November Update - Dang it - they are just tooo cute!

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is the best word I know to describe how I currently feel. There is a double edge to everything. Where there is joy, there is sorrow. Where there is happiness, there is sadness. I knew it was coming. However, I don't know how you prepare for it.
The holidays are bittersweet. I'm glad to see family, but I hate explaining why our kids aren't here. I'm thankful for so much, but my family is incomplete. I love spending time with my kids, I hate being away for my kids.
Watching friends adoptions come to completion. So excited for them. Overjoyed for them. Nothing but LOVE that they are holding their children. Soo sad that it's been so long since we've held ours. Soo sad that there isn't a clear end in sight. It doesn't take away the joy we feel for them. It's just bittersweet. It brings us hope that adoptions DO create families. The process does end. It will be our turn one day. Just wish it was NOW.
Living in tension. That is where God can be met. The tension makes us grow. Causes us to expand beyond our own limitations. I want to wallow in the sorrow. I want to throw a party in the sadness. But the JOY pulls me out. It requires more of me. God requires more of me. It's not just about me.

Thankful

I'm thankful for:
-A God that is loving, gracious, and above all else finds me worthy.
-A husband who mirrors what love can look like to me.
-A daughter who is beautiful in spirit and heart.
-A daughter that is spunky and fun.
-A son whose smile can light up a room.
-A daughter whose laugh will bring you to your knees.
-A home that has a floor, a roof, heat, running water and electricity.
-A country that allows for freedoms that many people find unimaginable.
-A bunch of friends who love me for me- wine drinking, clove smoking, occasionally cussing, and been known to be a bit loud ME.
-A body that allows me to enjoy all of this. That my health problems allow me to see the blessing good health is, and don't create bitterness and frustration.
-A God-family that see's past the box that church can be, and is truly a family of imperfect people loving each other.
-A church that wants so much more than to be a social hour on Sunday mornings. That wants to love Jesus and love people - every day.

Yes, I am quite blessed. Even if only the first line were true, I'd be blessed beyond measure. And yet, God isn't satisfied with us just having his love. He desires abundant life for us.

Things not to say..Part 2

I've heard from a couple friends about the 'Things not to say' post. Situations they have ran into. And again, I'm amazed that people have no boundaries. I think that as we share our stories, people assume it's okay to ask or comment on anything. Since your sharing anyways...please satisfy my curiosity about......

So Part 2...
Couple are biologically unable to have children. Painful, Painful situation. *disclaimer - this is not our situation - so I'm risking it on a limb and thinking it through as I would.
-Why don't you just have your own? Have you tried that? Nope - we haven't been to doctors, had our hopes up and then been disappointed, tried painful procedures and come to the painful conclusion that it wasn't meant to happen that way. (I used painful alot, because I can only imagine how painful it must be). But we are excited and hopeful about our current situation. We are grateful to have a family in any way God provides. But thanks for reminding us that people think it's not quite good enough. That it would be somehow better if we could have just had done it 'naturally'.
Instead - I'm sorry you've had such a long, hard road. I'll pray for the floodgates of blessing to pour out over you.

Couple have chosen surrogacy. *disclaimer-not I, and not something we ever had to consider. However, I believe families are made in many different, blessed ways. And many different people come to be parents through different journeys. And they are all called blessed. Surrogacy is even more amazing to me, because it means a third person has to be willing to sacrifice and look beyond themselves that is truly inspiring to me.
-Did you have sex with the woman carrying your child? Hmmm...while that happens outside of the medical profession on occasion - that is a pretty big assumption to make. I don't really know what to say to this. Just assume that they did it the way it's medically done. Specimen in a cup, petri dish, insert fertilized egg into surrogate, and there's a baby (okay it's a little more complicated than that). Done in a medical office, with a doctor. Not in a hotel, having fake sex. There is nothing to say instead - just don't say anything. They will share the process as they feel comfortable.

Couple have a few biological children and have adopted a more. People hear news that they have adopted another one.
-Aren't you done yet? Don't you have enough children. You're getting to old.
Really, since when do we get to judge if someone is done building their family. As long as the kids are loved, cared for, and they are financially solvent, so what? I didn't realize there is a cap on the number of children Americans can have. I didn't realize that the right to judge this has been given to your family and friends. Assume that they know their limits, and be joyful for them. Regardless if it's child #1 or #10, the joy of a child is the same. Be happy for them, keep your opinions about their families size to yourselves.

I also have said a few things at times I wish I could take back. I've been the ding-dong who said something hurtful or insensitive. We all have and will. After the last two years, I will be alot slower to judge someone else's motivations and decisions around how they build a family. And I'll spend alot more time listening to people's stories, and hearing their pain and joy, than determining if I can agree with their decisions. And that will serve me well in all area's of my life. Another lesson learned through this process.

And to those family and friends from the above situations, I'm sorry for your pain. I'm happy for your JOY. And I pray that our little story brings you hope.

ISAIAH...

I just finished my bible study on Isaiah. It only took me 9 months to do a 3 month study. Thank God that there isn't a dead line to finish. (I meant that literally).

