Missing them...

Okay, so I've kept my stiff upper lip. I've said all the right things, to myself and those who ask. I sometimes even convince myself. But gosh, darn it - I miss my kids. Actually it's more like, **mn it - I want my kids.
Just keeping it real, folks. It's hard. Harder than I thought it would be. As if one can imagine this, without the experience. If one could, one would NOT do it. Seriously - you wouldn't subject yourself to it.

I think I wrote at one point about the waiting. If I knew how-I'd provide a link. But I don't, so you can just go back to last fall. Anyways I related it to clothing. Something about every month being another layer. A little more uncomfortable every month.

Yeah, well - it's starting to feel like a freakin down snowsuit that is a size too small. Like we came back and it was waiting for us to return. And now we can't figure out how to go back to a few layers. The first couple weeks, it wasn't too bad. But I swear this week, someone zipped it up- in the back. And then sucked the air out of it. Like those stupid space saving bags.

Maybe it was going on vacation without them. Maybe it was all the time spent telling about the trip and showing off pictures to family and friends. Maybe it was just too much time on my hands to think about it. Maybe I've just allowed myself the space and freedom to go to that place of how I really feel about it in the bad moments. I don't know really, and maybe it doesn't matter. But I miss them. I want them here. I want to be a mom to them, and not it a long distance kinda way. Yeah, long distance parenting works about as well as a long distance relationship - it sucks!

Anyways, on a funny note. We were at R's grandma's house. She gets those Claire Wright catalogs. The kind they only send out to the over 55 age. And you won't believe what they sell in them. Seriously. Sex aids. Sex toys. Lube. Male enhancement products. Full pictures and everything. Next to the upside down tomato pots, the microwave bacon cooker, and moo-moo's. I was so unprepared, and when my sister in law showed me - well, it was a much needed laugh.

Another random thought - because I am just that random lately. There is a great country song. The main line is "God is great, Beer is good, and People are crazy". I'm thinking putting it up in my kitchen. Is that too redneck? If it was wine is good- is that classier? Maybe I shouldn't make any major decisions right now. Like what to attach permanently to walls. I seem to be a little on the irrational side right now.

More trip details...

Okay, so we've recovered. We're finally processing food correctly. We're sleeping again. We're following traffic laws again. We've processed. Here is what we know for sure after our trip.
-We miss our kids. A LOT. Every day. Every hour. Sometimes it's enough to make a deep breath painful. Sometimes it's just lingering in the background of everyday life. But it's always there. It's different now - our arms know how their bodies feel. And now they ache for them. Our ears know their voices, and long to hear them call for us. Our hearts are committed to parenting them, but they aren't here. Our souls are committed to love them, but from afar for now.
-We felt alive in Haiti. In a completely different way then we ever have before. We really don't know what that means. A part of me says to pack up and move our bums to Haiti to live. To have our family together. To serve God in a place that so glaringly needs Jesus's hands and feet to be present. To hold babies, to teach preschools, to love on those Jesus loves. And yet, there is no calling for us to do that now.
-We see America, it's excess, it's wealth and prosperity differently. There was a moment in the Miami airport. We had went to a buffet restaurant for dinner. I ordered a fish dinner. They gave me 10 pieces of fish. I couldn't finish it and wasn't going to take it on the plane for 6 hours. So I went to throw it away, and I looked in the garbage can. And there was enough food for a family for a week in that one can alone. And I paused and was repulsed. I was holding a plate of food, and it was going to be wasted. Two hours earlier I had been in a place of true poverty. The differences were startling. I can't help but judge myself harshly - I over consume, I over indulge, I think I'm entitled. But I'm not.
-It's hard to come to terms with the unfairness of it. I know I don't deserve to have more than the Haitian mother who gives her child up. But I have so much more. It's not fair that we have money for vacations, fancy homes, new cars, dinners out, etc. I know we all say we work hard and 'earn' it. And while it's unAmerican to say it -I didn't earn this lifestyle I'm blessed with. The people of Haiti didn't do anything to 'earn' a life of poverty and I think they must work hard just to survive. Harder than I do for sure. It's kinda like survivor's guilt. Why them and not me.
-We have a lot of people who prayed us through our trip, through our adoption, and over us. It is an amazing experience to be the center of such energy.
-No matter what people say about racial relations in the good ol' USA, it's discerning to the only one of your color in a room. Regardless of how you feel about race, when you are the only one who is different, you know it and so does everyone else in the room. I think we are more accepting and less likely to make unfair judgements based on some one's color. However, it's still noticed. By both sides. It was a good experience to be on the other side of that coin. It humbled me and gave me a much needed perspective.
-We can't go by ourselves next time. We need another person, to carry bags, hold kids, help with whatever that needs done. It was crazy with just us, carry on's and the Haitian airport.

