God=Church...Church=God...

I have been talking to God. And he keeps saying something to me I'm not sure I know what to do with. I grew up in church. And I grew up learning about God in church. And at home. And at church. And I learned that God=Church and Church=God. And I hear God saying, through his word, through my experience, through that small voice, through other people; that the equation of God=Church doesn't add up.

Here is the problem with it. Church isn't perfect. The building is rundown, the pastors are hurried, the worship team misses a beat, and sometimes you are snubbed in the lobby. Sometimes you leave feeling beaten up, feeling guilty, feeling worn, feeling like you have to work harder to get it. Sometimes you leave feeling elated, feeling blessed, feeling loved, and feeling like you belong. But every time I meet with God I feel grace, I am loved, I am his and I belong.

Now I know most Christians 'know' this. I 'know' this. However, knowing and living it can be difficult. And for me, I seem to backtrack every time I walk through the doors. It's just so entrenched in my mind and heart. It's many, many years of church done that way. It's many years of letting my relationship with church be enough for me. And I'm not sure how to rectify this. Does one go to the place that is the cause for concern, to find a solution? It's a real quandary I've found myself in.

When I'm hiking though the woods, I find God. When I'm worshipping in my living room to David Crowder, I know God is here. When I'm reading his word, I hear him speak to me. I'm open, I'm available, I'm present in his presence.

When I go to church, I visit with friends. I try and listen to the message, but forget most of it before I drive away. I enjoy the worship, but worry what others think if I were to really just worship. I don't really know what it means. I don't know what others experience at church. But the problem for me is this- I don't think that I'm going to figure it out at church.

And church seems to be a distraction. I can keep myself pretty happy just doing church. Just learning about God. Just worshiping for 15 minutes a week. Just hearing about God. As long as it is present and readily available, it seems like it's enough. But it's not.

So I hear God saying, in a soft voice, that it's okay to take a break. And everything in me says, "That can't be. God=Church. If I'm not a church, God will judge me as uncommitted. Others will think I've back slided, I'll be talked about, I'll be 'prayed' for, I'll be counted as lost. I will back slide (I'm not sure what I'm going to back slide too). I will walk away from my faith, I won't find God outside of Church."

And really that is my fear. That I won't find God outside of church. That he only exist in the box of organized religion. While I know that in my head he is bigger than Church, my heart skips a beat at God's bold suggestion. Take a break from church. Really God??? You won't mind??? You'll still teach me? You'll still bring truth and grace to my life?

So I'm praying about, thinking about, and praying about taking a summer break from church. A break with purpose. To seek God elsewhere. To seek him in his creation. To seek him serving the poor. To seek him in quiet reflection of his words. To seek him in a very personal way. To worship in my living room. And to trust him that we wouldn't lead me to a place that would put distance between us. But to a place that would draw me into him.

I love my church. My church isn't just a building, it's a body of people who love God. Who encourage each other to grow in their relationship with Christ. It isn't my church that is a problem. I have a great pastors that teach truth about God. I have a great circle of friends who love me. So it's not them, it's me. It's an area I have to deal with. I have to heal. And having a loving, truth-filled church has provided some healing. Enough to get me to this place. And I'm thankful for that. But it's not enough anymore.