Well, that last post was a 'fun' one.  I'm all about the 'joys' of parenting here.  Sigh...onto other things.  Encouraging things...

Practical, Real, Tangible ways to facilitate grief.  *disclaimer- not a pro, just a Mom with grieving kids.

Write down memories - allow them time/space/resources to write out what they remember.  Don't disagree if it doesn't match what you were told.  If old enough, let them write it down.  Help them fill in the details if they ask.  Be careful to not interfere in their memories with what you believe to be true.  Give them prompts based on their story.  Don't shy away from the hard topics.  Ask them to write about daily details.  Ask about people.  Re made a  book.  A page for each family member.  Stories about siblings, parents, the orphanage, and the process of coming home.  We did this project during the summer.  We had specific time to sit down and write. We were making a book. It was serious business.  Rough draft, editing, publishing, illustrating, and binding.  It gave weight to the importance of the memories.  After writing on hard topics, we made time for the grief.  For the push back, acting out, and were available.  We didn't write the day we had doctor's appointments later.  We made this project the priority for the weeks it was in process.  There were many great conversations that came about.  Questions asked, and room to answer in context of the whole story.  And at the end, we turned a corner.   There was healing in some significant ways.

Pray- Pray for the family they are separate from.  If you know their names, pray for someone each evening.  If you don't, pray for them by role.  Don't know if they are alive, pray for their caregivers.  Pray for their 'orphanage' siblings.  Prayer moves the hand of God.  And in prayer, they can feel powerful in a powerless situation.

Grief meltdowns-Grief looks different in every person.  In every situation.  I've grieved for my Mom very different than other losses in my life.  Grief for a parent is different than other grief.  No more, not worse, just different.  Culture affects how we grieve.  If they were allowed to grieve in the past, and how, will effect how grief shows up.  Re grief showed up in meltdowns fueled by rage.  This isn't anyone's fault, it's how he is equipped to deal with the raw emotions of loss.  He starts out pushing back against us, his parents.  He becomes passive.  He starts to spiral around the issue.  Some days we are just waiting for it to come.  Grief is lurking out the door, but won't just open the door and come in.  It wants an invitation.  Yes, it's okay, now is a good time, come on it.  Some days it burst open the door, and gets comfy on the couch, to stay awhile, before we've even taken a deep breath.   But when he is spiraling, the only resolution is to grieve.  It usually involves wailing, tears, trying to get away from us, tearing apart the room, and ending in a hollow stare and tears running down his face while we hold him.  Then some time alone to recover.  Time alone, but with us close.  When this happens, this is all that happens.  You turn off the stove, and dinner is late.  You miss church, the soccer game, school event, and grief takes over.  Thankfully, this cycle is less and less.  By allowing the cycle to happen, it has allowed him to grieve the loss.  Er's if different.  It's over abundance of activity.  It's a need for constant attention.  The desire for a bottle, to be cuddled, to be right where you are, doing just what you are doing.  It's the need to be close, really close, all the time.  It's separation anxiety.  And it's just beginning.  It's listening to her tell her story over and over again.  Trying to make sense.  It's answering questions about whose tummy she came from daily.  It's clarifying the unknowns over and over again.  It's falling apart when someone doesn't want to play her game with her.  It's taking rejection very personally.  It's over reacting to being told no.  It's an inability to deal with unpredictability.

Be present- this is hard.  Hard because it triggers every grief you own.  Don't shy away.  Don't hold back the tears for your own lost, even in the midst of theirs.  Don't give up and leave them to their own emotions.  If you are exhausted, and can't do one more minute, then stop trying to control it, just sit in the room and pray for them out loud.  If they are in the corner, completely shutting you out.  Stay anyway.  Sit in the room, even if you say nothing, your presence matters.  They fear the grief.  They need to see in you that the grief doesn't win.  Yes, you leaving might make the meltdown end sooner.  Our theory has been to let it take as long as it takes, but we aren't going anywhere in the meanwhile.  Even if it's just sitting in the room, doing nothing.

Professional help- there is no shame in seeking out help.  This parenting is not normal.  You don't have the tools.  You didn't sign up for this.  If you don't see progress, get help.  From some one who understands trauma, loss, adoption, attachment, and be willing to try something that feels strange.  Different kids need different approaches.  There is no one size fits all.

I said I was going to post more, and I've had this post running around my brain for awhile.  In the vein, that this blog offers me a place to put my thoughts down, and I'm not an expert.  At least not on parenting.  Or adoption.  Or really anything.  Except how to do laundry really fast to keep up.  I may be an expert on that.  So please don't take my words as if I somehow have this all figured out.  I'm just thinking through my life, and putting it down here.

In light of Mother's day, I'm going to write about grief.  Yep, that uplifting and encouraging topic.  Of wait, it's not.  Neither uplifting or encouraging.  So maybe come back to this next week.  I won't be hurt that you don't want to go there on this beautiful weekend.  So you've been warned.  Hard, heavy and yucky topic ahead.

Grief.  Mother's Day is a huge trigger of grief for me.  My own Mom died 11 years ago.  I talked to her in the morning, made plans, and hung up the phone without a second thought.  And less than 12 hours later, I was racing to the hospital, saying over and over again, "Please, no.  Please, no.  Your will, not mine.  But Please, no.  This can't be.  It simply can't be HAPPENING."  But it did happen.  Brain dead.  Organ donation.  Eating breakfast at an IHOP, while life goes on around you.  Then good-byes.  And then the final blow.  She is gone. Death.  Loss. Shock. Numb.  And the aftermath.

I had attended a funeral a month before all of this flooded my life.  There were parents standing over a small coffin.  And a Mother who somehow stood and shared, and I was in awe of her strength.  Which is a good indicator of how LITTLE I understood of grief.   The uncle shared his understanding of how grief feels.

"We are all walking along on this journey of life.  Walking along, checking out the scenery.  Beautiful, Life, Joy, Peace.  And we come to the part of our path that lead to grief, the ocean.  Some times it's a slow meander down to stand and watch the tide come in.  Sometimes, the path gives way underneath you and suddenly your drowning.   But there you are, standing in the ocean of grief.  Regardless of how one arrives, there you stand.  Well, standing might be a bit generous, more like flailing your arms, trying to get one good breath of air and feel your feet underneath you.

But you don't get to just walk out of the water and be done.  You make it to shore, you get your feet underneath you, and the only path leads along the water.  Well, actually through the water.   And so you take a few steps, and another wave comes.  And it washes over you.  And you lose your footing again.  You get mouthfuls of water, and your chest hurts to breath.  And when you get your feet under you, your so tired.  A few more steps ahead, and another wave comes.  And you repeat.  repeat.  repeat. repeat.  It seems endless.  It is endless, the path is long, and the waves make it hard to move forward.  And then one day, a wave comes, and you notice your feet don't move.  You're still out of breath, your chest hurts, you are wet, but your feet are planted firmly.  Sometimes the tide is out, and the waves just lap at your ankles, reminding you that you are still next to grief.   Good days, you stay dry and feel like you've came to terms.  Then a really big wave comes.   Your path now always has an ocean at one side.  Some days you forget it is there.  Then a significant date comes, and your standing in the waves again.  Or a song, or a smell, or a memory and  once again the path is headed back to the ocean.   You learn to feel when the path twist that way.  You learn  how to choose to visit the ocean when you need to.  You learn to let the path wander that way, get wet, and then move away from it. "

But I'm not the only one in our little family who lives this way.  My children live with this too.  They too have an ocean of grief that regularly pulls them in.  Their grief is bigger and greater than I could ever imagine.  So how does one parent a child in grief?  I'm not really sure.  Most days I feel like we're just trying to keep their heads above water, so they don't get lost in it.   But I think we've learned a few things.  From my grief.  From walking with them through theirs.

-Grief doesn't end.  You aren't going to love them enough to make up for the loss of their birth family.  Read that again.  I know as an adoptive parent we really want to believe our love will somehow save them from the pain of loss.  That in choosing them we will somehow compensate for abandonment.  That with all our therapy, attachment parenting, and good intentions we can somehow fix what is broken.  *I believe in therapy, attachment parenting and good intentions, it just doesn't fix all the brokenness that comes packaged up in their story.*  They are not going to have a day when magically they are done grieving.  When you've filled the hole completely.   You aren't going to be enough.  Yeah, I know - it sucks.  It really, really sucks.  It sucks more after two years, then it did after two months.  I'm willing to bet it sucks more after 20 years then it does now.  I don't have to be 20 years down the road to guess that.   There will be days they will long for their birth family.  Maybe not to live with forever.  But to know them.  To understand their own story through the key people.  To be held by them.  To know their voice.  To know who they look like.  Who has their laugh.  They will push you away, simply because you are not them.  You aren't what they want or need.  Because they are grieving.  Not because you are lacking.  Not because you don't love them.  Not because they don't love you.  But because you aren't what is missing.

