Morning...

Ahhh...mornings and I have never been compatable. Thus the reliance on coffee.

However, this morning has to have been one of the more comical. Like you laughing at me, and one day years down the road, I laugh with you.

So Er crawled into bed with us about 6:30am. Her mouth hurting from thrush. So up I get, in the shower to wake up. Er stayed in the bathroom, and in 10 minutes managed to spray hairspray over her hands, pull out an entire box of tampons and spread them all over the floor, lining them up, and get naked. IN TEN MINUTES!!

So cleanup that mess, brush teeth, and get dressed. Advise Re that in five minutes, we'd turn off tv and get ready for our day. Unload dryer, and come back and turn off tv. Wailing and nashing of teeth follows. Pick Er up to get dressed, go to bedroom. Hear TV come on. Walk back to living room, turn off TV to protest from Re. Remind him it's time to get ready for school. He shakes his head, I ignore the protest and go get Er dressed.

While in there room, smell pee. Trying to figure out which bed is wet. Neither is....hmmm...mystery to be solved later in the day when brain is working at a higher level. Go back to living room, where Re is hiding in blanket. Go start breakfast, as food usually motivates him. Well, as soon as english muffins were served, he was ready to eat. Except he was dressed in his pj's and we eat breakfast in our clothes. So instead of getting dressed, he stood by the food and tried to figure a way to get to it. So off we go, hand in hand to get dressed. I choose his clothes, and start to take pj's off. He lets me, but I can tell he is unhappy about this. I just keep telling him I'm happy to help him, and since he needs clothes to eat breakfast, I'll help him get dressed so he can eat. In the process, I accidentally scratch his face, and he falls completely apart. The same kid who can take a major spill on his rollerblades and get up laughing. So hugs and kisses later, we are finally dressed.

Breakfast is served. Re ate what was in front of him, asked for more and was given another english muffin. I told him to eat the strawberries and drink his milk while he waiting. He pushed the strawberries away, and grunted. Okay, so you don't want them. Anyone want them? Okay, here you go. Now Re wants them. Bummer, that is the last of them. Nope, can't take your sisters, as she is already have quite a morning. Every bite makes her cry. Bite, cry, give her a drink of water, bite, cry, drink, bite, cry, drink....

With breakfast over, it's time to get ready for school. Re backpack is full of water from a leaking water bottle. Books and homework ruined. Find spelling words he didn't have for this week. He needs snack. Animal crackers gone. Er is still eating. Bite, cry, drink, bite, cry, drink in the background. Re wants to try every cracker we have to decide which one. But it's time to be walking out the door, not having a food sampling. So mom packs snack, and Re gets an apple, and I remind him he still needs shoes. He shakes his head no. At this point, I no longer really care if he wears shoes, as long as he takes them. So I hand them to him, and tell him that he will have them when his socks get wet. This seems to register and he decides that isn't a good plan. So he gets them halfway on, and whines for help, so after another small battle shoes are successfully on and tied.

Er is still eating a bite, crying and drinking. When she suddenly jumps up and runs for the bathroom. She makes is by a hair. So the continuous drinking for an hour is going to create many potty breaks. I usher kids out to school, hugs and kisses, sweatshirts adjusted, and sigh a huge sigh of relief. Now to clean the breakfast up, switch laundry, have coffee, figure out where the pee is at, and then off to the library for storytime, then to the doctors office. No wonder I crashed last night, I must have known what was coming.

Attachment vs Connection

Here is a little bit of something I've been chewing on, and now it's time to regurgitate it out.



I'm reading an excellent book about adoption. Best I've read yet, and I've read quite a few. But most are theory. And your staring at your child wondering how in the world to apply the theory to them in that moment. So 'Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child' is really good. It's practical. It's written for parents. But not dumbed down for parents. It's written for smart parents. Anyone, if you've adopted out of the USA, it's a must read. Although an adoptive parent could benefit from it.



However, it's given me ALOT to chew on. A new way of looking at this whole parenting Re and Er. A different approach then I would have known to take.



