Remembering...

I used to think it was just mean that every year the day of my Mom's death would roll back around. Couldn't we have a calendar that didn't repeat dates. However, as I've been reading the Old Testament, I realized something significant. It happens as you read the words of God. He uses it to teach you. Anyways, back to revisiting dates, and the Old Testament. There seems to be a pattern I've noticed. God did something significant. Noah built an alter. God did something significant. Abram built an alter. He visited the alter. He remembered. The Israelites see God reveal himself in a mighty way. They build an alter to mark the spot. They recognize it when they come upon it again. They remembered.
So maybe that is what the date is. A remembering. A time to look back and remember what God has done. To not forget. To not lose the lesson. To honor and praise God for what he has done. To remember what he is really capable of. Maybe God created us with a need to have a alter, a marking to remember by. Surely he knows me, and how easily I forget. It's easy to celebrate the good days of remembering. But the hardest days of our lives, it's just easier not to.
So while the remembering is painful, I remember. I choose to revisit the sorrow, to return to the healing. Part of the remembering, is writing it out for me. To fill in the gaps in the history, and to give ALL the GLORY to God that he so rightfully deserves.
So one year ago...
I was sitting down enjoying a quiet moment, remember my mom. Remembering how much she loved Jesus, how much she loved me, and how much of a gap in my life there is without her. I was praying for the strength to finish my day, and for the comfort and peace that only Jesus brings. Grief is a fickle fellow, and I remember that day he had taken up residence with me for the afternoon. He wasn't leaving until I had joined him in an ugly cry, and a time of mourning. As I was starting to recover, and see that this wave of grief would too pass, a friend called. She asked if I'd heard that Haiti had an earthquake? No, but I got off the phone to get on the computer and get details. I remember being numb at this point. No adrenaline rush, or even feeling of being overly concerned. On Facebook it had been posted that our kids were safe, as well as the staff at GLA. After that, I went to CNN, and got the first wind of how bad it was. How really bad it was. How blessed we were that our children were alive. I called R, or he called me. I know we had a conversation. I don't remember what we said, or even if we said much. I just knew we needed to have a connection. Then I prayed, and watched the news, and prayed. I remember feeling hopeless, frustrated, and scared. Scared that our children's hope of coming home that year had just been buried in the rubble. I remember being broken to my core that there was a possibility that our adoption may take years more to be completed, and not believing my heart could take that.
When R came home we just held each other. There were no words to say. We had no reason to believe it actually would be okay. It looked pretty dire. I had never heard of a humanitarian evacuation. My only thought was how we could possibly complete the end of our adoption with Haiti being in such chaos. We received calls, and each time we said we didn't know what would happen it seemed to become more real that they would be stuck in Haiti for a long time. It was one of the darkest nights of my life. To be honest, I had lost hope. I was looking at the earthly realm, and all it frailties as the only reality. And when you are in that place, it's dark and lonely. We were fearful for our children. We were sad that they had been through this horrible experience and we weren't there to comfort and to protect. The feelings of helplessness were enormous. As a mother, I wanted to get on a plane, boat, train, dingy, or flyer saucer to get to them. I wanted to walk through piles of rubble and rings of fire to hold them. And yet, I couldn't. Trapped and Hopeless. If you wondered why we didn't blog more those 10 days, it was because I tend to be unable to blog without being pretty honest. And I was way to vulnerable to put out there how I really was feeling. It looked like I was calm and confident. Nope, just crisis management training in action.
I drifted in and out of sleep. I'd fall asleep and jerk awake trying to figure out a way to get on a plane to Haiti. Twice I got up to get dressed to drive to the airport, only halfway through getting dressed realizing how little that would actually help, and how God was not directing me to do that. My pride was telling me that I just needed to get there and I'd take care of getting them home. That God wasn't going to have this one - I was. And then he'd remind me that wasn't truth. And to go back to bed.