-Grief is messy.  At our house, grief is loud.  It's defiant, and quite honestly exhausting.  It involves wailing.  It involves pushing away.  It is attachment rejection.  It's actually a pretty crappy guest.  It doesn't let you know  it's planning a stay.  It messes up the schedule.  It tears up bedrooms.  It thrives on chaos, on a busy schedule, on tired parents.  It's not easily appeased.  It requires attention.  It demands it.

-Grief matters.  How you allow your children to grieve matters.  How you react to your children's grief matters.  I don't have a lot of advice.  Other than as someone who grieves.  Don't tell them they are ok.  Don't give them platitudes.  Don't tell them they should be grateful.   Don't tell them you understand.  Unless you've lost your family, your culture, your language, your country, and everything you know.  In that case, relate all you want to.  But most adoptive parents have no ability to understand what their children have lost. Acknowledge that.  Be sorry, but leave pity alone.  Don't leave your children alone in their grief.  Be present in it with them.  Be strong enough to stay.  Don't turn away.  Don't take it personal.  Cry.  With them and for them.  Tell them their story is sad, and breaks your heart too. And mostly, pray.  Pray with them.  Pray God's word (Psalm 116) over them as they fall apart.  Hold them when they will let you, and sometimes even when they won't.  And pray some more.

-Grief heals.  This is the hardest to accept.  When grief happens, and it is walked through, there is healing.  When you stay put, and let the grief come, wash over, and the tide to go out, there will be healing.  It is hard.   It's hard to choose grief.  It's hard to go walking into the water, fearing you might drown.  But you won't.  You don't.  You come out having one less wave to get to healing.  And while healing is a life long process, it does get better.  Teach your children to grieve.  Speak to them about it.  Name the process.  Name the jumbled up emotions.  Give them permission to miss and long for their losses.  Have compassion for their story, long after they've come home and transition is over.   Accept that your child comes with grief.  Long term, not just in transition.  It may leave for awhile, but you can bet on seeing that shore line again. and again. and again.

Here is the amazing thing.  Grief is a great teacher about life.  And God will slowly begin to bind up the broken places.  He has recently brought me woman to start to fill some of those spaces left void without my Mom.  11 years of grief came first.  In part, my own stubborn desire to hold onto grief in lieu of my mom, kept me from being open to those relationships. In part, I just had to go through the grief process to this place of healing.    And that is my prayer for my children.  And my job.  To walk through the grief.  To allow the pain of grief to lead to healing.  





 

A year disappears

Yeah, so I suck at blogging. It sounded like a great idea. It is a great idea. And then almost a year goes by...and...no post.

So where does one begin again. Some days I think I have stuff to share. Experience to give others to learn from. And then we have a DAY, and I'm reminded how little I know.

So for now... pictures and an update is going to have to be enough.

We just started soccer. With 3 kids. Soccer + 3 kids = tired parents. We had our first full week. R slept three hours on Sunday afternoon. Because of the schedule, he has to take the kids to practice three days a week at 5:30pm. And then gets cold and wet for over an hour. Because spring soccer isn't a warm and dry sport where we live. And then, because we hate sleeping in on Saturday mornings, Re has 8:30am games. Every. Weekend. We're just lucky that way.

We just got a nice, big, fat tax return. It's how the US Government rolls when you have four kids, and one income. They give you money, thanking you for having an income. Sometimes I just have to shake my head and wonder. Anyways, we went all sorts of crazy with it.

We bought a 98% energy efficient.....furnace....

We rented USDA BLM cabins in the mountains for a week in the summer.

We paid for all the kids activities. Soccer, outdoor school, etc.

We went out to dinner. At a real restaurant, the kind that doesn't have a kids menu.

(We even had an appetizer and dessert- white chocolate creme brulee )

We put money in savings. This parenting thing is expensive.

We are still waiting on the IRS to cut us the check for the adoption refund. Family and Friends think we've made the whole thing up. Funny how we have to respond in 30 days, and they have 3 months to give a 'prompt' response. But they do give out money for being an employed citizen. So then again, logic isn't one of their trademarks. And we aren't waiting on to go on a fancy vacation. The siding and fence aren't going anywhere, or getting any better.

We are trying to figure out next falls school schedule. And drinking schedule. Seriously. Four kids, in four different schools. All three girls in transition years. Ce has applied for an early college high school program. P is hitting Jr. High. She didn't get into the charter school as hoped. We are still deciding on what the fall looks like for her. No simple solutions involved. Re is just going to go to the same school...sigh...Thank God. And Er is 2nd on the waiting list for a charter elementary school. So the fall...a little frightening.

And the big questions. How are Re and Er doing? How is our family doing? What does it look like now?

Most days are really good. Some days aren't. Some days are really hard. And the day can change quickly. Based on many factors. Only some of which we understand.

This does feel normal now. All of it. The four kid load. The grocery bill. The need for a protective cover over the thermostat. The juggling of the schedule.

R and I have worked hard, and figured out how to carve out US in all of this. Which is challenging on a daily basis. We both recognize the ability of our 'family' to rob us of our marriage. Sounds strange to you. You're welcome to a weekend at our house, and see if you've managed to have any sort of conversation that wasn't interrupted.

We are still churching up in Portland. We still love it. We still think it's slightly silly. We haven't been able to make ourselves think about finding one in the same place we live. And since our kids do so well with change, we haven't began to even think of the process. And honestly, we have grown so much in our understanding of the scriptures, church, the kingdom, and our role, we don't want to stop the journey we are on there, to find something more closer.

So there is an update. I'm at point to start processing through writing again. So I'm sure I'll start to post more. But don't hold your breathe...posting more may be 4 post a year. That like 4x more than last year.

Update

So how the heck did three months go by without me noticing. Seriously??

New News...

My brother and sister in law are expecting again. Which means I get to be an Auntie again. Which I love!!

I learned to corn row. This is HUGE in our world. We have been blessed with a lovely woman who is from Africa, and willing to teach us 'white mama's' what to do with our kids hair. Re has decided he wants his braided too. We shall see...

And the kids...

Well, it's been almost a year and a half. It feels normal now. It seems natural. Most days. Most days I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. But that also is starting to feel normal.

Re is doing really well in school. He is at grade level in second grade. We are awaiting ESL testing from this spring to see where we are at in language development. He is certainly fluent, and will ask if he doesn't understand. He is very literal. If you say dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes, you can bet at exactly 10 minutes, he will be at the table. The food issues are improving, and we are able to be reasoned with regarding food. He still struggles with being emotional with us, with eye contact, and yet is sure to give me a hug EVERY day before school. Er is a spit fire. She continues to see us as 'nice white volunteers'. Can't imagine why we would tell her no, or why she should listen to us. She makes us laugh with all her funny comments, and the attitude that comes with them. She is attending preschool, and will be going three days a week next fall. She continues to need a lot of attachment work. I can tell when we haven't had enough eye contact games, or connection moments. She talks often about being a brown baby. A brown baby in Haiti. That I fed and took care of. We spend a lot of time explaining that she had a brown mama in Haiti, who fed her when she was a baby. And a brown sister and brothers who took care of her. And then Molly and Joyce and the nannies. She is still trying to make sense of her story. It's always fun to hear her tell her story.

P has adjusted well. Which surprises us. She always surprised us. She is the sweetest big sister. She is playing the viola, and in choir. She loves to read to Er and most nights reads to her before bed.

Ce has struggled with the adjustment. Partly being 13 just sucks. Everything at 13 sucks. Having two 'new' loud and busy siblings suck. Sharing your parents with them sucks. And no one loves her. And no one cares about her problems. And. it. sucks. to. be. 13. I remember. So we get to practice grace. And be thankful we got at least one boy. Only two mores times through this stage.

R and I are hanging in there. We had no way of knowing the impact this last year and half would have on us, personally and in our marriage. We've made a pact. If one of us tries to leave, they get full custody of all four kids. You don't get to be the one that leaves, and the fun, part-time parent. You leave, you get to be the full time single parent. Seriously, we aren't going anywhere, but we are having to work hard at making it be good.

I wish I had something super exciting to post. Maybe that is why I haven't posted. Nothing exciting is happening. Which is a very good thing in our world. Seriously, a few months with nothing exciting is exciting.