So Isaiah wasn't exactly what I thought I needed. But God knew better. He knew I'd be heading into the desert. He knew I'd need the words of a man who has seen a few deserts and could remember God's promises. I'd need to remember that God's ways are perfect and it matters how we respond to who he is. That freedom is found in surrender and dependence. That freedom is found in doing it God's ways, instead of our own. That it's not about being religious, or legalistic. It's not just about following the law. But about understanding God's heart, desiring to be in this will, and trusting him with your deepest needs.

It is really this simple...
doing it myself = weary, frightened, angry and alone
depending and surrendering to God = redeemed, soaring on the wings of an eagle

9 months of study, and it comes down to that equation. However, I couldn't have gotten there without understanding how the Israelites struggled, just like me, to depend on God. And how things went south every time they stopped looking to God. And how God redeemed them when they came back. He always redeemed them. Always! Not when they were good enough, or sorry enough, or strong enough, or deserved it. Which is good because I'm sure not going to ever be strong enough, sorry enough or good enough. I try, and get weary. And then I yell at someone in traffic, or get petty with R, or start to question the task God has called me to. And there he is, ready to begin anew.
Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort those who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, an planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
Or how I heard God saying it to me:
Isaiah has been given this proclamation - to bring joy filled news to those with little or nothing. That he is going heal the wounds in your heart, he is going to give you freedom in the areas you are in bondage to. He will show who he is through the work he does in my life. He will comfort me as I mourn, he will provide what I need to walk through grief. And it will be to give me a spirit that is beautiful for all to see, instead of the ugliness I can be. He will give me happiness instead of hurt, and an ability to praise instead of despair. And all of this will display his goodness for all to see.

When your in the desert, those words are water to your soul.

What not to say...

-Why not just have more biological children if you wanted a bigger family?
When I hear this, it sounds like adoption is a second choice. Like it's a substitute to having your 'own children'. It's our first choice. It's always been something we have longed to do. We have prayed for YEARS for God to provide a way for us to adopt. It's never been a substitute. We enjoyed the beautiful process of having biological children. It's not better than adopting. It is very different. Adoption has taught and grown us soo much, much more than either of our pregnancies. But neither process is a 'better' way to grow your family.
*Say instead -How did God lead you to adopt?

-Your kids are so lucky. Lucky-NO! The life of an orphan is not lucky. Losing a mother to death. Losing their birth father and siblings to poverty. Lack of clean water leading to intestinal parasites that cause continuous diarrhea. Lack of healthy food. Lack of a family. Hardly lucky. They are blessed. Blessed to have a birth father willing to give them opportunities he can't provide. Blessed to be surrendered at an amazing orphanage. Blessed to have a forever family to love them. Lucky, not so much. Blessed.
*Say instead - What was the circumstances that led to your children being available?

-Why not adopt in the states? There are so many kids here, and we should take care of that first. Great, go for it. If God has placed foster kids on your heart, contact DHS today and find out what you need to do. There is a need. And it is great, and those kids deserve a home too. But God asked us to go to Haiti. Because the kids in Haiti also deserve a home, as much as any child. And that is where he was building our family.
*Say instead - How did you choose Haiti?

-Aren't they going to be dark. (This is usually said in a hushed tone, in case someone might hear and be offended.) Guess what, it's only by God's Grace I'm not offended. Yep, they are going to be dark. Yes, it does matter to some people. It will be harder at times because of the race issue. Yes, people will notice that they are black. And that we are white. However, God told us Haiti was the country our kids were in. Not alot of white children waiting for adoption in Haiti. So yes, they are dark. And we are not naive about what that means. But we will not live in fear of it.
*Say instead -Your children are beautiful. (I'll happily agree with you.)

-Gosh, your process is taking a long time. I appreciate the reminder because I had somehow forgotten that it has been 13 months since our referral, and two years since our home study. For that few moments at the store, at church, at the party, I hadn't been focused on the length of time. I was enjoying telling you about my kids. About how much closer we are then we were. But I appreciate the focus being reapplied to the most painful part, the long wait.
*Say instead- I'm excited your getting closer. I can't wait to meet them.

-I know .... who adopted and ... happened and it was awful. Attachment disorder. Failed adoptions. Agency dishonesty. Corrupt government. High airfare. Imperfect kids. Bad transitions. I think I've heard a 'personal' story about everything that can and does happen. However, I already knew about all those things. Because I researched. Long before we started our home study. I read the books. I talked to people who experienced adoption. Both the good and the bad. Your neighbors sisters friends story doesn't really matter to me. It's been filtered too many times. I don't know that person. I don't know their story. I don't trust you to give all the important details. If they are willing to pass what they have learned on directly -hook me up. Give me the blog address. Give her my phone number. But don't give me just the grim details, there is always more to the story you don't know.
Say instead - How can I pray for your situation? What are your concerns that I can talk to God about?