The next day I remember sending R to work, and the kids to school, and crumbling onto the couch, and going to the really ugly cry. You know, the one where your whole body heaves and there isn't time to catch your breath. The kind that breaks your soul wide open, and leaves you raw and open. And God spoke gentle, soothing words into that gap. He brought me back to Isaiah 43. Reminded me of his promises. And gave me a new promise. Isaiah 43:6. "I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." It was a balm to my raw soul. I held onto those words tightly, like a worry stone. Going over and over them, rubbing them when my soul would seize up with worry. I spent the day trying to get as much information about the earthquake, watching news story after news story, refreshing facebook, and searching for any update. I answered calls from friends and family asking if we'd heard anything. I didn't have answers, but every news story seemed to get worse and worse.
Those first few days were dark, and I spent alot of energy fighting off the lies of despair. It was truly a spiritual battle. Would I believe God was really big enough? Would I have faith when the odds were so against us? Did I really trust him to hold my children in his hands when I couldn't have proof of it? It's easy to have faith when the evidence is obvious. It's easier to have comfort when your in pain, even if you don't like the circumstances. But to surrender it all, and trust when all the facts point to a hopeless situation - well, that is a whole other story. To be willing to accept defeat, and to choose to have faith in spite of defeat, brought me to a new place with God. If it all fell apart, would he be enough to heal and sustain? I'd like to think I can say after those few days the answer if yes. That I know without a shadow of doubt. But there is this part of me that remembers the doubt. Remembers the pride. Remembers how easy it was to fall into despair.
Once we started to hear that there was a way for the kids to come home, all my energy went into making it happen. God had provided a way, and I was going to hold up my end. I couldn't get on a plane, but I could contact every 'important' person to beg, plead, and beg some more to hear my kids story. We were blessed by the friends, families, and strangers who acted on our children's behalf. We spent the next day or two calling, emailing and calling again everyone we could think of who might have the slightest influence on the US Government agencies that needed to act. By the 15th, three days later, we were starting to see the possibility of getting them home becoming a possible reality.
One of the hardest part of those first days was feeling like we were focusing on our own need to have the kids home, and not being able to focus on the needs in Haiti. That the attention we were drawing to our story, wasn't bringing the needs of Haiti into the spotlight. We had to remind ourselves that GLA asked us for this specific help, that only we as adoptive parents could provide. We had to trust that God would reveal through the media attention that which he wanted revealed. The media attention is a whole other aspect of those days that still makes me cringe a little. That we sought out the spotlight. That we were news worthy. Understand clearly - we needed the media. We know that the media coverage made a difference. However, R and I, had a hard time with it. It felt prideful. I remember when Koin 6 called me wanting to just ignore the call and not go there. Maybe it's growing up in a small town and having everyone know your business, maybe it's not feeling worthy of the attention. I don't know. I just know that is was hard to do. And it was hard to do on our own behalf, and not want to just plead with people to give to Haiti. To let it be about us.
Well, that was a longer post than I intended. Alot to remember. Alot of gaps to fill in. I'm still skimming over some of the details, but some aren't worthy of remembering or no longer seem significant once held under the microscope of time and perspective.
Well, I got to day 3 of 10. I'll be back with days 3-6 in the next couple days. Those were some really GOOD days. God showed up in some big ways. Ways I've not shared before. Ways I've held to myself, in part because I'm selfish and didn't want to share. In part because I haven't taken the time to remember and write it out. But remembering is good for the soul.

