Update

So how the heck did three months go by without me noticing. Seriously??

New News...

My brother and sister in law are expecting again. Which means I get to be an Auntie again. Which I love!!

I learned to corn row. This is HUGE in our world. We have been blessed with a lovely woman who is from Africa, and willing to teach us 'white mama's' what to do with our kids hair. Re has decided he wants his braided too. We shall see...

And the kids...

Well, it's been almost a year and a half. It feels normal now. It seems natural. Most days. Most days I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. But that also is starting to feel normal.

Re is doing really well in school. He is at grade level in second grade. We are awaiting ESL testing from this spring to see where we are at in language development. He is certainly fluent, and will ask if he doesn't understand. He is very literal. If you say dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes, you can bet at exactly 10 minutes, he will be at the table. The food issues are improving, and we are able to be reasoned with regarding food. He still struggles with being emotional with us, with eye contact, and yet is sure to give me a hug EVERY day before school. Er is a spit fire. She continues to see us as 'nice white volunteers'. Can't imagine why we would tell her no, or why she should listen to us. She makes us laugh with all her funny comments, and the attitude that comes with them. She is attending preschool, and will be going three days a week next fall. She continues to need a lot of attachment work. I can tell when we haven't had enough eye contact games, or connection moments. She talks often about being a brown baby. A brown baby in Haiti. That I fed and took care of. We spend a lot of time explaining that she had a brown mama in Haiti, who fed her when she was a baby. And a brown sister and brothers who took care of her. And then Molly and Joyce and the nannies. She is still trying to make sense of her story. It's always fun to hear her tell her story.

P has adjusted well. Which surprises us. She always surprised us. She is the sweetest big sister. She is playing the viola, and in choir. She loves to read to Er and most nights reads to her before bed.

Ce has struggled with the adjustment. Partly being 13 just sucks. Everything at 13 sucks. Having two 'new' loud and busy siblings suck. Sharing your parents with them sucks. And no one loves her. And no one cares about her problems. And. it. sucks. to. be. 13. I remember. So we get to practice grace. And be thankful we got at least one boy. Only two mores times through this stage.

R and I are hanging in there. We had no way of knowing the impact this last year and half would have on us, personally and in our marriage. We've made a pact. If one of us tries to leave, they get full custody of all four kids. You don't get to be the one that leaves, and the fun, part-time parent. You leave, you get to be the full time single parent. Seriously, we aren't going anywhere, but we are having to work hard at making it be good.

I wish I had something super exciting to post. Maybe that is why I haven't posted. Nothing exciting is happening. Which is a very good thing in our world. Seriously, a few months with nothing exciting is exciting.