Hysterics

Okay, so a friend of mine just mentioned that I forgot a part of the story. I have purposefully left it out. Why? Because up till now you think I have it together during all of this. That I had a firm grasp of reality and was functioning. However, that is not true. Really. If God had directed my ways, if I hadn't been leaning on him, and keeping my focus on his promises, we'd never made it to Miami.
So here is two examples of how I really functioned.
1. We needed pictures to send to request the visa's. I spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out how to scan the hard copy we had. It was a picture of us with the kids in Haiti, from our visit. I was kinda freaking out. A friend stopped over, and suggested rather simply that Target does that. Puts a picture on a cd, so you have a digital image. It was like I had never heard of that. Except that two years ago, I took an entire stack of pictures and negatives in to Target, to put on a disk. So off to Target, pictures on a disc, emailed off. Two days later, I realized I had a picture in my email that would have worked. Clearly not thinking clearly. God sent my friend, to help guide me through, when my mind wasn't working.
2. I booked our flights on the phone, and then was transferred over to the hotel reservation line. I book a hotel room, explaining that we needed one we could check in early. And also that had 24 hours shuttle, because we didn't know when we'd need to be shuttled. So we booked a room with early check in and 30 minute shuttle runs, and moved on to the packing. Those things didn't happen. Here is what happened, and my reaction.
-We got off our flight, and went to wait for our shuttle. We waited 45 minutes. Which didn't make sense, because it was suppose to run every 30 minutes. We call the hotel. They tell us they send the shuttle when they know someone needs picked up. And they will send it, and will be there in 15 minutes. Another 20 minutes go by. I insist that R call the hotel. They state it just left the hotel, and will be there in 5 minutes. We've now waited over an hour, I'm very tired, and just spent the night on a plane, not sleeping and reminding myself that there was enough air for everyone, and I wasn't really going to die because I had to share my personal space. ( I don't fly well ) The shuttle shows up, and we stumble on it. I don't say anything to the driver, but if looks could kill, he'd have been pretty dead. For some reason, I pictured him sitting there finishing a cup of coffee and reading the paper for the first entire time we waited.
We walk into the hotel, a nicer hotel that catered to business people, to find three men at the desk, checking in or out. So we set our bags down. And stand there and wait. For over 15 minutes. Not one of the three people working at the desk acknowledged us. We conclude that they aren't actually checking in or out. They are just talking. So I ask if we can be helped. We are told we'll be helped when they are done with the people standing there. Standing there visiting.
Another 10 minutes go by. I'm getting angry. I'm tired. I expect to be at least greeted. I expect them to at least make a feeble attempt at customer service. I'm tired, and irrational at this point. This is not a cheap motel, and we certainly were not getting a deal. I ask again, still trying to be nice, to check in. The young man informs me check in is at 3:00pm, and points to the sign on the wall. It was about 12:15. And I was about 3 minutes away from losing my mind. I explain that we were told we'd have early check-in. He informs me that they only do early check-in, if they have rooms available, and that housekeeping is working on them. He'd check with them and get back to us.
Another 15 minutes go by. He doesn't call housekeeping. One of the housekeepers walks by, he talks to them, and tells me he doesn't have any rooms available. Now check-out is at 11:00am. So I ask if they have had people leave at 11:00, and it's almost 12:30, then it seems reasonable that at least ONE room might be available. Nope, doesn't appear so. Now, I stomp over to the couch, lay down and try to calm down. This last all of 3 minutes. I go back to the counter, and tell them we need a room in the next 10 minutes, or they need to cancel my reservation, and I'll walk over to the Hilton and get a room there, which they will get ready for a paying customer. They then tell me they can't refund our money, because it was paid to the reservation line. So I call the reservation line, and they insist that the hotel's description includes early check-in. And they can't refund it, unless it's 24 hours prior. I didn't even make the reservations 24 hours prior.
So I go inform the clerk that they have told the reservation line they do early check-in, and need to get us a room, considering we booked them for that reason. He again said they didn't have rooms available. And I became hysterical. Really, look up hysterical woman, and there is a picture of me. Tired. Wrinkled. Mad as all get out. And about to rip this kid's face right off of him. *disclaimer- he turned out to be a nice kid, he was just doing what he'd been taught to do. I demanded a manager, in the next 5 minutes. I figured they had to have one on the premises and it wasn't that big of hotel. I demanded it loudly. A few minutes later, a manager arrived. I explained, while trying not to weep, what the situation was, without being melodramatic. We reserved a room, with early check in through this company. You are refusing to check us in. We want you to get us a room in the next 10 minutes, or call the booking company, explain you refuse to honor the early check-in and we will go to the hotel next door. She went to explain they don't do early check-in and I lost it on her. Really lost it. Something like this, "You have to be kidding me. You are in the service industry. You advertise with the booking agent, that you do early check-in. You advertise you do 30 minute shuttle runs. So you lied to them, and to us. We waited over an hour just to get picked up. Then we waited 15 minutes to get someone to acknowledge we were waiting to be helped. We were told we couldn't check in early, but we booked you specifically to check in early. Your clerk said he would check with housekeeping, but couldn't be bothered to pick a phone up and call them and explain the situation. You are now refusing to refund or cancel our reservation, even though you haven't provided 2 of the 3 things you advertised and we booked you for. WE'D HAVE RECEIVED BETTER SERVICE AT THE FRICKIN SUPER 8. So I'm going to lay down in 10 minutes to sleep. Either in a room here, that we've paid for. Or at the Hilton next door. Or on the couch in your waiting room. Or maybe in the doorway, so everyone can step over me. " And then I just broke down in tears, almost to the ugly cry. I just started to lose it. And this poor woman, looked a little bewildered. And then I realized she had no clue what the big deal was. Why we didn't want to leave our baggage, go out to lunch, shop and come back in a couple hours. I started to explain that our kids were coming from Haiti that night, we hadn't really slept in days, we just flew across the states, and we NEEDED to sleep. As soon as I started to explain our situation, the ugly cry started. I managed to get something like this out, "tired, flew all night, getting our kids from Haiti, tonight. Tired, need sleep. Can't wait another 2 hours. "
She seems to get a grasp of the situation, and called housekeeping. We had a room in 10 minutes. And the offer to come get us or take us at any time, regardless of the shuttle schedule or non schedule. And they were kind enough to give us blankets to take to the airport, which turned into a very good thing. They drove us to the grocery store, they really did redeem themselves. The poor kid, who I apologized too, as well as the manager, was actually just new and young. God somehow stepped in and kept me from using all the naughty words that were running through my head, that usually aren't filtered when I'm that tired and upset. That even though I was hysterical, and it took that to get their attention, I didn't do anything that would have made me a complete hypocrite.

One year ago

One year ago we were in Miami, and we were waiting for a moment that was years in the making, and were about to witness a miracle. It's still unreal to me, and I still feel overwhelmed as I process it.
I've already blogged about waiting in Miami, and getting them. So I'm just going to provide links to those post.

Part 1

Part 2

Tomorrow marks one year of Re and Er being with us. Unbelievable. Really.