The main point I've gotten out of it is CONNECTION. Attachment always seemed like this mythical moment that would happen, and then we'd be a family. And we'd forever feel like we belong together. And nothing could separate us. And all would be right in our little part of the world. But here is the problem with that - I don't think that is how relationships work. Sometimes your really attached to your spouse, and sometimes you can't stand to be in the same space for more than two minutes. Sometimes your children drive you nuts, and you wonder which grandparent would be willing to take them for a few hours or days. Can a 12 year old ride a greyhound bus by herself? (that is another post) Sometimes friendships are tight, and sometimes they fall apart. Sometimes families become divided. Relationships aren't static. They change. Attachments change and are hard to pin down when they do happen.



But CONNECTION - you can see and feel it happening. You can create it. You can foster it. It's like a fiber-optic cable between you and the other person. Once the cable is complete and all systems go - attachment has happened. But it takes hundreds of wires to make the cable capable. Once you've had a moment of connection, it's a tiny little wire running between you both. Enough of those moments create a family, over time.



And those moments HAVE to be on the child's level. Because what really matters if their family age, their adjusted age considering the circumstances prior to adoption and how long they have been with you, their parents. So Re is 8. But really, we are parents many moments on an 2 month old level. Or a two year old level. Instead of being frustrated that he won't go to bed like an 8 year old, we understand that a 2 month old needs soothed to bed, comforted when unsure, and that those moments are precious, as they are connecting moments. We can see that holding Er alot would be annoying, if we didn't keep in mind how much you hold a two month old. You don't expect them to go play without mom, or to not want picked up when fussy. So it gives us an appropriate perspective to view them and these first years with them.



And attachment may happen in a way that we know it's happened. Or maybe the connection just continues to grow, and the trust and communication improves. And we look back ten years from now, and say attachment happened somewhere along the line. But regardless of how attached we are, we can choose connection. We can choose to play on the floor with blocks, to play a game to work on eye contact, to rock them to sleep, to feed them, to rub backs and hold hands, and a million other little things that create moments of connection. And we do that because we love them. And love has very little to do with how we feel, but the commitment we made to them as their parents.



And the great thing about 'Parenting your Internally Adopted Child' is that it give practical, tangible things to do to create connection. And gives you a child's perspective, so that you can start to figure the behavior and what need really needs met. So there is my little infomercial. And my chewed up thoughts on attachment vs connection. Stay tuned for my thoughts on adjustment....almost as exciting. For those of you who aren't adoptive parents, I promise to post on other more interesting topics soon.



Mainly the topic of an 8 year old boys bathroom habits is coming....

Beauty in the Chaos

For years I have worked to create a sense of order and balance in my life and soul. To create routines. To have life run smoothly. Appointments made on time. Bills paid on time. Money in the bank. Clean dishes and underwear. Time to have a friend over for coffee.



And that has all gone flying out the window. Overdrew the checking account. House a mess. Getting a shower feels like a major victory most days. Clean underwear a product of chance. Garbage bill in my purse waiting to be mailed. Officially late now. Sticky floor that has been that way for two days. And working out - hahahahaha...only if the stars and moon align.



I know that this too shall pass. I'm working on new routines. I'll figure out a new system for house work and errands. And in the meanwhile, I'm working on seeing the beauty in the midst of all of it.



That the sticky floor is due to Er eating icecream. That we have money to cover the overdraft. That everyone misses a bill here and there. That the dentist understands if we are running a few minutes behind. That other cultures wear their clothes many times before they wash them. That all this chaos is a direct result of God answering our prayers. That he is still present in the midst of it all. That he is using this to soften my heart about expectations I have on myself. Unrealistic expectations. I'm not super mom. I don't have it all figured out. I won't for awhile. And that is okay. In fact, it's exactly where I should be today. And tomorrow. And maybe even a few months from now.

Now - the agenda for today. Make homemade chocolate icecream. And laundry and phone calls. But icecream should be the number one priority. Because it makes chaos a while lot sweeter.