A friend just called and is stopping by. LOVE IT! Nothing better than a friend dropping by.

Report on trip to Haiti -Part 1

Okay, there is no possible way to put our trip into one post. Well, I could but it would be way to long to expect anyone to read.

So here is short summaries of highlights and I'll write more in depth later.

Right before going to the Toddler House to meet the kids for the first time. Feeling excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and unbelievably united. Something about the trip gave us this feeling of being us against the rest of the world. I like that somehow I managed to angle the camera to hide the bags under my eyes. Holding Er for the first time. The book is one I sent with pictures of us. I was pointing to me in the book, saying Mama and pointing to myself. And I think she was thinking I had lost a part of my mind. Her hair is so sweetly done, and she smelled like Johnson's baby lotion.

R and Re. My two boys. Re just had to check out everything in my purse. Item by item. He wanted to know how it all worked, and settled on the MP3 player as the item of choice.

We were able to file our paperwork. It was a little crazy, as our social worker that was to help us, left his ID and couldn't come in with us. That is a post all by itself. Lets just say we were entertaining.

We ate the most delicious mango I've ever tasted. It was actually one of the most amazing things I've ever ate. Perfectly sweet. Melt in your mouth. Rich and light at the same time. Oh my, I'd live there just for the mango. Then I had to go eat banana's to offset the mango. Even the banana's are better there.

There are no traffic laws. No speed limits. And no road maintenance crew. And surprisingly not many accidents. I was born to drive there.

I have such appreciation for the sacrifices the staff makes to live and work in Haiti. They don't have to, I'm sure they are not fairly compensated in earthly terms. I asked what they missed the most and they answered freedom. How do you thank someone for giving up their freedom? They are amazing people, and I don't know how to bring 'freedom' in my suitcase.

The storms made R very happy. Thunder. Lightening. Rain. Downpour. And it was right over our heads. No one was too concerned. Unlike here, the week before. They cancelled school activities for a storm that had nothing on this one. I think we are overreative as Americans.

Being white doesn't make you stand out in Haiti. Trying to be on time, speaking english, and having frizzed out hair makes you stand out. As well as having a blank look on your face as people continue to speak french to you. And note to self, speaking louder and slowly does not induce comprehension.

I need help with Er hair. Serious help. HELP.....or she is going to wear a head scarf all the time.

Okay, that is what is hanging out in my brain today. I'll update more as I have time, and tell you all the interesting details. Again, we were entertaining.

May Update and a meltdown

We received our May update yesterday. Let me say that I've been a bit over emotional. As excited as I am to go to Haiti, I keep coming back to the thought that I will have to walk away from my children. I will have to leave them. I'm not abandoning them, but what must it feel like to them?
Here is their side of the story (in my mind). I lose my mother, my brother goes to the hospital to die, and my father takes me to a strange building with strange people and leaves me there. I see my Papa once in awhile, but he never takes me home. I miss him and my sibling terribly, and I want to go home with them. The grownup's here keep telling me I have a new family. They live far away, and they even sent pictures. I also got sandals, and they are really neat. They are coming to see me. I'm really excited to be with them. I can't wait to be a family again.

