If a mom's hug had a smell, it would be the smell of baking bread.

I made my Nana's bread today. Because having 9 kids wasn't enough to do? No, because I needed some comfort. I was feeling the stress of being a mom to so many, and I no longer have a 'mom ' in my life to support me during those time - I did the next best thing. I made my house smell like fresh bread.

We lived with my Nana for six months. In a old farmhouse, four miles from a town with under 200 people in it. The nearest grocery store was 45 miles away. So we made our own bread. Every 3-4 days, out came the bread bowl and the house smelled heavenly.

I learned to make bread watching her and my mom make bread. It's not something one makes from a recipe. You learn how hot the water should be to proof the yeast. You learn how much flour to add. How long to knead, how to tell if it's raisen enough, how to make a loaf. It's handed down, mother to child, Grandmother to grandchild. I had CN help, and she is starting to figure it out. It was exciting to see her willingness to help me.

Making bread connects me to my mom and Nana. It reminds me of thier love and support, and that they would be here if they could. It transports me back to a time in my life when I knew no different than to be surrounded by thier wisdom.

I needed to knead my frustrations out, to smell yeast proofing, to feed my kids something I had made, to eat 'real' bread for dinner. If you've never made 'real' bread - your missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures. It's right up there with sitting in a hotsprings while it snows, sex on a Tuesday morning, really good chocolate, perfect strawberries, and the David Crowder Band.

So tomorrow, when there is no school because it's cold and wet- I'm going to make Chicken Noodle Soup. Which I'm sure I had homemade soup as a kid- but have no emotional attachment to it at all. I just told my mother in law I'd bring it for lunch on Saturday. But my kids love it. They will probably have an emotional attachment to it. I sure make it more than bread. And it's almost as good.

We recieved our update for R and ER... I'll post more tomorrow. Here are pictures though.

Waiting...I can't put my arms down

We received our Nov. update last Friday. R and Er look happy, and you can see the bond between them. We are so thankful to be able to keep them together. I can't imagine separating C & P. Or being separated from my brother and sister. Although growing up there were times when we would have done anything to be separated from each other, even if it meant a new family. Our family of 5 shared one bathroom, and I remember more than one fight over the use of hairbrushes. Yet, now - I do whatever it takes to have a meaningful relationship with each of them.

Anyway- back to waiting. So we knew we'd have to wait. We waited almost 10 years to start the process. We waited through the dossier process. But none of that compares to waiting once you have children that belong to you, and yet live a country away.

This is what the waiting feels like. Layers of clothing... yep -layers of clothing. The decision to start, the wait felt like a tank top on a summer day. Comfortable, appropriate, needed. Sending the dossier- putting on a t-shirt over the tank top. Still comfortable. Felt right to wait. Getting the referral -putting on another t-shirt. Only a little uncomfortable. Sometimes pulls the wrong way. But okay overall. Each monthly update adds another layer. Another t-shirt. Each layer makes it a little more uncomfortable. You adjust to the added layer, and move on with your life. But here is the fear- what happens if they aren't home in 18 months? Will I be like the kid in A Christmas Story? All bundled up for the cold, and unable to move. Unable to make a snowball? Will the wait suffocate me?

Yet, I know there is more. Jesus promised to take the burden of those who are weary. He promises rest. It's exhausting to try and live with layers of clothes adding weight and making it cumbersome to move. But it's really my choice... do I put on the layers? Do I give them to him and live the wait full of joy and anticipation? It's not easy - sometimes it's moment by moment. The moment where it's hard to breathe, when your mind wonders down the path of "how long could this take?", the moment where you wonder if pictures will be all you have, it's that moment that a choice is made. Do I put this on, wrap myself up in it? Or do I lay it down and ask Jesus to carry it?

I'm new to the wait - we've only just began. However, I can feel the burden building up. I can enjoy the pictures, and yet feel a loss that is unexplainable.