Beach trip

We went to the beach today. And got a lucky break. It was sunny. In Oregon. The Oregon Coast was sunny. It was windy, but rather a breeze than a full force gale. Re was soo excited, as soon as he saw the water he yelled, "BEACH!!". He took off his shoes, and left his socks on and went right into the waves. Then he jumped back and yelled, "Cold!!" We really tried to explain that it would be cold. However, some lessons must be learned on their own. However it did not stop him from continuing to run to the waves, and run back when they came in. Er was doing a good job keeping up, for about three waves. The fourth wave came faster than her little legs could go, and down she went. The look of shock on her face. Like the ocean had just reached up and slapped her for no reason. I scooped her up and she started to yell, "RUN!".
So back to the car we trekked, changed clothes, and attempted to get sand off of her. Then back to the beach, and right back into the waves.
The first wave was coming faster than her legs could go, so I scooped her up and started to run with her. She looked over my shoulder at the ocean, and yelled "SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN" at the water. We just got out of the way to see Re take a spill into the waves. Drenched from head to toe. And laughing about it. Until the wind picked up. Then he was done.
Then it was off to pizza, which is currently the favorite food. Well, any food they like they call pizza. But actual pizza is a favorite. "Pepperoni- the red kind, please mama." when asked what kind.

Other great moments-
I took the kids to the local farm with small animals. Re started to explain that his Haitian Papa had a goat. And a horse. And chickens. And grew carrots. This is a huge step in the process. For him to know it is safe to talk about his memories, and to start to process that loss - after only two months- seems like a God thing to me.
We are starting to have success with looking us in the eye, and maintaining eye contact. Although we have work to do, it is starting to happen. It takes an effort on our part to initiate, but we believe it's well worth it.
Re has decided that doing dishes is the bomb. Every evening he jumps up and insist on helping put away the clean dishes. We know this too shall pass, but are enjoying the enthusiasm.
Er has taken to smelling everything. Really, everything. From her poopy diapers- YUCK, to every food I put in front of her, other kids hands and hair, shampoo bottles, books, clothes, and my leg. It's been quite entertaining. Apparently the carpet at church is especially enticing.
Er has also made the decision that she is quite content in diapers, and every attempt to potty trained is met with poopy panties. I'm going to continue to 'baby' her in the department, assuming she must still need to be 'babied'. However, the clock is ticking on how long this will be okay. Because preschool starts in the fall.

Okay, time for dinner. And that is seriously a big deal around here. Leftover Pizza - doesn't get much better than that.

hehehe...

Okay, so things are starting to look up after 3 days of having the flu. It's amazing how the flu puts life in perspective. Here is what I know for sure after 3 days of being worthless around here.

-R is amazing and did more than I could have asked for. Including staying home from work to take care of us.

-I'm not a pleasant person when I'm sick. I'm probably going to that **tching old woman in the nursing home.

-I've trained my kids well to be independent in the morning. To get dressed and ready for the day without a lot of help, and it really pays off when I'm not able to get off the couch and they still have school.

-One person can only consume soo much saltines and 7UP without feeling like your insides have been introduced to cement.

-You really shouldn't wait until two days before you tax appointment to finish you tax prep. Because you might get the flu and have to compute mileage while every part of your body hurts. Making a miserable task even worse.

-We are blessed with health. Every day that our bodies work even close to the way they were created to is a gift.

Clarification ...

Okay, so the last post needs clarification. For those who prayed for us - Thank you! Those who supported us - Thank YOU!!
The post specifically addressed for me two situations I had faced in the last few weeks.

One came about at school. As any public school situation there is a 'popular' group of parents. The one's who volunteer for everything, have lunch together on half days, and know all there is to know. I've never been that parent. Working during the day made that impossible, and I don't fit those roles well anyways. That isn't to say that I'm not friendly. A year or so ago, I went to McDonalds on a half day. And this group was there. And this group wasn't exactly welcoming to my motley crew. They barely looked up when I said hello, as I felt I should since I do know them. Imagine my surprise when two of these mom's started to initiate conversation with me, and started to ask about having playdates. I kept explaining that we weren't able to do that yet, but would probably next fall. And when one of the mom's said, "I'd really like my son and Re to be friends, it would be good for him to have a black friend." it was all I could do to not drop my chin to the ground. When I 'nicely' explained that Re would be allowed to make his own friends, and he wasn't going to be set up on playdates, she immediately turned and started a conversation with another parent.

