William P. Young or Wm. Paul Young

I met the author of The Shack last night. And heard him tell the story of how The Shack, became a best seller. And heard how it has been used by God to reach people, and offer healing. And I left with much respect for Paul, for he took none of the credit for it. He attributed it all to God. He explained it this way, he wrote the book for his children, and gave it them as a gift. And then God gave it to his children. So here is what I took away, or at least a small part of what I did.
-It's all about relationship. About the relationship between God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If they aren't relating to one another, how can there be a relationship between us and them. Since we are made in their image, we are made for relationship. For relationship between our creator and other creations. When we live devoid of these relationships we are missing the greatest piece of life.
-Paul prayed, while writing this book for his children, not for blessings on his project. But that if God was doing something cool, could he show up and be part of it, even if it was cleaning toilets? Oh, I needed to hear this. I have a ton of ideas, some pretty grand. And I'd like God to give me the go-ahead, bless it, and may it be marvelous. In all honesty - this is more about me than him. So instead; God, if your doing something cool, can I please be a part of it? Even if it means no one except you knows. Even if it means surrendering my own grand ideas. I have an inkling of what it could actually mean. But I'm not about to put it out there in writing.
-God is a God of details. That the tapestry he creates is made of individual threads. All those small moments woven together. In the day to day life, it's easy to fall into the trap that the small things don't matter. The person you greet at church, the card you send, the child you help, the person you reach out to. But it does. God uses all of it to tell his story. To tell others that they are loved. And that they matter.
-God uses modern day parables to teach us through those wiser than us. Paul's story resonates because it speaks to us in the place that religion is unable. That the God of relationship heals what the "God" of religion can't. I'm not bashing organized religion. Although to be honest I could. But that is a whole other post. But the God that most churches teach is not a God that can heal and restore. (not all churches, but most). It's a God who must be appeased. Who gives out approval based on our meeting some elses expectations. And yet, that is not the God I've found in his word to us. It's not the God who healed my heart. Which was wounded in part, by the very people and church who were suppose to teach me who God was. They were wrong. Very, very wrong. The God they offered was way to small to love the darkest part of me. I have found that God is so much more. He forgave Peter. He redeemed Saul, and gave him a new identity. He repeatedly went to the dirtiest and loved them. That includes me. This story, of Papa and Mack, gave me an understanding of God that I needed put into words.
-Forgiveness means surrendering to God what is his already. It means leaving the judgement of those who have hurt you, to him. It means accepting that he may redeem the person, even if you believe they aren't worthy of it. The most powerful story he told last night, demonstrated this beautifully. He wrote this to his children, with no idea the book would be read in prisons across the country. That Papa defending the 'bad' guy would be read by the 'bad' guy.
He visited a woman's correctional facility, and spoke. After he spoke, he was signing books. A woman came up and hugged him. Midway through the hug, she broke down in sobs. She asked, "Do you think Papa is fond of ME?" And his reply, "Especially of you." And then she looked at him and said, "Thanks that is all I need to hear." Isn't that what we all long to know. That God, is especially fond of US. Not Paul Young, not the pastor, not the Proverbs 31 woman, but US. In our own state of yuck, he is still especially fond of us. And that his forgiveness covers it all. And allows us, made in his image, to offer to surrender to him, the other persons condition. Allows what is true anyways, to be true in our hearts.
-That people still need God. Last night was a fundraiser for a secular group. It was in no way a 'church' event. And yet, the place was full. And there was no mistake about what Paul believed. The truth was not watered down. God loves you. Enough to send Jesus for you. He wants to know you, and for you to know him. He doesn't want religious acts, but relationship. And he is fond of you. Especially of you. God is still moving, he is still actively pursuing us. And he is relentless in his pursuit of us.

He signed my book ' Anita, Grace sings your name! You matter.' God is relentlessly pursuing me, to know him. How amazing is that? That I matter, and that Grace, God's relentless pursuit of me, sings my name. And he sings yours. He is especially fond of you too.

