Missing them...

Okay, so I've kept my stiff upper lip. I've said all the right things, to myself and those who ask. I sometimes even convince myself. But gosh, darn it - I miss my kids. Actually it's more like, **mn it - I want my kids.
Just keeping it real, folks. It's hard. Harder than I thought it would be. As if one can imagine this, without the experience. If one could, one would NOT do it. Seriously - you wouldn't subject yourself to it.

I think I wrote at one point about the waiting. If I knew how-I'd provide a link. But I don't, so you can just go back to last fall. Anyways I related it to clothing. Something about every month being another layer. A little more uncomfortable every month.

Yeah, well - it's starting to feel like a freakin down snowsuit that is a size too small. Like we came back and it was waiting for us to return. And now we can't figure out how to go back to a few layers. The first couple weeks, it wasn't too bad. But I swear this week, someone zipped it up- in the back. And then sucked the air out of it. Like those stupid space saving bags.

Maybe it was going on vacation without them. Maybe it was all the time spent telling about the trip and showing off pictures to family and friends. Maybe it was just too much time on my hands to think about it. Maybe I've just allowed myself the space and freedom to go to that place of how I really feel about it in the bad moments. I don't know really, and maybe it doesn't matter. But I miss them. I want them here. I want to be a mom to them, and not it a long distance kinda way. Yeah, long distance parenting works about as well as a long distance relationship - it sucks!

Anyways, on a funny note. We were at R's grandma's house. She gets those Claire Wright catalogs. The kind they only send out to the over 55 age. And you won't believe what they sell in them. Seriously. Sex aids. Sex toys. Lube. Male enhancement products. Full pictures and everything. Next to the upside down tomato pots, the microwave bacon cooker, and moo-moo's. I was so unprepared, and when my sister in law showed me - well, it was a much needed laugh.

Another random thought - because I am just that random lately. There is a great country song. The main line is "God is great, Beer is good, and People are crazy". I'm thinking putting it up in my kitchen. Is that too redneck? If it was wine is good- is that classier? Maybe I shouldn't make any major decisions right now. Like what to attach permanently to walls. I seem to be a little on the irrational side right now.