer, and hopefully will continue the progression to grade level in the next year.
-we spent a long weekend with my family, and got to introduce R and Er to my childhood home. They swam in the same spot in the river, ate at the truckstop and got to go fishing with Grandpa.
-we enjoyed a fabulous visit with the famous Joyce and Molly- famous to those GLA families. They are two of the most beautiful woman, and their hearts for our children is unbelievable. They brought some of R and Er's belongings from Haiti, as well as coffee and ketchup. The visit seemed to be a turning point with R, and he has been more open to connection than ever before.

Six Months Ago...

We were on a plane headed to Miami. Our kids would be flying out that evening. We were tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. We were trying to figure out how one prepares, and realizing they don't. We were trying to figure out what the next 24 hours would involve. We didn't have any idea what to expect. We didn't expect this...



Er pees in the shower. Not while taking a shower. Pulls her pants down, squats over the edge and pees. Explains the smell that I haven't been able to get rid of in that bathroom.



Re just caught a spider in his bare hands. A good size one. He asked to keep it. I said no. So he smushed it on my counter. The take it outside part only came after it was dead. His explanation, "My mom didn't want it."



Re was watering the roses. Er wanted a turn. She walked right up to him. Right up the stream of water. And then got mad at him that her tank top was wet.



All four kids share a room to sleep. They sleep in different arrangements. They sleep in different spots. It's not unusual for there to be someone on our floor. Sleeping arrangements are very fluid right now.



That there would be over $5000 in just medical and dental expenses after insurance. Okay, this we should have known, but we just didn't really give it too much thought.



How exhausted this process of transition is. On them, on us. How much energy it would take to meet the basic needs on a daily basis. Forget the extras like laundry and dishes. How much it would take out of us emotionally to see our children in so much pain.



That our children would struggle with missing Haiti so much. I said I knew that. I thought I knew -- I could not have. That I'd feel so inadequate in those moments. That I'd be so helpless. That there would moments I'd doubt that this benefited them at all. Or was just really selfish on our part.



That our marriage would change. Not like when we had biological children. Not like other life changing events. But that we would both be so changed by our new life, our marriage would have to change to survive.



That these last six months would make us rethink everything we thought we knew. About parenting. About marriage. About loving God. About church. About serving him. About following him. About obedience and trust.



I've said all along that adoption is not for the faint of heart. If that is true, than parenting adopted children are for the warriors. The kind of warrior that goes to bed exhausted, wakes up exhausted, but puts on the gear to fight another day, knowing the battle at hand matters. The kind that steps up to the front lines and says, "I have won the battle, for MY God promises it to be so." and then holds a grieving child. The kind of warrior that says to her leader, " I do NOT understand, but I will GO and DO that which you ask, trusting your supreme understanding."

I'm learning how to be that warrior. I'm learning how to lay down my own desires, for the good of who I serve. I'm learning how to not only love my children, but to be the mother God desires me to be. The woman God created me to be. And it's hard work. It's draining, and some days I think I can't do another day. And then the cry of my heart is heard by the God for the universe, and I have the strength to continue on. That we are adopted by him, and not just brought into the family, but parented. Encouraged, disciplined, loved through action, and being grown.

Hole in our Gospel ... Chapter 3

Yes, I skipped blogging chapter two. It's a run-down of Richard Sterns own personal journey to CEO - how God orchastraed it. But I'll come back to it at the end of the Chapter 3 rundown.



Chapter 3 -

You lack one thing...Matthew 19:16 -the story of the rich young man, who Jesus sees past his desire to be patted on the back, and calls to his attention the condition of his heart. Putting myself in the story, it goes something like this...

I'm talking with Jesus, "So what am I doing that will assure my good standing with you in heaven?" I'd be thinking, I have this figured out. I do bible studies, although I could do better- he'll probably mention that. I go to church regularly, and rest on the Sabbath. I tithe, and technically I give on my gross income not my net - so I've got the whole giving thing in the bag. And I pray. I talk over decisions with God, and am willing to follow his direction. No new car, okay God, I'll wait. I've got this Christian life figured out. In my self righteous bubble, he'd use me as an example.

And Jesus would give me a few seconds, look into my eyes and say, "If you want the life I have for you, follow the laws God has given you." And I'd gulp, because I'd remember Leviticus and Numbers. But then I'd think of Grace, and the freedom from the law. I'd look him right in the eye, and in all seriousness say, "Which ones?"

And when he replied, "Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother and 'love your neighbor as yourself'" I'd sigh in relief. Because I've been pretty good at those, and Grace covers when I've failed. And I see Jesus looking at my unexpectedly, hoping I'll take it one step further. Hoping I won't be satisfied with the safe answer. Hoping I'll desire more.

And I do, so I ask, "What do I lack, Jesus?" And I expect him to say, "Your good." And the Jesus I've been taught all my life, would say that. But Jesus in Matthew 19 says something completely different. He looks at me, at my $100 shoes, and $4 coffee's and says, "Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." And I picture him a little sad as he says it, knowing that my response won't be one of enthusiasm. It will be one of appall. What - sell everything?? Follow you, WHERE?? Isn't that irresponsible. Irrational. Unreasonable. He'd see past all my good intentions, all the times I served with false pretenses, all the times I choose to spend time doing my own thing instead of his, he'd see what my heart really desires. He'd see my plans to gather more stuff. To earn more money. To be more successful.

And the young man in Matthew 19, turned away sad, because he had great wealth. He couldn't surrender it all. And when I read this story before I thought, I'm not wealthy. I live simply. We have a modest income, just enough but not too much. We give. We aren't the wealthy. But then I went to Haiti, and we are the wealthy. And this story took on a whole new meaning.

I agree with Richard, God doesn't ask all of us to sell everything and move to a third world country. But he does ask for absolute surrender. A willingness and readiness to do just that, if he should ask. A order in our lives that puts him so far above all else, that selling everything is a simple sacrifice. That our lives would be about eternal significance instead of worldly success. And I've been that rich young man, who turned and walked away. It was too much to give up. His terms were too great.

The Prayer of Jabez....
I've read this book. It concludes that if we pray for God's blessings, we will receive them. If we pray for an increase, God will provide one. Do A - Get B. Back when I read it, there was a gap in it. Why didn't the martyrs pray like this? Wouldn't God have spared them? Why don't the poor in third world countries pray this, and God will change their situation. Why are there really godly people that can't pay their bills after a job loss. Maybe because God's blessings aren't what we consider blessings. Maybe his increase is different than our increase.