Okay, there is more, it was a pretty rich night. But that is what I want to remember a year from now.

How is it going???

If I had a dollar each time I'm asked this, I'd be able to build a house in Haiti. Maybe for the kids birth family. (Thanks Jaime for the post idea)
And the answer is difficult. I've made a decision to be honest about our process with people. We have seen in the adoption world, this glossy exterior that can be deceptive. In the name of making sure adoption is presented in a good light, people aren't honest about some of the realities of it. The only share the good stuff. But we've decided that we'd rather be honest, so God can be glorified through all of it.
So it's a challenge to answer this question. There is no one line answer. There is no quick update. And sometimes, I don't know how it's going. Do you mean this week, or the last two hours? The answer could be vastly different.
So how is it going? There are some really good things happening. Re is picking English up quickly. He may still need speech therapy, however he seems to be easy for people to understand. He loves school, and has a really good teacher. We've made the decision for him to stay in this class next year, giving him a full year of second grade. He is currently at the beginning of first grade level for math and reading comprehension. So it felt unrealistic to expect him to be successful in third grade next year. We are having less melt-downs when things don't go his way. They are also shorter and less intense. He is talking about Haiti. About the earthquake, about his birth family, about GLA. This is a good sign to me, that he feels safe here. We have encouraged him to tell us about his life in Haiti. We ask often, Did you have this in Haiti? Did your parents do this with you? Not to compare, but to understand. And to help them remember. Re seems to be okay with this. He has fond memories of his birth family and Haiti. We have some concerns that he will romanticize Haiti, and his life there. So it's a delicate balance of being honest about his life there, and yet honoring his birth country and family.
He is still struggling with the permanence of our family. He calls our home, Mama's house. But not his house. We are being purposeful in our words. He still says he is going home to Haiti at times. We are explaining that we are now his family. And we will take him to Haiti and visit, but we are his family, even if we are in Haiti. And that when he is an adult, he can go back to Haiti. And we will still be him Papa and Mama.
Er is struggling with more right now. And has no ability to voice it, or even understand what is driving the behavior. She is particularly missing Molly, and ask daily for her. She has thought our neighbor was Molly, and was devastated when she left after a visit. She is trying to understand what having a Mama looks like. The daycare kids call me by my first name, so Er has decided that she should also. I think she still relates to me more as a caregiver than a Mama. She has began to have 'real' fits, that involve flopping on the ground, kicking and screaming, wailing and gnashing teeth. Sometimes it's an attention getting behavior. Sometimes it's out of frustration. Sometimes it's out of grief. And sometimes we have no idea why.
Ce and P each have their own frustrations and irritations about our new family. They are each dealing with it in their own way. We are thankful for their ability to ask for what they need, as well as manage their feelings in a healthy way. However, this transition has been tough on both of them. I wouldn't recommend doing it this way.
We don't always know if a issue is a result of being adopted, birth family, earthquake, evacuation, or a mix of it all. There is no study done, no literature about what is normal and not normal for a child that is brought home after a natural disaster and evacuation. There is no expect advice to go off of. We are becoming the experts. However, I believe God chose Re and Er for us. And he knew there'd be an earthquake. He knew we'd get them in a less than ideal manner. And yet, he proceeded. So I rest in who God is, trusting that he will equip us, not the experts.
We are probably going to be pursuing some counseling in the next year. In the meanwhile, we are working on language and being a family. And that will take time, day in and day out. So that is how things are going. I'm thinking of making a brochure to hand out when asked. It seems easier.

Devouring...

I'm devouring A Hole in our Gospel...fast and furious. And then going back and rereading it. And then blogging. It's been a long time since I've had a book that has prompted this reaction. The kind that I wake up thinking about. The kind that I think of as I'm grocery shopping. The kind that I really have it out with God over. You know, it goes something like this..."Really God, Really? I don't know what to do with this??" Followed by, "Okay, seriously....this isn't what I thought you meant, this seems a little extreme." And finally, "Okay, you're God, I'm not, so I guess I'll let you decide how it is."

