Busyness...

Oh how it's been busy around here: REALLY, REALLY busy...
here is the good news-
-we have an appointment for immigration in September. Once we go and present our documents, turn in the forms, get fingerprinted and write one more big check, then we should have two new American citizens amongst us!
-we are preparing for school. R has made significant progress in reading comprehension, and math this summer. P is excited to be able to see her friends daily. CN has also made progress in math this summer, and hopefully will continue the progression to grade level in the next year.
-we spent a long weekend with my family, and got to introduce R and Er to my childhood home. They swam in the same spot in the river, ate at the truckstop and got to go fishing with Grandpa.
-we enjoyed a fabulous visit with the famous Joyce and Molly- famous to those GLA families. They are two of the most beautiful woman, and their hearts for our children is unbelievable. They brought some of R and Er's belongings from Haiti, as well as coffee and ketchup. The visit seemed to be a turning point with R, and he has been more open to connection than ever before.

Six Months Ago...

We were on a plane headed to Miami. Our kids would be flying out that evening. We were tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. We were trying to figure out how one prepares, and realizing they don't. We were trying to figure out what the next 24 hours would involve. We didn't have any idea what to expect. We didn't expect this...



Er pees in the shower. Not while taking a shower. Pulls her pants down, squats over the edge and pees. Explains the smell that I haven't been able to get rid of in that bathroom.



Re just caught a spider in his bare hands. A good size one. He asked to keep it. I said no. So he smushed it on my counter. The take it outside part only came after it was dead. His explanation, "My mom didn't want it."



Re was watering the roses. Er wanted a turn. She walked right up to him. Right up the stream of water. And then got mad at him that her tank top was wet.



All four kids share a room to sleep. They sleep in different arrangements. They sleep in different spots. It's not unusual for there to be someone on our floor. Sleeping arrangements are very fluid right now.



That there would be over $5000 in just medical and dental expenses after insurance. Okay, this we should have known, but we just didn't really give it too much thought.



How exhausted this process of transition is. On them, on us. How much energy it would take to meet the basic needs on a daily basis. Forget the extras like laundry and dishes. How much it would take out of us emotionally to see our children in so much pain.



That our children would struggle with missing Haiti so much. I said I knew that. I thought I knew -- I could not have. That I'd feel so inadequate in those moments. That I'd be so helpless. That there would moments I'd doubt that this benefited them at all. Or was just really selfish on our part.



That our marriage would change. Not like when we had biological children. Not like other life changing events. But that we would both be so changed by our new life, our marriage would have to change to survive.



That these last six months would make us rethink everything we thought we knew. About parenting. About marriage. About loving God. About church. About serving him. About following him. About obedience and trust.



I've said all along that adoption is not for the faint of heart. If that is true, than parenting adopted children are for the warriors. The kind of warrior that goes to bed exhausted, wakes up exhausted, but puts on the gear to fight another day, knowing the battle at hand matters. The kind that steps up to the front lines and says, "I have won the battle, for MY God promises it to be so." and then holds a grieving child. The kind of warrior that says to her leader, " I do NOT understand, but I will GO and DO that which you ask, trusting your supreme understanding."

I'm learning how to be that warrior. I'm learning how to lay down my own desires, for the good of who I serve. I'm learning how to not only love my children, but to be the mother God desires me to be. The woman God created me to be. And it's hard work. It's draining, and some days I think I can't do another day. And then the cry of my heart is heard by the God for the universe, and I have the strength to continue on. That we are adopted by him, and not just brought into the family, but parented. Encouraged, disciplined, loved through action, and being grown.

Hole in our Gospel ... Chapter 3

Yes, I skipped blogging chapter two. It's a run-down of Richard Sterns own personal journey to CEO - how God orchastraed it. But I'll come back to it at the end of the Chapter 3 rundown.



Chapter 3 -

You lack one thing...Matthew 19:16 -the story of the rich young man, who Jesus sees past his desire to be patted on the back, and calls to his attention the condition of his heart. Putting myself in the story, it goes something like this...

I'm talking with Jesus, "So what am I doing that will assure my good standing with you in heaven?" I'd be thinking, I have this figured out. I do bible studies, although I could do better- he'll probably mention that. I go to church regularly, and rest on the Sabbath. I tithe, and technically I give on my gross income not my net - so I've got the whole giving thing in the bag. And I pray. I talk over decisions with God, and am willing to follow his direction. No new car, okay God, I'll wait. I've got this Christian life figured out. In my self righteous bubble, he'd use me as an example.