We are waiting on the mother's death certificate to be received so we are able to enter into IBESR. It seems that this should have been received by now. Of course, she should have lived and they should have never had to surrendered. In a perfect world, the death certificate wouldn't exist. So waiting on something that never should have been. Adoption is a mixed bag of feelings, and I don't think it ever really makes sense. Must be a God thing.

Well- kinda random post. Still have a bunch of kids running around, and making pies and cake balls for the upcoming holiday. So my mind is even more random than normal. But this has been rattling around in my brain and needed to be purged somewhere. So here it is.

Eye Nick... yesterday's adventure

So yesterday was a no school day. Something about grading day for elementary kids. So 8 kids here, and a little bit of a zoo going on. We made door hangers, we built a fort, we sat in timeout. In the afternoon, P decided to go visit a neighbor. She came home at 4:20pm saying she got a scratch on her eye. Sure enough there was a small red spot on her left eye.

Now, when she came in and told me she didn't say it hurt. She wasn't crying or upset. However, as soon as I mentioned I'd call the doctor- suddenly it hurt horribly and she was in tears. Sure enough, the triage nurse thought she should be seen if it was hurting.

Now it's 4:30pm, and an hour till my daycare kids are picked up. R can't be home any sooner to take her, and she is saying it hurts alot. Let the adventure begin....

She is crying and I've called R and told him I'm headed out to Urgent Care. I call my lovely neighbor/sub who has already spent the afternoon entertaining my oldest daughter and older daycare kid. They have a Wii and I can't compete with that. She thankfully is able to come and stay the last hour with the daycare so I can head out. As I'm getting ready, and a person we know from church calls and say that the State has removed their children from their home and can we take them as foster parents. All of this is about 5 minutes time. Add to that a parent picking up a child, and the normal 'she hit me' stuff that is always going on. It was CRAZY... and we still had to actually go to Urgent Care.

So P and I hop in the car and off we go to Woodburn to Urgent Care. Because Salem's Urgent Care always has at least an hour wait time. This Urgent Care is new, and so not as busy. Here's the best part- we were in, seen, and out of their in under 30 minutes time. 30 minutes in Urgent Care... I want to tell other people, and yet I want to keep the secret to myself. 30 minutes in Urgent Care!!

They put drops in her eyes that glow under black lights showing an injury. On the ride home, we have this conversation.

P "I'm going to go to the bathroom, turn out the lights and watch my eyes glow"

"That won't work, P. It's a black light, and that is what makes it glow"

P "Mom all dark is black, that's what happens when you turn out the lights. It's black."

"No, P. Black light is different, there are special bulbs you have to get."

P "Good thing we are going to Target, I bet we can get one there."

At this point I realize that I'm never going to win this one. It won't matter if the drops have worn off, or that is it really small and hard to see without a magnifying glass. Or that I'm not spending any more money that day. My battle plan is to hope she forgets by time we get to Target. Sure enough, she was distracted by shopping for Christmas dresses.

So the rest of the evening was spent getting a prescription filled, going to Taco Del Mar, and picking up an activity for another day of no school. It always amazing to me that the day can be rolling along, going just as planned, and in three seconds your headed in a completely different direction. Forget the quiet evening at home, now were headed to Urgent Care.

We are also waiting to hear if the Haiti government will be asking us to get a presidential pardon to adopt R and Er. While this is yet another time consuming step, we are holding off feeling anxiety about it until we know what is happening for sure. There are many bumps and detours in the path of adoption. Too many to panic every time one shows up. So no panic, but prayers that the Haiti government puts the welfare of the children first. Whatever that looks like.

Haiti...Why Haiti?

Well, that my friends is a loaded question. That simple answer...God sent us there. The rest of the story...

Haiti was brought to our attention before we were married. I knew of a family in Eastern Oregon that adopted a sibling group from Haiti, back when we were dating. It was big news, not only were they adopting, but from another country and their kids were black. BIG news, made the front page of the papers. We were drawn to this family, and even emailed them a few times with questions. And life happened, and we knew it wasn't the right time and we moved on.