Remembering Part 3

The 20th...the day started off with a lot of concern and frustration on our part. The US government was going to allow visa's to be issued, however we were asked by the Joint Counsel to stop petitioning for security, transportation, and water for the Embassy, to provide a safe place for the children to come and be evacuated out. So we knew they could come home, but the US Government would not be providing a safe haven for them during the process. It's easy to pass judgement on the US Government for this decision. However, as time has gone by and given me perspective, I see that they would have been making an empty promise. There was children evacuated out by the US, and they were waiting at the embassy and escorted out on US aircraft. However, to offer to provide this to hundreds, possibly over a thousand children, was not possible. I'm grateful now that they let GLA know they would have to provide their own transportation. It was really God not answering the prayer, knowing much better what the other options were.
The other exciting news was that another orphanage had evacuated orphans out successfully. BRESMA set the precedent that these kids could get on a plane, and be transported out safely, and be admitted into the United States.
I'm going to give you a run-down of the emails we received, followed by our reactions and what we were doing that day. Some of it is painful to remember, some is full of JOY. It's going to be pretty honest, and unedited.
6:52am -Do not panic...wait for word on what to do. We will let you know as soon as we can... Coming into MIA might not be the way this works out, so please do not make any plans. I promise we will let you know what to do-just stand by.
A few minutes later - And pray without ceasing and trust Dixie.
We fought the instinct to make plans. We check out tickets to all the major airports on the east coast, bookmarking the major ones. We continued to wrap up arrangements here. Work, kids, and all those little details. R left to work, kids left for school. It was crazy busy, and we knew we were just killing time. We were confident it would happen, just didn't know the when. I started to really think of the list that NEEDED to get done before we brought them home, and then prioritized it. I jumped every time the phone beeped with a new email or facebook post.
At 8:48am-PLEASE do NOT post to the Internet just yet - Dixie will be making an "official" announcement on the website and we ask that you keep this quiet until at least then. ATTENTION ALL US FAMILIES: The US Embassy has issued "humanitarian parole" visas for all our children in the adoption process to US families. This means we are sending the children out tomorrow (Thursday) on a flight to Fort Lauderdale Florida. We do not have specific flight details yet, but will let you know when we do. We need ALL families to come to Fort Lauderdale by tomorrow to pick up your child! Please bring supplies for your child - diapers, clothes, bottles, shoes, etc... Sorry, we do not have time to send out sizes to everyone, so just do your best guess.
This sent our hearts racing, and minds reeling. We called each other, and just were over the moon. OUR kids had visa's. Re and Er had a visa. They were coming home, and by the next day. We were holding our breath for a official GO. We notified family and friends. We started to get bags packed. I started to mark off things on the list that would never be accomplished. I moved getting coats and shoes for them, as well as travel supplies to the very top of the list. I started to make a plan for the day. I needed to meet a friend at the outlet, and needed to get shoes and coats. Part of the heartbreak of the day, in all honesty, came into this part of the day. I called our church to let them in on what was happening. I called a very good friend of mine. She told me she'd come be with me for the morning. Our friendship had been strained for awhile for various reasons, however I felt she'd be a great support while my mind was kinda racing out of control. I made plans to leave and meet another friend, based on her showing up at a certain time. I waited over a half an hour past the time we were suppose to leave, and she hadn't showed up. I left a note, and raced out the door. I was very saddened and disappointed by this friends actions. By the time I realized she wouldn't be coming, I didn't have time to figure out another option, leaving me by myself for the morning. This person had insisted she was there for me, and at one time we were best friends. It was disheartening. I was already overwhelmed, and I had no ability to filter my reaction when she texted me later, or even when it played out later. One of the lessons I learned through this experience is to ask help of those who are showing up, not those you'd like to show up, or feel should show up. I had many other friends who would have been there in five minutes. However, I quickly held onto a friendship that hadn't worked in a long time, wishing it wasn't strained. It was a sad part of the day, and still makes me sad.
Anyways, onto the rest of the day. I bought coats, shoes, and after a run to Target, had all the travel supplies we needed. I picked up paint samples for the kids rooms. I stopped off at a friends, to deliver paint samples. I came home for nap time, and to pack. I somehow managed to get R and I a couple changes of clothes together, and the kids bags packed.
While I was out and about I got these emails...thankful for Internet on a phone. Otherwise I'd have been stuck at home.
10:22am-Please stand by and be ready to travel… but please hold off until we know final travel details… I know this is hard, but we don’t want any false alarms… We will let you know as soon as we know the plan! BUT… BE OVERJOYED!
11:21am-UPDATE - We still do not have specific flight details. We are working on it and will let all of you know just as soon as we get the details.
In the meantime, it may be best NOT to purchase tickets yet. Please put tickets "on hold" or buy fully refundable ones - as plans for the day and/or city may yet change.
We will let you know just as soon as we can!
12:12pm- Just wanted to let you know that we need you to be on stand by and ready to come to Florida, but do not buy tickets yet until we notify you. We are still not sure of the date or location the children will be coming to, but we will let you know as soon as we do. Dixie is asking that you not call the orphanage or email, but wait until you are notified. If you need to call me, you can call the Colorado office. Thanks for your patience, I understand how you are feeling!
We continued to hold off on tickets. We were at a disadvantage being on the west coast. We had the farthest to go. It takes at least 12 hours to get from here to there. We knew we needed to leave that night if they were coming in the next night. We figured we needed to be on a plane by 11:00pm, if we were to hit the east coast by the next morning. We figured we could wait until 6:00pm to buy tickets. We had friends, who is a pilot in Florida, who offered to fly us anywhere on the east coast we needed to go, if we got to them. We figured we'd fly to Miami, be there in the morning, and then get to where the kids were. But we needed to get to the right side of the States before the next morning. It was nerve wracking. I doubted moment to moment if we should already be in the air. And yet, I knew it would do no good to get halfway to the wrong place. At about 4:20pm, R's mom stopped by to get instructions for the daycare, and the girls. I had daycare parents picking up that I was informing of the plan. It was a general mess around here. I had a couple friends dropping stuff off, and was trying to finish up packing so we could leave quickly.
At 4:42 pm- OK - Official news - The children will be arriving into Miami, Florida tomorrow late evening. The plane is scheduled to depart Haiti at around 7pm (and if it departs on time, will arrive in Miami around 9pm). Once we arrive, the children will be taken to another facility (I do not yet have the specific location), which is where you will be able to pick up your child. However, because of the late hour and the time it will take to get all the children through Immigration and settled, it's looking like most likely (although not definite yet) that we will have families pick up children the next morning. We need ALL families to go to the Miami, Florida area tomorrow. Get a hotel room there, let us know where you will be staying and how to reach you. And we will contact you once we have specific information on how to pick up your child. Please confirm with me that you've gotten this message so that we can be sure you will be there to get your child. Use this email address until tomorrow morning. After 10am eastern time, please use: (no longer important). All families - please be sure to print off all information that you emailed to Joint Council and the State Department. They are saying that these papers will be needed when picking up your child.
Also all families please be sure to bring necessities for your child - clothes, shoes, diapers, bottles, formula, etc... We will not be bringing much with us from Haiti.

I read this and my heart stopped momentarily. It was really happening. Even as I was packing our bags, I was hesitant to really get too excited. I was still holding my breath. I held my breath a looongg time, but I exhaled just a bit in that moment. Immediately, I booked tickets to Miami. We needed to leave in less than 5 hours. R walked into the door of chaos and confusion. We both had things to wrap up before we left, so I headed out for last minutes errands. The girls were a little freaked out at this point, and we had to remind ourselves to slow down and explain what was happening to them. Whatever exhaustion I had felt was gone, and the adrenaline was pumping.
We left our house at 9:00pm. A little bit more than 4 hours after the official go. One day after requesting visa's. It was all a little crazy. Okay, alot crazy. We had many moments where we just looked at each in disbelief. There was a moment at the airport as we waited to board our flight where I just stared at the kids bags, trying to comprehend that we'd be holding them very soon. That the clothes I'd packed, they'd get to wear. I'd be dressing them in it to come home. It was a shocking thought process.
We boarded the plane somewhere around 11:00pm. We flew through the night. We laid over twice, because you don't get to be picky when you book flights 4 hours before you board. We tried to get some sleep. We landed in Miami about 11:00am the next morning.
I'll leave it there for now. The next 48 hours were a wild ride. And I've covered them in detail before. I may go back and fill in some of the gaps.

Remembering Part 2

*an important detail that was shared at the time, but needs to be revisited. Our adoption file, the original documents, had been in the court system in Haiti before the earthquake. We had not heard that we had moved out of Courts, and were unsure where our paperwork was physically at. We received news on the 15th that our paperwork had been delivered from courts to GLA on the day of the earthquake. It was being prepared to go to get attested the next day. We were blessed to be able to physically have our file. This has made a huge difference in not just getting them out, but in getting citizenship.
Back to the 16th, day 4.
We sent our information to JCICS -Joint Council on International Children's Services. They were working with the State Department, USCIS and Department of Human Services. We were being asked for documents indicating we were in Visa stage, but we were no quite there yet. We continued to call Senators, Congressmen, the Clinton Foundation. By the end of this afternoon, I had lost my voice. It forced me to stop for a few hours and rest. I gave myself an afternoon to take a break, and rested my voice. I didn't answer the phone and turned off the computer. It was a much need period of rest.
The next day we continued to ask friends, family, and strangers to call Senators offices. By this point, Senator Wyden's office and Senators Merekley's office were both very supportive and also impressed with the amount of people calling us on our behalf. This day was one of the quieter ones. We were waiting on a decision regarding humanitarian parolee visas. We were waiting on our documents from GLA. We had called and emailed and everyone who needed to work on our behalf, said they would.
The 18th was THE DAY!! Okay, not THE DAY!! But a really good day. That afternoon we received an email from DHS and USCIS asking for documents we could provide. We were hopeful that something was coming together, for sure. That a plan was hatching. We received our documents from GLA later that afternoon. Within 17 minutes I had them downloaded and sent off to USCIS, our official request that our children would be given Humanitarian Parolee Visas, if and when they were issued. At this point there were solid rumors that it could happen, but nothing official. I was hesitant to get my hopes up until I got an official yes. At 6:50pm, we received an official email from The Department of State that there would be humanitarian parolee visa's issued for children from Haiti. We were able to determine that according to the guidelines, our children would qualify! They would be coming home. This day is also my Dad's birthday. I was hoping we'd hear an official word, and waited to call him for his birthday. I was able to tell him, Happy Birthday - they are coming HOME, SOON!!
We went to bed exhilarated that night. I couldn't sleep. I'd wake and think of one more thing we needed to do. One more trip to Target. One more call to make. We had no idea of a time frame, but it sounded like it would literally be a matter of days. We needed to let friends know what we needed help with. We needed to arrange time off work. To pick paint colors. To do laundry. To do..to do...to do....
The next day was spent just getting stuff in order. Completing the to-do list. Making calls and arrangements. It was a day that was vibrant with anticipation. We were giddy with joy and hope. God had shown up and there was no doubt that he'd moved the hearts of government officials, and the Haitian president. He had made months of paperwork, unnecessary. We were dancing in the after affects of an encounter with God.

Remembering...

