2010

What a year the last year has been. Last year at this time I could not have imagined what the following 30 days would bring.
To be honest, since my mom died in January eight year ago, I've always spent the last week in December bracing myself for the month to come. It's got a history in our family. And generally it's not a time period I look forward to. People die in January in my family. Last year, we were just praying for no bad news in January. We had no idea that just around the corner was a life defining moment, unlike any we could have imagined.
In retrospect, what have I learned from the last 12 months. A lot, and very little. The more I learn of God, the more I realize I know soo little. But in an attempt to not lose the lessons, I'm going to try to summarize them. Which probably won't work. I can get a little long winded.
-God is a God of COMPLETION. What he begins, he finishes. It may be in a different time frame than we wish or not the outcome we had hoped for, but he does complete the work. His desire is that we surrender to his completed plan, not our own.
-God will provide. Ok, we knew that. What we didn't really understand is that the means he has to provide is through each other. He doesn't drop balloons of money out of the sky, although he could. He ask that those who love him, to show up with food, clothes, money, or just a hug. And when they do, he is present in all those encounters. In the moments when we hear his Holy Spirit say, "Give to them, Give here, Hug them, Bring them dinner, Buy them groceries, Give them the kids coats." That is God providing for those who love him, by those who love him.
-God is the Healer. We are not. He will restore our children's trust. He will heal the wounds of abandonment. He will build the strands of attachment. We need to show up and do the work, be obedient to him, and love the kids with all our might. But he is the healer. He heals through every hug, every cuddle, every time out, every time we stay present in the grief and allow them the safe place to let it out. He deserves all the GLORY in the progress our kids have made.
-Marriage is not easy when your both at a level 7 stress all the time. It changes the dynamics between you, and you will need a whole new level of understanding and grace to get through it.
-God's word is the main source of spiritual nourishment. That when you live in a level 7 stress level, you better be eating well. I've also learned that God's word in not meant to be taken in antidote moments, one verse here, one verse there. It's a story to be understood in it's entirety. It's God revealing himself, in each encounter with us, and each encounter teaches us something. However, if you really want to see a complete picture of God, you have to see all of it. This has been an important spiritual foundation that I'd been missing.
-Church, especially the American church, is quite honestly disillusioned. It isn't biblical, and quite happy to stay that way. It has chosen what of the bible to teach, to apply to itself, and is largely just a reflection of the American culture, and not a reflection of Jesus. I don't mean to offend, but we can't ignore how Jesus called us to live, and how the church calls us to live, and the huge gap between them. This is really another post, in and of itself. So I'll leave it there.
-Peoples true characters come through in crisis. We learned this year, who was willing to show up and be present, when it was ugly around here. We learned who just wanted some of the attention. We learned to let go of the relationships that were unhealthy, as we came to a point where there was no more energy to give them. We learned that when we release those relationships, it frees up space to allow other relationships to grow.
-People will make assumptions about you, based on a small amount of information. Don't take it personal. Those assumptions may be positive or negative. Don't take either too seriously. Their opinion isn't the one that matters.
-Love doesn't require the other person to love you first. Real LOVE doesn't. Christ like love, loves when it's not returns. Christ like love, loves when there is anger and frustration. Christ like love, forgives without being asked. Christ like love, says I love you, knowing there is no I love you in return. That the real test of love, is loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving in the pain. Loving in the anger. Loving in the impossible.

That sums it up. It's been a big year for our family. I'm attempted to pray for a quiet year in 2011. But I'm afraid that God might just give it to us. And as nice as it sounds, I don't want to waste a year in complacency. I want God to move mountains in 2011. I want to be part of miracles. I want to be part of where God is working. However, it's not about what I want. So instead we surrender to his completed plan, whatever that may be.

Christmas

I don't know if I have the language to describe the last 3 days. It was all I hoped it would be, and more. There were moments that were perfection. Moments of holiness. Moments of understanding and comprehension. Moments that brought me to tears, and more than a few that brought my soul to it's knees.

God is a God of completion and perfection. It's hard to see and comprehend that in our broken, ugly world. Christmas time reminds me gently and softly that he came to save us from this ugly, mean world. And he came in humbleness. He came like no man would have come. Like only God would. Completely humble and perfect in it's plan. And that he came knowing that most would not respond. And yet, for those who would, he came. And stayed. In the mundane, everyday, messy moments of our lives. And then that he'd use me to reveal himself into this world- that brings my soul to it's knees in humble understanding.

And that he is coming. That we are not meant for this world for long. That Christmas is also the anticipation of his return, and the return of all things to how he designed it. Without the ugly, without the broken, without the pain. Christmas time with family and friends, with gifts being shared, food being enjoyed together, past hurts and current pains being put aside for a day, reminds me of what is to come, not for a holiday season, but forever. The feast to come is reflected in the softness of the warm yeast rolls, the savory elk steak, the favorite glass of wine, and the perfectly made fudge. The Christmas Eve service, with corporate worship that filled my spirit with longing to see my Jesus, is a small sampling of what is to come as the saints march into the New Jerusalem. That the hugs and sweet conversations with family and friends, will be but a shadow of the perfect and complete relationships we will share for eternity. Christmas makes me remember and long for what is to come.

