Lord, how do I leave the judgements behind...

This quote is posted here.

"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank BOTTLED water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me DEPORTED. I needed clothes, but you needed MORE clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the BEHAVIORS that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I DESERVED."
-Richard Stearns, The Hole in Our Gospel


Okay, so I'm struggling with being content. And with leaving the judgements of others to God. Here is the struggle. I've now seen real poverty. Smelt it, felt it, and ached in the midst of it. Held the child that is too thin, saw the despair in a babies eyes, and felt the hopelessness that surrounds those who have no hope of it being different.


And I'm wishing for new couches because my hand me downs are falling apart. Then I think of how much hope you can give with $1000 of food. I'm frustrated by the dripping faucet, to remember that in Haiti clean water is a luxury for most. I wish for a fun vacation at that expensive resort, and then think about the good one person can do in Haiti in a couple weeks. I go out to eat, and feel the weight of a meal that cost as much as a week of food for an orphan.

It's hard to be content when you would really like a new couch. Or when your tired and just want to sit in a restaurant and have someone serve you a hot meal. It's hard not to spend a $1.50 on a bottle of water, when your thirsty. It's hard to live without the finer things in life, when your surrounded by it. It's hard not to compare what I have to others and not feel like it's lacking.

'IT'S not FAIR' I want to scream. It's not fair that babies die, because a Christian decides it's more important to buy a new car. It's not fair that children are slaves, because Christians think that name brand clothes that matter more than sending their own children on mission trips. It's not fair that people drink unclean water, but we have to have water that is filtered, doctored up and labeled.

And you know what is even harder - not judging others for what they have. To not think, for the cost of that trip you could have gone on a mission trip and changed a life. Or that the cost of new couch could have helped build an orphanage, and that their old one was much nicer than mine. Or wonder why a couple isn't willing to consider adoption, who can obviously afford more children and are wonderful parents.

And here's the kicker. I get feeling self-righteous. Yeah, I'm living it right. I got this Jesus thing figured out. I've chosen the right path. I've given up things of this world to make eternal difference. I'm living without the 'finer' things in life, to give orphans a home. Oh yeah- I can spin it so I'm practically a saint. And those other people, they really have it wrong.

Living in tension is a sign of maturity. I just read that truth. And cringed. Because I haven't been living in the tension. I've been wanting to have all the people who love Jesus, to love him in action the same way I do. I don't want to go without, to adopt, and have them getting new furniture, going out to eat, and living the 'nice' life. It's selfish, immature, and ugly. And I'm constantly laying it down, confessing it, and then the thought creeps in when someone brags about their new car, new furniture, new clothes, and anything else I deem judgement worthy.

So the tension is being happy for them, enjoying the blessings they are enjoying. And still being content with God's direction for my life. And knowing he doesn't desire a life of despair, because others live there. And leaving the judgement of peoples intentions and actions to him.

Because IF I'm doing all this to look good, to be a 'good' christian -well then I've missed the point too. Clashing symbols come to mind. (I Cor. 13).