Thankful for...

R- his willingness to stick around through anything. For putting up with my mood swings, craziness, and somehow loving me through it all.

Ce-her tender and kind heart. Her willingness to be an extra pair of hands and eyes.

P-her sweet and loving spirit. For her quiet and loving affection. For being willing to take on being a big sister with a loving heart.

R-his energy and openness to having a new family. For his acceptance of us and openness to being loved.

Er-her ability to keep us on our toes and in lots of laughter. Her excitement and joy over the possibility of what tomorrow brings



For the love and support of our family and friends this last year. For our home, that is dry and warm. For medical care and antibiotics. For food and water. For warmth and light.



This last year has been full of lessons. We couldn't have imagined this time last year, what the next 12 months would hold. Or the lessons to be had.



If there is one lesson we are most grateful for it is this...

God is who God is, regardless of our situation. He is a God of redemption and restoration. That fact is not dependent on how I feel in the moment, or what the situation looks to be. He has restored and redeemed. He is restoring and redeeming. Right now. In the moments when the grace is evident. And even in the moments when it doesn't feel like it's ever going to be okay. Especially in those moments. We are grateful for all those moments.



We came close to losing our two children in January. No matter how others viewed our relationship with them, they were our children, as much a part of us as our biological children. The fact that they lived in another country didn't change that. There were moments of sheer terror that they'd never live in our family. That an earthquake was going to somehow disrupt God's plan. But God is who God is...regardless of the facts in the moment. And he redeemed the situation. In the moments we thought there was no hope, he was already working out the details. His ability to move mountains wasn't based on our faith. He is who He is.

And in the moments of incomparable grief, when healing seemed to be an impossibility - God was binding together their broken hearts. When we wondered if we'd ever start to feel like a family, he was creating bonds between us. When we looked at the checkbook, and it felt as if there wasn't enough, he was already bringing provision.

God is who He is. He is the God of redemption. Not just one time at the cross, but daily in our relationships to him and to each other. I'm grateful for so much, but if it all was gone tomorrow I'd still be grateful for a God who is.

Strength...

I keep seeing on Facebook this quote..."GOD WON'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT THE WORLD WAS CAVING IN ON YOU, YOU GOT THROUGH IT. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH GOD'S POWER, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT."
And I get this unease in my spirit every time I read it. I've been told by well-meaning people, the same thing. "God wouldn't have given you two children from Haiti if he didn't think you could handle it.", " I know things are hard, but you are strong enough. " "You don't know how strong you until you have to be strong enough."
And here is problem with those statements... they make God this God who dishes out hard stuff, to have you handle it. If you just know you can, you can. If you just pull up your bootstraps and believe God gave you the crap in your life, you can somehow love him for it and get through it.
Now, I have two problems with this. One, it's not biblical. NO WHERE can I find where God gave his people something and then told them to handle it-they are strong enough. NOPE, not there. He repeatedly told the Israelites, REPEATEDLY, to turn to him and let HIM do the work. He says that in our WEAKNESS, he is strong. He will handle it.
And second, in our darkest moments, we all know how really silly it is to think we can handle life. It's hard. Really hard some days. As in, there are days I quake in my shoes at what the day holds. I know I'm incapable of being everything that I need to be to do all I need to do. And in the dark moments in the last year, I have truly learned how inadequate I am. Not in a 'I have bad self-esteem' way. But a humbling, on my knees way. In a way, 'only God can heal this'. In that I have learned that I am not strong enough for my life. I'm not loving enough, compassionate enough, understanding enough to heal the deep chasm of grief that is present in my son's heart. That no matter how much I love him, it won't heal the loss of his original family, country, caregivers, friends, and culture. That in the moments of wailing grief, I'm not enough.
But the beautiful thing is this...I don't have to be strong enough. I won't ever be the healing power in my son's life. I won't ever be able to keep up with everything that needs done. God doesn't want me to try. He wants my surrender and dependence on him. He is big enough to heal the grief. His words will heal. His love will be big enough. He will empower me to understand what he needs me to do this day. In my weakness and surrender, he will accomplish his work through me. He doesn't need me to power though the tough days, but to surrender to his work. And when I do, I move out of his way, and the healing and work can be accomplished.
So instead, "Life is overwhelming at times, and can be harder than we can ever handle. But we don't have to power through it, God designed us to be in loving relationship with him, and he is present in all things. And when we surrender to this process of relationship, the hard things take on a new meaning and he is our ever present help in the moments that overwhelm us. He is the one who takes the load and is strong."
This is such a paradigm shift for me. I am fiercely independent. I think I can be pretty strong on my own. I used to really have it together. God has really taught me this last year how silly it is to try to be strong enough. How much energy is expended, and how much it interferes with his loving work in my life and my family. How much the feeling of failure erodes your spirit. How it puts wedges in your relationship with the loving father, who wants us to rely on him alone.

Halloween

We trick or treated last night. For the first time. Seriously, we have NEVER really taken the kids out to the neighborhood to knock on strangers doors for free candy. All the 'right' reasons behind this decision. Blah, blah, blah...until we found ourselves without a church carnival to attend (which for the record, we could have gone back to our old church and would have been welcomed, but it would have been confusing for the kids) and a beautiful evening and kids having fun. Re exclaimed, "Mom, Life is good, let's not change anything!" Ce and P, who also had never trick or treated, were enjoying this funny American tradition for the first time also. It was really fun to do as a family. They looked out for each other, said Thank You's and we were proud that they were ours. So while, we know it wasn't probably the most Christian right thing to do, I can't help but grin when I think of our kids walking together, helping each other avoid the curbs in the dark and sharing their stash when we got home. So our first Halloween was a raging success!

Just think of Christmas a coming...