Hysterics

Okay, so a friend of mine just mentioned that I forgot a part of the story. I have purposefully left it out. Why? Because up till now you think I have it together during all of this. That I had a firm grasp of reality and was functioning. However, that is not true. Really. If God had directed my ways, if I hadn't been leaning on him, and keeping my focus on his promises, we'd never made it to Miami.
So here is two examples of how I really functioned.
1. We needed pictures to send to request the visa's. I spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out how to scan the hard copy we had. It was a picture of us with the kids in Haiti, from our visit. I was kinda freaking out. A friend stopped over, and suggested rather simply that Target does that. Puts a picture on a cd, so you have a digital image. It was like I had never heard of that. Except that two years ago, I took an entire stack of pictures and negatives in to Target, to put on a disk. So off to Target, pictures on a disc, emailed off. Two days later, I realized I had a picture in my email that would have worked. Clearly not thinking clearly. God sent my friend, to help guide me through, when my mind wasn't working.
2. I booked our flights on the phone, and then was transferred over to the hotel reservation line. I book a hotel room, explaining that we needed one we could check in early. And also that had 24 hours shuttle, because we didn't know when we'd need to be shuttled. So we booked a room with early check in and 30 minute shuttle runs, and moved on to the packing. Those things didn't happen. Here is what happened, and my reaction.
-We got off our flight, and went to wait for our shuttle. We waited 45 minutes. Which didn't make sense, because it was suppose to run every 30 minutes. We call the hotel. They tell us they send the shuttle when they know someone needs picked up. And they will send it, and will be there in 15 minutes. Another 20 minutes go by. I insist that R call the hotel. They state it just left the hotel, and will be there in 5 minutes. We've now waited over an hour, I'm very tired, and just spent the night on a plane, not sleeping and reminding myself that there was enough air for everyone, and I wasn't really going to die because I had to share my personal space. ( I don't fly well ) The shuttle shows up, and we stumble on it. I don't say anything to the driver, but if looks could kill, he'd have been pretty dead. For some reason, I pictured him sitting there finishing a cup of coffee and reading the paper for the first entire time we waited.
We walk into the hotel, a nicer hotel that catered to business people, to find three men at the desk, checking in or out. So we set our bags down. And stand there and wait. For over 15 minutes. Not one of the three people working at the desk acknowledged us. We conclude that they aren't actually checking in or out. They are just talking. So I ask if we can be helped. We are told we'll be helped when they are done with the people standing there. Standing there visiting.
Another 10 minutes go by. I'm getting angry. I'm tired. I expect to be at least greeted. I expect them to at least make a feeble attempt at customer service. I'm tired, and irrational at this point. This is not a cheap motel, and we certainly were not getting a deal. I ask again, still trying to be nice, to check in. The young man informs me check in is at 3:00pm, and points to the sign on the wall. It was about 12:15. And I was about 3 minutes away from losing my mind. I explain that we were told we'd have early check-in. He informs me that they only do early check-in, if they have rooms available, and that housekeeping is working on them. He'd check with them and get back to us.
Another 15 minutes go by. He doesn't call housekeeping. One of the housekeepers walks by, he talks to them, and tells me he doesn't have any rooms available. Now check-out is at 11:00am. So I ask if they have had people leave at 11:00, and it's almost 12:30, then it seems reasonable that at least ONE room might be available. Nope, doesn't appear so. Now, I stomp over to the couch, lay down and try to calm down. This last all of 3 minutes. I go back to the counter, and tell them we need a room in the next 10 minutes, or they need to cancel my reservation, and I'll walk over to the Hilton and get a room there, which they will get ready for a paying customer. They then tell me they can't refund our money, because it was paid to the reservation line. So I call the reservation line, and they insist that the hotel's description includes early check-in. And they can't refund it, unless it's 24 hours prior. I didn't even make the reservations 24 hours prior.
So I go inform the clerk that they have told the reservation line they do early check-in, and need to get us a room, considering we booked them for that reason. He again said they didn't have rooms available. And I became hysterical. Really, look up hysterical woman, and there is a picture of me. Tired. Wrinkled. Mad as all get out. And about to rip this kid's face right off of him. *disclaimer- he turned out to be a nice kid, he was just doing what he'd been taught to do. I demanded a manager, in the next 5 minutes. I figured they had to have one on the premises and it wasn't that big of hotel. I demanded it loudly. A few minutes later, a manager arrived. I explained, while trying not to weep, what the situation was, without being melodramatic. We reserved a room, with early check in through this company. You are refusing to check us in. We want you to get us a room in the next 10 minutes, or call the booking company, explain you refuse to honor the early check-in and we will go to the hotel next door. She went to explain they don't do early check-in and I lost it on her. Really lost it. Something like this, "You have to be kidding me. You are in the service industry. You advertise with the booking agent, that you do early check-in. You advertise you do 30 minute shuttle runs. So you lied to them, and to us. We waited over an hour just to get picked up. Then we waited 15 minutes to get someone to acknowledge we were waiting to be helped. We were told we couldn't check in early, but we booked you specifically to check in early. Your clerk said he would check with housekeeping, but couldn't be bothered to pick a phone up and call them and explain the situation. You are now refusing to refund or cancel our reservation, even though you haven't provided 2 of the 3 things you advertised and we booked you for. WE'D HAVE RECEIVED BETTER SERVICE AT THE FRICKIN SUPER 8. So I'm going to lay down in 10 minutes to sleep. Either in a room here, that we've paid for. Or at the Hilton next door. Or on the couch in your waiting room. Or maybe in the doorway, so everyone can step over me. " And then I just broke down in tears, almost to the ugly cry. I just started to lose it. And this poor woman, looked a little bewildered. And then I realized she had no clue what the big deal was. Why we didn't want to leave our baggage, go out to lunch, shop and come back in a couple hours. I started to explain that our kids were coming from Haiti that night, we hadn't really slept in days, we just flew across the states, and we NEEDED to sleep. As soon as I started to explain our situation, the ugly cry started. I managed to get something like this out, "tired, flew all night, getting our kids from Haiti, tonight. Tired, need sleep. Can't wait another 2 hours. "
She seems to get a grasp of the situation, and called housekeeping. We had a room in 10 minutes. And the offer to come get us or take us at any time, regardless of the shuttle schedule or non schedule. And they were kind enough to give us blankets to take to the airport, which turned into a very good thing. They drove us to the grocery store, they really did redeem themselves. The poor kid, who I apologized too, as well as the manager, was actually just new and young. God somehow stepped in and kept me from using all the naughty words that were running through my head, that usually aren't filtered when I'm that tired and upset. That even though I was hysterical, and it took that to get their attention, I didn't do anything that would have made me a complete hypocrite.