Frodo and The Ring of Power...
Ahhh...Frodo...just throw the ring in the hottest part of the fire. Let it go. Don't put it away. Anita, give up the house, the balance in your bank account, the security of regular income, and the $4 coffee's. Ummm...I'd like to keep at least one of those. The years I grew up poor, left a wound on my heart, that longs for the financial security and lifestyle in a deeply spiritual way. That makes the thought of living without - terrifying. On a core level. That can't be satisfied with a pat answer. That needs much, much more than a cliche to allow me to let go of the ring. That will need the power of who God is. And our financial situation currently is requiring me to deal with this anxiety. And I don't like it, frankly. Because I got enough to do. But God clearly is offering healing to this wound. And I'm reminding myself daily to surrender to him ALL things. To throw the ring in the fire, to let it go.

Richard ends the chapter with the story of how God wove together situation after situation to clearly define the path ahead. And how he became broken during the process. But back to Chapter two. Richard is counting the cost of taking the CEO job at World Vision, and he gets down to brass tacks. And as I read this, I heard my own voice saying the same things. "But, Lord, I don't want to do this. This will wreck my life. Don't send me to the poor, Lord- anywhere but there. But I can't do this, God. Not poverty, slums, hunger, disease, dying children, grieving parents - don't ask me to go there, Lord. Not into so much pain and suffering and despair. In those few seconds, all of those issues flashed through my head, because, you see, in my heart I knew what was at stake. God was asking me that day to choose. He was challenging me to decide what kind of disciple I was willing to be. Two decades earlier I had bet the farm on Jesus Christ and now he was asking me to hand over the deed. What was the most important thing in my life? He wanted to know."

And God is asking me through this process- Anita, are you willing? Really willing? God is doing something. He is preparing us for something. I'm afraid most days to be willing to even ask what it might be. I'm afraid to let my mind wander, to where he might take it. And yet, you either are willing to surrender completely, or you aren't really following Jesus. Jesus, that looks into our hearts condition and demands more than we can reasonably give. Because he doesn't just want 'Christians'. He wants people who love him, to love others. And that will require surrendering our all to him. It would require a surrender that could cost us everything earthly. A wiliness to change our definition of success from the worlds view to a eternal view. Sounds easy enough, until you start thinking about selling your home you love, giving up the job you've worked for, and choosing to be so different that your family stages an intervention. Suddenly, surrender has a really high price.

Absurd....

Things I find personally absurd....

-that we have so much stuff that we will pay good money to someone else to store it.
-that we will pay over $10 to see overpaid actors pretend to be someone they are not, in a story that could not possibly happen, and leave thinking we were entertained. (Why yes, I do have tickets to see Eclipse...just because I find it absurd doesn't mean I don't participate occasionally)
-the cost of lettuce, over a dollar a head, since I grow lettuce I find this really crazy. Let's not talk about the $3 bag of lettuce, that doesn't even taste like lettuce
-people texting while in church, a meeting, or on a date. Is whatever is going on in your hand more important than what is going on right in front of you?
-the notion that as a Christian writing a check is the same as loving a person
-a purse and shoes that cost hundreds of dollars - because it has a certain name on it
-Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, etc, etc, etc...
-That people spend good money to find out about Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan. For the same price as the magazine you can buy toilet paper. A much better use of the money.
-Crap in a box, bag, or tin. I know we are all in a hurry to make dinner. But Hamburger Help** is really just noodles, spaghetti sauce and ground beef. And cost the same. And taste so much better. (Don't get offended if you eat Hamburger Help**, I just don't get it. But then again, I grow my own lettuce)
-Justin Beiber - who the heck decided he could sing and should be paid for it?? Our standards are so low it's pathetic. Your cute and can pull off this new hair style trend we'd like to start, here is a recording contract.
-Thank you notes. Well, more specifically feeling like you need a handwritten thank you note, when you were there when the gift was given and were told thanks. I know that it's probably considered rude. But if I give you a gift, and you look at me and say "Thank You, I love it." that is good enough for me. I prefer that.
-People who wear clothes that clearly don't fit them. It's crazy that we put so much pressure on each other to be a certain size, that they are willing to squeeze into something that causes their fat to explode in all the other place. But darn it, they wear a size 6. They do, really...
-Crayons that are made for two year olds. That require their own coloring books. What is wrong with the big box of crayons with the sharpener in the back. Those are the 'fancy' crayons.

What do you find absurd? What makes you roll your eyes and laugh inside? What makes you wonder about the fate of the world?

A Hole in our Gospel, Chapter 1

Baada Bing, Baada Boom...this book starts off with the gloves off.
Summary - God didn't send Christ to die for our sins, so we can have and offer a get out of hell card. His intention was much, much more. It was that there be a new world order, where the blessed would be the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the hungry and brokenhearted. That those in the kingdom of God, would create a revolution, that turned the world upside down. But that we have taken that gospel, and reduced it down.
"I believe we have reduced the gospel from a dynamic and beautiful symphony of God's love for and in the world to a bare and strident monotone...In doing so, we have also stripped it of much of it's power to change not only the human heart but the world." I've lived this watered down gospel. The problem - it doesn't set well in your soul as you get to know God. You can't come closer to God, and still believe all he cares about is the amount of commitment cards turned in after a revival. "Didn't Jesus always care about the whole person-one's health, family, work, values, relationships, behavior toward others-and his or her soul?"

Richard goes on share about a friend who cut all the verses out of bible that pertained to poverty, wealth, justice, and oppression. It was shambles when done. This is the bible I've been taught. Many of the passages, I've never heard before. I grew up in church. Bible loving churches. I attended AWANA's. I went to Sunday School. I've taken bible study classes. And for the most part they have skimmed over the call to care for those who are broken by poverty, illness, disease, and oppressed. And I can't remember a sermon in the last 5 years at church that taught on any such topic.

But ultimately it isn't the church's responsibility for me to hear God's call. Although the church must be accountable for what it teaches, to a degree. There is tension there that is explored later. But the bottom line is now I know. I've seen the whole gospel. I know that God's heart is more than just a raised hand or an alter call. It's a life changed, from the power of his promises. And from that a desire to love the people he loves. And a love that expresses itself in action.