And Jesus would give me a few seconds, look into my eyes and say, "If you want the life I have for you, follow the laws God has given you." And I'd gulp, because I'd remember Leviticus and Numbers. But then I'd think of Grace, and the freedom from the law. I'd look him right in the eye, and in all seriousness say, "Which ones?"

And when he replied, "Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother and 'love your neighbor as yourself'" I'd sigh in relief. Because I've been pretty good at those, and Grace covers when I've failed. And I see Jesus looking at my unexpectedly, hoping I'll take it one step further. Hoping I won't be satisfied with the safe answer. Hoping I'll desire more.

And I do, so I ask, "What do I lack, Jesus?" And I expect him to say, "Your good." And the Jesus I've been taught all my life, would say that. But Jesus in Matthew 19 says something completely different. He looks at me, at my $100 shoes, and $4 coffee's and says, "Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." And I picture him a little sad as he says it, knowing that my response won't be one of enthusiasm. It will be one of appall. What - sell everything?? Follow you, WHERE?? Isn't that irresponsible. Irrational. Unreasonable. He'd see past all my good intentions, all the times I served with false pretenses, all the times I choose to spend time doing my own thing instead of his, he'd see what my heart really desires. He'd see my plans to gather more stuff. To earn more money. To be more successful.

And the young man in Matthew 19, turned away sad, because he had great wealth. He couldn't surrender it all. And when I read this story before I thought, I'm not wealthy. I live simply. We have a modest income, just enough but not too much. We give. We aren't the wealthy. But then I went to Haiti, and we are the wealthy. And this story took on a whole new meaning.

I agree with Richard, God doesn't ask all of us to sell everything and move to a third world country. But he does ask for absolute surrender. A willingness and readiness to do just that, if he should ask. A order in our lives that puts him so far above all else, that selling everything is a simple sacrifice. That our lives would be about eternal significance instead of worldly success. And I've been that rich young man, who turned and walked away. It was too much to give up. His terms were too great.

The Prayer of Jabez....
I've read this book. It concludes that if we pray for God's blessings, we will receive them. If we pray for an increase, God will provide one. Do A - Get B. Back when I read it, there was a gap in it. Why didn't the martyrs pray like this? Wouldn't God have spared them? Why don't the poor in third world countries pray this, and God will change their situation. Why are there really godly people that can't pay their bills after a job loss. Maybe because God's blessings aren't what we consider blessings. Maybe his increase is different than our increase.

Frodo and The Ring of Power...
Ahhh...Frodo...just throw the ring in the hottest part of the fire. Let it go. Don't put it away. Anita, give up the house, the balance in your bank account, the security of regular income, and the $4 coffee's. Ummm...I'd like to keep at least one of those. The years I grew up poor, left a wound on my heart, that longs for the financial security and lifestyle in a deeply spiritual way. That makes the thought of living without - terrifying. On a core level. That can't be satisfied with a pat answer. That needs much, much more than a cliche to allow me to let go of the ring. That will need the power of who God is. And our financial situation currently is requiring me to deal with this anxiety. And I don't like it, frankly. Because I got enough to do. But God clearly is offering healing to this wound. And I'm reminding myself daily to surrender to him ALL things. To throw the ring in the fire, to let it go.

Richard ends the chapter with the story of how God wove together situation after situation to clearly define the path ahead. And how he became broken during the process. But back to Chapter two. Richard is counting the cost of taking the CEO job at World Vision, and he gets down to brass tacks. And as I read this, I heard my own voice saying the same things. "But, Lord, I don't want to do this. This will wreck my life. Don't send me to the poor, Lord- anywhere but there. But I can't do this, God. Not poverty, slums, hunger, disease, dying children, grieving parents - don't ask me to go there, Lord. Not into so much pain and suffering and despair. In those few seconds, all of those issues flashed through my head, because, you see, in my heart I knew what was at stake. God was asking me that day to choose. He was challenging me to decide what kind of disciple I was willing to be. Two decades earlier I had bet the farm on Jesus Christ and now he was asking me to hand over the deed. What was the most important thing in my life? He wanted to know."

