What not to say...

-Why not just have more biological children if you wanted a bigger family?
When I hear this, it sounds like adoption is a second choice. Like it's a substitute to having your 'own children'. It's our first choice. It's always been something we have longed to do. We have prayed for YEARS for God to provide a way for us to adopt. It's never been a substitute. We enjoyed the beautiful process of having biological children. It's not better than adopting. It is very different. Adoption has taught and grown us soo much, much more than either of our pregnancies. But neither process is a 'better' way to grow your family.
*Say instead -How did God lead you to adopt?

-Your kids are so lucky. Lucky-NO! The life of an orphan is not lucky. Losing a mother to death. Losing their birth father and siblings to poverty. Lack of clean water leading to intestinal parasites that cause continuous diarrhea. Lack of healthy food. Lack of a family. Hardly lucky. They are blessed. Blessed to have a birth father willing to give them opportunities he can't provide. Blessed to be surrendered at an amazing orphanage. Blessed to have a forever family to love them. Lucky, not so much. Blessed.
*Say instead - What was the circumstances that led to your children being available?

-Why not adopt in the states? There are so many kids here, and we should take care of that first. Great, go for it. If God has placed foster kids on your heart, contact DHS today and find out what you need to do. There is a need. And it is great, and those kids deserve a home too. But God asked us to go to Haiti. Because the kids in Haiti also deserve a home, as much as any child. And that is where he was building our family.
*Say instead - How did you choose Haiti?

-Aren't they going to be dark. (This is usually said in a hushed tone, in case someone might hear and be offended.) Guess what, it's only by God's Grace I'm not offended. Yep, they are going to be dark. Yes, it does matter to some people. It will be harder at times because of the race issue. Yes, people will notice that they are black. And that we are white. However, God told us Haiti was the country our kids were in. Not alot of white children waiting for adoption in Haiti. So yes, they are dark. And we are not naive about what that means. But we will not live in fear of it.
*Say instead -Your children are beautiful. (I'll happily agree with you.)

-Gosh, your process is taking a long time. I appreciate the reminder because I had somehow forgotten that it has been 13 months since our referral, and two years since our home study. For that few moments at the store, at church, at the party, I hadn't been focused on the length of time. I was enjoying telling you about my kids. About how much closer we are then we were. But I appreciate the focus being reapplied to the most painful part, the long wait.
*Say instead- I'm excited your getting closer. I can't wait to meet them.

-I know .... who adopted and ... happened and it was awful. Attachment disorder. Failed adoptions. Agency dishonesty. Corrupt government. High airfare. Imperfect kids. Bad transitions. I think I've heard a 'personal' story about everything that can and does happen. However, I already knew about all those things. Because I researched. Long before we started our home study. I read the books. I talked to people who experienced adoption. Both the good and the bad. Your neighbors sisters friends story doesn't really matter to me. It's been filtered too many times. I don't know that person. I don't know their story. I don't trust you to give all the important details. If they are willing to pass what they have learned on directly -hook me up. Give me the blog address. Give her my phone number. But don't give me just the grim details, there is always more to the story you don't know.
Say instead - How can I pray for your situation? What are your concerns that I can talk to God about?

-Tell me I need to buy a bigger house. Honestly, it makes you sound shallow. My house is a mansion compared to the home my kids have lived in. Reliable electricity and clean water. That is more than anyone in Haiti can count on. America's perspective is sooo skewed about what is necessary to raise children. The last thing my kids are worried about is if they get their own bedrooms. And I'm quite content with my 'little' house.
-Say instead - How are you going to decorate their room?

-My personal favorite. Are you going to adopt again? That is like asking a woman who is dilated at a ten, pushing with no pain relief if she'd like another baby. She'd look at you with an evil look in her eyes, scream (sounding demon possessed) at you and probably try and get off the bed to inflict immediate physical harm to your body. While my reaction isn't quite that strong, I do mentally picture my hands batting your head between them. No, we are not adopting again. No, we can't begin to even think of a reason to go through this again. No, it's really the last thing on our mind. We don't feel called to adopt again. God may pave a path that leads to that. However he knows not to even mention it now, or I might lose my mind. So I would recommend you not mention either, or I might make you responsible for all 4 of my children in the case I'm taken away in the paddy wagon.
*Say instead -Don't say anything that remotely resembles asking this question. Keep it to yourselves - we will be sure and let people know if we are making plans to adopt again.

My dear friend Jen** and I talked about it. She was saying she needed to blog about it also. I'm sure hers will be more spirit and grace filled. I'm going for cheap laughs, and hopefully some understanding about how comments made with good intentions can sound to those of us who are living this experience. I've learned alot about having grace with people. NO ONE says things with bad intentions. And I choose to focus on the good intentions - and laugh about it.

Stay tuned, maybe I'll tackle what not to say when someone loses a loved one. Ohh...I have some dozzies for that one.

**If you check out Jen's blog- she has the most fabulous news!! I have goosebumps for her, and can't believe she is this close to her baby.