The burning, million dollar question...now that I know, what do I do? What is the action? How am I love the poor? How am I serve? Because I'd like to make this about the church and how it's failed. It's a lot more comfortable than facing my own apathy. Facing that I've read a bible that is full of holes. Perfectly content to focus on the passages that are comforting and pleasant. He is my rock...oh yeah. I'm a new creation...ummm...love that. Streets of gold, no more pain and suffering...bring it on. Feed the starving...okay, wrote a check to Compassion this month. Clothe the poor...does donating to Goodwill count? Love the lepers...good thing leprosy can be treated now. Give all I have away, because it's easier for a camel to fit a needle than a rich man to get to heaven. Getting really uncomfortable. Because I'm pretty sure, that is me. And it's most of the people sitting next to me on Sunday morning.

William P. Young or Wm. Paul Young

I met the author of The Shack last night. And heard him tell the story of how The Shack, became a best seller. And heard how it has been used by God to reach people, and offer healing. And I left with much respect for Paul, for he took none of the credit for it. He attributed it all to God. He explained it this way, he wrote the book for his children, and gave it them as a gift. And then God gave it to his children. So here is what I took away, or at least a small part of what I did.
-It's all about relationship. About the relationship between God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If they aren't relating to one another, how can there be a relationship between us and them. Since we are made in their image, we are made for relationship. For relationship between our creator and other creations. When we live devoid of these relationships we are missing the greatest piece of life.
-Paul prayed, while writing this book for his children, not for blessings on his project. But that if God was doing something cool, could he show up and be part of it, even if it was cleaning toilets? Oh, I needed to hear this. I have a ton of ideas, some pretty grand. And I'd like God to give me the go-ahead, bless it, and may it be marvelous. In all honesty - this is more about me than him. So instead; God, if your doing something cool, can I please be a part of it? Even if it means no one except you knows. Even if it means surrendering my own grand ideas. I have an inkling of what it could actually mean. But I'm not about to put it out there in writing.
-God is a God of details. That the tapestry he creates is made of individual threads. All those small moments woven together. In the day to day life, it's easy to fall into the trap that the small things don't matter. The person you greet at church, the card you send, the child you help, the person you reach out to. But it does. God uses all of it to tell his story. To tell others that they are loved. And that they matter.
-God uses modern day parables to teach us through those wiser than us. Paul's story resonates because it speaks to us in the place that religion is unable. That the God of relationship heals what the "God" of religion can't. I'm not bashing organized religion. Although to be honest I could. But that is a whole other post. But the God that most churches teach is not a God that can heal and restore. (not all churches, but most). It's a God who must be appeased. Who gives out approval based on our meeting some elses expectations. And yet, that is not the God I've found in his word to us. It's not the God who healed my heart. Which was wounded in part, by the very people and church who were suppose to teach me who God was. They were wrong. Very, very wrong. The God they offered was way to small to love the darkest part of me. I have found that God is so much more. He forgave Peter. He redeemed Saul, and gave him a new identity. He repeatedly went to the dirtiest and loved them. That includes me. This story, of Papa and Mack, gave me an understanding of God that I needed put into words.
-Forgiveness means surrendering to God what is his already. It means leaving the judgement of those who have hurt you, to him. It means accepting that he may redeem the person, even if you believe they aren't worthy of it. The most powerful story he told last night, demonstrated this beautifully. He wrote this to his children, with no idea the book would be read in prisons across the country. That Papa defending the 'bad' guy would be read by the 'bad' guy.
He visited a woman's correctional facility, and spoke. After he spoke, he was signing books. A woman came up and hugged him. Midway through the hug, she broke down in sobs. She asked, "Do you think Papa is fond of ME?" And his reply, "Especially of you." And then she looked at him and said, "Thanks that is all I need to hear." Isn't that what we all long to know. That God, is especially fond of US. Not Paul Young, not the pastor, not the Proverbs 31 woman, but US. In our own state of yuck, he is still especially fond of us. And that his forgiveness covers it all. And allows us, made in his image, to offer to surrender to him, the other persons condition. Allows what is true anyways, to be true in our hearts.
-That people still need God. Last night was a fundraiser for a secular group. It was in no way a 'church' event. And yet, the place was full. And there was no mistake about what Paul believed. The truth was not watered down. God loves you. Enough to send Jesus for you. He wants to know you, and for you to know him. He doesn't want religious acts, but relationship. And he is fond of you. Especially of you. God is still moving, he is still actively pursuing us. And he is relentless in his pursuit of us.

He signed my book ' Anita, Grace sings your name! You matter.' God is relentlessly pursuing me, to know him. How amazing is that? That I matter, and that Grace, God's relentless pursuit of me, sings my name. And he sings yours. He is especially fond of you too.

Okay, there is more, it was a pretty rich night. But that is what I want to remember a year from now.

How is it going???