And God is asking me through this process- Anita, are you willing? Really willing? God is doing something. He is preparing us for something. I'm afraid most days to be willing to even ask what it might be. I'm afraid to let my mind wander, to where he might take it. And yet, you either are willing to surrender completely, or you aren't really following Jesus. Jesus, that looks into our hearts condition and demands more than we can reasonably give. Because he doesn't just want 'Christians'. He wants people who love him, to love others. And that will require surrendering our all to him. It would require a surrender that could cost us everything earthly. A wiliness to change our definition of success from the worlds view to a eternal view. Sounds easy enough, until you start thinking about selling your home you love, giving up the job you've worked for, and choosing to be so different that your family stages an intervention. Suddenly, surrender has a really high price.

Absurd....

Things I find personally absurd....

-that we have so much stuff that we will pay good money to someone else to store it.
-that we will pay over $10 to see overpaid actors pretend to be someone they are not, in a story that could not possibly happen, and leave thinking we were entertained. (Why yes, I do have tickets to see Eclipse...just because I find it absurd doesn't mean I don't participate occasionally)
-the cost of lettuce, over a dollar a head, since I grow lettuce I find this really crazy. Let's not talk about the $3 bag of lettuce, that doesn't even taste like lettuce
-people texting while in church, a meeting, or on a date. Is whatever is going on in your hand more important than what is going on right in front of you?
-the notion that as a Christian writing a check is the same as loving a person
-a purse and shoes that cost hundreds of dollars - because it has a certain name on it
-Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, etc, etc, etc...
-That people spend good money to find out about Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan. For the same price as the magazine you can buy toilet paper. A much better use of the money.
-Crap in a box, bag, or tin. I know we are all in a hurry to make dinner. But Hamburger Help** is really just noodles, spaghetti sauce and ground beef. And cost the same. And taste so much better. (Don't get offended if you eat Hamburger Help**, I just don't get it. But then again, I grow my own lettuce)
-Justin Beiber - who the heck decided he could sing and should be paid for it?? Our standards are so low it's pathetic. Your cute and can pull off this new hair style trend we'd like to start, here is a recording contract.
-Thank you notes. Well, more specifically feeling like you need a handwritten thank you note, when you were there when the gift was given and were told thanks. I know that it's probably considered rude. But if I give you a gift, and you look at me and say "Thank You, I love it." that is good enough for me. I prefer that.
-People who wear clothes that clearly don't fit them. It's crazy that we put so much pressure on each other to be a certain size, that they are willing to squeeze into something that causes their fat to explode in all the other place. But darn it, they wear a size 6. They do, really...
-Crayons that are made for two year olds. That require their own coloring books. What is wrong with the big box of crayons with the sharpener in the back. Those are the 'fancy' crayons.

What do you find absurd? What makes you roll your eyes and laugh inside? What makes you wonder about the fate of the world?

A Hole in our Gospel, Chapter 1

Baada Bing, Baada Boom...this book starts off with the gloves off.
Summary - God didn't send Christ to die for our sins, so we can have and offer a get out of hell card. His intention was much, much more. It was that there be a new world order, where the blessed would be the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the hungry and brokenhearted. That those in the kingdom of God, would create a revolution, that turned the world upside down. But that we have taken that gospel, and reduced it down.
"I believe we have reduced the gospel from a dynamic and beautiful symphony of God's love for and in the world to a bare and strident monotone...In doing so, we have also stripped it of much of it's power to change not only the human heart but the world." I've lived this watered down gospel. The problem - it doesn't set well in your soul as you get to know God. You can't come closer to God, and still believe all he cares about is the amount of commitment cards turned in after a revival. "Didn't Jesus always care about the whole person-one's health, family, work, values, relationships, behavior toward others-and his or her soul?"

Richard goes on share about a friend who cut all the verses out of bible that pertained to poverty, wealth, justice, and oppression. It was shambles when done. This is the bible I've been taught. Many of the passages, I've never heard before. I grew up in church. Bible loving churches. I attended AWANA's. I went to Sunday School. I've taken bible study classes. And for the most part they have skimmed over the call to care for those who are broken by poverty, illness, disease, and oppressed. And I can't remember a sermon in the last 5 years at church that taught on any such topic.

