What now...

So if I was organized, I'd post these in some kind of order. But then I'd also have an organized spice shelf, sock drawers, and life. None of those things exist in my life, so organized blog posting is probably not realistic.
So I left off our story of the trip to Miami with us leaving the airport conference room. Just walking away with our children. First of all, we had no clue what we were doing. First decision as parents was to put them on an elevator. After they had experienced an earthquake. Repeatedly. As soon as it started to move, they grabbed for something to hold onto and looked as us with panic. The light bulb went on over our heads and we felt like a couple ding-dongs. We held onto both of them, and reassured them that it was a ride, not an earthquake. They both calmed down quickly, and we were off and running again. As we walked through the baggage claim area, we both kept looking at them and each other. This is real. This is our new life. This is our children with us. Not our children separated from us, but together. The other thought was we are tired.
We caught the shuttle back to the hotel. We stumbled through the front doors, to be greeted enthusiastically by the staff. This is the same staff I had a complete and unattractive meltdown in front of the day before over early check in. So that moment of excitement for us, was a moment of grace. As we walked down the hall to the elevator, Re looks up at us and ask, "Is this our house?" with a look of utter wonder. No honey, our house only has 3 rooms for people to sleep in. This is a hotel, just a place to sleep tonight.
We got up to our room, and got them a snack. We then made a couple phone calls, and tried to get an action plan for going home. We could leave the next day, or stay an extra day. We were anxious to get home, back to our girls here. We didn't want them to get too settled. So R and the kids laid down for naps, and I started to book flights. Another moment of grace, one way tickets home were $167, leaving the next morning. So after travel plans were made, I crawled into bed about 1:30pm and fell fast asleep. We slept until 5:00pm, ordered dinner, had baths, read, colored, and made more calls. We were back in bed by 8:00pm. We all slept really good. We ate breakfast and prepared to leave for the airport. I was sad to see this part of our journey end so quickly. It didn't feel like anyone of us had time to process what had just happened. We all had the deer in the headlights look.
As we passed security there was a moment of concern (okay, panic for me). Our travel letter, had a different child's name in the second paragraph, and was clearly cut and pasted in a hurry. It was also a copy and not on official letterhead. The security guard looked at it, at us, at them, at the letter, and repeated this process at least 3 times. I was holding my breathe and praying that God would soften his heart and give him understanding. The guard looked at me, and asked if they spoke Creole, and were from the group that came in last night. I exhaled and said yes. His coworker then said something to them in Creole, and she had tears in her eyes. She wished us a safe travel home as he put our papers back together. He handed me the papers and said, "God bless your family." And that was it. No one was coming to ask further questions. The Department of Human Services wasn't going to intervene. We were just going to go get on that plane and fly home.
We went to go get a cup of coffee and wait by the terminal. Now, a moment of silence for the rest of the world that does not know what a decent cup of coffee taste like. Russ got me something that I'm pretty sure included the coffee in the mocha mix from the only 'coffee stand'. We were blessed to be waiting with another family headed to Northern California with their children from GLA. I wish I remembered their names, or their children's names. I wish I'd been better about writing down those details.
Their children were a boy and girl, around our kids age. Er and the little girl passed a lifesaver back and forth up until we were seated. Re and their son shared juice and crackers. I think it gave our children a moment that felt just a little bit normal in what must have been so much unknown. As we loaded, the flight attendants were very captivated by our two little children who were in full charm mode. Before we knew it we were offered tv's to watch, food to share, and blankets to sleep with. The captain came on to do his announcement, and announced that they were delighted to be flying families home that had just received their children from Haiti. What happened next, still bewilders me. The entire plane erupted in clapping. People stopped by to say congratulations, to offer help, to give us small gifts. Not just our family, but all the families.
As the plane took off I felt this emotional and spiritual exhale. A breathe I didn't know I was still holding. The part of me that didn't have faith. That believed at any moment someone was going to tap my shoulder and tell me there was a problem. And as that part of me had no reason to doubt, the tears started to just flow. Not an ugly cry, but a cry of understanding. That God really was faithful. He really does fulfill his promises. He really does create miracles. He really does use us to tell his story. That God really did answer my prayers. I can't really put it into words, but when you get a glimpse of the reality of God, you can't help but be moved.
It was a long flight. Eight hours. And for those of you who travel 18 hours, I can't imagine. We landed in Seattle, had a short layover, and were on our way home. We landed in PDX, got ourselves collected and took a moment just to enjoy what was going to happen. We had waited for years to have that moment. The moment where we are all together. A moment ordained by God. A moment we saw slip away when the earthquake happened. A moment we decided to believe would happen, not because of anything besides who God is. And we walked out to our older girls, our family, our friends and became what we are now. A family ordered by God, completed by God and living proof that he still orchestras miracles.