I used to think it was just mean that every year the day of my Mom's death would roll back around. Couldn't we have a calendar that didn't repeat dates. However, as I've been reading the Old Testament, I realized something significant. It happens as you read the words of God. He uses it to teach you. Anyways, back to revisiting dates, and the Old Testament. There seems to be a pattern I've noticed. God did something significant. Noah built an alter. God did something significant. Abram built an alter. He visited the alter. He remembered. The Israelites see God reveal himself in a mighty way. They build an alter to mark the spot. They recognize it when they come upon it again. They remembered.
So maybe that is what the date is. A remembering. A time to look back and remember what God has done. To not forget. To not lose the lesson. To honor and praise God for what he has done. To remember what he is really capable of. Maybe God created us with a need to have a alter, a marking to remember by. Surely he knows me, and how easily I forget. It's easy to celebrate the good days of remembering. But the hardest days of our lives, it's just easier not to.
So while the remembering is painful, I remember. I choose to revisit the sorrow, to return to the healing. Part of the remembering, is writing it out for me. To fill in the gaps in the history, and to give ALL the GLORY to God that he so rightfully deserves.
So one year ago...
I was sitting down enjoying a quiet moment, remember my mom. Remembering how much she loved Jesus, how much she loved me, and how much of a gap in my life there is without her. I was praying for the strength to finish my day, and for the comfort and peace that only Jesus brings. Grief is a fickle fellow, and I remember that day he had taken up residence with me for the afternoon. He wasn't leaving until I had joined him in an ugly cry, and a time of mourning. As I was starting to recover, and see that this wave of grief would too pass, a friend called. She asked if I'd heard that Haiti had an earthquake? No, but I got off the phone to get on the computer and get details. I remember being numb at this point. No adrenaline rush, or even feeling of being overly concerned. On Facebook it had been posted that our kids were safe, as well as the staff at GLA. After that, I went to CNN, and got the first wind of how bad it was. How really bad it was. How blessed we were that our children were alive. I called R, or he called me. I know we had a conversation. I don't remember what we said, or even if we said much. I just knew we needed to have a connection. Then I prayed, and watched the news, and prayed. I remember feeling hopeless, frustrated, and scared. Scared that our children's hope of coming home that year had just been buried in the rubble. I remember being broken to my core that there was a possibility that our adoption may take years more to be completed, and not believing my heart could take that.
When R came home we just held each other. There were no words to say. We had no reason to believe it actually would be okay. It looked pretty dire. I had never heard of a humanitarian evacuation. My only thought was how we could possibly complete the end of our adoption with Haiti being in such chaos. We received calls, and each time we said we didn't know what would happen it seemed to become more real that they would be stuck in Haiti for a long time. It was one of the darkest nights of my life. To be honest, I had lost hope. I was looking at the earthly realm, and all it frailties as the only reality. And when you are in that place, it's dark and lonely. We were fearful for our children. We were sad that they had been through this horrible experience and we weren't there to comfort and to protect. The feelings of helplessness were enormous. As a mother, I wanted to get on a plane, boat, train, dingy, or flyer saucer to get to them. I wanted to walk through piles of rubble and rings of fire to hold them. And yet, I couldn't. Trapped and Hopeless. If you wondered why we didn't blog more those 10 days, it was because I tend to be unable to blog without being pretty honest. And I was way to vulnerable to put out there how I really was feeling. It looked like I was calm and confident. Nope, just crisis management training in action.
I drifted in and out of sleep. I'd fall asleep and jerk awake trying to figure out a way to get on a plane to Haiti. Twice I got up to get dressed to drive to the airport, only halfway through getting dressed realizing how little that would actually help, and how God was not directing me to do that. My pride was telling me that I just needed to get there and I'd take care of getting them home. That God wasn't going to have this one - I was. And then he'd remind me that wasn't truth. And to go back to bed.
The next day I remember sending R to work, and the kids to school, and crumbling onto the couch, and going to the really ugly cry. You know, the one where your whole body heaves and there isn't time to catch your breath. The kind that breaks your soul wide open, and leaves you raw and open. And God spoke gentle, soothing words into that gap. He brought me back to Isaiah 43. Reminded me of his promises. And gave me a new promise. Isaiah 43:6. "I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." It was a balm to my raw soul. I held onto those words tightly, like a worry stone. Going over and over them, rubbing them when my soul would seize up with worry. I spent the day trying to get as much information about the earthquake, watching news story after news story, refreshing facebook, and searching for any update. I answered calls from friends and family asking if we'd heard anything. I didn't have answers, but every news story seemed to get worse and worse.
Those first few days were dark, and I spent alot of energy fighting off the lies of despair. It was truly a spiritual battle. Would I believe God was really big enough? Would I have faith when the odds were so against us? Did I really trust him to hold my children in his hands when I couldn't have proof of it? It's easy to have faith when the evidence is obvious. It's easier to have comfort when your in pain, even if you don't like the circumstances. But to surrender it all, and trust when all the facts point to a hopeless situation - well, that is a whole other story. To be willing to accept defeat, and to choose to have faith in spite of defeat, brought me to a new place with God. If it all fell apart, would he be enough to heal and sustain? I'd like to think I can say after those few days the answer if yes. That I know without a shadow of doubt. But there is this part of me that remembers the doubt. Remembers the pride. Remembers how easy it was to fall into despair.
Once we started to hear that there was a way for the kids to come home, all my energy went into making it happen. God had provided a way, and I was going to hold up my end. I couldn't get on a plane, but I could contact every 'important' person to beg, plead, and beg some more to hear my kids story. We were blessed by the friends, families, and strangers who acted on our children's behalf. We spent the next day or two calling, emailing and calling again everyone we could think of who might have the slightest influence on the US Government agencies that needed to act. By the 15th, three days later, we were starting to see the possibility of getting them home becoming a possible reality.
One of the hardest part of those first days was feeling like we were focusing on our own need to have the kids home, and not being able to focus on the needs in Haiti. That the attention we were drawing to our story, wasn't bringing the needs of Haiti into the spotlight. We had to remind ourselves that GLA asked us for this specific help, that only we as adoptive parents could provide. We had to trust that God would reveal through the media attention that which he wanted revealed. The media attention is a whole other aspect of those days that still makes me cringe a little. That we sought out the spotlight. That we were news worthy. Understand clearly - we needed the media. We know that the media coverage made a difference. However, R and I, had a hard time with it. It felt prideful. I remember when Koin 6 called me wanting to just ignore the call and not go there. Maybe it's growing up in a small town and having everyone know your business, maybe it's not feeling worthy of the attention. I don't know. I just know that is was hard to do. And it was hard to do on our own behalf, and not want to just plead with people to give to Haiti. To let it be about us.
Well, that was a longer post than I intended. Alot to remember. Alot of gaps to fill in. I'm still skimming over some of the details, but some aren't worthy of remembering or no longer seem significant once held under the microscope of time and perspective.
Well, I got to day 3 of 10. I'll be back with days 3-6 in the next couple days. Those were some really GOOD days. God showed up in some big ways. Ways I've not shared before. Ways I've held to myself, in part because I'm selfish and didn't want to share. In part because I haven't taken the time to remember and write it out. But remembering is good for the soul.

2010

What a year the last year has been. Last year at this time I could not have imagined what the following 30 days would bring.
To be honest, since my mom died in January eight year ago, I've always spent the last week in December bracing myself for the month to come. It's got a history in our family. And generally it's not a time period I look forward to. People die in January in my family. Last year, we were just praying for no bad news in January. We had no idea that just around the corner was a life defining moment, unlike any we could have imagined.
In retrospect, what have I learned from the last 12 months. A lot, and very little. The more I learn of God, the more I realize I know soo little. But in an attempt to not lose the lessons, I'm going to try to summarize them. Which probably won't work. I can get a little long winded.
-God is a God of COMPLETION. What he begins, he finishes. It may be in a different time frame than we wish or not the outcome we had hoped for, but he does complete the work. His desire is that we surrender to his completed plan, not our own.
-God will provide. Ok, we knew that. What we didn't really understand is that the means he has to provide is through each other. He doesn't drop balloons of money out of the sky, although he could. He ask that those who love him, to show up with food, clothes, money, or just a hug. And when they do, he is present in all those encounters. In the moments when we hear his Holy Spirit say, "Give to them, Give here, Hug them, Bring them dinner, Buy them groceries, Give them the kids coats." That is God providing for those who love him, by those who love him.
-God is the Healer. We are not. He will restore our children's trust. He will heal the wounds of abandonment. He will build the strands of attachment. We need to show up and do the work, be obedient to him, and love the kids with all our might. But he is the healer. He heals through every hug, every cuddle, every time out, every time we stay present in the grief and allow them the safe place to let it out. He deserves all the GLORY in the progress our kids have made.
-Marriage is not easy when your both at a level 7 stress all the time. It changes the dynamics between you, and you will need a whole new level of understanding and grace to get through it.
-God's word is the main source of spiritual nourishment. That when you live in a level 7 stress level, you better be eating well. I've also learned that God's word in not meant to be taken in antidote moments, one verse here, one verse there. It's a story to be understood in it's entirety. It's God revealing himself, in each encounter with us, and each encounter teaches us something. However, if you really want to see a complete picture of God, you have to see all of it. This has been an important spiritual foundation that I'd been missing.
-Church, especially the American church, is quite honestly disillusioned. It isn't biblical, and quite happy to stay that way. It has chosen what of the bible to teach, to apply to itself, and is largely just a reflection of the American culture, and not a reflection of Jesus. I don't mean to offend, but we can't ignore how Jesus called us to live, and how the church calls us to live, and the huge gap between them. This is really another post, in and of itself. So I'll leave it there.
-Peoples true characters come through in crisis. We learned this year, who was willing to show up and be present, when it was ugly around here. We learned who just wanted some of the attention. We learned to let go of the relationships that were unhealthy, as we came to a point where there was no more energy to give them. We learned that when we release those relationships, it frees up space to allow other relationships to grow.
-People will make assumptions about you, based on a small amount of information. Don't take it personal. Those assumptions may be positive or negative. Don't take either too seriously. Their opinion isn't the one that matters.
-Love doesn't require the other person to love you first. Real LOVE doesn't. Christ like love, loves when it's not returns. Christ like love, loves when there is anger and frustration. Christ like love, forgives without being asked. Christ like love, says I love you, knowing there is no I love you in return. That the real test of love, is loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving in the pain. Loving in the anger. Loving in the impossible.