If I had a dollar each time I'm asked this, I'd be able to build a house in Haiti. Maybe for the kids birth family. (Thanks Jaime for the post idea)
And the answer is difficult. I've made a decision to be honest about our process with people. We have seen in the adoption world, this glossy exterior that can be deceptive. In the name of making sure adoption is presented in a good light, people aren't honest about some of the realities of it. The only share the good stuff. But we've decided that we'd rather be honest, so God can be glorified through all of it.
So it's a challenge to answer this question. There is no one line answer. There is no quick update. And sometimes, I don't know how it's going. Do you mean this week, or the last two hours? The answer could be vastly different.
So how is it going? There are some really good things happening. Re is picking English up quickly. He may still need speech therapy, however he seems to be easy for people to understand. He loves school, and has a really good teacher. We've made the decision for him to stay in this class next year, giving him a full year of second grade. He is currently at the beginning of first grade level for math and reading comprehension. So it felt unrealistic to expect him to be successful in third grade next year. We are having less melt-downs when things don't go his way. They are also shorter and less intense. He is talking about Haiti. About the earthquake, about his birth family, about GLA. This is a good sign to me, that he feels safe here. We have encouraged him to tell us about his life in Haiti. We ask often, Did you have this in Haiti? Did your parents do this with you? Not to compare, but to understand. And to help them remember. Re seems to be okay with this. He has fond memories of his birth family and Haiti. We have some concerns that he will romanticize Haiti, and his life there. So it's a delicate balance of being honest about his life there, and yet honoring his birth country and family.
He is still struggling with the permanence of our family. He calls our home, Mama's house. But not his house. We are being purposeful in our words. He still says he is going home to Haiti at times. We are explaining that we are now his family. And we will take him to Haiti and visit, but we are his family, even if we are in Haiti. And that when he is an adult, he can go back to Haiti. And we will still be him Papa and Mama.
Er is struggling with more right now. And has no ability to voice it, or even understand what is driving the behavior. She is particularly missing Molly, and ask daily for her. She has thought our neighbor was Molly, and was devastated when she left after a visit. She is trying to understand what having a Mama looks like. The daycare kids call me by my first name, so Er has decided that she should also. I think she still relates to me more as a caregiver than a Mama. She has began to have 'real' fits, that involve flopping on the ground, kicking and screaming, wailing and gnashing teeth. Sometimes it's an attention getting behavior. Sometimes it's out of frustration. Sometimes it's out of grief. And sometimes we have no idea why.
Ce and P each have their own frustrations and irritations about our new family. They are each dealing with it in their own way. We are thankful for their ability to ask for what they need, as well as manage their feelings in a healthy way. However, this transition has been tough on both of them. I wouldn't recommend doing it this way.
We don't always know if a issue is a result of being adopted, birth family, earthquake, evacuation, or a mix of it all. There is no study done, no literature about what is normal and not normal for a child that is brought home after a natural disaster and evacuation. There is no expect advice to go off of. We are becoming the experts. However, I believe God chose Re and Er for us. And he knew there'd be an earthquake. He knew we'd get them in a less than ideal manner. And yet, he proceeded. So I rest in who God is, trusting that he will equip us, not the experts.
We are probably going to be pursuing some counseling in the next year. In the meanwhile, we are working on language and being a family. And that will take time, day in and day out. So that is how things are going. I'm thinking of making a brochure to hand out when asked. It seems easier.

Devouring...

I'm devouring A Hole in our Gospel...fast and furious. And then going back and rereading it. And then blogging. It's been a long time since I've had a book that has prompted this reaction. The kind that I wake up thinking about. The kind that I think of as I'm grocery shopping. The kind that I really have it out with God over. You know, it goes something like this..."Really God, Really? I don't know what to do with this??" Followed by, "Okay, seriously....this isn't what I thought you meant, this seems a little extreme." And finally, "Okay, you're God, I'm not, so I guess I'll let you decide how it is."

So, what books have you laying awake at night? What books do you reread? What books do you give to friends, and tell them the HAVE to read. What books have changed you?

My list...rather short tonight.
Bible-God-standard Christian answer, I know. But really, just the summer I spent studying Isaiah changed me forever. And Romans, oh my. And James...don't get me started on James.
What's so Amazing about Grace- Philip Yancy. Read it, forget what you think you know about Grace, and see what God meant Grace to be. Hint- it's not just about receiving it. He wants us to give it to others. After receiving an ample supply from him. This was a profound lesson for me. The church I grew up in, Grace from others was in short supply, but Judgement was free at the door.
My Utmost for his Highest- Oswald Chambers. Graduation Gift. First adult devotional. Nothing light and fluffy here. And a classic.
Stones from the River-Urseli Hegi. Not a christian book. However, a beautiful story about redemption in Germany during World War II. Think the Holocaust couldn't happen again, in your country; this book convinced me it is possible and maybe even likely.
The Shack-William P. Young. This is maybe the most controversial pick. Keep in mind it's a fictional story. Written by a father for his children. Not a commentary. Not a theological paper. But a parable to help us understand who God is, and how a relationship with him could be. And I get to meet the author next week. And here him speak. And hear others stories about how God has come to them in their pain and suffering, and provided comfort.
That is the short list...there are more. But if I had to pack for a year on a desert island, these books would make the cut.
What are your books? What would you pack? What do you devour? What has God used to bring you someplace you didn't know existed?

Child Headed Households...Prologue

I look at Ce and see a young woman emerging. I think that in about 10 years she is going to be an amazing woman. A loving wife, and wonderful mother. And how much more she has to learn to get there. And how blessed she is to have time and resources to be successful.
And then I read about a 13 year old boy, who is now the head of his home. Who walks by his parents graves daily. Who is responsible for two siblings. With no adults in their lives to show them how to be adults. And I catch my breathe.
I love Ce, but the thought of her being head of the household is ridiculous. She can barely take care of herself. And I realize this is how God means it to be. Parents providing for children. Showing them how to be an adult. And when that doesn't happen, God's heart is broken.
And then this..."But what sickened my most was the question: where was the Church? Indeed, where were the followers of Jesus Christ in the midst of perhaps the greatest humanitarian crisis of our time?... How have we missed it so tragically, when even rock stars and Hollywood actors seem to understand?"
Sucker punch to the gut. Because the church he is talking about is my church. It's me. It's me, showing up and thinking that how our church is doing it is enough. I've been content with a nice building, well paid staff, dynamic youth group, and a collection taken up after the earthquake in Haiti. Except, somewhere in my heart I knew this wasn't really loving the poor. Which is why when the collection for Haiti happened, I was sad. Because it was a knee jerk reaction. Not a commitment to love the people of Haiti for Jesus. Write a check and feel better about the tragedy. I don't doubt the intentions of those who set up the collection were good, and that those who gave, gave out of love. However, if we were all confronted with a child who was trying to care for their siblings in a poverty stricken nation, would writing a check really be enough?
And here is where it gets personal for me...I know that one day, I'm going to stand before my heavenly Father. And I don't want to be shuffling my feet, hanging my head, saying to myself, "I thought I did enough. I adopted. I gave. I made a difference, within my church for the poor." Because I'm coming to realize, those words are going to be empty and meaningless standing next to a boy who lost both parents, and was looking to other people who love Jesus to BE love to him.

Introduction-Hole in our Gospel

So I thought I do a chapter by chapter blog post. Except there was too much good stuff just in the introduction...so I guess I'll start there.

The introduction does exactly what it is suppose to...introduces us to the purpose of the author in writing this book. It's about understand what God expects of us? As people who love him. And what could happen if we understood and then did it. Easy to say. Hard to do.

