Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.