One year ago

One year ago we were in Miami, and we were waiting for a moment that was years in the making, and were about to witness a miracle. It's still unreal to me, and I still feel overwhelmed as I process it.
I've already blogged about waiting in Miami, and getting them. So I'm just going to provide links to those post.

Part 1

Part 2

Tomorrow marks one year of Re and Er being with us. Unbelievable. Really.

Remembering Part 3

The 20th...the day started off with a lot of concern and frustration on our part. The US government was going to allow visa's to be issued, however we were asked by the Joint Counsel to stop petitioning for security, transportation, and water for the Embassy, to provide a safe place for the children to come and be evacuated out. So we knew they could come home, but the US Government would not be providing a safe haven for them during the process. It's easy to pass judgement on the US Government for this decision. However, as time has gone by and given me perspective, I see that they would have been making an empty promise. There was children evacuated out by the US, and they were waiting at the embassy and escorted out on US aircraft. However, to offer to provide this to hundreds, possibly over a thousand children, was not possible. I'm grateful now that they let GLA know they would have to provide their own transportation. It was really God not answering the prayer, knowing much better what the other options were.
The other exciting news was that another orphanage had evacuated orphans out successfully. BRESMA set the precedent that these kids could get on a plane, and be transported out safely, and be admitted into the United States.
I'm going to give you a run-down of the emails we received, followed by our reactions and what we were doing that day. Some of it is painful to remember, some is full of JOY. It's going to be pretty honest, and unedited.
6:52am -Do not panic...wait for word on what to do. We will let you know as soon as we can... Coming into MIA might not be the way this works out, so please do not make any plans. I promise we will let you know what to do-just stand by.
A few minutes later - And pray without ceasing and trust Dixie.
We fought the instinct to make plans. We check out tickets to all the major airports on the east coast, bookmarking the major ones. We continued to wrap up arrangements here. Work, kids, and all those little details. R left to work, kids left for school. It was crazy busy, and we knew we were just killing time. We were confident it would happen, just didn't know the when. I started to really think of the list that NEEDED to get done before we brought them home, and then prioritized it. I jumped every time the phone beeped with a new email or facebook post.
At 8:48am-PLEASE do NOT post to the Internet just yet - Dixie will be making an "official" announcement on the website and we ask that you keep this quiet until at least then. ATTENTION ALL US FAMILIES: The US Embassy has issued "humanitarian parole" visas for all our children in the adoption process to US families. This means we are sending the children out tomorrow (Thursday) on a flight to Fort Lauderdale Florida. We do not have specific flight details yet, but will let you know when we do. We need ALL families to come to Fort Lauderdale by tomorrow to pick up your child! Please bring supplies for your child - diapers, clothes, bottles, shoes, etc... Sorry, we do not have time to send out sizes to everyone, so just do your best guess.
This sent our hearts racing, and minds reeling. We called each other, and just were over the moon. OUR kids had visa's. Re and Er had a visa. They were coming home, and by the next day. We were holding our breath for a official GO. We notified family and friends. We started to get bags packed. I started to mark off things on the list that would never be accomplished. I moved getting coats and shoes for them, as well as travel supplies to the very top of the list. I started to make a plan for the day. I needed to meet a friend at the outlet, and needed to get shoes and coats. Part of the heartbreak of the day, in all honesty, came into this part of the day. I called our church to let them in on what was happening. I called a very good friend of mine. She told me she'd come be with me for the morning. Our friendship had been strained for awhile for various reasons, however I felt she'd be a great support while my mind was kinda racing out of control. I made plans to leave and meet another friend, based on her showing up at a certain time. I waited over a half an hour past the time we were suppose to leave, and she hadn't showed up. I left a note, and raced out the door. I was very saddened and disappointed by this friends actions. By the time I realized she wouldn't be coming, I didn't have time to figure out another option, leaving me by myself for the morning. This person had insisted she was there for me, and at one time we were best friends. It was disheartening. I was already overwhelmed, and I had no ability to filter my reaction when she texted me later, or even when it played out later. One of the lessons I learned through this experience is to ask help of those who are showing up, not those you'd like to show up, or feel should show up. I had many other friends who would have been there in five minutes. However, I quickly held onto a friendship that hadn't worked in a long time, wishing it wasn't strained. It was a sad part of the day, and still makes me sad.