Over the years, we always talked about adopting -and it was almost always about Haiti. During that time, we saw orphanages close down, the government deteriorate, and wondered if Haiti was even going to be an option when it came time. We decided if Haiti was closed when it was time, we'd look at other possibilities.

Last year, we were debt-free and praying about how and when to move forward. Our 'splurge' for becoming debt-free was to finally give up the rabbit ears and get cable. I know -we went crazy! The first week, I noticed a show called Adoption Stories. So I set the new fancy DVR to record it at 3:00 am. I sat down the first day to watch it, and it was about a family adopting from Haiti. An orphanage we had been looking at, and knew others that were adopting through. I thought that was interesting, entertaining, and I enjoyed it. I told R about it, and he just smiled and nodded.

I went on praying, and hoping for an answer soon. The waiting was making me nervous, was God going to say no after all of this time. Yet, no real direction or decision was right. The next week, there was another episode. I sat and cried the entire 30 minutes, even as I fast-forwarded through the commercials. It was the same orphanage, in Haiti. And I knew. As much as I knew I'd marry R as we drove that day to LaGrande. As much as I knew CN was a girl before our ultrasound, as much as I knew P would be our challenge from the first somersault in the womb. I just knew. I printed out the application that afternoon, and told R I knew. And I'd wait for him to know, as long as it took. I tucked the application away, and continued to pray for his heart to know.

Then 2 weeks later, on a weekend it happened. And it was undeniable. We had been at R's parents house, and he'd been out back kicking the ball around with his brother and nephew. On the car ride home he mentioned that would like a son to do those things with. He shared he was praying about it, and thinking hard. It was my turn to smile and nod. I knew the door was starting to open, and I needed to be patient and not push. As much as I truly wanted too...

We went home, and invited a friend over to watch the Adoption Stories I had on the DVR. There was a new one, and so we started with it. It also was the story of a family adopting from GLA in Haiti. We sat and watched, and as the father started to kick the soccer ball with his new son - I started to cry. I looked at R and it was obvious he noticed it to. Sometimes, God makes it obvious - and we felt it was obvious. We went to bed that night, and talked openly about it. We both knew it was to be Haiti, to be GLA, and a son. We knew R would kick the ball around, we knew we'd one day stand in that courtyard and meet our children for the first time. We knew this was in God's will for our lives, and felt secure in moving forward.

The next week I sent our application into GLA, and we were accepted. Even as we have watched other family wait for long periods for the process to move, and knowing there are other countries it is 'easier' to adopt from, we know Haiti is where God wants us. Even if it's harder, even if it means a longer wait, even if it doesn't make sense. And as soon as we looked at R and Er's eyes, we knew why. Haiti is where they are at. GLA is the orphanage they'd be taken to. God has been guiding us there, knowing our children would be there. He was getting us ready for them. As their paths were leading to us. And that is why Haiti...

And folks, that is the rest of the story... (I grew up listening to Paul Harvey)

Adoption Adventure

We are adopting two children from Haiti. It has been a long process, 10+ years total. God sometimes ask you to do something, and then ask you to wait. It was hard to wait. But God was working in us, to prepare us. He was working to prepare our children. So we prayed, for wisdom for us, safety and health for our children. God had to teach us, about financial responsibility, about trust and dependence, about his place in our family. He was caring for our adoptive children and their birth family. While we question at times, would the answer ever be "yes, it's time. Go!" we kept trusting God's perfect timing.



And now we could see God's perfect timing. We understood all the times he said wait. I don't think we are given many times in our life to see God's perfect plan. Many times we have to wait till heaven to see his perspective. And yet, in this we have been glimpsed God's perfect plan for us. I believe that adoption is always a God thing. To bring a parent and child together is a miracle, regardless of the mechanism. God is always involved in creating a family, and adoption requires overtime on his part. We can trust that he is faithful to complete the work in which he starts.



Re and Er are those very children we prayed for, that God prepared. God's good work, and we are trusting him for completion. While we wait, we are reminded that ten years has flown by. The next year will also fly by, and they will come home in God's timing. When we are ready, and they are ready.