What is new...

I've seem to have lost the ability to take pictures. Really. I'm not sure it it went bye-bye with the super wonderful camera I miss dearly. If using a $100 camera is just too frustrating after not using one. If as a Mom of four kids, I just forget. If it's just to hard now to get anyone to hold still long enough.

But here are a few updated pictures. And how far we have come.

Re and Er are both speaking English 99% of the time. Re's favorite thing to say is, "Aaahhh...come on". After someone scores a point on the wii game, if I ask him to pick up his socks, if it's dinnertime, and so on and so on. Er says quite a bit, although there is still alot of babbling.

Er has pulled out all the stops with her ability to charm. In GLA she was one of many charming children. Here she has the market on it. We joke that she must wave good-bye to her fans. She is still learning that we are her family. Not the nice lady at the library, or the family leaving Dairy Queen. However, progress is being made.

Re is going to bed better. After the discovery of melatonin bedtime began to improve. When we finally figured out he was scared of going to sleep by himself, and put them in bed together it improved greatly. We thought sharing a room would be enough. It wasn't.

Re is doing well at school. He has tested out at the beginning of first grade for reading and math. However, all things considered, we are thrilled with that. He has tried pulling the 'I don't know' card, and been called on it. And then went back to redo it when the consequence of no bike was made clear.

Er is now fully potty trained. This makes this Mama very pleased. No more diapers...oh the freedom that brings. She does however feel the need to report everything that happens and can often be found wondering the house with her pants and undies around her ankles calling for me. She can't be bothered with pulling up her pants, flushing and washing hands before coming to find me to file her report.

Re has started to talk more about Haiti. About his life in GLA. About his Haitian family. About the earthquake. We are trying to allow him the time and safety to talk about what he needs too, while not dwelling on it either. He still struggles with the permanence of it. He has told us that Joyce will be coming to take him back to Haiti. While I understand the need for them to be evacuated, it didn't allow him the time and process for closure. We are trying to help him make sense of it all.

Re and Er both had major dental work done. Re has significant dental issues. He has a total of 9 cavities, 4 needing crowns. However, he seems delighted to not be in tooth pain anymore. He never complained about it. He really is tough as nails. Er had cavities between her two front teeth. She had crowns put on them. She still had a purple mouth from the medication for Thrush. And now she has slightly purple front teeth. Hoping it fades, but eventually she will lose them.

Ce is starting to find her place as a new big sister. She is probably struggled the most. At 12, there were alot of other changes in her life, without the addition of Re and Er. However, we are continuously amazed by her compassion and empathy for them. She slept with Re the other night. She came out of the room, and was delighted he was telling her about Haiti. She is sweet enough to help them in the morning, so we have a few minutes of extra sleep or a shower.

P is starting to adjust to being a big sister. It's been hard to lose her role as the baby. I know at times she feels like she got the short end of the stick. But we are working on that. She is complaining of stomach pain, and I believe at least part of it is the stress of all this change. She internalizes stress, and has physical consequences. We are also trying to figure out if there are some food allergies going on.

We are still figuring out citizenship. We are working on getting what we need to file. We are still praying for a miracle, and the fees to be wavered. USCIS is still figuring out what to do, and we are praying for a simpler solution than has been presented. We are certain that we must gain citizenship for them quickly if possible. We will file the paperwork in the next 60 days one way or another.