That sums it up. It's been a big year for our family. I'm attempted to pray for a quiet year in 2011. But I'm afraid that God might just give it to us. And as nice as it sounds, I don't want to waste a year in complacency. I want God to move mountains in 2011. I want to be part of miracles. I want to be part of where God is working. However, it's not about what I want. So instead we surrender to his completed plan, whatever that may be.

Christmas

I don't know if I have the language to describe the last 3 days. It was all I hoped it would be, and more. There were moments that were perfection. Moments of holiness. Moments of understanding and comprehension. Moments that brought me to tears, and more than a few that brought my soul to it's knees.

God is a God of completion and perfection. It's hard to see and comprehend that in our broken, ugly world. Christmas time reminds me gently and softly that he came to save us from this ugly, mean world. And he came in humbleness. He came like no man would have come. Like only God would. Completely humble and perfect in it's plan. And that he came knowing that most would not respond. And yet, for those who would, he came. And stayed. In the mundane, everyday, messy moments of our lives. And then that he'd use me to reveal himself into this world- that brings my soul to it's knees in humble understanding.

And that he is coming. That we are not meant for this world for long. That Christmas is also the anticipation of his return, and the return of all things to how he designed it. Without the ugly, without the broken, without the pain. Christmas time with family and friends, with gifts being shared, food being enjoyed together, past hurts and current pains being put aside for a day, reminds me of what is to come, not for a holiday season, but forever. The feast to come is reflected in the softness of the warm yeast rolls, the savory elk steak, the favorite glass of wine, and the perfectly made fudge. The Christmas Eve service, with corporate worship that filled my spirit with longing to see my Jesus, is a small sampling of what is to come as the saints march into the New Jerusalem. That the hugs and sweet conversations with family and friends, will be but a shadow of the perfect and complete relationships we will share for eternity. Christmas makes me remember and long for what is to come.

Now, what most of you really want to know about - the kids. Christmas was exciting, and I believe it rose above all their expectations. They were thrilled with opening presents and all the attention. We enjoyed watching them in their excitement. We enjoyed the sweetness of their mere presence this year. We saw God's provision and grace poured out on them and us. They soaked it all in, and my prayer is that the last three days solidifies even more how loved, desired, and anticipated they were. Re especially has wanted to know what we did for Christmas when he wasn't here. Knowing we had his stocking from 2 years ago, and his ornaments from the last 2 years, helped him to understand how much they were ours before they came home. And how deeply entrenched they are into our family. Er was just content knowing those presents under the tree were for her. Ce and P were thankful that while some things were different this year, many things were the same. And that the things that were different, were better. They reaped the benefit of parents who were able to be wholly present in their Christmas this year.

As for R and I, well...this year has been anticipated for many years. Four to be exact. For four years we had children that weren't home for Christmas. That weren't home to pick out the tree, decorate it, put presents under, bring home the nativity coloring sheet from church, wake you up Christmas morn, or snuggle in your lap in new pj's. Every part of Christmas was mixed in sadness, for what was missing. The sweetest of this year, was the fulfillment of God's promise to us. God's promise four years ago when we began this crazy process to have more children. God's promise when I left them in Haiti. God's promise in January, when all hope seemed lost. God's promise in the moments when it was too hard, when grief was all we saw, and God's healing touch was the only solution. He has shown up. In mighty and grand ways. And we aren't deserving. Trust me, we aren't. We aren't deserving of any of it. It is by Jesus humbleness and grace, his willingness to come down and be our Savior, that our cries are heard. It is his humble, gentle presence in our individual hearts and our family, that healing is happening. It is HIM who moved mountains. It is HIM who is healing. It is HIM who has blessed us. We are humbled. Daily. Christmas just bring the focus back to HIM. In remembrance and anticipation.

Christmas is in the air...

And this year it's all sweet. The last two Christmas's have been bittersweet. The first one after our referral was a little bittersweet, but we didn't have a real attachment yet. It was sad that Re and Er weren't here, but we were hopeful they'd be home by the next Christmas. Optimistic, but naive.
Last year, was full of bittersweet moments. We know by October, that it wasn't going to be that they'd be home. But we had held them in July. We knew the sound of their voices. We knew how they felt in our arms. We could imagine their excitement and expressions of being overwhelmed. We knew just what we wanted to get them for Christmas. So every tradition had an edge of longing to it. Getting the tree, we wished they were there. As we got our the ornaments we had bought for them the year before, we ached to have them put them on the tree. As we opened gifts, I thought of them opening gifts without a Mom and Dad to ooohhh and ahhhh. I thought of them going to bed on Christmas Eve, wondering if someone had to tuck them in over and over again, as they tried to stay awake to catch a peek at Santa. I prayed someone reminded them that it all was really about the gift of GRACE that Jesus was.
This year - it's all sweet. Getting to enjoy them as they ran around the tree lot, hiding amongst the trees and drinking hot chocolate. The JOY that cascaded down my soul as they pulled out the ornaments I've lovingly chosen just for them the last two years, and carefully hung on the tree. The sense of anticipation that Re exudes everyday as he counts down the days. The way Er says "It's Christmas, Jesus Birthday. We have party in the park with party hats." Hearing Jingle Bells 22 times an hour. Listening to them remember what Christmas was like in Haiti at GLA. Answering questions daily about what we do on Christmas. Explaining again that yes we will make Christmas cookies.
And as I personally meditate on what the gift of Christ coming to earth mean to me, I'm again amazed at how adoption is a perfect picture of God's redemption of me. That Christ was my dossier. He was the adoption cost, the approval, the authorization that I needed to be an daughter of God. That just as I stood before authority and vowed to provide for the needs of my children, and give them the same rights and privilege as biological children, Jesus stood before the authority of God and vowed to provide what I needed, that I'd have the privilege of being in his family.
And the amazing thing is this, he doesn't demand that I love him, despite all he did. And as a parent, there are days it's tempting to demand it. To guilt, to manipulate, to try and force it. And yet, he could and he doesn't. He wants so much more than that. He wants us to choose to love him.
That he came as a humble human being. He took on the body of a mortal. That the infinite God, become burdened by humanness. So I could relate to him. So I'd know he'd been where I'd been. So I could relate to him. It makes no sense. That he created prophesy, and fulfilled them all, so I'd have a reason to believe. So mankind would see his faithfulness. His perfect faithfulness. So he would be known to me. I just can't get my mind around it.
However, I do know this. He is a God of Redemption. Through the birth of Christ. Through the fulfillment of prophesy. Through the deliverance of me from my sin. Through the healing of grief. The very fact that my children are here.

Thankful for...

R- his willingness to stick around through anything. For putting up with my mood swings, craziness, and somehow loving me through it all.

Ce-her tender and kind heart. Her willingness to be an extra pair of hands and eyes.

P-her sweet and loving spirit. For her quiet and loving affection. For being willing to take on being a big sister with a loving heart.

R-his energy and openness to having a new family. For his acceptance of us and openness to being loved.

Er-her ability to keep us on our toes and in lots of laughter. Her excitement and joy over the possibility of what tomorrow brings



For the love and support of our family and friends this last year. For our home, that is dry and warm. For medical care and antibiotics. For food and water. For warmth and light.



This last year has been full of lessons. We couldn't have imagined this time last year, what the next 12 months would hold. Or the lessons to be had.



If there is one lesson we are most grateful for it is this...

