I’m done with…

I wrote this to post on the blog...I'm done with. It's a very personal statement, and not meant to gain approval or even understanding. However, I hope that in sharing I can be more of myself with those who know me.

I'm done feeling inadequate…I will find my worthiness through God's eyes and his word.

I'm done feeling less than others, because of a few extra pounds and acne on my face. I will see my soul as beautiful, as I am made in God's perfect image.

I'm done letting other peoples judgments determine how I see myself. My personality is a God given gift, even if I'm sometimes out of place and make others uncomfortable.

I'm done judging others to feel righteous in my own dirtiness. I will see others as God does, broken, hurting and separated from the love and healing they long for. I will see myself made right with God because of Christ gift alone.

I'm done with being impressive, and being impressed. I desire to see people through God's eyes and be humbled by others loves and obedience.

I'm done feeling small, and unimportant. My place in the body of Christ matters, and I serve to be obedient to God and spend tangible time with my heavenly father.

I'm done listening to Christians who are more passionate about politics than people's souls.

I'm done voting along party lines, and feeling silly for caring about the environment. I'm done feeling like a traitor to the Christian culture because I don't always agree with mainstream conservatism. I wonder where Jesus would stand on the issues of politics, or would he be busy clearing out the temple, healing the broken, and feeding the hungry.

I'm done with Christians judging political agendas and social programs, and yet doing nothing in their community to serve the poor and underprivileged. When we head the call to care for the orphans, widows, sick and hurting – the government won't need to do what his people are asked to do.

I'm done excusing the church's actions to those who have been hurt by it; I'm apologizing for not being Christ like.

I'm done hurting others in the name of speaking the truth. It's a clever mask I use to be right. I'll let God's amazing Grace be enough, and pray my words bring healing and restoration.

I'm done making small talk when people are hurting. Their pain is more important than my comfort.

I'm done with just doing community service; I desire to make an eternal impact in individual lives.

I'm done seeing my relationship with church the same as my relationship with God. My church is made up of broken people, and not an accurate representation of the perfect love of God. And that's okay; our love is made perfect in Christ alone.

I'm done with driving new cars, using credit cards to go to dinner, spending $5 on a cup of coffee –and being unable to give to my church a tithe or send an offering to a child who will die without my help. God has given us abundance in USA, regardless of income. I will live in contentment with what God has provided, and share the abundance I have been blessed with.

As I was writing this, and really making a declaration of independence (of sorts) I began to see situations in my life differently. I began to pray differently. Then I went to church, assuming everything would be different there too. And then a seemingly innocent interaction made me feel small and insignificant. It wasn't intentional, and yet I walked away hurt after being brushed off. I thought of all the 'reasons', I wasn't important, I didn't matter, I'm invisible because I don't look like the other church women, oh-it was a long list I had going. And I hadn't even made it to the front door yet.

I got in the car, and as I drove off I wondered if Satan was attacking? Was God testing if I meant it, was he giving me a place to test out my freedom? Was God allowing Satan's attack? As my mind circled around these thoughts, God said "It doesn't matter why." It didn't matter where it came from, what mattered was if I'd react as if I was in bondage or as if I was free. Did I still care more about what other people thought than how God feels for me? Did I really find my value through God's Grace? Or am I just saying the words, writing the declaration, and then going to fall apart if I'm brushed off unintentionally at church. Am I giving lip service? Can I really live this way? Will God really be enough? That is what it really came down to –Is God enough? Is his love and forgiveness enough to make it okay if people brush me off? Is his value of me enough that if I don't measure up, I can throw out the measuring stick? Is his promise of eternal riches enough to be contented driving my old car? Would I be able to just let the brush off be a simple mistake made by another human, and have no reflection on how I see my own value? The answer is yes, yes, YES!

If I'm to have freedom…it's so much bigger than being free of the inadequacy of my church, or Christianity. It's to see my church and other Christians as broken, hurting and needing Jesus as much as I do. It's to be done with allowing Satan to speak lies into my heart. It's being done with giving lip service…and instead reacting with a heart full of freedom and joy.

Scrapbooking....
I scrapbooked today, working on R & Er's books. I enjoyed the creative process, enjoyed seeing progress from the time I spent, and made an awful mess all over my coffee table. I also realized why I scrapbook - because I won't remember it all.
I really won't - and I want to. I want to remember the feeling of anticipation of R and Er. I want to remember the excitement of CN and P, and thier precious prayers for a brother and sister they haven't met yet.
I have forgetten so much already. What my mom's voice sounded like. What my Nana's hand's looked like. What a first date felt like. Most of my teachers, only remembering the meanest and kindest. What time I went to school. What the kids' name that lived on the corner. What we did for 4th of July growing up.
Maybe it's not memorable, maybe I just have filled my brain with other stuff. But when I go back to a page I made 5 years ago, I travel back there in my mind. I remember what P looked like at 2, what CN sounded like at 5. I remember what they wore for Christmas, and how it felt to hold them. All the moments I want to remember.
I want that for my kids. I want them to have a place to go to remember. A place to relive thier youth, learn life lessons again, hear thier mom's voice in her stories, and maybe even offer some clarification and healing.
So I scrapbooked this afternoon, and it may be one of the most important things I do today. That and cleaning the toilets. Cleaning the toilets are important too...but that's another blog.

Adoption Adventure

We are adopting two children from Haiti. It has been a long process, 10+ years total. God sometimes ask you to do something, and then ask you to wait. It was hard to wait. But God was working in us, to prepare us. He was working to prepare our children. So we prayed, for wisdom for us, safety and health for our children. God had to teach us, about financial responsibility, about trust and dependence, about his place in our family. He was caring for our adoptive children and their birth family. While we question at times, would the answer ever be "yes, it's time. Go!" we kept trusting God's perfect timing.



And now we could see God's perfect timing. We understood all the times he said wait. I don't think we are given many times in our life to see God's perfect plan. Many times we have to wait till heaven to see his perspective. And yet, in this we have been glimpsed God's perfect plan for us. I believe that adoption is always a God thing. To bring a parent and child together is a miracle, regardless of the mechanism. God is always involved in creating a family, and adoption requires overtime on his part. We can trust that he is faithful to complete the work in which he starts.



Re and Er are those very children we prayed for, that God prepared. God's good work, and we are trusting him for completion. While we wait, we are reminded that ten years has flown by. The next year will also fly by, and they will come home in God's timing. When we are ready, and they are ready.

Here goes something...

I love reading blogs, and am slowly becoming familiar with this whole 'internet' thing. I've accepted that it is here to stay and might as well join in with the "cool kids". So bear with me while I figure it out.

We have two bio children, CN is 10. P is 7. They are lovely children, about 30% of the time. The other 70% reminds us why we need grace. We are in the process of adopting two children from Haiti. One boy, Re is 6. A girl, Er is 2. We are a family that loves each other, but it's okay to get messy with each other.

I'll post more on our adoption journey, where we are at, current news, etc. I'll post what's new in our journey, what we are learning about God and each other, and all the funny stuff that happens around here.