But ultimately it isn't the church's responsibility for me to hear God's call. Although the church must be accountable for what it teaches, to a degree. There is tension there that is explored later. But the bottom line is now I know. I've seen the whole gospel. I know that God's heart is more than just a raised hand or an alter call. It's a life changed, from the power of his promises. And from that a desire to love the people he loves. And a love that expresses itself in action.

The burning, million dollar question...now that I know, what do I do? What is the action? How am I love the poor? How am I serve? Because I'd like to make this about the church and how it's failed. It's a lot more comfortable than facing my own apathy. Facing that I've read a bible that is full of holes. Perfectly content to focus on the passages that are comforting and pleasant. He is my rock...oh yeah. I'm a new creation...ummm...love that. Streets of gold, no more pain and suffering...bring it on. Feed the starving...okay, wrote a check to Compassion this month. Clothe the poor...does donating to Goodwill count? Love the lepers...good thing leprosy can be treated now. Give all I have away, because it's easier for a camel to fit a needle than a rich man to get to heaven. Getting really uncomfortable. Because I'm pretty sure, that is me. And it's most of the people sitting next to me on Sunday morning.

William P. Young or Wm. Paul Young

I met the author of The Shack last night. And heard him tell the story of how The Shack, became a best seller. And heard how it has been used by God to reach people, and offer healing. And I left with much respect for Paul, for he took none of the credit for it. He attributed it all to God. He explained it this way, he wrote the book for his children, and gave it them as a gift. And then God gave it to his children. So here is what I took away, or at least a small part of what I did.
-It's all about relationship. About the relationship between God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If they aren't relating to one another, how can there be a relationship between us and them. Since we are made in their image, we are made for relationship. For relationship between our creator and other creations. When we live devoid of these relationships we are missing the greatest piece of life.
-Paul prayed, while writing this book for his children, not for blessings on his project. But that if God was doing something cool, could he show up and be part of it, even if it was cleaning toilets? Oh, I needed to hear this. I have a ton of ideas, some pretty grand. And I'd like God to give me the go-ahead, bless it, and may it be marvelous. In all honesty - this is more about me than him. So instead; God, if your doing something cool, can I please be a part of it? Even if it means no one except you knows. Even if it means surrendering my own grand ideas. I have an inkling of what it could actually mean. But I'm not about to put it out there in writing.
-God is a God of details. That the tapestry he creates is made of individual threads. All those small moments woven together. In the day to day life, it's easy to fall into the trap that the small things don't matter. The person you greet at church, the card you send, the child you help, the person you reach out to. But it does. God uses all of it to tell his story. To tell others that they are loved. And that they matter.
-God uses modern day parables to teach us through those wiser than us. Paul's story resonates because it speaks to us in the place that religion is unable. That the God of relationship heals what the "God" of religion can't. I'm not bashing organized religion. Although to be honest I could. But that is a whole other post. But the God that most churches teach is not a God that can heal and restore. (not all churches, but most). It's a God who must be appeased. Who gives out approval based on our meeting some elses expectations. And yet, that is not the God I've found in his word to us. It's not the God who healed my heart. Which was wounded in part, by the very people and church who were suppose to teach me who God was. They were wrong. Very, very wrong. The God they offered was way to small to love the darkest part of me. I have found that God is so much more. He forgave Peter. He redeemed Saul, and gave him a new identity. He repeatedly went to the dirtiest and loved them. That includes me. This story, of Papa and Mack, gave me an understanding of God that I needed put into words.
-Forgiveness means surrendering to God what is his already. It means leaving the judgement of those who have hurt you, to him. It means accepting that he may redeem the person, even if you believe they aren't worthy of it. The most powerful story he told last night, demonstrated this beautifully. He wrote this to his children, with no idea the book would be read in prisons across the country. That Papa defending the 'bad' guy would be read by the 'bad' guy.
He visited a woman's correctional facility, and spoke. After he spoke, he was signing books. A woman came up and hugged him. Midway through the hug, she broke down in sobs. She asked, "Do you think Papa is fond of ME?" And his reply, "Especially of you." And then she looked at him and said, "Thanks that is all I need to hear." Isn't that what we all long to know. That God, is especially fond of US. Not Paul Young, not the pastor, not the Proverbs 31 woman, but US. In our own state of yuck, he is still especially fond of us. And that his forgiveness covers it all. And allows us, made in his image, to offer to surrender to him, the other persons condition. Allows what is true anyways, to be true in our hearts.
-That people still need God. Last night was a fundraiser for a secular group. It was in no way a 'church' event. And yet, the place was full. And there was no mistake about what Paul believed. The truth was not watered down. God loves you. Enough to send Jesus for you. He wants to know you, and for you to know him. He doesn't want religious acts, but relationship. And he is fond of you. Especially of you. God is still moving, he is still actively pursuing us. And he is relentless in his pursuit of us.