So, what books have you laying awake at night? What books do you reread? What books do you give to friends, and tell them the HAVE to read. What books have changed you?

My list...rather short tonight.
Bible-God-standard Christian answer, I know. But really, just the summer I spent studying Isaiah changed me forever. And Romans, oh my. And James...don't get me started on James.
What's so Amazing about Grace- Philip Yancy. Read it, forget what you think you know about Grace, and see what God meant Grace to be. Hint- it's not just about receiving it. He wants us to give it to others. After receiving an ample supply from him. This was a profound lesson for me. The church I grew up in, Grace from others was in short supply, but Judgement was free at the door.
My Utmost for his Highest- Oswald Chambers. Graduation Gift. First adult devotional. Nothing light and fluffy here. And a classic.
Stones from the River-Urseli Hegi. Not a christian book. However, a beautiful story about redemption in Germany during World War II. Think the Holocaust couldn't happen again, in your country; this book convinced me it is possible and maybe even likely.
The Shack-William P. Young. This is maybe the most controversial pick. Keep in mind it's a fictional story. Written by a father for his children. Not a commentary. Not a theological paper. But a parable to help us understand who God is, and how a relationship with him could be. And I get to meet the author next week. And here him speak. And hear others stories about how God has come to them in their pain and suffering, and provided comfort.
That is the short list...there are more. But if I had to pack for a year on a desert island, these books would make the cut.
What are your books? What would you pack? What do you devour? What has God used to bring you someplace you didn't know existed?

Child Headed Households...Prologue

I look at Ce and see a young woman emerging. I think that in about 10 years she is going to be an amazing woman. A loving wife, and wonderful mother. And how much more she has to learn to get there. And how blessed she is to have time and resources to be successful.
And then I read about a 13 year old boy, who is now the head of his home. Who walks by his parents graves daily. Who is responsible for two siblings. With no adults in their lives to show them how to be adults. And I catch my breathe.
I love Ce, but the thought of her being head of the household is ridiculous. She can barely take care of herself. And I realize this is how God means it to be. Parents providing for children. Showing them how to be an adult. And when that doesn't happen, God's heart is broken.
And then this..."But what sickened my most was the question: where was the Church? Indeed, where were the followers of Jesus Christ in the midst of perhaps the greatest humanitarian crisis of our time?... How have we missed it so tragically, when even rock stars and Hollywood actors seem to understand?"
Sucker punch to the gut. Because the church he is talking about is my church. It's me. It's me, showing up and thinking that how our church is doing it is enough. I've been content with a nice building, well paid staff, dynamic youth group, and a collection taken up after the earthquake in Haiti. Except, somewhere in my heart I knew this wasn't really loving the poor. Which is why when the collection for Haiti happened, I was sad. Because it was a knee jerk reaction. Not a commitment to love the people of Haiti for Jesus. Write a check and feel better about the tragedy. I don't doubt the intentions of those who set up the collection were good, and that those who gave, gave out of love. However, if we were all confronted with a child who was trying to care for their siblings in a poverty stricken nation, would writing a check really be enough?
And here is where it gets personal for me...I know that one day, I'm going to stand before my heavenly Father. And I don't want to be shuffling my feet, hanging my head, saying to myself, "I thought I did enough. I adopted. I gave. I made a difference, within my church for the poor." Because I'm coming to realize, those words are going to be empty and meaningless standing next to a boy who lost both parents, and was looking to other people who love Jesus to BE love to him.

Introduction-Hole in our Gospel

So I thought I do a chapter by chapter blog post. Except there was too much good stuff just in the introduction...so I guess I'll start there.

The introduction does exactly what it is suppose to...introduces us to the purpose of the author in writing this book. It's about understand what God expects of us? As people who love him. And what could happen if we understood and then did it. Easy to say. Hard to do.