Now, what most of you really want to know about - the kids. Christmas was exciting, and I believe it rose above all their expectations. They were thrilled with opening presents and all the attention. We enjoyed watching them in their excitement. We enjoyed the sweetness of their mere presence this year. We saw God's provision and grace poured out on them and us. They soaked it all in, and my prayer is that the last three days solidifies even more how loved, desired, and anticipated they were. Re especially has wanted to know what we did for Christmas when he wasn't here. Knowing we had his stocking from 2 years ago, and his ornaments from the last 2 years, helped him to understand how much they were ours before they came home. And how deeply entrenched they are into our family. Er was just content knowing those presents under the tree were for her. Ce and P were thankful that while some things were different this year, many things were the same. And that the things that were different, were better. They reaped the benefit of parents who were able to be wholly present in their Christmas this year.

As for R and I, well...this year has been anticipated for many years. Four to be exact. For four years we had children that weren't home for Christmas. That weren't home to pick out the tree, decorate it, put presents under, bring home the nativity coloring sheet from church, wake you up Christmas morn, or snuggle in your lap in new pj's. Every part of Christmas was mixed in sadness, for what was missing. The sweetest of this year, was the fulfillment of God's promise to us. God's promise four years ago when we began this crazy process to have more children. God's promise when I left them in Haiti. God's promise in January, when all hope seemed lost. God's promise in the moments when it was too hard, when grief was all we saw, and God's healing touch was the only solution. He has shown up. In mighty and grand ways. And we aren't deserving. Trust me, we aren't. We aren't deserving of any of it. It is by Jesus humbleness and grace, his willingness to come down and be our Savior, that our cries are heard. It is his humble, gentle presence in our individual hearts and our family, that healing is happening. It is HIM who moved mountains. It is HIM who is healing. It is HIM who has blessed us. We are humbled. Daily. Christmas just bring the focus back to HIM. In remembrance and anticipation.

Christmas is in the air...

And this year it's all sweet. The last two Christmas's have been bittersweet. The first one after our referral was a little bittersweet, but we didn't have a real attachment yet. It was sad that Re and Er weren't here, but we were hopeful they'd be home by the next Christmas. Optimistic, but naive.
Last year, was full of bittersweet moments. We know by October, that it wasn't going to be that they'd be home. But we had held them in July. We knew the sound of their voices. We knew how they felt in our arms. We could imagine their excitement and expressions of being overwhelmed. We knew just what we wanted to get them for Christmas. So every tradition had an edge of longing to it. Getting the tree, we wished they were there. As we got our the ornaments we had bought for them the year before, we ached to have them put them on the tree. As we opened gifts, I thought of them opening gifts without a Mom and Dad to ooohhh and ahhhh. I thought of them going to bed on Christmas Eve, wondering if someone had to tuck them in over and over again, as they tried to stay awake to catch a peek at Santa. I prayed someone reminded them that it all was really about the gift of GRACE that Jesus was.
This year - it's all sweet. Getting to enjoy them as they ran around the tree lot, hiding amongst the trees and drinking hot chocolate. The JOY that cascaded down my soul as they pulled out the ornaments I've lovingly chosen just for them the last two years, and carefully hung on the tree. The sense of anticipation that Re exudes everyday as he counts down the days. The way Er says "It's Christmas, Jesus Birthday. We have party in the park with party hats." Hearing Jingle Bells 22 times an hour. Listening to them remember what Christmas was like in Haiti at GLA. Answering questions daily about what we do on Christmas. Explaining again that yes we will make Christmas cookies.
And as I personally meditate on what the gift of Christ coming to earth mean to me, I'm again amazed at how adoption is a perfect picture of God's redemption of me. That Christ was my dossier. He was the adoption cost, the approval, the authorization that I needed to be an daughter of God. That just as I stood before authority and vowed to provide for the needs of my children, and give them the same rights and privilege as biological children, Jesus stood before the authority of God and vowed to provide what I needed, that I'd have the privilege of being in his family.
And the amazing thing is this, he doesn't demand that I love him, despite all he did. And as a parent, there are days it's tempting to demand it. To guilt, to manipulate, to try and force it. And yet, he could and he doesn't. He wants so much more than that. He wants us to choose to love him.
That he came as a humble human being. He took on the body of a mortal. That the infinite God, become burdened by humanness. So I could relate to him. So I'd know he'd been where I'd been. So I could relate to him. It makes no sense. That he created prophesy, and fulfilled them all, so I'd have a reason to believe. So mankind would see his faithfulness. His perfect faithfulness. So he would be known to me. I just can't get my mind around it.
However, I do know this. He is a God of Redemption. Through the birth of Christ. Through the fulfillment of prophesy. Through the deliverance of me from my sin. Through the healing of grief. The very fact that my children are here.