2010

What a year the last year has been. Last year at this time I could not have imagined what the following 30 days would bring.
To be honest, since my mom died in January eight year ago, I've always spent the last week in December bracing myself for the month to come. It's got a history in our family. And generally it's not a time period I look forward to. People die in January in my family. Last year, we were just praying for no bad news in January. We had no idea that just around the corner was a life defining moment, unlike any we could have imagined.
In retrospect, what have I learned from the last 12 months. A lot, and very little. The more I learn of God, the more I realize I know soo little. But in an attempt to not lose the lessons, I'm going to try to summarize them. Which probably won't work. I can get a little long winded.
-God is a God of COMPLETION. What he begins, he finishes. It may be in a different time frame than we wish or not the outcome we had hoped for, but he does complete the work. His desire is that we surrender to his completed plan, not our own.
-God will provide. Ok, we knew that. What we didn't really understand is that the means he has to provide is through each other. He doesn't drop balloons of money out of the sky, although he could. He ask that those who love him, to show up with food, clothes, money, or just a hug. And when they do, he is present in all those encounters. In the moments when we hear his Holy Spirit say, "Give to them, Give here, Hug them, Bring them dinner, Buy them groceries, Give them the kids coats." That is God providing for those who love him, by those who love him.
-God is the Healer. We are not. He will restore our children's trust. He will heal the wounds of abandonment. He will build the strands of attachment. We need to show up and do the work, be obedient to him, and love the kids with all our might. But he is the healer. He heals through every hug, every cuddle, every time out, every time we stay present in the grief and allow them the safe place to let it out. He deserves all the GLORY in the progress our kids have made.
-Marriage is not easy when your both at a level 7 stress all the time. It changes the dynamics between you, and you will need a whole new level of understanding and grace to get through it.
-God's word is the main source of spiritual nourishment. That when you live in a level 7 stress level, you better be eating well. I've also learned that God's word in not meant to be taken in antidote moments, one verse here, one verse there. It's a story to be understood in it's entirety. It's God revealing himself, in each encounter with us, and each encounter teaches us something. However, if you really want to see a complete picture of God, you have to see all of it. This has been an important spiritual foundation that I'd been missing.
-Church, especially the American church, is quite honestly disillusioned. It isn't biblical, and quite happy to stay that way. It has chosen what of the bible to teach, to apply to itself, and is largely just a reflection of the American culture, and not a reflection of Jesus. I don't mean to offend, but we can't ignore how Jesus called us to live, and how the church calls us to live, and the huge gap between them. This is really another post, in and of itself. So I'll leave it there.
-Peoples true characters come through in crisis. We learned this year, who was willing to show up and be present, when it was ugly around here. We learned who just wanted some of the attention. We learned to let go of the relationships that were unhealthy, as we came to a point where there was no more energy to give them. We learned that when we release those relationships, it frees up space to allow other relationships to grow.
-People will make assumptions about you, based on a small amount of information. Don't take it personal. Those assumptions may be positive or negative. Don't take either too seriously. Their opinion isn't the one that matters.
-Love doesn't require the other person to love you first. Real LOVE doesn't. Christ like love, loves when it's not returns. Christ like love, loves when there is anger and frustration. Christ like love, forgives without being asked. Christ like love, says I love you, knowing there is no I love you in return. That the real test of love, is loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving in the pain. Loving in the anger. Loving in the impossible.

That sums it up. It's been a big year for our family. I'm attempted to pray for a quiet year in 2011. But I'm afraid that God might just give it to us. And as nice as it sounds, I don't want to waste a year in complacency. I want God to move mountains in 2011. I want to be part of miracles. I want to be part of where God is working. However, it's not about what I want. So instead we surrender to his completed plan, whatever that may be.

Christmas

I don't know if I have the language to describe the last 3 days. It was all I hoped it would be, and more. There were moments that were perfection. Moments of holiness. Moments of understanding and comprehension. Moments that brought me to tears, and more than a few that brought my soul to it's knees.

God is a God of completion and perfection. It's hard to see and comprehend that in our broken, ugly world. Christmas time reminds me gently and softly that he came to save us from this ugly, mean world. And he came in humbleness. He came like no man would have come. Like only God would. Completely humble and perfect in it's plan. And that he came knowing that most would not respond. And yet, for those who would, he came. And stayed. In the mundane, everyday, messy moments of our lives. And then that he'd use me to reveal himself into this world- that brings my soul to it's knees in humble understanding.

