Thankful for...

R- his willingness to stick around through anything. For putting up with my mood swings, craziness, and somehow loving me through it all.

Ce-her tender and kind heart. Her willingness to be an extra pair of hands and eyes.

P-her sweet and loving spirit. For her quiet and loving affection. For being willing to take on being a big sister with a loving heart.

R-his energy and openness to having a new family. For his acceptance of us and openness to being loved.

Er-her ability to keep us on our toes and in lots of laughter. Her excitement and joy over the possibility of what tomorrow brings



For the love and support of our family and friends this last year. For our home, that is dry and warm. For medical care and antibiotics. For food and water. For warmth and light.



This last year has been full of lessons. We couldn't have imagined this time last year, what the next 12 months would hold. Or the lessons to be had.



If there is one lesson we are most grateful for it is this...

God is who God is, regardless of our situation. He is a God of redemption and restoration. That fact is not dependent on how I feel in the moment, or what the situation looks to be. He has restored and redeemed. He is restoring and redeeming. Right now. In the moments when the grace is evident. And even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it's ever going to be okay. Especially in those moments. We are grateful for all those moments.



We came close to losing our two children in January. No matter how others viewed our relationship with them, they were our children, as much a part of us as our biological children. The fact that they lived in another country didn't change that. There were moments of sheer terror that they'd never live in our family. That an earthquake was going to somehow disrupt God's plan. But God is who God is...regardless of the facts in the moment. And he redeemed the situation. In the moments we thought there was no hope, he was already working out the details. His ability to move mountains wasn't based on our faith. He is who He is.

And in the moments of incomparable grief, when healing seemed to be an impossibility - God was binding together their broken hearts. When we wondered if we'd ever start to feel like a family, he was creating bonds between us. When we looked at the checkbook, and it felt as if there wasn't enough, he was already bringing provision.

God is who He is. He is the God of redemption. Not just one time at the cross, but daily in our relationships to him and to each other. I'm grateful for so much, but if it all was gone tomorrow I'd still be grateful for a God who is.

Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.

Halloween

We trick or treated last night. For the first time. Seriously, we have NEVER really taken the kids out to the neighborhood to knock on strangers doors for free candy. All the 'right' reasons behind this decision. Blah, blah, blah...until we found ourselves without a church carnival to attend (which for the record, we could have gone back to our old church and would have been welcomed, but it would have been confusing for the kids) and a beautiful evening and kids having fun. Re exclaimed, "Mom, Life is good, let's not change anything!" Ce and P, who also had never trick or treated, were enjoying this funny American tradition for the first time also. It was really fun to do as a family. They looked out for each other, said Thank You's and we were proud that they were ours. So while, we know it wasn't probably the most Christian right thing to do, I can't help but grin when I think of our kids walking together, helping each other avoid the curbs in the dark and sharing their stash when we got home. So our first Halloween was a raging success!

Just think of Christmas a coming...

FUN Stuff

Just a few fun updates...
-We have citizenship papers for Re and Er. They are legit to be here for as long as they like. And to come back if you they don't like it and leave, and discover it wasn't so bad after all. Or if we decide to fly them out of USA boundaries, we can bring them back. Or if we move out of country, we all can come back and visit. (All of which are possible)
-After an hour and 15 minutes at the eye doctors, the conclusion was this: Three oldest children all really want glasses. All three oldest children have perfect, or better than perfect sight. All three children are disappointed by this SAD news. Mom is standing back, shaking her head, remembering the trauma of ugly 80's glasses at age 9. Youngest child, clueless about glasses, will be receiving a pair of bright pink/orange pair in a week. Other children insanely jealous. Mom does not remember her siblings being jealous about her great rose colored glasses she received as her first pair. Mom thrilled to hear she is a candidate for Lasik -even though she now has very cute green pair of glasses. A morning of irony.
-Er is feeding the dog, three days worth at a time. Which explains why the dog food bill has increased three fold. And why the dog is having a harder time jumping up on the bed.
-School is going well. Homework is being done with minimal complaint. So far no late turn-ins. It is October, so I don't expect this to last.
-We have made an exciting decision for our family. Out of conviction, and a desire to be more of the people and family God desires for us; we are now attending Solid Rock, A Jesus Church. While we are missing our Dayspring family, it is with their blessing we have moved on. We are excited about what God is doing at Solid Rock, and feel blessed to be a small part of it. We are taking the next 9 months to just grow. To be prepared to serve. This is the first time in 10+ years we haven't actively been involved in ministry. But God has been clear - this year is a year of preparation. We are excited to see what God is preparing for us. We have no idea, but our prayer is that he'd be preparing the work of our hands, as he prepares our hearts.
-The cool thing about going to church in Portland, we are already in Portland once a week. So we might as well take advantage of it, and do the fun stuff Portland offers. I'm always thinking, we should go do this, and then we don't because it's sooo far away, in Portland. But since we are already there, it's not so far away anymore. So if you have any ideas, of cheap or free Portland places or events, let me know.