R and I are doing okay. We are in this boat together. Sometimes we feel like we row all day and are still in the same spot. Some days the shore seems a little closer. Some days it feels like we've lost ground. Some days it feels like we are rowing in different directions. And some days we are just beating each with the oars. But we aren't giving up our seats. We both know that we are in this together. Neither one of us can afford it on our own. And no one else would want us. No one else would get us. We are just a little too crazy for anyone but each other. So while some days we are waving oars at one another, and rowing in different directions, neither one of us is bailing.

Each day is a different. But we are starting to have moments of normalcy. We are starting to have moments of predictability. We are starting to have moments where we don't look like a deer in the headlights. We are also having moments that involve glasses of wine, and cigars.

But God is faithful and has given us everything we have needed when we needed it. And we have faith he will continue to do so.

Why not adopt from here...

So this post has been brewing awhile. It's not easy to write, or articulate my thoughts on this. I'm afraid I'm going to come off sounding self righteous, or judgemental.
But darn it, if it doesn't just keep coming up. We started being asked why not adopt from the USA when we announced we were adopting from a foreign country. When the story aired on the local news, among the first comments was one berating us for not adopting from here. When the local paper ran the story, same result. The Russian child being sent back has brought it back up. It's been joked about on late night tv. Why not adopt from here? Why are US parents adopting from overseas when there are kids here that need homes. We should take care of our own children. There are hungry children here. There are abused children here. There is a need here. This was the nicest way people communicated their opinion. There were harsher comments that aren't worth repeating.
And while I can't read people's minds, and I'm making an assumption, it seems that this thought process comes from a place that believes that US born children are more worthy than a child born outside our borders. Now- I am NO way implying that those driven to adopt from the US feel this way. These comments didn't come from adoptive parents. Any adoptive parent I have met understands that where your children come from is a deeply personal decision, and not to be judged lightly.
So here is the answer to this question that was posed in many different ways during our adoption.
-We feel ALL children have the same worth. Regardless of the country of birth. Regardless of how pretty they look in the pictures. While the US does tend to place value on American made, we believe children are God-made and EVERY child deserves a loving home.
-We are patriotic. We love the USA. We know how richly blessed we are JUST because we were born here. We love that our country has a system in place to provide food for the hungry children, safe water to drink, free education, safe homes for the abused, and families for those whose birth families are unable to care for them.
-Our hearts were pulled to Haiti. Where clean water is a luxury. Where education is expensive and out of reach for most. Where one meal a day is a blessing. Where children die daily for lack of basic necessities, like food.

With the situation happening with the Russian boy being sent back, I've heard this opinion more and more. Well, if she adopted in the US, this wouldn't have happened. Well, this is why people need to adopt our starving, abused children. And people should, who have been called by God. But the percentage of starving children is VERY small in the USA. In fact, walking into most low income schools it appears that the children could miss a few meals and it be okay. That is because they are given breakfast and lunch, FREE, paid for by the government, five days a week. In the summer there are free lunch programs. They are provided a protein, a starch, and at least one fruit or vegetable and milk. There is Food Stamps, WIC, and Food Shares all working to insure that families are fed. The cases of starving children is a result of neglectful parenting, not lack of resources. When a child starves to death in the USA, we are grieved that it happened. When a child dies of starvation in Haiti, it is accepted as a sad reality of life.

And the government provides an agency whose sole responsibility it is to protect children. When a child is abused in the USA, they are removed from their home and protected. When a child is abused in Haiti, they are just abused. When we hear of a child made a slave by extended family, we fight to make it right. In Haiti, child servitude is a culturally accepted practice.

And so while my heart breaks for those children put through the system, for it is a broken one, our hearts were called to bring a family to children who there was no system to protect them. Just being born on US soil affords you so much opportunity. Clean water, government subsidized food, free education, and the right to define who you are. Don't believe me, go visit a third world country with a class system. And tell me that a birth certificate from here isn't a blessing.

So to those who believe that we should have adopted from here. That internationally adoption should only happen after ALL our children in the USA are taken care of. I say to you, call DHS and get busy. Because every child has the right to have a loving family. EVERY child. Ours happen to be from Haiti, because we chose to be obedient to where God was leading us.