And that he is coming. That we are not meant for this world for long. That Christmas is also the anticipation of his return, and the return of all things to how he designed it. Without the ugly, without the broken, without the pain. Christmas time with family and friends, with gifts being shared, food being enjoyed together, past hurts and current pains being put aside for a day, reminds me of what is to come, not for a holiday season, but forever. The feast to come is reflected in the softness of the warm yeast rolls, the savory elk steak, the favorite glass of wine, and the perfectly made fudge. The Christmas Eve service, with corporate worship that filled my spirit with longing to see my Jesus, is a small sampling of what is to come as the saints march into the New Jerusalem. That the hugs and sweet conversations with family and friends, will be but a shadow of the perfect and complete relationships we will share for eternity. Christmas makes me remember and long for what is to come.

Now, what most of you really want to know about - the kids. Christmas was exciting, and I believe it rose above all their expectations. They were thrilled with opening presents and all the attention. We enjoyed watching them in their excitement. We enjoyed the sweetness of their mere presence this year. We saw God's provision and grace poured out on them and us. They soaked it all in, and my prayer is that the last three days solidifies even more how loved, desired, and anticipated they were. Re especially has wanted to know what we did for Christmas when he wasn't here. Knowing we had his stocking from 2 years ago, and his ornaments from the last 2 years, helped him to understand how much they were ours before they came home. And how deeply entrenched they are into our family. Er was just content knowing those presents under the tree were for her. Ce and P were thankful that while some things were different this year, many things were the same. And that the things that were different, were better. They reaped the benefit of parents who were able to be wholly present in their Christmas this year.

As for R and I, well...this year has been anticipated for many years. Four to be exact. For four years we had children that weren't home for Christmas. That weren't home to pick out the tree, decorate it, put presents under, bring home the nativity coloring sheet from church, wake you up Christmas morn, or snuggle in your lap in new pj's. Every part of Christmas was mixed in sadness, for what was missing. The sweetest of this year, was the fulfillment of God's promise to us. God's promise four years ago when we began this crazy process to have more children. God's promise when I left them in Haiti. God's promise in January, when all hope seemed lost. God's promise in the moments when it was too hard, when grief was all we saw, and God's healing touch was the only solution. He has shown up. In mighty and grand ways. And we aren't deserving. Trust me, we aren't. We aren't deserving of any of it. It is by Jesus humbleness and grace, his willingness to come down and be our Savior, that our cries are heard. It is his humble, gentle presence in our individual hearts and our family, that healing is happening. It is HIM who moved mountains. It is HIM who is healing. It is HIM who has blessed us. We are humbled. Daily. Christmas just bring the focus back to HIM. In remembrance and anticipation.

Christmas is in the air...

And this year it's all sweet. The last two Christmas's have been bittersweet. The first one after our referral was a little bittersweet, but we didn't have a real attachment yet. It was sad that Re and Er weren't here, but we were hopeful they'd be home by the next Christmas. Optimistic, but naive.
Last year, was full of bittersweet moments. We know by October, that it wasn't going to be that they'd be home. But we had held them in July. We knew the sound of their voices. We knew how they felt in our arms. We could imagine their excitement and expressions of being overwhelmed. We knew just what we wanted to get them for Christmas. So every tradition had an edge of longing to it. Getting the tree, we wished they were there. As we got our the ornaments we had bought for them the year before, we ached to have them put them on the tree. As we opened gifts, I thought of them opening gifts without a Mom and Dad to ooohhh and ahhhh. I thought of them going to bed on Christmas Eve, wondering if someone had to tuck them in over and over again, as they tried to stay awake to catch a peek at Santa. I prayed someone reminded them that it all was really about the gift of GRACE that Jesus was.
This year - it's all sweet. Getting to enjoy them as they ran around the tree lot, hiding amongst the trees and drinking hot chocolate. The JOY that cascaded down my soul as they pulled out the ornaments I've lovingly chosen just for them the last two years, and carefully hung on the tree. The sense of anticipation that Re exudes everyday as he counts down the days. The way Er says "It's Christmas, Jesus Birthday. We have party in the park with party hats." Hearing Jingle Bells 22 times an hour. Listening to them remember what Christmas was like in Haiti at GLA. Answering questions daily about what we do on Christmas. Explaining again that yes we will make Christmas cookies.
And as I personally meditate on what the gift of Christ coming to earth mean to me, I'm again amazed at how adoption is a perfect picture of God's redemption of me. That Christ was my dossier. He was the adoption cost, the approval, the authorization that I needed to be an daughter of God. That just as I stood before authority and vowed to provide for the needs of my children, and give them the same rights and privilege as biological children, Jesus stood before the authority of God and vowed to provide what I needed, that I'd have the privilege of being in his family.
And the amazing thing is this, he doesn't demand that I love him, despite all he did. And as a parent, there are days it's tempting to demand it. To guilt, to manipulate, to try and force it. And yet, he could and he doesn't. He wants so much more than that. He wants us to choose to love him.
That he came as a humble human being. He took on the body of a mortal. That the infinite God, become burdened by humanness. So I could relate to him. So I'd know he'd been where I'd been. So I could relate to him. It makes no sense. That he created prophesy, and fulfilled them all, so I'd have a reason to believe. So mankind would see his faithfulness. His perfect faithfulness. So he would be known to me. I just can't get my mind around it.
However, I do know this. He is a God of Redemption. Through the birth of Christ. Through the fulfillment of prophesy. Through the deliverance of me from my sin. Through the healing of grief. The very fact that my children are here.