Well, time is up. Er is helping herself to cereal. Kids will be running through the door, and I won't be able to put a whole sentence together.

Hole in our Gospel Chapter 4

Okay, I've read the entire book. But blogging it seems to be taking me much longer. But this process of putting it in, and then putting it out seems to be cementing it in. Which is exactly why I stalled in the process. This isn't easy stuff to put in and then put out, and cement in. To say this has been life changing is an understatement. Some of which we are not free to share on a public forum as of yet. So it's hard to blog honestly, while not being able to be fully honest. I either spew it all, or keep it in. Alot like vomiting. Either it stays down, or it all comes up. Yep, blogging is my brain and heart vomiting over the Internet.

So I continue on with Chapter 4 - holding back a little.
Isaiah 58 summed up...
God "I see you going through the motions and how people are impressed, and yet I'm not happy with you. I want more than your attendance at church, your tithe, your fasting. I want you to care. To care about those who are oppressed, hurt, poor, and naked. I want you to bring my kingdom to them, and when you do - I WILL SHOW UP."
The other part, the part I'd like to gloss over is quoted here by Richard. "So he suggested in this passage something that ought to stun our own beliefs about prayer-that because of their hypocrisy, He would not even listen to their prayers! We take it as foundational that God will always listen to our prayers, but this passage suggests that we should not expect God to listen to prayers offered by insincere hearts." WOW - that sends shock waves of fear and awe through my spirit. He is the GOD of the UNIVERSE - he is not obligated to listen to me whine about needing more, when I'm not doing his work. How often I've prayed and wondered if God was just saying no. Now, maybe he was saying, "I'm ignoring your religiosity, come to me when you are ready to hear me above your whining, I got work for you to do and then I'm going to blow your mind."
Richard then goes on to break down Matthew 25. So here I am feeling awfully convicted. Not because of what Richard has written, but because of what Isaiah says. And then, there is this Matthew 25. The summary...God is coming back, and all will stand before him. He will sort them out into two groups. So far so good, I'm thinking. So I'm thinking it's got to be -Those who believe in Christ, those who don't. Those who are written in the book of life, those who aren't. Those who are ashamed, those who aren't. But it's not. The two groups are these - Those who feed the hungry, cared for the poor, visited the prisoners and those who didn't. The righteous and the unrighteous. As determined by how they treated other humans, the least of these. Righteousness determined by how we LOVED those who were hurting, and in turn LOVED him. And the amazing promise to the righteous- You are blessed, you have an inheritance, and I've prepared a place for you in my kingdom. And to those who turned their back on him, as they ignored the hurting - the promise is equally powerful. 'Then they will go away to eternal punishment".
So God sees past our outer appearances, and when our hearts aren't lined up to his, he may choose to ignore our petitions. And when our hearts are lined up with his, when they are broken for what breaks his, and we do something about it, he promises to 'you will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.' And when we stand before him, we will be judged our not just our church attendance, but if we did something about what breaks his heart. That is how he will know we loved him.
It's not earning our way into heaven. That is through grace alone. However, if we are in relationship with God, and our hearts are becoming like his, it will show up in our lives in the way we treat the least of these.
This is what I come away with, personally.
Anita, you say you love Jesus. And if church attendance and tithing is good indications of that - then your golden. Unfortunately, they are not. They are not bad things, and are certainly necessary. But don't be content with them alone. God is not. He asks more of you. He ask that you love him tangibly, here on earth, by caring and loving the least of these. And if you do, he has an eternal reward. If you don't, know that there will be a time of accounting. And your earthly excuses will be sooo lame in light of the throne of heaven, and the tribes of the nations. So just a little convicting. Alot convicting. And we have been praying for answers about what to do with that conviction. And some of the answers have been quite painful. Some have been surprising. Some are still unanswered. At this time, we know that we are not doing what God has commanded of his people. I know that most would consider us to be quite okay in this department, adoption and all. But I've come to realize we will not be judged against other Americans. If so, we are probably pretty safe. Nope, we will be held up to the light of the throne of God. And surrounding us will be the tribes of the world. So we may be standing next to the African widow, who regularly shared her food with the orphan. Or the Chinese man who risked his life to give a bible to his neighbor. Or the missionary in a third world country who lived with the physical restraints and discomfort that comes with that. In light of that, I hang my head in shame. Covered by the blood, but with an awareness of the patheticness (not sure if that is really a word?) of what is going to come out of my mouth when I stand before him and account for my life.
So prayer about what is next. . . wish I could share more. Wish I had more answers, but right now there is just alot of questions. But God is preparing us for something. The answers we have are challenging and are testing us for something.

