Emotional...

Okay, I know I'm not pregnant. I know that there is no pregnancy hormones running through my system. However, I can't help but realize that adoption is just as much a roller coaster emotionally as birthing a child. And just as unpredictable. Just as irrational. Just as irritating.

Lord, have mercy on me. Give those I live with patience and understanding. Help me have grace with myself. Give me the strength to stand in sorrow and sadness. Help me to remember the joy. Give me hope. Give me calm. Give me peace. I surrender. I trust. I choose to hope.

Coming soon...an 11 year old's meltdown and how not to handle.

I haven't disappeared

I really haven't. Just haven't felt like writing lately. Don't know why. I haven't felt like doing much lately. Haven't felt like doing housework, laundry, or clean out the car. Which is why my floor is sticky, R had to dig through a basket of clean whites to find socks, and my car stinks.

I think spring needs to come. Raise the serotonin levels. Maybe it's the economy. Maybe it's Friday, maybe it's that there isn't much new in our life.

I have a couple post I want to write, I just need to spend time thinking them through. Often, I just throw stuff out there, and don't worry about it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's just random crap. These need to be thought and prayed through.

So I haven't decided to stop blogging, just been distracted.

And I will change the background - but probably not for awhile. I still have Christmas decorations up, so it could be summer.

Feb. Update

Happy Valentines Day, only a week late...

What a lovely gift we received today. We found out our file has entered into IBESR. IBESR is the Haitian governments social services department. While it usually takes 3-6months -there is no guarantee how long we will be at this step.

However, when we look into those eye - we can't help but we willing to wait. For as long as it takes to bring them home. And we will pray, worship, and love them from afar.

Ahhh....computer, How I loathe thee

I'm technically challenged. This statement alone explains a lot about my blog. And my life in general. If it requires thinking mechanically - it's not going to happen if I'm left to my own devices.
As a child I got in trouble for taking apart all my Nana's clothespins. My hands are always moving, and for some reason the cut up milk carton of clothespins were nearby. So I managed to take the metal clip out of the majority of them, before she realized what I was doing. My punishment was simple - put them back together. I was about 10 - so this is a reasonable request. If it had been my brother, he could have done it in less time then it took to take them apart.
However, I spent an hour frustrated and only put 4 back together. I just couldn't figure it out. I'm not sure if I could today. Nana finally gave up, made me do some other chores to earn money to buy more.
So a computer is clearly out of my league. I resisted having a personal computer. R really wanted one, because he gets them and thinks they are fun. So we finally got a Dell laptop. And he set it all up, and even lets me use it.
Here is the way I repay him...
-I broke the screen, costing $100 to fix
-I downloaded a virus and killed the hard drive, costing another $100
-I didn't get the no eating/drinking near the computer memo, and it cost us $100 to replace the keyboard. It's really hard to use when it continuously types jjjjjjjjjjj
-The power cord needed to be replaced, you could see exposed wires, $25 to get a new one
-And on Friday, the hard drive was fried again...
Another $100 to fix.

Yeah, not to mention the time and energy R has spent fixing all my 'mistakes'.

So I'm lucky he still lets me use it. Although this weekend he started talking about a second laptop, for him. Can't say as I blame the guy. If he kept breaking my stuff, I'd want my own too.

So that is why I've been AWOL...and why I haven't posted current pictures. However, once R finishes loading the apps (I think that is what they are called) I will do it.

Waiting...