'Yet we are the carriers of the gospel-the good news that was meant to change the world. Belief is not enough. Worship is not enough. Personal morality is not enough. And Christian community is not enough. God has always demanded more. When we committed ourselves to following Christ, we also committed to living out lives in such a way that a watching world would catch a glimpse of God's character-His love, justice, and mercy-through our words, actions, and behavior.' - Direct Quote

See, I had all that list checked off. Belief- check. I believe. Jesus, the cross, redemption. Worship-every weekend, twice even. While I work out, do dishes, and as I wake up. Extra big check. Gold Star even. Personal morality- Am truthful. Don't steal. Don't cheat. Check. Christian community- Church, small group, friends, CHECK...in fact it's 90% christian in my world.
And then I stumble. God wants more. He wants me to live out his character. That others would see him. How is that possible?? I think I'm honest about my faith. I don't hide it. You don't know me long, before you know I go to church, worship, and have a large Christian circle I run in. But living a life that people catch a glimpse of God? Not religion or church...but God himself?? Well....don't know about that.
However, I want more. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want to care about what God cares about. I want to do more than just have a private relationship with God. I want to have a public relationship with God. Not just that others would know I go to church. But that my relationship with God would effect them. That they would see mercy, grace and justice that God is and be changed by it.

The author closes the introduction with this thought..."What if two billion people embraced this vision of God transforming our world-through them? Imagine it. Indeed, what if even two thousand people took their faith to the next level - what might God do? Two thousand years ago, the world was changed forever by just twelve. I can happen again."
So I'm chewing on this...What IF God really wants to use ME, my family, to change the world? I'm talking to God about it, and praying for an open heart. What if everything I have that I think is enough for him, really isn't? What if the worship, tithe, church attendance, and christian community isn't as important as I've made it be? What if there is another piece I've looked away from?

My prayer...show me. Show me what breaks your heart. And let it break mine.

A Hole in OUR Gospel

Reading this book...A Hole in our Gospel by Richard Sterns. CEO of World Vision.

I read alot. Even with four kids. I get two books a week from the library, and finish them by the next week. I read Philip Yancy, Donald Miller, and Rob Bell regularly. I LOVE really GOOD christian writing. The kind of writing that makes God more than you thought. Writing that gives insight into God's word. Writing that challanges me to see God and his people as more than I do.

This book, has blown my socks off in the first chapter. I walk around thinking about it. It's not Richards story, although it's a powerful story of obedience. It's God's word being exposed for more than I've ever given it credit for. That the words in the old and new testament aren't just a theory, but a call to ACTION.

So I'm going to blog it chapter by chapter. This is really only for my benefit. This whole blog is really about me. About having a place to process my life. And if it brings others anything, that is a bonus. Thus the candid honesty, that I'm sure at times is too brutal. So I'll be blogging my time reading this book. Something tells me it's going to be life changing.

Get yourself a copy. I'd love to hear others thoughts and prayers as they read about God's heart of his people.

Three Months

I have a hard time believing it's been over three months. There is a surreal quality to these last three months. I think much of what happened from Jan. 12 - Jan 22 is just now starting to be processed by my heart and head. And it still stuns me at times. The magnitude of what happened in Haiti. The swiftness of the kids coming here. How much has truly changed for forever. How tired we are. How expensive four kids is going to be. It has changed everything. EVERYTHING. And if I feel this way, how must Re and Er being feeling it.
Pray for us...while we know others struggle through this same process, at times it feels like we are very alone. We feel under attack on a daily basis. While there is much joy, there is alot of stress and pressure. We aren't doing enough. We can't. That is a hard. To not meet everyone's needs everytime. To not be able to write checks to pay everything that needs paid. There is no balance. We aren't sure it's possible. We are trusting that God will provide and his GRACE is sufficent. That where we fail and are weak, his love and grace shows up. But it is hard to surrender to that. We would like to believe that in a year we will look back, and see how far we have come. But in reality, it might just be the same. Deciding which bill to pay and which one to not. The pressure and stress to do it may still feel overwhelming most days. However, the hope is that even if that is true, God's Grace is enough. For me. For R. For our marriage. For each of our kids.

What now...

So if I was organized, I'd post these in some kind of order. But then I'd also have an organized spice shelf, sock drawers, and life. None of those things exist in my life, so organized blog posting is probably not realistic.
So I left off our story of the trip to Miami with us leaving the airport conference room. Just walking away with our children. First of all, we had no clue what we were doing. First decision as parents was to put them on an elevator. After they had experienced an earthquake. Repeatedly. As soon as it started to move, they grabbed for something to hold onto and looked as us with panic. The light bulb went on over our heads and we felt like a couple ding-dongs. We held onto both of them, and reassured them that it was a ride, not an earthquake. They both calmed down quickly, and we were off and running again. As we walked through the baggage claim area, we both kept looking at them and each other. This is real. This is our new life. This is our children with us. Not our children separated from us, but together. The other thought was we are tired.
We caught the shuttle back to the hotel. We stumbled through the front doors, to be greeted enthusiastically by the staff. This is the same staff I had a complete and unattractive meltdown in front of the day before over early check in. So that moment of excitement for us, was a moment of grace. As we walked down the hall to the elevator, Re looks up at us and ask, "Is this our house?" with a look of utter wonder. No honey, our house only has 3 rooms for people to sleep in. This is a hotel, just a place to sleep tonight.
We got up to our room, and got them a snack. We then made a couple phone calls, and tried to get an action plan for going home. We could leave the next day, or stay an extra day. We were anxious to get home, back to our girls here. We didn't want them to get too settled. So R and the kids laid down for naps, and I started to book flights. Another moment of grace, one way tickets home were $167, leaving the next morning. So after travel plans were made, I crawled into bed about 1:30pm and fell fast asleep. We slept until 5:00pm, ordered dinner, had baths, read, colored, and made more calls. We were back in bed by 8:00pm. We all slept really good. We ate breakfast and prepared to leave for the airport. I was sad to see this part of our journey end so quickly. It didn't feel like anyone of us had time to process what had just happened. We all had the deer in the headlights look.
As we passed security there was a moment of concern (okay, panic for me). Our travel letter, had a different child's name in the second paragraph, and was clearly cut and pasted in a hurry. It was also a copy and not on official letterhead. The security guard looked at it, at us, at them, at the letter, and repeated this process at least 3 times. I was holding my breathe and praying that God would soften his heart and give him understanding. The guard looked at me, and asked if they spoke Creole, and were from the group that came in last night. I exhaled and said yes. His coworker then said something to them in Creole, and she had tears in her eyes. She wished us a safe travel home as he put our papers back together. He handed me the papers and said, "God bless your family." And that was it. No one was coming to ask further questions. The Department of Human Services wasn't going to intervene. We were just going to go get on that plane and fly home.
We went to go get a cup of coffee and wait by the terminal. Now, a moment of silence for the rest of the world that does not know what a decent cup of coffee taste like. Russ got me something that I'm pretty sure included the coffee in the mocha mix from the only 'coffee stand'. We were blessed to be waiting with another family headed to Northern California with their children from GLA. I wish I remembered their names, or their children's names. I wish I'd been better about writing down those details.
Their children were a boy and girl, around our kids age. Er and the little girl passed a lifesaver back and forth up until we were seated. Re and their son shared juice and crackers. I think it gave our children a moment that felt just a little bit normal in what must have been so much unknown. As we loaded, the flight attendants were very captivated by our two little children who were in full charm mode. Before we knew it we were offered tv's to watch, food to share, and blankets to sleep with. The captain came on to do his announcement, and announced that they were delighted to be flying families home that had just received their children from Haiti. What happened next, still bewilders me. The entire plane erupted in clapping. People stopped by to say congratulations, to offer help, to give us small gifts. Not just our family, but all the families.
As the plane took off I felt this emotional and spiritual exhale. A breathe I didn't know I was still holding. The part of me that didn't have faith. That believed at any moment someone was going to tap my shoulder and tell me there was a problem. And as that part of me had no reason to doubt, the tears started to just flow. Not an ugly cry, but a cry of understanding. That God really was faithful. He really does fulfill his promises. He really does create miracles. He really does use us to tell his story. That God really did answer my prayers. I can't really put it into words, but when you get a glimpse of the reality of God, you can't help but be moved.
It was a long flight. Eight hours. And for those of you who travel 18 hours, I can't imagine. We landed in Seattle, had a short layover, and were on our way home. We landed in PDX, got ourselves collected and took a moment just to enjoy what was going to happen. We had waited for years to have that moment. The moment where we are all together. A moment ordained by God. A moment we saw slip away when the earthquake happened. A moment we decided to believe would happen, not because of anything besides who God is. And we walked out to our older girls, our family, our friends and became what we are now. A family ordered by God, completed by God and living proof that he still orchestras miracles.