We are the Truth day

The Joint Counsel on International Children's Services has declared today to be "We are the Truth Adoption Blogger Day". This is in response to the woman who put a little boy on a plane to Russia. I can't call them mother and son, because clearly that was not the case.
So we are to tell our Adoption Truth today on our blog. Now I think 5 people read this. And they are mostly family and close friends. But please share as you feel led.
Our adoption story is pretty cool. There have been some really high ups and really low downs. Lost paperwork, travel plans secured the day of travel, meeting our children to leave them, an earthquake, an evacuation, God moving mountains, and our little hearts running behind all of this trying to catch the lessons.
We are to blog our successful adoption story. It seems early to me to deem us successful in navigating this new life. And our adoption is not really complete. Yes our kids are home, but we have a long paperwork journey ahead of us.
However, I can say this. We love them. We are working hard on merging these two families together into one. We are doing our best to figure it out as we go. We may not feel the success for a long time to come. That is the reality of international adoption. But you continue on, having faith that paperwork was found, mountains were moved, so that the journey could be completed. These kids are broken. Even in the best of situations. And it takes time, prayer, love and grace to heal them. From God and you. And we are banking on that.
I don't know this mom. I don't know her pain and frustration. I do know how painful and frustrating it can be with my own children. I can now see how disrupted adoptions can happen. How the toll could be more than one can imagine. How a parent can be without other options. How a child can be too broken for that family to heal. Or that family may be to broken to heal that child. And those parents are faced with the most difficult decisions of how to proceed forward. It's easy for adoptive parents to judge those who have had to say this isn't going to work. I've found myself thinking those harsh thoughts. However, my perspective has changed after three of the most trying months of my life. If I didn't see progress and have hope that there is healing happening, I don't know if I could continue on for 15 more years. If I could put the rest of my family through 15 years of distruption.
But you still can't put your kid on a plane and send them home. You are still responsible for getting them to the next place they can call home. You don't get to be spiteful to the country they came from and send them back with a note attached. You don't get to blame them for your lack of knowledge. Regardless of what you were told, every internationally adopted child comes with lots of baggage. Every adoption book, forum, and agency informs you of this, if your eyes are open.
So yes, we have a successful adoption. We pray it stays that way. We can't imagine a family without Re and Er. It may be years before we can say with confidence it was and is successful, but we will continue on with their best interest at heart.

It's my birthday...

And the amazing part is my family is complete. Re and Er are home. Last year at this time, I was praying that they'd be here. I could have never foreseen the events that would lead up to the realization of that prayer. That out of the ashes and rubble of a horrific natural disaster, God would use our little family to proclaim his greatness to others. That we'd be part of a miracle that the entire nation observed.
I don't for a minute believe that God 'made' the earthquake happen so my prayers would be answered. So that families here could be united. But that natural disasters happen as part of a broken world. And he brings hope and redemption into our broken world.

I've wanted to blog about the hours spent waiting for our kids. Of getting the kids. The hours spent with other families. The observation of their miracles. Of many, many, many miracles. With pictures of them. With pieces of their stories. However, we don't have pictures of many of them. And to be honest, that seems overwhelming. As you can see, I haven't even uploaded new pictures of us.

So I'm going to just use words, and trust it will be enough.

We arrived in Miami Airport about 8:30pm to wait. Believing that the kids would be leaving Haiti about 9:00pm, and arriving about 11:00pm. When we walked in there were a few couples, families gathered. Many we 'knew' through a yahoo group. We shared travel experiences, and exchanged what little information we had. The couple we traveled to Haiti with, Tony and Barb and their beautiful family came about this time. I don't think I was ever so happy to see a familiar face. They are a lovely couple, adopting a sweet little girl about 6 months older than Er. We went and had pizza with them, to avoid the media that was present.

