Christmas Past...

Ahhh Christmas...
I'm sad to admit it flew past me and I don't think I got much out of it this year. I don't feel the usually afterglow. Or like I understand who God is anymore, or what he's done for me. I don't think I feel any closer to my family. I think it just pasted on through my life, almost unnoticed. I really don't know why.
I think at least part of it, maybe a major part, is the feeling of being an incomplete family. Last year, our children weren't ours. They were an idea. A possibility. A wish, a dream, a prayer. This year they are R and Er. And they weren't here. They didn't have presents under the tree. We didn't see them in their Christmas outfit. We didn't wake to their laughter. We know them, and yet we don't. We are their Papa and Mama, and yet we aren't the arms they cuddle in.
We knew we'd have to wait. We knew we'd have Christmas without them. We knew we'd have a hard time with it. But it's harder than we realized. That's all.
Maybe we were taken back by how much harder it was then we thought it would be. We went Christmas shopping. We walked by a rack of toddler Christmas dresses. We looked at a couple of dresses, for Er. And suddenly we were both almost in tears. We didn't want to ship her a dress. We wanted to put it on her ourselves. We wanted to know we were closer to bringing them home.
And yet- God is GOOD... all the time. Even when we don't 'feel' it. Even when we are out of sorts. Even when the day to celebrate him is bittersweet. All the time God is GOOD. With or without our children here. Today, Tomorrow and the next day God is GOOD. He will be good the days we hear nothing. He is good the days we receive good news. He is no better the day we get to bring our kids home. He remains the same...
I'll post happy thoughts on Christmas, and photo's tomorrow. There were good parts, we had a good Christmas, we enjoyed C and P. We ate way too much, spent time with family, and played wii. Stayed tuned for the other side of the coin. Just keeping it real...