God is who God is, regardless of our situation. He is a God of redemption and restoration. That fact is not dependent on how I feel in the moment, or what the situation looks to be. He has restored and redeemed. He is restoring and redeeming. Right now. In the moments when the grace is evident. And even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it's ever going to be okay. Especially in those moments. We are grateful for all those moments.



We came close to losing our two children in January. No matter how others viewed our relationship with them, they were our children, as much a part of us as our biological children. The fact that they lived in another country didn't change that. There were moments of sheer terror that they'd never live in our family. That an earthquake was going to somehow disrupt God's plan. But God is who God is...regardless of the facts in the moment. And he redeemed the situation. In the moments we thought there was no hope, he was already working out the details. His ability to move mountains wasn't based on our faith. He is who He is.

And in the moments of incomparable grief, when healing seemed to be an impossibility - God was binding together their broken hearts. When we wondered if we'd ever start to feel like a family, he was creating bonds between us. When we looked at the checkbook, and it felt as if there wasn't enough, he was already bringing provision.

God is who He is. He is the God of redemption. Not just one time at the cross, but daily in our relationships to him and to each other. I'm grateful for so much, but if it all was gone tomorrow I'd still be grateful for a God who is.

Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.

Halloween

We trick or treated last night. For the first time. Seriously, we have NEVER really taken the kids out to the neighborhood to knock on strangers doors for free candy. All the 'right' reasons behind this decision. Blah, blah, blah...until we found ourselves without a church carnival to attend (which for the record, we could have gone back to our old church and would have been welcomed, but it would have been confusing for the kids) and a beautiful evening and kids having fun. Re exclaimed, "Mom, Life is good, let's not change anything!" Ce and P, who also had never trick or treated, were enjoying this funny American tradition for the first time also. It was really fun to do as a family. They looked out for each other, said Thank You's and we were proud that they were ours. So while, we know it wasn't probably the most Christian right thing to do, I can't help but grin when I think of our kids walking together, helping each other avoid the curbs in the dark and sharing their stash when we got home. So our first Halloween was a raging success!

Just think of Christmas a coming...

FUN Stuff

Just a few fun updates...
-We have citizenship papers for Re and Er. They are legit to be here for as long as they like. And to come back if you they don't like it and leave, and discover it wasn't so bad after all. Or if we decide to fly them out of USA boundaries, we can bring them back. Or if we move out of country, we all can come back and visit. (All of which are possible)
-After an hour and 15 minutes at the eye doctors, the conclusion was this: Three oldest children all really want glasses. All three oldest children have perfect, or better than perfect sight. All three children are disappointed by this SAD news. Mom is standing back, shaking her head, remembering the trauma of ugly 80's glasses at age 9. Youngest child, clueless about glasses, will be receiving a pair of bright pink/orange pair in a week. Other children insanely jealous. Mom does not remember her siblings being jealous about her great rose colored glasses she received as her first pair. Mom thrilled to hear she is a candidate for Lasik -even though she now has very cute green pair of glasses. A morning of irony.
-Er is feeding the dog, three days worth at a time. Which explains why the dog food bill has increased three fold. And why the dog is having a harder time jumping up on the bed.
-School is going well. Homework is being done with minimal complaint. So far no late turn-ins. It is October, so I don't expect this to last.
-We have made an exciting decision for our family. Out of conviction, and a desire to be more of the people and family God desires for us; we are now attending Solid Rock, A Jesus Church. While we are missing our Dayspring family, it is with their blessing we have moved on. We are excited about what God is doing at Solid Rock, and feel blessed to be a small part of it. We are taking the next 9 months to just grow. To be prepared to serve. This is the first time in 10+ years we haven't actively been involved in ministry. But God has been clear - this year is a year of preparation. We are excited to see what God is preparing for us. We have no idea, but our prayer is that he'd be preparing the work of our hands, as he prepares our hearts.
-The cool thing about going to church in Portland, we are already in Portland once a week. So we might as well take advantage of it, and do the fun stuff Portland offers. I'm always thinking, we should go do this, and then we don't because it's sooo far away, in Portland. But since we are already there, it's not so far away anymore. So if you have any ideas, of cheap or free Portland places or events, let me know.

Well, time is up. Er is helping herself to cereal. Kids will be running through the door, and I won't be able to put a whole sentence together.

Hole in our Gospel Chapter 4

Okay, I've read the entire book. But blogging it seems to be taking me much longer. But this process of putting it in, and then putting it out seems to be cementing it in. Which is exactly why I stalled in the process. This isn't easy stuff to put in and then put out, and cement in. To say this has been life changing is an understatement. Some of which we are not free to share on a public forum as of yet. So it's hard to blog honestly, while not being able to be fully honest. I either spew it all, or keep it in. Alot like vomiting. Either it stays down, or it all comes up. Yep, blogging is my brain and heart vomiting over the Internet.

So I continue on with Chapter 4 - holding back a little.
Isaiah 58 summed up...
God "I see you going through the motions and how people are impressed, and yet I'm not happy with you. I want more than your attendance at church, your tithe, your fasting. I want you to care. To care about those who are oppressed, hurt, poor, and naked. I want you to bring my kingdom to them, and when you do - I WILL SHOW UP."
The other part, the part I'd like to gloss over is quoted here by Richard. "So he suggested in this passage something that ought to stun our own beliefs about prayer-that because of their hypocrisy, He would not even listen to their prayers! We take it as foundational that God will always listen to our prayers, but this passage suggests that we should not expect God to listen to prayers offered by insincere hearts." WOW - that sends shock waves of fear and awe through my spirit. He is the GOD of the UNIVERSE - he is not obligated to listen to me whine about needing more, when I'm not doing his work. How often I've prayed and wondered if God was just saying no. Now, maybe he was saying, "I'm ignoring your religiosity, come to me when you are ready to hear me above your whining, I got work for you to do and then I'm going to blow your mind."
Richard then goes on to break down Matthew 25. So here I am feeling awfully convicted. Not because of what Richard has written, but because of what Isaiah says. And then, there is this Matthew 25. The summary...God is coming back, and all will stand before him. He will sort them out into two groups. So far so good, I'm thinking. So I'm thinking it's got to be -Those who believe in Christ, those who don't. Those who are written in the book of life, those who aren't. Those who are ashamed, those who aren't. But it's not. The two groups are these - Those who feed the hungry, cared for the poor, visited the prisoners and those who didn't. The righteous and the unrighteous. As determined by how they treated other humans, the least of these. Righteousness determined by how we LOVED those who were hurting, and in turn LOVED him. And the amazing promise to the righteous- You are blessed, you have an inheritance, and I've prepared a place for you in my kingdom. And to those who turned their back on him, as they ignored the hurting - the promise is equally powerful. 'Then they will go away to eternal punishment".
So God sees past our outer appearances, and when our hearts aren't lined up to his, he may choose to ignore our petitions. And when our hearts are lined up with his, when they are broken for what breaks his, and we do something about it, he promises to 'you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.' And when we stand before him, we will be judged our not just our church attendance, but if we did something about what breaks his heart. That is how he will know we loved him.
It's not earning our way into heaven. That is through grace alone. However, if we are in relationship with God, and our hearts are becoming like his, it will show up in our lives in the way we treat the least of these.
This is what I come away with, personally.
Anita, you say you love Jesus. And if church attendance and tithing is good indications of that - then your golden. Unfortunately, they are not. They are not bad things, and are certainly necessary. But don't be content with them alone. God is not. He asks more of you. He ask that you love him tangibly, here on earth, by caring and loving the least of these. And if you do, he has an eternal reward. If you don't, know that there will be a time of accounting. And your earthly excuses will be sooo lame in light of the throne of heaven, and the tribes of the nations. So just a little convicting. Alot convicting. And we have been praying for answers about what to do with that conviction. And some of the answers have been quite painful. Some have been surprising. Some are still unanswered. At this time, we know that we are not doing what God has commanded of his people. I know that most would consider us to be quite okay in this department, adoption and all. But I've come to realize we will not be judged against other Americans. If so, we are probably pretty safe. Nope, we will be held up to the light of the throne of God. And surrounding us will be the tribes of the world. So we may be standing next to the African widow, who regularly shared her food with the orphan. Or the Chinese man who risked his life to give a bible to his neighbor. Or the missionary in a third world country who lived with the physical restraints and discomfort that comes with that. In light of that, I hang my head in shame. Covered by the blood, but with an awareness of the patheticness (not sure if that is really a word?) of what is going to come out of my mouth when I stand before him and account for my life.
So prayer about what is next. . . wish I could share more. Wish I had more answers, but right now there is just alot of questions. But God is preparing us for something. The answers we have are challenging and are testing us for something.

I wrap up with this quote, Matthew 25 put into modern language and culture by Richard.
"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."

Busyness...