Anyways, onto the rest of the day. I bought coats, shoes, and after a run to Target, had all the travel supplies we needed. I picked up paint samples for the kids rooms. I stopped off at a friends, to deliver paint samples. I came home for nap time, and to pack. I somehow managed to get R and I a couple changes of clothes together, and the kids bags packed.
While I was out and about I got these emails...thankful for Internet on a phone. Otherwise I'd have been stuck at home.
10:22am-Please stand by and be ready to travel… but please hold off until we know final travel details… I know this is hard, but we don’t want any false alarms… We will let you know as soon as we know the plan! BUT… BE OVERJOYED!
11:21am-UPDATE - We still do not have specific flight details. We are working on it and will let all of you know just as soon as we get the details.
In the meantime, it may be best NOT to purchase tickets yet. Please put tickets "on hold" or buy fully refundable ones - as plans for the day and/or city may yet change.
We will let you know just as soon as we can!
12:12pm- Just wanted to let you know that we need you to be on stand by and ready to come to Florida, but do not buy tickets yet until we notify you. We are still not sure of the date or location the children will be coming to, but we will let you know as soon as we do. Dixie is asking that you not call the orphanage or email, but wait until you are notified. If you need to call me, you can call the Colorado office. Thanks for your patience, I understand how you are feeling!
We continued to hold off on tickets. We were at a disadvantage being on the west coast. We had the farthest to go. It takes at least 12 hours to get from here to there. We knew we needed to leave that night if they were coming in the next night. We figured we needed to be on a plane by 11:00pm, if we were to hit the east coast by the next morning. We figured we could wait until 6:00pm to buy tickets. We had friends, who is a pilot in Florida, who offered to fly us anywhere on the east coast we needed to go, if we got to them. We figured we'd fly to Miami, be there in the morning, and then get to where the kids were. But we needed to get to the right side of the States before the next morning. It was nerve wracking. I doubted moment to moment if we should already be in the air. And yet, I knew it would do no good to get halfway to the wrong place. At about 4:20pm, R's mom stopped by to get instructions for the daycare, and the girls. I had daycare parents picking up that I was informing of the plan. It was a general mess around here. I had a couple friends dropping stuff off, and was trying to finish up packing so we could leave quickly.
At 4:42 pm- OK - Official news - The children will be arriving into Miami, Florida tomorrow late evening. The plane is scheduled to depart Haiti at around 7pm (and if it departs on time, will arrive in Miami around 9pm). Once we arrive, the children will be taken to another facility (I do not yet have the specific location), which is where you will be able to pick up your child. However, because of the late hour and the time it will take to get all the children through Immigration and settled, it's looking like most likely (although not definite yet) that we will have families pick up children the next morning. We need ALL families to go to the Miami, Florida area tomorrow. Get a hotel room there, let us know where you will be staying and how to reach you. And we will contact you once we have specific information on how to pick up your child. Please confirm with me that you've gotten this message so that we can be sure you will be there to get your child. Use this email address until tomorrow morning. After 10am eastern time, please use: (no longer important). All families - please be sure to print off all information that you emailed to Joint Council and the State Department. They are saying that these papers will be needed when picking up your child.
Also all families please be sure to bring necessities for your child - clothes, shoes, diapers, bottles, formula, etc... We will not be bringing much with us from Haiti.