He signed my book ' Anita, Grace sings your name! You matter.' God is relentlessly pursuing me, to know him. How amazing is that? That I matter, and that Grace, God's relentless pursuit of me, sings my name. And he sings yours. He is especially fond of you too.

Okay, there is more, it was a pretty rich night. But that is what I want to remember a year from now.

How is it going???

If I had a dollar each time I'm asked this, I'd be able to build a house in Haiti. Maybe for the kids birth family. (Thanks Jaime for the post idea)
And the answer is difficult. I've made a decision to be honest about our process with people. We have seen in the adoption world, this glossy exterior that can be deceptive. In the name of making sure adoption is presented in a good light, people aren't honest about some of the realities of it. The only share the good stuff. But we've decided that we'd rather be honest, so God can be glorified through all of it.
So it's a challenge to answer this question. There is no one line answer. There is no quick update. And sometimes, I don't know how it's going. Do you mean this week, or the last two hours? The answer could be vastly different.
So how is it going? There are some really good things happening. Re is picking English up quickly. He may still need speech therapy, however he seems to be easy for people to understand. He loves school, and has a really good teacher. We've made the decision for him to stay in this class next year, giving him a full year of second grade. He is currently at the beginning of first grade level for math and reading comprehension. So it felt unrealistic to expect him to be successful in third grade next year. We are having less melt-downs when things don't go his way. They are also shorter and less intense. He is talking about Haiti. About the earthquake, about his birth family, about GLA. This is a good sign to me, that he feels safe here. We have encouraged him to tell us about his life in Haiti. We ask often, Did you have this in Haiti? Did your parents do this with you? Not to compare, but to understand. And to help them remember. Re seems to be okay with this. He has fond memories of his birth family and Haiti. We have some concerns that he will romanticize Haiti, and his life there. So it's a delicate balance of being honest about his life there, and yet honoring his birth country and family.
He is still struggling with the permanence of our family. He calls our home, Mama's house. But not his house. We are being purposeful in our words. He still says he is going home to Haiti at times. We are explaining that we are now his family. And we will take him to Haiti and visit, but we are his family, even if we are in Haiti. And that when he is an adult, he can go back to Haiti. And we will still be him Papa and Mama.
Er is struggling with more right now. And has no ability to voice it, or even understand what is driving the behavior. She is particularly missing Molly, and ask daily for her. She has thought our neighbor was Molly, and was devastated when she left after a visit. She is trying to understand what having a Mama looks like. The daycare kids call me by my first name, so Er has decided that she should also. I think she still relates to me more as a caregiver than a Mama. She has began to have 'real' fits, that involve flopping on the ground, kicking and screaming, wailing and gnashing teeth. Sometimes it's an attention getting behavior. Sometimes it's out of frustration. Sometimes it's out of grief. And sometimes we have no idea why.
Ce and P each have their own frustrations and irritations about our new family. They are each dealing with it in their own way. We are thankful for their ability to ask for what they need, as well as manage their feelings in a healthy way. However, this transition has been tough on both of them. I wouldn't recommend doing it this way.
We don't always know if a issue is a result of being adopted, birth family, earthquake, evacuation, or a mix of it all. There is no study done, no literature about what is normal and not normal for a child that is brought home after a natural disaster and evacuation. There is no expect advice to go off of. We are becoming the experts. However, I believe God chose Re and Er for us. And he knew there'd be an earthquake. He knew we'd get them in a less than ideal manner. And yet, he proceeded. So I rest in who God is, trusting that he will equip us, not the experts.
We are probably going to be pursuing some counseling in the next year. In the meanwhile, we are working on language and being a family. And that will take time, day in and day out. So that is how things are going. I'm thinking of making a brochure to hand out when asked. It seems easier.