Attachment vs Connection

Here is a little bit of something I've been chewing on, and now it's time to regurgitate it out.



I'm reading an excellent book about adoption. Best I've read yet, and I've read quite a few. But most are theory. And your staring at your child wondering how in the world to apply the theory to them in that moment. So 'Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child' is really good. It's practical. It's written for parents. But not dumbed down for parents. It's written for smart parents. Anyone, if you've adopted out of the USA, it's a must read. Although an adoptive parent could benefit from it.



However, it's given me ALOT to chew on. A new way of looking at this whole parenting Re and Er. A different approach then I would have known to take.



The main point I've gotten out of it is CONNECTION. Attachment always seemed like this mythical moment that would happen, and then we'd be a family. And we'd forever feel like we belong together. And nothing could separate us. And all would be right in our little part of the world. But here is the problem with that - I don't think that is how relationships work. Sometimes your really attached to your spouse, and sometimes you can't stand to be in the same space for more than two minutes. Sometimes your children drive you nuts, and you wonder which grandparent would be willing to take them for a few hours or days. Can a 12 year old ride a greyhound bus by herself? (that is another post) Sometimes friendships are tight, and sometimes they fall apart. Sometimes families become divided. Relationships aren't static. They change. Attachments change and are hard to pin down when they do happen.



But CONNECTION - you can see and feel it happening. You can create it. You can foster it. It's like a fiber-optic cable between you and the other person. Once the cable is complete and all systems go - attachment has happened. But it takes hundreds of wires to make the cable capable. Once you've had a moment of connection, it's a tiny little wire running between you both. Enough of those moments create a family, over time.



And those moments HAVE to be on the child's level. Because what really matters if their family age, their adjusted age considering the circumstances prior to adoption and how long they have been with you, their parents. So Re is 8. But really, we are parents many moments on an 2 month old level. Or a two year old level. Instead of being frustrated that he won't go to bed like an 8 year old, we understand that a 2 month old needs soothed to bed, comforted when unsure, and that those moments are precious, as they are connecting moments. We can see that holding Er alot would be annoying, if we didn't keep in mind how much you hold a two month old. You don't expect them to go play without mom, or to not want picked up when fussy. So it gives us an appropriate perspective to view them and these first years with them.



And attachment may happen in a way that we know it's happened. Or maybe the connection just continues to grow, and the trust and communication improves. And we look back ten years from now, and say attachment happened somewhere along the line. But regardless of how attached we are, we can choose connection. We can choose to play on the floor with blocks, to play a game to work on eye contact, to rock them to sleep, to feed them, to rub backs and hold hands, and a million other little things that create moments of connection. And we do that because we love them. And love has very little to do with how we feel, but the commitment we made to them as their parents.



And the great thing about 'Parenting your Internally Adopted Child' is that it give practical, tangible things to do to create connection. And gives you a child's perspective, so that you can start to figure the behavior and what need really needs met. So there is my little infomercial. And my chewed up thoughts on attachment vs connection. Stay tuned for my thoughts on adjustment....almost as exciting. For those of you who aren't adoptive parents, I promise to post on other more interesting topics soon.



Mainly the topic of an 8 year old boys bathroom habits is coming....