I'm part of a Yahoo group for parents adopting through GLA. It has been such a blessing, connecting with with other adoptive parents who understand Haiti, and our process. As much as other adoptive parents get it, due to the length of time Haiti is taking - it helps having others whose adoption is taking as long as ours. There was a thread about how hard it is to answer questions or respond to silly statements others makes. How that can make the wait seem even longer.
This last weekend, it was hard. Talking about it was hard. Hearing others sympathy for the long wait was hard. Missing them was hard. I was going through the motions with a cloak of sadness of being separated from our children. And here comes a thread that others are struggling with it too. And yet, I couldn't write it out - I was afraid if I started crying I wouldn't stop.
So here is what I wrote, what I learned, how I've grown.
"I've been following this thread, and feeling the same. The waiting seemed to be suffocating me and sucking the joy out of the rest of my life. It was so good to hear that others struggle with the wait, that it's not just us that find it frustrating beyond words. And sad beyond measure to be separate from our babies. And while others try and be supportive, they say things that are so far removed from helpful, you have to laugh. No, I'm not enjoying my time with my other two, to make up for when they come. No, I can't go there and move things along, Nope- no one here to call and ask for help, and No I don't think it will be sooner.
This weekend I had a really hard time, feeling like everything was cloaked with this sadness of missing them. And I didn't post afraid I'd lose it all for good. My dh and I sat down Sunday night to watch Fireproof. Great Movie, but has little do with this topic. Other than this song, While I wait is on the soundtrack. And I wept through it. I realized I was wrapping myself in my sadness and frustration, and forgetting to be faithful to who God wants me to be. A loving wife, a loving mom, God's daughter, ministry leader, a worshipper, a friend, an encourager, etc, etc, etc. And that I can do all those things while I wait. It won't diminish my wait- but I will be faithful to who God designed me to be.
So I kept thinking and hearing that song, and this morning -felt God's nudge to post here and be honest and share what is bringing me hope.Here is the link, close your eyes and picture God sitting next to you as you tell him all your anguish and hurt over your child not being with you. And see the kindness and sadness in his eyes, and understanding that others lack. He was apart from his son too, and has many children he is separated from. He understands better than anyone to love someone so much, and be so far from them. I've been able to recognize that I can wait, because he is next to me waiting too... and asking for my praise and trust during this time. I can serve, worship, grow, trust, love and wait. And from now on when people ask how I can stand the wait, I have an answer. Because I'm worshiping a father who understands while I wait. I'm serving a father who is using this time to reach others, while I wait. I'm growing in my trust and dependence on him while I wait."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc&feature=related

Mary Hamilton

Yesterday in the car...
C says, "I know what I want to be next year for Halloween"
Halloween! we are going to get Valentines
"I think I'm going to take my angel costume and add wings and a halo and be an angel."
Okay, sounds good and cheap
"Or maybe I'll be Mary"
P says, "Mary who?"
C replies, "Mary from the Bible"
P says, "Mary Hamilton"
Mary Hamilton, I don't think she's in the bible Poem and before I can explain this C says,
"No like Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus"
That should clear it up
P -"no like the Mary that went the tomb"
Ohhh, Mary Magdalene...that makes more sense, so I say,
"Poem, that is Mary Magdalene"
"Yep, Mary Hamilton." she confidently replied.
"No, Magdalene, not Hamilton."
"No Mom, it's Hamilton -like the kids in my class whose last name is Hamilton"
I'm not sure how to explain this logically, to an illogical child...
"No Poem, it's MAG-da-linn...not Hamilton. They are different names for different people."

So Poem wraps it up by saying, "Well you could go as the kid in class whose name is Hamilton"

Yep, sounds good to me, in fact we probably have a closet full of clothes for her to dress like a random second grader. Probably easier then figuring out a Mary Magdalene costume.

Be changed, my friend...

There was a post today on an adoption forum. It included a link to this photo essay....
http://www.haitichildren.com/message/one.htm

Before you click, disclaimer : The images are graphic, they will leave you broken, and your children should be out of the room. There are images of corpses - but it is the reality of extreme poverty.

I wonder if UNICEF has seen these pictures, and if thier 'statement' continues to stand in the face of such suffering.

Be changed, my friend.

Laundry Room Update

Well, we've moved the girls clothes into the laundry room. It's not as crowded as I was afraid it would be. We're working on actually returning dirty clothes to laundry room. But we've been working on that for a year.

So I'm trying to actually catch up on laundry. Which seems to be easier said then done today. I have the attention span of a knat this morning. I'm bouncing from one item on the to-do list to another. I did manage to check a couple things off, but the laundry keeps getting forgotten. So I'm off to fold and start another load. Only 6 more to go...