May Update and a meltdown

We received our May update yesterday. Let me say that I've been a bit over emotional. As excited as I am to go to Haiti, I keep coming back to the thought that I will have to walk away from my children. I will have to leave them. I'm not abandoning them, but what must it feel like to them?
Here is their side of the story (in my mind). I lose my mother, my brother goes to the hospital to die, and my father takes me to a strange building with strange people and leaves me there. I see my Papa once in awhile, but he never takes me home. I miss him and my sibling terribly, and I want to go home with them. The grownup's here keep telling me I have a new family. They live far away, and they even sent pictures. I also got sandals, and they are really neat. They are coming to see me. I'm really excited to be with them. I can't wait to be a family again.

So when we leave in two weeks, and they stay. What will their hearts feel? Loved because we visited, or will they feel abandoned again. We'll they wonder if we are just coming to visit like their Papa? Will they wonder if we didn't love them and decided not to take them? Will they trust that we won't leave again, the next time we go? That is my fear. That their souls will be forever scarred by our leaving them. The way their hearts are forever changed by their birth mothers death, and their Papa's surrendering them.

Saturday I went hiking. Spent some time alone with God. Cried, really cried, ugly tears. I turned to a now familiar passage in Isaiah 43:1-4.

But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers; they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you."

Here is what I heard...

Anita, this is God, your loving father. I created you to do this. When you are on the plane, and the anxiety hits, I will be with you. When you are overwhelmed in the airport, I will be there. When you have to leave your children, and grief overwhelms you - you will not be swept away. When the pain of saying good-bye burns deeply- you and your children's hearts will be protected from damage. Your children and you, are precious to me, honored by me, and I love you. I will be there, every step, every deep breath, every moment of joy, and tear of sorrow. You can do this, and I'm not asking more of you than I know you are capable of.

I have had an amazing peace about the trip since then. I am still so sad I have to leave them, and I imagine a meltdown will happen at some point on the way home. But we will all come out of it okay.

When got our update. It's a video. It's beautiful. A very loving volunteer put it together, and there is a short video at the end of Re and Er said goodbye.