About 10:30pm we got wind that the plane had not left Haiti. There was a moment of panic, in my little heart. My greatest fear was that they wouldn't be given permission to leave Haiti, or enter the USA. And then God rushed the words of Isaiah in. "I will bring your children from the east". And on my knees I went. I prayed for the plane's engines to work. For the pilots health, for the US Army on the ground to have an urge to get that plane out of there. For the weather to stay clear. For the other parents to be called to storm the gates of heaven. There was no doubt that there was a spiritual battle raging for these children. And that getting that plane out of Haiti wasn't just about logistics.

The plane left, and there was a quick celebration, followed by the weight of what was happening. Some of these parents had waited 3+ years for their children. Some had received a referral just a month prior. I can't imagine being either of those families. The longer you wait, the harder it is to believe it will happen. And a month of a referral, and a week of preparation to be a parent - imagine that. All of us felt the weight of what was going to happen.

About 1:00am we got word that the plane had landed in the USA. We knew we still had a long night ahead of us, but knowing our kids were in the same country,was enough in that moment. We spent the next 8 hours trying to sleep on the floor, visiting, and trying to keep warm while sleeping on the floor. Around 7:00am, they started to prepare us. Giving us name tags with our kids names on them to wear. We attempted to find a good cup of coffee. We attempted to find something healthy to eat. Both proved impossible. About 8:00am, they took us to a different part of the airport to wait to be given the kids. We were quite the motly crew. About 60 people, who hadn't slept in days, playing follow the leader through through a busy airport. I wondered if people watching us would hear the story, and realize they got to glimpse a miracle in the works.

We were lead into a large conference, where we sat and waited patiently (kinda). The energy in the room was one of hope, trepidation, and exhaustion. There were jokes being made, prayers being said, journals, picture taking, and overall a restlessness. We heard the kids were being moved to the conference room next to us. We started to feel our hearts race.

Dixie (the director of GLA) came in to talk to us. She told us the kids had done good, that we weren't to spoil them, and that is about all I really remember. They would then called us out a couple families at a time to be united with our kids in the hall. We would then go to the other conference room to 'hang out' for awhile, and were free to go when we were ready. As we waited for this process to start, we heard the kids singing through the wall. At the orphanage, when one child left, the rest of them would sing to them before they left. They were singing to each other, to us, to God. Hallelujah. In Creole. It was the sound of heaven. It is indescribable. But I do believe in that moment, we got a glimpse of heaven. Of what redemption looks like. Of spiritual victory. Of Grace. Of peace. Of Love.

They started to call out names, and parents left to become families. The excitement in the room was beyond words. If adoption is a representation of God adopting us, and the angels rejoicing when we are received, then the feeling in that room must be what heaven is like. The pure joy at seeing God working. And lives being forever changed, because of who he is.

The staff came in and gave a quick update, and called our names. And then asked us to give them a couple minutes. I think we did. But maybe not. A couple minutes felt like a couple hours. I know we waited some, because the other families told us to go ahead and go. We walked through the doors into a crowded hall. There were at least 4 other families, a couple news crews, some staff and security. And we saw Re and Er standing there. Waiting for us. Looking smaller than I remembered. Er looked scared, and tired. Re looked excited and nervous. When he saw us, there was a moment of recognition. I told myself I'd be calm, cool and collected. There was media, other people, and I wasn't going to make a fool of myself.

Those who know me, know that this was a ridiculous expectation. All of the worry, fright, uncertainty, exhaustion, and unknowns flew away when I laid eyes on them. All the other people faded away. It became quiet and holy. And I ran to them. And fell on my knees in front of them. And wrapped my arms around them. And told them I love you. And that we came back for them. (We had promised Re that we would come back for him when we left Haiti). And that is about all I remember of those moments. I know I cried like a baby. And I know that God was wrapping his arms around our family in that moment, and blessing us. And that the feeling of pure joy of being united with the children you loved and waited for, was a small piece of what God must feel when one of us come back to him, desiring to be loved by him. That the God who knew what it meant to be separated from the children he loves, also knows how sweet the reunion is.