I read this and my heart stopped momentarily. It was really happening. Even as I was packing our bags, I was hesitant to really get too excited. I was still holding my breath. I held my breath a looongg time, but I exhaled just a bit in that moment. Immediately, I booked tickets to Miami. We needed to leave in less than 5 hours. R walked into the door of chaos and confusion. We both had things to wrap up before we left, so I headed out for last minutes errands. The girls were a little freaked out at this point, and we had to remind ourselves to slow down and explain what was happening to them. Whatever exhaustion I had felt was gone, and the adrenaline was pumping.
We left our house at 9:00pm. A little bit more than 4 hours after the official go. One day after requesting visa's. It was all a little crazy. Okay, alot crazy. We had many moments where we just looked at each in disbelief. There was a moment at the airport as we waited to board our flight where I just stared at the kids bags, trying to comprehend that we'd be holding them very soon. That the clothes I'd packed, they'd get to wear. I'd be dressing them in it to come home. It was a shocking thought process.
We boarded the plane somewhere around 11:00pm. We flew through the night. We laid over twice, because you don't get to be picky when you book flights 4 hours before you board. We tried to get some sleep. We landed in Miami about 11:00am the next morning.
I'll leave it there for now. The next 48 hours were a wild ride. And I've covered them in detail before. I may go back and fill in some of the gaps.

Remembering Part 2

*an important detail that was shared at the time, but needs to be revisited. Our adoption file, the original documents, had been in the court system in Haiti before the earthquake. We had not heard that we had moved out of Courts, and were unsure where our paperwork was physically at. We received news on the 15th that our paperwork had been delivered from courts to GLA on the day of the earthquake. It was being prepared to go to get attested the next day. We were blessed to be able to physically have our file. This has made a huge difference in not just getting them out, but in getting citizenship.
Back to the 16th, day 4.
We sent our information to JCICS -Joint Council on International Children's Services. They were working with the State Department, USCIS and Department of Human Services. We were being asked for documents indicating we were in Visa stage, but we were no quite there yet. We continued to call Senators, Congressmen, the Clinton Foundation. By the end of this afternoon, I had lost my voice. It forced me to stop for a few hours and rest. I gave myself an afternoon to take a break, and rested my voice. I didn't answer the phone and turned off the computer. It was a much need period of rest.
The next day we continued to ask friends, family, and strangers to call Senators offices. By this point, Senator Wyden's office and Senators Merekley's office were both very supportive and also impressed with the amount of people calling us on our behalf. This day was one of the quieter ones. We were waiting on a decision regarding humanitarian parolee visas. We were waiting on our documents from GLA. We had called and emailed and everyone who needed to work on our behalf, said they would.
The 18th was THE DAY!! Okay, not THE DAY!! But a really good day. That afternoon we received an email from DHS and USCIS asking for documents we could provide. We were hopeful that something was coming together, for sure. That a plan was hatching. We received our documents from GLA later that afternoon. Within 17 minutes I had them downloaded and sent off to USCIS, our official request that our children would be given Humanitarian Parolee Visas, if and when they were issued. At this point there were solid rumors that it could happen, but nothing official. I was hesitant to get my hopes up until I got an official yes. At 6:50pm, we received an official email from The Department of State that there would be humanitarian parolee visa's issued for children from Haiti. We were able to determine that according to the guidelines, our children would qualify! They would be coming home. This day is also my Dad's birthday. I was hoping we'd hear an official word, and waited to call him for his birthday. I was able to tell him, Happy Birthday - they are coming HOME, SOON!!
We went to bed exhilarated that night. I couldn't sleep. I'd wake and think of one more thing we needed to do. One more trip to Target. One more call to make. We had no idea of a time frame, but it sounded like it would literally be a matter of days. We needed to let friends know what we needed help with. We needed to arrange time off work. To pick paint colors. To do laundry. To do..to do...to do....
The next day was spent just getting stuff in order. Completing the to-do list. Making calls and arrangements. It was a day that was vibrant with anticipation. We were giddy with joy and hope. God had shown up and there was no doubt that he'd moved the hearts of government officials, and the Haitian president. He had made months of paperwork, unnecessary. We were dancing in the after affects of an encounter with God.