What is new...

I've seem to have lost the ability to take pictures. Really. I'm not sure it it went bye-bye with the super wonderful camera I miss dearly. If using a $100 camera is just too frustrating after not using one. If as a Mom of four kids, I just forget. If it's just to hard now to get anyone to hold still long enough.

But here are a few updated pictures. And how far we have come.

Re and Er are both speaking English 99% of the time. Re's favorite thing to say is, "Aaahhh...come on". After someone scores a point on the wii game, if I ask him to pick up his socks, if it's dinnertime, and so on and so on. Er says quite a bit, although there is still alot of babbling.

Er has pulled out all the stops with her ability to charm. In GLA she was one of many charming children. Here she has the market on it. We joke that she must wave good-bye to her fans. She is still learning that we are her family. Not the nice lady at the library, or the family leaving Dairy Queen. However, progress is being made.

Re is going to bed better. After the discovery of melatonin bedtime began to improve. When we finally figured out he was scared of going to sleep by himself, and put them in bed together it improved greatly. We thought sharing a room would be enough. It wasn't.

Re is doing well at school. He has tested out at the beginning of first grade for reading and math. However, all things considered, we are thrilled with that. He has tried pulling the 'I don't know' card, and been called on it. And then went back to redo it when the consequence of no bike was made clear.

Er is now fully potty trained. This makes this Mama very pleased. No more diapers...oh the freedom that brings. She does however feel the need to report everything that happens and can often be found wondering the house with her pants and undies around her ankles calling for me. She can't be bothered with pulling up her pants, flushing and washing hands before coming to find me to file her report.

Re has started to talk more about Haiti. About his life in GLA. About his Haitian family. About the earthquake. We are trying to allow him the time and safety to talk about what he needs too, while not dwelling on it either. He still struggles with the permanence of it. He has told us that Joyce will be coming to take him back to Haiti. While I understand the need for them to be evacuated, it didn't allow him the time and process for closure. We are trying to help him make sense of it all.

Re and Er both had major dental work done. Re has significant dental issues. He has a total of 9 cavities, 4 needing crowns. However, he seems delighted to not be in tooth pain anymore. He never complained about it. He really is tough as nails. Er had cavities between her two front teeth. She had crowns put on them. She still had a purple mouth from the medication for Thrush. And now she has slightly purple front teeth. Hoping it fades, but eventually she will lose them.

Ce is starting to find her place as a new big sister. She is probably struggled the most. At 12, there were alot of other changes in her life, without the addition of Re and Er. However, we are continuously amazed by her compassion and empathy for them. She slept with Re the other night. She came out of the room, and was delighted he was telling her about Haiti. She is sweet enough to help them in the morning, so we have a few minutes of extra sleep or a shower.

P is starting to adjust to being a big sister. It's been hard to lose her role as the baby. I know at times she feels like she got the short end of the stick. But we are working on that. She is complaining of stomach pain, and I believe at least part of it is the stress of all this change. She internalizes stress, and has physical consequences. We are also trying to figure out if there are some food allergies going on.

We are still figuring out citizenship. We are working on getting what we need to file. We are still praying for a miracle, and the fees to be wavered. USCIS is still figuring out what to do, and we are praying for a simpler solution than has been presented. We are certain that we must gain citizenship for them quickly if possible. We will file the paperwork in the next 60 days one way or another.

R and I are doing okay. We are in this boat together. Sometimes we feel like we row all day and are still in the same spot. Some days the shore seems a little closer. Some days it feels like we've lost ground. Some days it feels like we are rowing in different directions. And some days we are just beating each with the oars. But we aren't giving up our seats. We both know that we are in this together. Neither one of us can afford it on our own. And no one else would want us. No one else would get us. We are just a little too crazy for anyone but each other. So while some days we are waving oars at one another, and rowing in different directions, neither one of us is bailing.

Each day is a different. But we are starting to have moments of normalcy. We are starting to have moments of predictability. We are starting to have moments where we don't look like a deer in the headlights. We are also having moments that involve glasses of wine, and cigars.

But God is faithful and has given us everything we have needed when we needed it. And we have faith he will continue to do so.

Why not adopt from here...