We then went into the conference room to hang out for awhile. And as we sat playing with our children, we watched family after family come in, miracle after miracle. A family that were on year 4, TOGETHER. A mother with a inconsolable baby, thankful for the opportunity to hold her crying child in her arms at last. Our friends with their daughter, our families sitting next to each other playing again. The strength of the staff to let go of the children they have loved. We watched our children share their juice and crackers around. We watched woman become mothers. Men become fathers. Couples become parents.

There was a group who provided supplies in the conference room, along with drinks and snacks. I am soo grateful for that. We didn't bring diapers thinking that Er was potty trained. I hadn't thought to bring a first aid kit. We hadn't brought nearly enough snacks. We didn't have a change of clothes for Er and she leaked through her diaper before we had a chance to change her. And yet, everything we needed was there. And the volunteers were so gracious.

After about an hour and half, we said goodbyes to their friends and caregivers. To sweet Molly and Joyce, whose strength amazed me. Whose grief I can't even begin to imagine. We tried to thank them, but words will never be enough. If you are reading this Molly or Joyce. We love you.

We got our paperwork, and ourselves together. We then left. Just like that. A family. We just walked out of the room, down the elevator, out to catch the shuttle back to the hotel. Just like any other family. It was a moment we had longed for, prayed for, had faith to believe would happen even when the world fell apart. And it did. Because that is who God is. A God of restoration. A God of completion. A God of Grace and Love. A God who tells his story of love, over and over again. And that he has used us to tell his story, humbles me daily.

I will finish telling about our time in Miami. About the trip home. About more moments of grace and love along the way.

Okay, my disclaimer. The time frame was put together through a fog of memories, and a few notes I jotted down. It is probably not completely accurate.

Morning...

Ahhh...mornings and I have never been compatable. Thus the reliance on coffee.

However, this morning has to have been one of the more comical. Like you laughing at me, and one day years down the road, I laugh with you.

So Er crawled into bed with us about 6:30am. Her mouth hurting from thrush. So up I get, in the shower to wake up. Er stayed in the bathroom, and in 10 minutes managed to spray hairspray over her hands, pull out an entire box of tampons and spread them all over the floor, lining them up, and get naked. IN TEN MINUTES!!

So cleanup that mess, brush teeth, and get dressed. Advise Re that in five minutes, we'd turn off tv and get ready for our day. Unload dryer, and come back and turn off tv. Wailing and nashing of teeth follows. Pick Er up to get dressed, go to bedroom. Hear TV come on. Walk back to living room, turn off TV to protest from Re. Remind him it's time to get ready for school. He shakes his head, I ignore the protest and go get Er dressed.

While in there room, smell pee. Trying to figure out which bed is wet. Neither is....hmmm...mystery to be solved later in the day when brain is working at a higher level. Go back to living room, where Re is hiding in blanket. Go start breakfast, as food usually motivates him. Well, as soon as english muffins were served, he was ready to eat. Except he was dressed in his pj's and we eat breakfast in our clothes. So instead of getting dressed, he stood by the food and tried to figure a way to get to it. So off we go, hand in hand to get dressed. I choose his clothes, and start to take pj's off. He lets me, but I can tell he is unhappy about this. I just keep telling him I'm happy to help him, and since he needs clothes to eat breakfast, I'll help him get dressed so he can eat. In the process, I accidentally scratch his face, and he falls completely apart. The same kid who can take a major spill on his rollerblades and get up laughing. So hugs and kisses later, we are finally dressed.

Breakfast is served. Re ate what was in front of him, asked for more and was given another english muffin. I told him to eat the strawberries and drink his milk while he waiting. He pushed the strawberries away, and grunted. Okay, so you don't want them. Anyone want them? Okay, here you go. Now Re wants them. Bummer, that is the last of them. Nope, can't take your sisters, as she is already have quite a morning. Every bite makes her cry. Bite, cry, give her a drink of water, bite, cry, drink, bite, cry, drink....