Remembering...

I used to think it was just mean that every year the day of my Mom's death would roll back around. Couldn't we have a calendar that didn't repeat dates. However, as I've been reading the Old Testament, I realized something significant. It happens as you read the words of God. He uses it to teach you. Anyways, back to revisiting dates, and the Old Testament. There seems to be a pattern I've noticed. God did something significant. Noah built an alter. God did something significant. Abram built an alter. He visited the alter. He remembered. The Israelites see God reveal himself in a mighty way. They build an alter to mark the spot. They recognize it when they come upon it again. They remembered.
So maybe that is what the date is. A remembering. A time to look back and remember what God has done. To not forget. To not lose the lesson. To honor and praise God for what he has done. To remember what he is really capable of. Maybe God created us with a need to have a alter, a marking to remember by. Surely he knows me, and how easily I forget. It's easy to celebrate the good days of remembering. But the hardest days of our lives, it's just easier not to.
So while the remembering is painful, I remember. I choose to revisit the sorrow, to return to the healing. Part of the remembering, is writing it out for me. To fill in the gaps in the history, and to give ALL the GLORY to God that he so rightfully deserves.
So one year ago...
I was sitting down enjoying a quiet moment, remember my mom. Remembering how much she loved Jesus, how much she loved me, and how much of a gap in my life there is without her. I was praying for the strength to finish my day, and for the comfort and peace that only Jesus brings. Grief is a fickle fellow, and I remember that day he had taken up residence with me for the afternoon. He wasn't leaving until I had joined him in an ugly cry, and a time of mourning. As I was starting to recover, and see that this wave of grief would too pass, a friend called. She asked if I'd heard that Haiti had an earthquake? No, but I got off the phone to get on the computer and get details. I remember being numb at this point. No adrenaline rush, or even feeling of being overly concerned. On Facebook it had been posted that our kids were safe, as well as the staff at GLA. After that, I went to CNN, and got the first wind of how bad it was. How really bad it was. How blessed we were that our children were alive. I called R, or he called me. I know we had a conversation. I don't remember what we said, or even if we said much. I just knew we needed to have a connection. Then I prayed, and watched the news, and prayed. I remember feeling hopeless, frustrated, and scared. Scared that our children's hope of coming home that year had just been buried in the rubble. I remember being broken to my core that there was a possibility that our adoption may take years more to be completed, and not believing my heart could take that.
When R came home we just held each other. There were no words to say. We had no reason to believe it actually would be okay. It looked pretty dire. I had never heard of a humanitarian evacuation. My only thought was how we could possibly complete the end of our adoption with Haiti being in such chaos. We received calls, and each time we said we didn't know what would happen it seemed to become more real that they would be stuck in Haiti for a long time. It was one of the darkest nights of my life. To be honest, I had lost hope. I was looking at the earthly realm, and all it frailties as the only reality. And when you are in that place, it's dark and lonely. We were fearful for our children. We were sad that they had been through this horrible experience and we weren't there to comfort and to protect. The feelings of helplessness were enormous. As a mother, I wanted to get on a plane, boat, train, dingy, or flyer saucer to get to them. I wanted to walk through piles of rubble and rings of fire to hold them. And yet, I couldn't. Trapped and Hopeless. If you wondered why we didn't blog more those 10 days, it was because I tend to be unable to blog without being pretty honest. And I was way to vulnerable to put out there how I really was feeling. It looked like I was calm and confident. Nope, just crisis management training in action.
I drifted in and out of sleep. I'd fall asleep and jerk awake trying to figure out a way to get on a plane to Haiti. Twice I got up to get dressed to drive to the airport, only halfway through getting dressed realizing how little that would actually help, and how God was not directing me to do that. My pride was telling me that I just needed to get there and I'd take care of getting them home. That God wasn't going to have this one - I was. And then he'd remind me that wasn't truth. And to go back to bed.