Thankful for...

R- his willingness to stick around through anything. For putting up with my mood swings, craziness, and somehow loving me through it all.

Ce-her tender and kind heart. Her willingness to be an extra pair of hands and eyes.

P-her sweet and loving spirit. For her quiet and loving affection. For being willing to take on being a big sister with a loving heart.

R-his energy and openness to having a new family. For his acceptance of us and openness to being loved.

Er-her ability to keep us on our toes and in lots of laughter. Her excitement and joy over the possibility of what tomorrow brings



For the love and support of our family and friends this last year. For our home, that is dry and warm. For medical care and antibiotics. For food and water. For warmth and light.



This last year has been full of lessons. We couldn't have imagined this time last year, what the next 12 months would hold. Or the lessons to be had.



If there is one lesson we are most grateful for it is this...

God is who God is, regardless of our situation. He is a God of redemption and restoration. That fact is not dependent on how I feel in the moment, or what the situation looks to be. He has restored and redeemed. He is restoring and redeeming. Right now. In the moments when the grace is evident. And even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it's ever going to be okay. Especially in those moments. We are grateful for all those moments.



We came close to losing our two children in January. No matter how others viewed our relationship with them, they were our children, as much a part of us as our biological children. The fact that they lived in another country didn't change that. There were moments of sheer terror that they'd never live in our family. That an earthquake was going to somehow disrupt God's plan. But God is who God is...regardless of the facts in the moment. And he redeemed the situation. In the moments we thought there was no hope, he was already working out the details. His ability to move mountains wasn't based on our faith. He is who He is.

And in the moments of incomparable grief, when healing seemed to be an impossibility - God was binding together their broken hearts. When we wondered if we'd ever start to feel like a family, he was creating bonds between us. When we looked at the checkbook, and it felt as if there wasn't enough, he was already bringing provision.

God is who He is. He is the God of redemption. Not just one time at the cross, but daily in our relationships to him and to each other. I'm grateful for so much, but if it all was gone tomorrow I'd still be grateful for a God who is.

Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.

Halloween

We trick or treated last night. For the first time. Seriously, we have NEVER really taken the kids out to the neighborhood to knock on strangers doors for free candy. All the 'right' reasons behind this decision. Blah, blah, blah...until we found ourselves without a church carnival to attend (which for the record, we could have gone back to our old church and would have been welcomed, but it would have been confusing for the kids) and a beautiful evening and kids having fun. Re exclaimed, "Mom, Life is good, let's not change anything!" Ce and P, who also had never trick or treated, were enjoying this funny American tradition for the first time also. It was really fun to do as a family. They looked out for each other, said Thank You's and we were proud that they were ours. So while, we know it wasn't probably the most Christian right thing to do, I can't help but grin when I think of our kids walking together, helping each other avoid the curbs in the dark and sharing their stash when we got home. So our first Halloween was a raging success!

Just think of Christmas a coming...