With breakfast over, it's time to get ready for school. Re backpack is full of water from a leaking water bottle. Books and homework ruined. Find spelling words he didn't have for this week. He needs snack. Animal crackers gone. Er is still eating. Bite, cry, drink, bite, cry, drink in the background. Re wants to try every cracker we have to decide which one. But it's time to be walking out the door, not having a food sampling. So mom packs snack, and Re gets an apple, and I remind him he still needs shoes. He shakes his head no. At this point, I no longer really care if he wears shoes, as long as he takes them. So I hand them to him, and tell him that he will have them when his socks get wet. This seems to register and he decides that isn't a good plan. So he gets them halfway on, and whines for help, so after another small battle shoes are successfully on and tied.

Er is still eating a bite, crying and drinking. When she suddenly jumps up and runs for the bathroom. She makes is by a hair. So the continuous drinking for an hour is going to create many potty breaks. I usher kids out to school, hugs and kisses, sweatshirts adjusted, and sigh a huge sigh of relief. Now to clean the breakfast up, switch laundry, have coffee, figure out where the pee is at, and then off to the library for storytime, then to the doctors office. No wonder I crashed last night, I must have known what was coming.

Attachment vs Connection

Here is a little bit of something I've been chewing on, and now it's time to regurgitate it out.



I'm reading an excellent book about adoption. Best I've read yet, and I've read quite a few. But most are theory. And your staring at your child wondering how in the world to apply the theory to them in that moment. So 'Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child' is really good. It's practical. It's written for parents. But not dumbed down for parents. It's written for smart parents. Anyone, if you've adopted out of the USA, it's a must read. Although an adoptive parent could benefit from it.



However, it's given me ALOT to chew on. A new way of looking at this whole parenting Re and Er. A different approach then I would have known to take.



The main point I've gotten out of it is CONNECTION. Attachment always seemed like this mythical moment that would happen, and then we'd be a family. And we'd forever feel like we belong together. And nothing could separate us. And all would be right in our little part of the world. But here is the problem with that - I don't think that is how relationships work. Sometimes your really attached to your spouse, and sometimes you can't stand to be in the same space for more than two minutes. Sometimes your children drive you nuts, and you wonder which grandparent would be willing to take them for a few hours or days. Can a 12 year old ride a greyhound bus by herself? (that is another post) Sometimes friendships are tight, and sometimes they fall apart. Sometimes families become divided. Relationships aren't static. They change. Attachments change and are hard to pin down when they do happen.



But CONNECTION - you can see and feel it happening. You can create it. You can foster it. It's like a fiber-optic cable between you and the other person. Once the cable is complete and all systems go - attachment has happened. But it takes hundreds of wires to make the cable capable. Once you've had a moment of connection, it's a tiny little wire running between you both. Enough of those moments create a family, over time.



And those moments HAVE to be on the child's level. Because what really matters if their family age, their adjusted age considering the circumstances prior to adoption and how long they have been with you, their parents. So Re is 8. But really, we are parents many moments on an 2 month old level. Or a two year old level. Instead of being frustrated that he won't go to bed like an 8 year old, we understand that a 2 month old needs soothed to bed, comforted when unsure, and that those moments are precious, as they are connecting moments. We can see that holding Er alot would be annoying, if we didn't keep in mind how much you hold a two month old. You don't expect them to go play without mom, or to not want picked up when fussy. So it gives us an appropriate perspective to view them and these first years with them.



And attachment may happen in a way that we know it's happened. Or maybe the connection just continues to grow, and the trust and communication improves. And we look back ten years from now, and say attachment happened somewhere along the line. But regardless of how attached we are, we can choose connection. We can choose to play on the floor with blocks, to play a game to work on eye contact, to rock them to sleep, to feed them, to rub backs and hold hands, and a million other little things that create moments of connection. And we do that because we love them. And love has very little to do with how we feel, but the commitment we made to them as their parents.



And the great thing about 'Parenting your Internally Adopted Child' is that it give practical, tangible things to do to create connection. And gives you a child's perspective, so that you can start to figure the behavior and what need really needs met. So there is my little infomercial. And my chewed up thoughts on attachment vs connection. Stay tuned for my thoughts on adjustment....almost as exciting. For those of you who aren't adoptive parents, I promise to post on other more interesting topics soon.



Mainly the topic of an 8 year old boys bathroom habits is coming....