I wrap up with this quote, Matthew 25 put into modern language and culture by Richard.
"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."

Busyness...

Oh how it's been busy around here: REALLY, REALLY busy...
here is the good news-
-we have an appointment for immigration in September. Once we go and present our documents, turn in the forms, get fingerprinted and write one more big check, then we should have two new American citizens amongst us!
-we are preparing for school. R has made significant progress in reading comprehension, and math this summer. P is excited to be able to see her friends daily. CN has also made progress in math this summer, and hopefully will continue the progression to grade level in the next year.
-we spent a long weekend with my family, and got to introduce R and Er to my childhood home. They swam in the same spot in the river, ate at the truckstop and got to go fishing with Grandpa.
-we enjoyed a fabulous visit with the famous Joyce and Molly- famous to those GLA families. They are two of the most beautiful woman, and their hearts for our children is unbelievable. They brought some of R and Er's belongings from Haiti, as well as coffee and ketchup. The visit seemed to be a turning point with R, and he has been more open to connection than ever before.

Six Months Ago...

We were on a plane headed to Miami. Our kids would be flying out that evening. We were tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. We were trying to figure out how one prepares, and realizing they don't. We were trying to figure out what the next 24 hours would involve. We didn't have any idea what to expect. We didn't expect this...



Er pees in the shower. Not while taking a shower. Pulls her pants down, squats over the edge and pees. Explains the smell that I haven't been able to get rid of in that bathroom.



Re just caught a spider in his bare hands. A good size one. He asked to keep it. I said no. So he smushed it on my counter. The take it outside part only came after it was dead. His explanation, "My mom didn't want it."



Re was watering the roses. Er wanted a turn. She walked right up to him. Right up the stream of water. And then got mad at him that her tank top was wet.



All four kids share a room to sleep. They sleep in different arrangements. They sleep in different spots. It's not unusual for there to be someone on our floor. Sleeping arrangements are very fluid right now.



That there would be over $5000 in just medical and dental expenses after insurance. Okay, this we should have known, but we just didn't really give it too much thought.



How exhausted this process of transition is. On them, on us. How much energy it would take to meet the basic needs on a daily basis. Forget the extras like laundry and dishes. How much it would take out of us emotionally to see our children in so much pain.



That our children would struggle with missing Haiti so much. I said I knew that. I thought I knew -- I could not have. That I'd feel so inadequate in those moments. That I'd be so helpless. That there would moments I'd doubt that this benefited them at all. Or was just really selfish on our part.



That our marriage would change. Not like when we had biological children. Not like other life changing events. But that we would both be so changed by our new life, our marriage would have to change to survive.



That these last six months would make us rethink everything we thought we knew. About parenting. About marriage. About loving God. About church. About serving him. About following him. About obedience and trust.



I've said all along that adoption is not for the faint of heart. If that is true, than parenting adopted children are for the warriors. The kind of warrior that goes to bed exhausted, wakes up exhausted, but puts on the gear to fight another day, knowing the battle at hand matters. The kind that steps up to the front lines and says, "I have won the battle, for MY God promises it to be so." and then holds a grieving child. The kind of warrior that says to her leader, " I do NOT understand, but I will GO and DO that which you ask, trusting your supreme understanding."

I'm learning how to be that warrior. I'm learning how to lay down my own desires, for the good of who I serve. I'm learning how to not only love my children, but to be the mother God desires me to be. The woman God created me to be. And it's hard work. It's draining, and some days I think I can't do another day. And then the cry of my heart is heard by the God for the universe, and I have the strength to continue on. That we are adopted by him, and not just brought into the family, but parented. Encouraged, disciplined, loved through action, and being grown.