Waiting...I can't put my arms down

We received our Nov. update last Friday. R and Er look happy, and you can see the bond between them. We are so thankful to be able to keep them together. I can't imagine separating C & P. Or being separated from my brother and sister. Although growing up there were times when we would have done anything to be separated from each other, even if it meant a new family. Our family of 5 shared one bathroom, and I remember more than one fight over the use of hairbrushes. Yet, now - I do whatever it takes to have a meaningful relationship with each of them.

Anyway- back to waiting. So we knew we'd have to wait. We waited almost 10 years to start the process. We waited through the dossier process. But none of that compares to waiting once you have children that belong to you, and yet live a country away.

This is what the waiting feels like. Layers of clothing... yep -layers of clothing. The decision to start, the wait felt like a tank top on a summer day. Comfortable, appropriate, needed. Sending the dossier- putting on a t-shirt over the tank top. Still comfortable. Felt right to wait. Getting the referral -putting on another t-shirt. Only a little uncomfortable. Sometimes pulls the wrong way. But okay overall. Each monthly update adds another layer. Another t-shirt. Each layer makes it a little more uncomfortable. You adjust to the added layer, and move on with your life. But here is the fear- what happens if they aren't home in 18 months? Will I be like the kid in A Christmas Story? All bundled up for the cold, and unable to move. Unable to make a snowball? Will the wait suffocate me?

Yet, I know there is more. Jesus promised to take the burden of those who are weary. He promises rest. It's exhausting to try and live with layers of clothes adding weight and making it cumbersome to move. But it's really my choice... do I put on the layers? Do I give them to him and live the wait full of joy and anticipation? It's not easy - sometimes it's moment by moment. The moment where it's hard to breathe, when your mind wonders down the path of "how long could this take?", the moment where you wonder if pictures will be all you have, it's that moment that a choice is made. Do I put this on, wrap myself up in it? Or do I lay it down and ask Jesus to carry it?

I'm new to the wait - we've only just began. However, I can feel the burden building up. I can enjoy the pictures, and yet feel a loss that is unexplainable.

We are waiting on the mother's death certificate to be received so we are able to enter into IBESR. It seems that this should have been received by now. Of course, she should have lived and they should have never had to surrendered. In a perfect world, the death certificate wouldn't exist. So waiting on something that never should have been. Adoption is a mixed bag of feelings, and I don't think it ever really makes sense. Must be a God thing.

Well- kinda random post. Still have a bunch of kids running around, and making pies and cake balls for the upcoming holiday. So my mind is even more random than normal. But this has been rattling around in my brain and needed to be purged somewhere. So here it is.