-Tell me I need to buy a bigger house. Honestly, it makes you sound shallow. My house is a mansion compared to the home my kids have lived in. Reliable electricity and clean water. That is more than anyone in Haiti can count on. America's perspective is sooo skewed about what is necessary to raise children. The last thing my kids are worried about is if they get their own bedrooms. And I'm quite content with my 'little' house.
-Say instead - How are you going to decorate their room?

-My personal favorite. Are you going to adopt again? That is like asking a woman who is dilated at a ten, pushing with no pain relief if she'd like another baby. She'd look at you with an evil look in her eyes, scream (sounding demon possessed) at you and probably try and get off the bed to inflict immediate physical harm to your body. While my reaction isn't quite that strong, I do mentally picture my hands batting your head between them. No, we are not adopting again. No, we can't begin to even think of a reason to go through this again. No, it's really the last thing on our mind. We don't feel called to adopt again. God may pave a path that leads to that. However he knows not to even mention it now, or I might lose my mind. So I would recommend you not mention either, or I might make you responsible for all 4 of my children in the case I'm taken away in the paddy wagon.
*Say instead -Don't say anything that remotely resembles asking this question. Keep it to yourselves - we will be sure and let people know if we are making plans to adopt again.

My dear friend Jen** and I talked about it. She was saying she needed to blog about it also. I'm sure hers will be more spirit and grace filled. I'm going for cheap laughs, and hopefully some understanding about how comments made with good intentions can sound to those of us who are living this experience. I've learned alot about having grace with people. NO ONE says things with bad intentions. And I choose to focus on the good intentions - and laugh about it.

Stay tuned, maybe I'll tackle what not to say when someone loses a loved one. Ohh...I have some dozzies for that one.

**If you check out Jen's blog- she has the most fabulous news!! I have goosebumps for her, and can't believe she is this close to her baby.

Jazzie

Introducing Jazzie...a border collie who now resides within 10 feet of me at all times.

Jazzie came to stay with us for a couple weeks, while her family found a new living situation. It was a short term stay. And then they found out they couldn't afford a place that took animals. By then, we had bonded. We were close. We couldn't let her go to the pound.

Here are the details:

-She nervous pees. Around men especially. And then is horribly embarrassed. And doesn't want to move and reveal the puddle. But we all know, because it really can't be contained.

-She barks. This surprises us. It shouldn't. She is a dog. Dog=Bark. However, Mattie didn't. Mattie was a greyhound. She barked rarely. Once I let her out, and forgot to let her in. After an hour or so, I heard barking. And wondered why no one was dealing with their dog. It was 10 at night. And then it dawned on, Mattie was still outside. I went to let her in and realized it was MY dog barking. Jazzie barks. At people walking by, at the birds in the yard, at flies, because she wants to play, be fed, petted, or just wants my attention. And it gets old.

-She is a shadow. She follows me. EVERYWHERE. If I go to the bedroom, she lays on the bed and watches me. If I go to the bathroom, she waits outside the door. If I go to make dinner, she lays between the stove and the sink. And when I leave the house, she waits by the front window for me to come home. And if I dare to be outside where she can see me, the pained look on her face is almost to much to bear.

-She is determined to sleep on R's side of the bed. He barely tolerates her sleeping on my side. Yet, she is determined to win him over. Good Luck with that Jaz.

-You can read her face like a book. You know if she is annoyed. Or done something she shouldn't have. Or just wants to be close. There is no guessing what her issue is.

-She is good with the kids, tolerates them well. She is a little rough for them to play with on their own. She does know when one of them is walking her, and doesn't pull. She can get annoyed if they won't leave her alone, and the look on her face is priceless. I feel the same way some days, so I understand.

While we didn't think we were ready for a new dog, God provided one. It was a good price (free) and fits right in to our crazy family. Dogs are alot of work, which reminds me I need to file her nails and clean her ears. However, when they crawl up to lay next to you and snuggle close, there is nothing like it. When you are sick and they won't leave your side, you know you are loved. And all they ask for is an occasional toss of the toy, a little food and water, and to be loved back. I think we can do that.

Introducing...

C as a sweet young girl from the 1950's. The dress was bought Halloween day at 3:30 at Goodwill. She was due to be at The Carnival to help at 4:30. Somehow it all came together-except getting a picture in focus. Probably because I took all of 10 seconds to get four shots before I yelled at her to get in the car. We were 25 minutes late already.


It made me wonder - did kids in the 1950's talk to their parents the ways kids do now? Has memory faded? Has culture changed? Has parenting changed? And how do we go back?

P as a spy for Halloween. Yes, a spy. As in a FBI secret agent. Everyone kept guessing she was a thief. Or a bugler. And this is the look she gave them. Like they don't her. A spy is cool. A burglar is not. DUH! This is also the look you might receive if you asked her how school was, if she has any homework, would like to help by putting her laundry away, or if she like broccoli with dinner.

Update on Re and Er coming soon. We should be entering Courts soon. And hopefully that step goes well, and they should legally be part of the Olson Family. They will be called by our name. There is something about it becoming legal that is a big deal. Beyond the piece of paper. I'm not sure what it is, more reflection needed. Always more reflection is needed. And prayer.