'Yet we are the carriers of the gospel-the good news that was meant to change the world. Belief is not enough. Worship is not enough. Personal morality is not enough. And Christian community is not enough. God has always demanded more. When we committed ourselves to following Christ, we also committed to living out lives in such a way that a watching world would catch a glimpse of God's character-His love, justice, and mercy-through our words, actions, and behavior.' - Direct Quote

See, I had all that list checked off. Belief- check. I believe. Jesus, the cross, redemption. Worship-every weekend, twice even. While I work out, do dishes, and as I wake up. Extra big check. Gold Star even. Personal morality- Am truthful. Don't steal. Don't cheat. Check. Christian community- Church, small group, friends, CHECK...in fact it's 90% christian in my world.
And then I stumble. God wants more. He wants me to live out his character. That others would see him. How is that possible?? I think I'm honest about my faith. I don't hide it. You don't know me long, before you know I go to church, worship, and have a large Christian circle I run in. But living a life that people catch a glimpse of God? Not religion or church...but God himself?? Well....don't know about that.
However, I want more. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want to care about what God cares about. I want to do more than just have a private relationship with God. I want to have a public relationship with God. Not just that others would know I go to church. But that my relationship with God would effect them. That they would see mercy, grace and justice that God is and be changed by it.

The author closes the introduction with this thought..."What if two billion people embraced this vision of God transforming our world-through them? Imagine it. Indeed, what if even two thousand people took their faith to the next level - what might God do? Two thousand years ago, the world was changed forever by just twelve. I can happen again."
So I'm chewing on this...What IF God really wants to use ME, my family, to change the world? I'm talking to God about it, and praying for an open heart. What if everything I have that I think is enough for him, really isn't? What if the worship, tithe, church attendance, and christian community isn't as important as I've made it be? What if there is another piece I've looked away from?

My prayer...show me. Show me what breaks your heart. And let it break mine.

A Hole in OUR Gospel

Reading this book...A Hole in our Gospel by Richard Sterns. CEO of World Vision.

I read alot. Even with four kids. I get two books a week from the library, and finish them by the next week. I read Philip Yancy, Donald Miller, and Rob Bell regularly. I LOVE really GOOD christian writing. The kind of writing that makes God more than you thought. Writing that gives insight into God's word. Writing that challanges me to see God and his people as more than I do.

This book, has blown my socks off in the first chapter. I walk around thinking about it. It's not Richards story, although it's a powerful story of obedience. It's God's word being exposed for more than I've ever given it credit for. That the words in the old and new testament aren't just a theory, but a call to ACTION.

So I'm going to blog it chapter by chapter. This is really only for my benefit. This whole blog is really about me. About having a place to process my life. And if it brings others anything, that is a bonus. Thus the candid honesty, that I'm sure at times is too brutal. So I'll be blogging my time reading this book. Something tells me it's going to be life changing.

Get yourself a copy. I'd love to hear others thoughts and prayers as they read about God's heart of his people.

Three Months

I have a hard time believing it's been over three months. There is a surreal quality to these last three months. I think much of what happened from Jan. 12 - Jan 22 is just now starting to be processed by my heart and head. And it still stuns me at times. The magnitude of what happened in Haiti. The swiftness of the kids coming here. How much has truly changed for forever. How tired we are. How expensive four kids is going to be. It has changed everything. EVERYTHING. And if I feel this way, how must Re and Er being feeling it.
Pray for us...while we know others struggle through this same process, at times it feels like we are very alone. We feel under attack on a daily basis. While there is much joy, there is alot of stress and pressure. We aren't doing enough. We can't. That is a hard. To not meet everyone's needs everytime. To not be able to write checks to pay everything that needs paid. There is no balance. We aren't sure it's possible. We are trusting that God will provide and his GRACE is sufficent. That where we fail and are weak, his love and grace shows up. But it is hard to surrender to that. We would like to believe that in a year we will look back, and see how far we have come. But in reality, it might just be the same. Deciding which bill to pay and which one to not. The pressure and stress to do it may still feel overwhelming most days. However, the hope is that even if that is true, God's Grace is enough. For me. For R. For our marriage. For each of our kids.