So this post has been brewing awhile. It's not easy to write, or articulate my thoughts on this. I'm afraid I'm going to come off sounding self righteous, or judgemental.
But darn it, if it doesn't just keep coming up. We started being asked why not adopt from the USA when we announced we were adopting from a foreign country. When the story aired on the local news, among the first comments was one berating us for not adopting from here. When the local paper ran the story, same result. The Russian child being sent back has brought it back up. It's been joked about on late night tv. Why not adopt from here? Why are US parents adopting from overseas when there are kids here that need homes. We should take care of our own children. There are hungry children here. There are abused children here. There is a need here. This was the nicest way people communicated their opinion. There were harsher comments that aren't worth repeating.
And while I can't read people's minds, and I'm making an assumption, it seems that this thought process comes from a place that believes that US born children are more worthy than a child born outside our borders. Now- I am NO way implying that those driven to adopt from the US feel this way. These comments didn't come from adoptive parents. Any adoptive parent I have met understands that where your children come from is a deeply personal decision, and not to be judged lightly.
So here is the answer to this question that was posed in many different ways during our adoption.
-We feel ALL children have the same worth. Regardless of the country of birth. Regardless of how pretty they look in the pictures. While the US does tend to place value on American made, we believe children are God-made and EVERY child deserves a loving home.
-We are patriotic. We love the USA. We know how richly blessed we are JUST because we were born here. We love that our country has a system in place to provide food for the hungry children, safe water to drink, free education, safe homes for the abused, and families for those whose birth families are unable to care for them.
-Our hearts were pulled to Haiti. Where clean water is a luxury. Where education is expensive and out of reach for most. Where one meal a day is a blessing. Where children die daily for lack of basic necessities, like food.

With the situation happening with the Russian boy being sent back, I've heard this opinion more and more. Well, if she adopted in the US, this wouldn't have happened. Well, this is why people need to adopt our starving, abused children. And people should, who have been called by God. But the percentage of starving children is VERY small in the USA. In fact, walking into most low income schools it appears that the children could miss a few meals and it be okay. That is because they are given breakfast and lunch, FREE, paid for by the government, five days a week. In the summer there are free lunch programs. They are provided a protein, a starch, and at least one fruit or vegetable and milk. There is Food Stamps, WIC, and Food Shares all working to insure that families are fed. The cases of starving children is a result of neglectful parenting, not lack of resources. When a child starves to death in the USA, we are grieved that it happened. When a child dies of starvation in Haiti, it is accepted as a sad reality of life.

And the government provides an agency whose sole responsibility it is to protect children. When a child is abused in the USA, they are removed from their home and protected. When a child is abused in Haiti, they are just abused. When we hear of a child made a slave by extended family, we fight to make it right. In Haiti, child servitude is a culturally accepted practice.

And so while my heart breaks for those children put through the system, for it is a broken one, our hearts were called to bring a family to children who there was no system to protect them. Just being born on US soil affords you so much opportunity. Clean water, government subsidized food, free education, and the right to define who you are. Don't believe me, go visit a third world country with a class system. And tell me that a birth certificate from here isn't a blessing.

So to those who believe that we should have adopted from here. That internationally adoption should only happen after ALL our children in the USA are taken care of. I say to you, call DHS and get busy. Because every child has the right to have a loving family. EVERY child. Ours happen to be from Haiti, because we chose to be obedient to where God was leading us.

We are the Truth day

The Joint Counsel on International Children's Services has declared today to be "We are the Truth Adoption Blogger Day". This is in response to the woman who put a little boy on a plane to Russia. I can't call them mother and son, because clearly that was not the case.
So we are to tell our Adoption Truth today on our blog. Now I think 5 people read this. And they are mostly family and close friends. But please share as you feel led.
Our adoption story is pretty cool. There have been some really high ups and really low downs. Lost paperwork, travel plans secured the day of travel, meeting our children to leave them, an earthquake, an evacuation, God moving mountains, and our little hearts running behind all of this trying to catch the lessons.
We are to blog our successful adoption story. It seems early to me to deem us successful in navigating this new life. And our adoption is not really complete. Yes our kids are home, but we have a long paperwork journey ahead of us.
However, I can say this. We love them. We are working hard on merging these two families together into one. We are doing our best to figure it out as we go. We may not feel the success for a long time to come. That is the reality of international adoption. But you continue on, having faith that paperwork was found, mountains were moved, so that the journey could be completed. These kids are broken. Even in the best of situations. And it takes time, prayer, love and grace to heal them. From God and you. And we are banking on that.
I don't know this mom. I don't know her pain and frustration. I do know how painful and frustrating it can be with my own children. I can now see how disrupted adoptions can happen. How the toll could be more than one can imagine. How a parent can be without other options. How a child can be too broken for that family to heal. Or that family may be to broken to heal that child. And those parents are faced with the most difficult decisions of how to proceed forward. It's easy for adoptive parents to judge those who have had to say this isn't going to work. I've found myself thinking those harsh thoughts. However, my perspective has changed after three of the most trying months of my life. If I didn't see progress and have hope that there is healing happening, I don't know if I could continue on for 15 more years. If I could put the rest of my family through 15 years of distruption.
But you still can't put your kid on a plane and send them home. You are still responsible for getting them to the next place they can call home. You don't get to be spiteful to the country they came from and send them back with a note attached. You don't get to blame them for your lack of knowledge. Regardless of what you were told, every internationally adopted child comes with lots of baggage. Every adoption book, forum, and agency informs you of this, if your eyes are open.
So yes, we have a successful adoption. We pray it stays that way. We can't imagine a family without Re and Er. It may be years before we can say with confidence it was and is successful, but we will continue on with their best interest at heart.

It's my birthday...

And the amazing part is my family is complete. Re and Er are home. Last year at this time, I was praying that they'd be here. I could have never foreseen the events that would lead up to the realization of that prayer. That out of the ashes and rubble of a horrific natural disaster, God would use our little family to proclaim his greatness to others. That we'd be part of a miracle that the entire nation observed.
I don't for a minute believe that God 'made' the earthquake happen so my prayers would be answered. So that families here could be united. But that natural disasters happen as part of a broken world. And he brings hope and redemption into our broken world.

I've wanted to blog about the hours spent waiting for our kids. Of getting the kids. The hours spent with other families. The observation of their miracles. Of many, many, many miracles. With pictures of them. With pieces of their stories. However, we don't have pictures of many of them. And to be honest, that seems overwhelming. As you can see, I haven't even uploaded new pictures of us.