The next day I remember sending R to work, and the kids to school, and crumbling onto the couch, and going to the really ugly cry. You know, the one where your whole body heaves and there isn't time to catch your breath. The kind that breaks your soul wide open, and leaves you raw and open. And God spoke gentle, soothing words into that gap. He brought me back to Isaiah 43. Reminded me of his promises. And gave me a new promise. Isaiah 43:6. "I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." It was a balm to my raw soul. I held onto those words tightly, like a worry stone. Going over and over them, rubbing them when my soul would seize up with worry. I spent the day trying to get as much information about the earthquake, watching news story after news story, refreshing facebook, and searching for any update. I answered calls from friends and family asking if we'd heard anything. I didn't have answers, but every news story seemed to get worse and worse.
Those first few days were dark, and I spent alot of energy fighting off the lies of despair. It was truly a spiritual battle. Would I believe God was really big enough? Would I have faith when the odds were so against us? Did I really trust him to hold my children in his hands when I couldn't have proof of it? It's easy to have faith when the evidence is obvious. It's easier to have comfort when your in pain, even if you don't like the circumstances. But to surrender it all, and trust when all the facts point to a hopeless situation - well, that is a whole other story. To be willing to accept defeat, and to choose to have faith in spite of defeat, brought me to a new place with God. If it all fell apart, would he be enough to heal and sustain? I'd like to think I can say after those few days the answer if yes. That I know without a shadow of doubt. But there is this part of me that remembers the doubt. Remembers the pride. Remembers how easy it was to fall into despair.
Once we started to hear that there was a way for the kids to come home, all my energy went into making it happen. God had provided a way, and I was going to hold up my end. I couldn't get on a plane, but I could contact every 'important' person to beg, plead, and beg some more to hear my kids story. We were blessed by the friends, families, and strangers who acted on our children's behalf. We spent the next day or two calling, emailing and calling again everyone we could think of who might have the slightest influence on the US Government agencies that needed to act. By the 15th, three days later, we were starting to see the possibility of getting them home becoming a possible reality.
One of the hardest part of those first days was feeling like we were focusing on our own need to have the kids home, and not being able to focus on the needs in Haiti. That the attention we were drawing to our story, wasn't bringing the needs of Haiti into the spotlight. We had to remind ourselves that GLA asked us for this specific help, that only we as adoptive parents could provide. We had to trust that God would reveal through the media attention that which he wanted revealed. The media attention is a whole other aspect of those days that still makes me cringe a little. That we sought out the spotlight. That we were news worthy. Understand clearly - we needed the media. We know that the media coverage made a difference. However, R and I, had a hard time with it. It felt prideful. I remember when Koin 6 called me wanting to just ignore the call and not go there. Maybe it's growing up in a small town and having everyone know your business, maybe it's not feeling worthy of the attention. I don't know. I just know that is was hard to do. And it was hard to do on our own behalf, and not want to just plead with people to give to Haiti. To let it be about us.
Well, that was a longer post than I intended. Alot to remember. Alot of gaps to fill in. I'm still skimming over some of the details, but some aren't worthy of remembering or no longer seem significant once held under the microscope of time and perspective.
Well, I got to day 3 of 10. I'll be back with days 3-6 in the next couple days. Those were some really GOOD days. God showed up in some big ways. Ways I've not shared before. Ways I've held to myself, in part because I'm selfish and didn't want to share. In part because I haven't taken the time to remember and write it out. But remembering is good for the soul.