The other situation happened at Target. One of many trips. A woman I have known for years came up to say hi. This is someone I've been friendly with, and that is about it, but have known for literally years. It just was never a click of friendship there. (I don't click with many woman so no surprise there). Now I share this, but tell you I truly don't believe her intention was bad. However, the first thing she talked about was seeing us on the news and in the paper. And how she showed everyone she knew. And how glad she is everything turned out okay for us. And how cool it was it was in the paper. And on TV. And did she mention she told everyone about it. And maybe we could get together. Maybe for dinner at her house. And when I said we weren't venturing out yet to friends houses, she assured me it be fine. And maybe friday would work. Her neighbors were already coming over, and they'd be so excited to meet the kids. And I politely declined. Well, maybe a coffee date. About 10am at Starbucks. Yeah, no that won't work either. Well, she usually meets her friends at Starbucks so no one feels like they have to clean their house, and it's no pressure, but she guessed she could come over to our home. Yeah, no. And with that I excused myself and made a bee line for the door.

There have been a few other smaller incidents. But those two continue to annoy me. Now, I have had offers to get together from dear friends with the best of intentions. I look forward to the day my life comes to a point I can follow up on them. The people I meet that tell me they were praying for us and amazed at what God has done, I'm reminded of how great our God is.

While we asked for the media attention, and without it, I believe our kids would be still in Haiti, it is a double edged sword. My vent was about the other edge of that sword. The side that says your important because you got air time. And about peoples misguided understanding of race relations and adoption. Not that I get a A in that class. But I do know that you should or should not be friends with someone based simply on the color of their skin.

Again, to be taken with a grain of salt. This process, and people's reaction to it are not perfect. And I don't expect it to be. However, good sense seems like a reasonable expectation. So again, my friends, I love you, I treasure you, and one day I'll have time to have coffee and playdates again. And when I do, I will call you peeps first. I have a list I'm trying to work my way through. One playdate a week. And those families who we naturally connect with, we will enjoy dinner with. But it's won't be because we feel pressured to be every one's friend, when just keeping clean dishes and laundry done is a monumental task.

Cool Kids...

Okay - so please take this with a pinch of salt. Or sleepiness. Or cynicism. Or something. It is meant to just be a way for me to process. NOT a personal attack on any of my friends.

So with that said...here goes. It seems that adopting two black children from a third world country is the ticket into the popular crowd. It's been really odd to me the amount of people who now want to be our friends. Who now want our kids to be friends. Who suddenly realized we are a 'cool' family. Except that we aren't. We are a tired family. We are a stretched to our limit family. We are a family that stays home simply because it's a heck of a lot easier than leaving.

So, if we decline your dinner invitation, or playdate offer - please understand. We don't have time or energy to be your friend right now. We are barely hanging on to our friends from before. Especially those who get where we are at. We don't want to pack our family up and come to your house, it's too much work for what might be a dud of visit. And since we don't know you, we don't know if it's worth it. So we are likely to just say no. I'm sure your a nice family though.

And I know we seem really amazing...after all we did this amazing thing (insert sarcasm) and you would love to get to know us. But we actually were amazing before. The fact that we endured 15 months separated from these amazing kids - that it actually alot more amazing to me than that we parent them. And quite frankly- we were a amazing family then. But you weren't interested then. So again, don't take it personal if I'm not in a hurry to take you up on your offer of friendship now. And please don't use the word amazing to describe our family. Grace is amazing. A person being found alive after 28 days is amazing. Were just a family God revealed himself through.

I also find it weird, appalling, frustrating and sad that you find it necessary to 'make' your children be friends with mine, because it would be really neat for your kids to have friends that are black, adopted, Haitian, or whatever difference you are most interested in exposing your kids too. I am much more interested in my children finding friends they enjoy being with, without being a learning opportunity.

So here is the bottom line - if we were friends before. As in, spent intentional time together - I'd love to connect. If you've adopted, and/or have some life experience we share, I'd love to get to know you. If you think our family is cool, neat, amazing, and would like to share a part of it I'd like to invite you over and have you enjoy an afternoon of cleaning of perpetually peed on toilet, calling insurance, and for a finale we can call USCIS and ask about citizenship. Interested still - well then you are just crazy enough to be my friend after all.