A difficult post to write

I've been thinking about this a lot in the last couple days. I've been processing it, and trying to decide if I should even blog about it. But I've always wanted this blog to be REAL. To be honest about our adventure, all of it! Not just the fun part. Not just the joy. But also the sorrow. The sadness. It's hard to be vulnerable and admit it's not all sunshine and roses. It's hard knowing that others will judge what I say, and not in my favor. But I feel in light of the sudden onset of people wanting to adopt from Haiti, that I must share ALL of it.
Our decision to adopt was a hard decision. It took a long time. A lot of prayer. A lot of talking. A lot of surrendering. And an acceptance of a calling from God. It was not made in moments of emotion.
And when I hear people dying to adopt NOW, I wonder... Do they really have the facts and knowledge to make that decision. Or are they reacting to the emotions of the last 3 weeks. I know God will use this to stir in peoples hearts. To bring to light the needs of Haiti. I don't doubt that. But adoption is serious business, not to be taken lightly. It's a commitment to parent a child for a LIFETIME. A child that has been traumatized. A child that comes broken in little pieces. A child that God can use your family to bring healing, but it will take alot of sacrifice and hard work. It will impact your other children in ways you can't imagine. It will impact your marriage in a much different way than biological children.
Here is the thing - it's really hard. It's unpleasant. It's hard to watch your children suffer, and not be what they need to make it better. It's hard to struggle to do the basic day to day task with a 7 year old. It's tough to watch the impact on your biological children. You grieve the family that was. You miss the quiet moments in the evenings with your other children. You miss being able to pick up and go do stuff. You miss the simple life that was. It doesn't mean you regret it. It doesn't mean you'd change a thing. But change is hard. Even good change. And sometimes it gets better in a matter of months, and sometimes it never does.
See here is where you have to get to make a decision to adopt. When you can say this and accept it, you can proceed forward. If we adopt, and it isn't a happy forever family, we will accept that. When you are willing to proceed knowing the outcome may be children who never attach to you, but you will love them and make decisions for them with their best interest at mind - then you can proceed. When you are willing to move forward, knowing your biological children may resent you for disturbing their world forever, and may hold it against you - then you are ready to move forward. See, you can read every book, listen to every pod cast, talk to every adoptive parent and do everything that it recommended - and still have children who don't attach, biological children who resent it, and a strained marriage. Because they are people. And people don't always follow the 'rules'. When you are ready to accept a less than ideal outcome, you are ready to start moving forward. Otherwise you will be disappointed. There is no ideal outcome in adoption. Ideal for these kids is a lifetime in their birth family and birth country. Anything less than that is settling for them. You aren't a family coming to rescue them. To save them. There is no white horse to ride in on. No matter how sad they look in the news. The wailing of grieve of all they lost will easily make the image in the news look pretty. You are their second choice. You are the compromise for them. They may love you, but you will never be entirely enough for them.
But obeying a calling isn't about a pretty outcome. It isn't about an emotion, or pursuing happiness. It's about becoming who God intends you to be. It's about trusting and surrendering, even when the situation makes you want to react in your own power. It's trusting God to heal them. It's trusting that while you are a compromise, they will find love and peace with you. It is trusting that the sorrow will be replaced by joy, by a God of restoration. It's about creating a family in the way God called you to. It's not a reaction to a crisis. It's not a quick decision to rescue a poor orphan from their awful birth country. It's a decision that should be made after much research and prayer - these kids in Haiti deserve that. They have already lost too much, they can't afford adoptive parents who didn't understand what they were getting into.