Oh how it's been busy around here: REALLY, REALLY busy...
here is the good news-
-we have an appointment for immigration in September. Once we go and present our documents, turn in the forms, get fingerprinted and write one more big check, then we should have two new American citizens amongst us!
-we are preparing for school. R has made significant progress in reading comprehension, and math this summer. P is excited to be able to see her friends daily. CN has also made progress in math this summer, and hopefully will continue the progression to grade level in the next year.
-we spent a long weekend with my family, and got to introduce R and Er to my childhood home. They swam in the same spot in the river, ate at the truckstop and got to go fishing with Grandpa.
-we enjoyed a fabulous visit with the famous Joyce and Molly- famous to those GLA families. They are two of the most beautiful woman, and their hearts for our children is unbelievable. They brought some of R and Er's belongings from Haiti, as well as coffee and ketchup. The visit seemed to be a turning point with R, and he has been more open to connection than ever before.

Six Months Ago...

We were on a plane headed to Miami. Our kids would be flying out that evening. We were tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. We were trying to figure out how one prepares, and realizing they don't. We were trying to figure out what the next 24 hours would involve. We didn't have any idea what to expect. We didn't expect this...



Er pees in the shower. Not while taking a shower. Pulls her pants down, squats over the edge and pees. Explains the smell that I haven't been able to get rid of in that bathroom.



Re just caught a spider in his bare hands. A good size one. He asked to keep it. I said no. So he smushed it on my counter. The take it outside part only came after it was dead. His explanation, "My mom didn't want it."



Re was watering the roses. Er wanted a turn. She walked right up to him. Right up the stream of water. And then got mad at him that her tank top was wet.



All four kids share a room to sleep. They sleep in different arrangements. They sleep in different spots. It's not unusual for there to be someone on our floor. Sleeping arrangements are very fluid right now.



That there would be over $5000 in just medical and dental expenses after insurance. Okay, this we should have known, but we just didn't really give it too much thought.



How exhausted this process of transition is. On them, on us. How much energy it would take to meet the basic needs on a daily basis. Forget the extras like laundry and dishes. How much it would take out of us emotionally to see our children in so much pain.



That our children would struggle with missing Haiti so much. I said I knew that. I thought I knew -- I could not have. That I'd feel so inadequate in those moments. That I'd be so helpless. That there would moments I'd doubt that this benefited them at all. Or was just really selfish on our part.



That our marriage would change. Not like when we had biological children. Not like other life changing events. But that we would both be so changed by our new life, our marriage would have to change to survive.



That these last six months would make us rethink everything we thought we knew. About parenting. About marriage. About loving God. About church. About serving him. About following him. About obedience and trust.



I've said all along that adoption is not for the faint of heart. If that is true, than parenting adopted children are for the warriors. The kind of warrior that goes to bed exhausted, wakes up exhausted, but puts on the gear to fight another day, knowing the battle at hand matters. The kind that steps up to the front lines and says, "I have won the battle, for MY God promises it to be so." and then holds a grieving child. The kind of warrior that says to her leader, " I do NOT understand, but I will GO and DO that which you ask, trusting your supreme understanding."

I'm learning how to be that warrior. I'm learning how to lay down my own desires, for the good of who I serve. I'm learning how to not only love my children, but to be the mother God desires me to be. The woman God created me to be. And it's hard work. It's draining, and some days I think I can't do another day. And then the cry of my heart is heard by the God for the universe, and I have the strength to continue on. That we are adopted by him, and not just brought into the family, but parented. Encouraged, disciplined, loved through action, and being grown.

Hole in our Gospel ... Chapter 3

Yes, I skipped blogging chapter two. It's a run-down of Richard Sterns own personal journey to CEO - how God orchastraed it. But I'll come back to it at the end of the Chapter 3 rundown.



Chapter 3 -

You lack one thing...Matthew 19:16 -the story of the rich young man, who Jesus sees past his desire to be patted on the back, and calls to his attention the condition of his heart. Putting myself in the story, it goes something like this...

I'm talking with Jesus, "So what am I doing that will assure my good standing with you in heaven?" I'd be thinking, I have this figured out. I do bible studies, although I could do better- he'll probably mention that. I go to church regularly, and rest on the Sabbath. I tithe, and technically I give on my gross income not my net - so I've got the whole giving thing in the bag. And I pray. I talk over decisions with God, and am willing to follow his direction. No new car, okay God, I'll wait. I've got this Christian life figured out. In my self righteous bubble, he'd use me as an example.

And Jesus would give me a few seconds, look into my eyes and say, "If you want the life I have for you, follow the laws God has given you." And I'd gulp, because I'd remember Leviticus and Numbers. But then I'd think of Grace, and the freedom from the law. I'd look him right in the eye, and in all seriousness say, "Which ones?"

And when he replied, "Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother and 'love your neighbor as yourself'" I'd sigh in relief. Because I've been pretty good at those, and Grace covers when I've failed. And I see Jesus looking at my unexpectedly, hoping I'll take it one step further. Hoping I won't be satisfied with the safe answer. Hoping I'll desire more.

And I do, so I ask, "What do I lack, Jesus?" And I expect him to say, "Your good." And the Jesus I've been taught all my life, would say that. But Jesus in Matthew 19 says something completely different. He looks at me, at my $100 shoes, and $4 coffee's and says, "Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." And I picture him a little sad as he says it, knowing that my response won't be one of enthusiasm. It will be one of appall. What - sell everything?? Follow you, WHERE?? Isn't that irresponsible. Irrational. Unreasonable. He'd see past all my good intentions, all the times I served with false pretenses, all the times I choose to spend time doing my own thing instead of his, he'd see what my heart really desires. He'd see my plans to gather more stuff. To earn more money. To be more successful.

And the young man in Matthew 19, turned away sad, because he had great wealth. He couldn't surrender it all. And when I read this story before I thought, I'm not wealthy. I live simply. We have a modest income, just enough but not too much. We give. We aren't the wealthy. But then I went to Haiti, and we are the wealthy. And this story took on a whole new meaning.

I agree with Richard, God doesn't ask all of us to sell everything and move to a third world country. But he does ask for absolute surrender. A willingness and readiness to do just that, if he should ask. A order in our lives that puts him so far above all else, that selling everything is a simple sacrifice. That our lives would be about eternal significance instead of worldly success. And I've been that rich young man, who turned and walked away. It was too much to give up. His terms were too great.

The Prayer of Jabez....
I've read this book. It concludes that if we pray for God's blessings, we will receive them. If we pray for an increase, God will provide one. Do A - Get B. Back when I read it, there was a gap in it. Why didn't the martyrs pray like this? Wouldn't God have spared them? Why don't the poor in third world countries pray this, and God will change their situation. Why are there really godly people that can't pay their bills after a job loss. Maybe because God's blessings aren't what we consider blessings. Maybe his increase is different than our increase.

Frodo and The Ring of Power...
Ahhh...Frodo...just throw the ring in the hottest part of the fire. Let it go. Don't put it away. Anita, give up the house, the balance in your bank account, the security of regular income, and the $4 coffee's. Ummm...I'd like to keep at least one of those. The years I grew up poor, left a wound on my heart, that longs for the financial security and lifestyle in a deeply spiritual way. That makes the thought of living without - terrifying. On a core level. That can't be satisfied with a pat answer. That needs much, much more than a cliche to allow me to let go of the ring. That will need the power of who God is. And our financial situation currently is requiring me to deal with this anxiety. And I don't like it, frankly. Because I got enough to do. But God clearly is offering healing to this wound. And I'm reminding myself daily to surrender to him ALL things. To throw the ring in the fire, to let it go.

Richard ends the chapter with the story of how God wove together situation after situation to clearly define the path ahead. And how he became broken during the process. But back to Chapter two. Richard is counting the cost of taking the CEO job at World Vision, and he gets down to brass tacks. And as I read this, I heard my own voice saying the same things. "But, Lord, I don't want to do this. This will wreck my life. Don't send me to the poor, Lord- anywhere but there. But I can't do this, God. Not poverty, slums, hunger, disease, dying children, grieving parents - don't ask me to go there, Lord. Not into so much pain and suffering and despair. In those few seconds, all of those issues flashed through my head, because, you see, in my heart I knew what was at stake. God was asking me that day to choose. He was challenging me to decide what kind of disciple I was willing to be. Two decades earlier I had bet the farm on Jesus Christ and now he was asking me to hand over the deed. What was the most important thing in my life? He wanted to know."

And God is asking me through this process- Anita, are you willing? Really willing? God is doing something. He is preparing us for something. I'm afraid most days to be willing to even ask what it might be. I'm afraid to let my mind wander, to where he might take it. And yet, you either are willing to surrender completely, or you aren't really following Jesus. Jesus, that looks into our hearts condition and demands more than we can reasonably give. Because he doesn't just want 'Christians'. He wants people who love him, to love others. And that will require surrendering our all to him. It would require a surrender that could cost us everything earthly. A wiliness to change our definition of success from the worlds view to a eternal view. Sounds easy enough, until you start thinking about selling your home you love, giving up the job you've worked for, and choosing to be so different that your family stages an intervention. Suddenly, surrender has a really high price.