So I'm going to just use words, and trust it will be enough.

We arrived in Miami Airport about 8:30pm to wait. Believing that the kids would be leaving Haiti about 9:00pm, and arriving about 11:00pm. When we walked in there were a few couples, families gathered. Many we 'knew' through a yahoo group. We shared travel experiences, and exchanged what little information we had. The couple we traveled to Haiti with, Tony and Barb and their beautiful family came about this time. I don't think I was ever so happy to see a familiar face. They are a lovely couple, adopting a sweet little girl about 6 months older than Er. We went and had pizza with them, to avoid the media that was present.

About 10:30pm we got wind that the plane had not left Haiti. There was a moment of panic, in my little heart. My greatest fear was that they wouldn't be given permission to leave Haiti, or enter the USA. And then God rushed the words of Isaiah in. "I will bring your children from the east". And on my knees I went. I prayed for the plane's engines to work. For the pilots health, for the US Army on the ground to have an urge to get that plane out of there. For the weather to stay clear. For the other parents to be called to storm the gates of heaven. There was no doubt that there was a spiritual battle raging for these children. And that getting that plane out of Haiti wasn't just about logistics.

The plane left, and there was a quick celebration, followed by the weight of what was happening. Some of these parents had waited 3+ years for their children. Some had received a referral just a month prior. I can't imagine being either of those families. The longer you wait, the harder it is to believe it will happen. And a month of a referral, and a week of preparation to be a parent - imagine that. All of us felt the weight of what was going to happen.

About 1:00am we got word that the plane had landed in the USA. We knew we still had a long night ahead of us, but knowing our kids were in the same country,was enough in that moment. We spent the next 8 hours trying to sleep on the floor, visiting, and trying to keep warm while sleeping on the floor. Around 7:00am, they started to prepare us. Giving us name tags with our kids names on them to wear. We attempted to find a good cup of coffee. We attempted to find something healthy to eat. Both proved impossible. About 8:00am, they took us to a different part of the airport to wait to be given the kids. We were quite the motly crew. About 60 people, who hadn't slept in days, playing follow the leader through through a busy airport. I wondered if people watching us would hear the story, and realize they got to glimpse a miracle in the works.

We were lead into a large conference, where we sat and waited patiently (kinda). The energy in the room was one of hope, trepidation, and exhaustion. There were jokes being made, prayers being said, journals, picture taking, and overall a restlessness. We heard the kids were being moved to the conference room next to us. We started to feel our hearts race.

Dixie (the director of GLA) came in to talk to us. She told us the kids had done good, that we weren't to spoil them, and that is about all I really remember. They would then called us out a couple families at a time to be united with our kids in the hall. We would then go to the other conference room to 'hang out' for awhile, and were free to go when we were ready. As we waited for this process to start, we heard the kids singing through the wall. At the orphanage, when one child left, the rest of them would sing to them before they left. They were singing to each other, to us, to God. Hallelujah. In Creole. It was the sound of heaven. It is indescribable. But I do believe in that moment, we got a glimpse of heaven. Of what redemption looks like. Of spiritual victory. Of Grace. Of peace. Of Love.

They started to call out names, and parents left to become families. The excitement in the room was beyond words. If adoption is a representation of God adopting us, and the angels rejoicing when we are received, then the feeling in that room must be what heaven is like. The pure joy at seeing God working. And lives being forever changed, because of who he is.

The staff came in and gave a quick update, and called our names. And then asked us to give them a couple minutes. I think we did. But maybe not. A couple minutes felt like a couple hours. I know we waited some, because the other families told us to go ahead and go. We walked through the doors into a crowded hall. There were at least 4 other families, a couple news crews, some staff and security. And we saw Re and Er standing there. Waiting for us. Looking smaller than I remembered. Er looked scared, and tired. Re looked excited and nervous. When he saw us, there was a moment of recognition. I told myself I'd be calm, cool and collected. There was media, other people, and I wasn't going to make a fool of myself.

Those who know me, know that this was a ridiculous expectation. All of the worry, fright, uncertainty, exhaustion, and unknowns flew away when I laid eyes on them. All the other people faded away. It became quiet and holy. And I ran to them. And fell on my knees in front of them. And wrapped my arms around them. And told them I love you. And that we came back for them. (We had promised Re that we would come back for him when we left Haiti). And that is about all I remember of those moments. I know I cried like a baby. And I know that God was wrapping his arms around our family in that moment, and blessing us. And that the feeling of pure joy of being united with the children you loved and waited for, was a small piece of what God must feel when one of us come back to him, desiring to be loved by him. That the God who knew what it meant to be separated from the children he loves, also knows how sweet the reunion is.

We then went into the conference room to hang out for awhile. And as we sat playing with our children, we watched family after family come in, miracle after miracle. A family that were on year 4, TOGETHER. A mother with a inconsolable baby, thankful for the opportunity to hold her crying child in her arms at last. Our friends with their daughter, our families sitting next to each other playing again. The strength of the staff to let go of the children they have loved. We watched our children share their juice and crackers around. We watched woman become mothers. Men become fathers. Couples become parents.

There was a group who provided supplies in the conference room, along with drinks and snacks. I am soo grateful for that. We didn't bring diapers thinking that Er was potty trained. I hadn't thought to bring a first aid kit. We hadn't brought nearly enough snacks. We didn't have a change of clothes for Er and she leaked through her diaper before we had a chance to change her. And yet, everything we needed was there. And the volunteers were so gracious.

After about an hour and half, we said goodbyes to their friends and caregivers. To sweet Molly and Joyce, whose strength amazed me. Whose grief I can't even begin to imagine. We tried to thank them, but words will never be enough. If you are reading this Molly or Joyce. We love you.

We got our paperwork, and ourselves together. We then left. Just like that. A family. We just walked out of the room, down the elevator, out to catch the shuttle back to the hotel. Just like any other family. It was a moment we had longed for, prayed for, had faith to believe would happen even when the world fell apart. And it did. Because that is who God is. A God of restoration. A God of completion. A God of Grace and Love. A God who tells his story of love, over and over again. And that he has used us to tell his story, humbles me daily.

I will finish telling about our time in Miami. About the trip home. About more moments of grace and love along the way.

Okay, my disclaimer. The time frame was put together through a fog of memories, and a few notes I jotted down. It is probably not completely accurate.