So when we leave in two weeks, and they stay. What will their hearts feel? Loved because we visited, or will they feel abandoned again. We'll they wonder if we are just coming to visit like their Papa? Will they wonder if we didn't love them and decided not to take them? Will they trust that we won't leave again, the next time we go? That is my fear. That their souls will be forever scarred by our leaving them. The way their hearts are forever changed by their birth mothers death, and their Papa's surrendering them.

Saturday I went hiking. Spent some time alone with God. Cried, really cried, ugly tears. I turned to a now familiar passage in Isaiah 43:1-4.

But now, this is what the Lord says-he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers; they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you."

Here is what I heard...

Anita, this is God, your loving father. I created you to do this. When you are on the plane, and the anxiety hits, I will be with you. When you are overwhelmed in the airport, I will be there. When you have to leave your children, and grief overwhelms you - you will not be swept away. When the pain of saying good-bye burns deeply- you and your children's hearts will be protected from damage. Your children and you, are precious to me, honored by me, and I love you. I will be there, every step, every deep breath, every moment of joy, and tear of sorrow. You can do this, and I'm not asking more of you than I know you are capable of.

I have had an amazing peace about the trip since then. I am still so sad I have to leave them, and I imagine a meltdown will happen at some point on the way home. But we will all come out of it okay.

When got our update. It's a video. It's beautiful. A very loving volunteer put it together, and there is a short video at the end of Re and Er said goodbye.

We are going to Haiti

GOOD NEWS ... we are leaving June 15th to visit Re an Er and do paperwork in Haiti. While we won't be bringing them home this trip, we are overjoyed to visit.
I have lots of thoughts on it, and am still processing them. I'll spill them at some point, I'm sure. In the meanwhile, here is what is also going on.
-C returned from Outdoor school. P and her took a whole 10 minutes together to have a fight. Then they were grounded for the day. Then they both went into meltdown. Oh, and I was on the phone with a nice lady from the bank. The bank we are asking for a loan from. A loan to adopt. I think she wonders if that is a good idea.
-It's sunny today and should be during this three day weekend. That I foolishly grounded my kids for. What was I thinking?? I should have sent them out to pull weeds instead.
-Russ and I had a great 'marriage retreat' last weekend. We have homework to do. TNT- Two Nice Things (with no expectations ) and another 'talking' assignment. I've done one nice thing-took him a coffee to work, and plan on giving a foot massage tonight. I'm not sure what R has done. Unless he considers telling me he is naked under this clothes is suppose to count. Which it doesn't - because of the 'no expectations' clause to the assignment.

I swear I'll write more about the upcoming trip. What we can expect, what we will do while we are there, and why the trip is worth it.

Exciting News!!

Last Week we recieved news that our file has been approved by IBESR. That is Haiti's 'social services' department. We were overjoyed, and to honest, very surprised. We hadn't even considered it a possibility to have it exit IBESR before the summer. It's all about low expectations. So we are onto Parquet. While the orpahange said it could take 2-9 months, we're planning on the 9 months. And praying to be shocked one day to get an email before next Feb that it's moved on.

The other exciting news...I woke up with a burr in my bonnet to get somethings done around the house I've been neglecting. Like cleaning the fridge. And shredding the piles of papers I've got hanging around. And cleaning the fridge, because it's now beyond gross. I'm a little scared of what I might find.

I also am going to be making some calls today that will help me to set my summer schedule. I've been really feeling God asking me to stop being in a one-sided relationship with him. All take, no give. All about what I care about, only a little of what he cares about. Time spent when it's time for 'church'. Church being a social event. So many thoughts on this I don't even know how to articulate.
But I know he wants me to care about what he cares about. The sick, the poor, the needy, and be prepared to get messy about it. Not just write a check. Not just pray about it. Not just think about it. So I'm going to be making calls to see how where I can be used. And I truly believe I will spend more time with God there, than I have anywhere else.
I also feel drawn to schedule time with God. Not just 15 minutes of 'bible study' and not making sure we make all the church events. But a day with him. Walking with him, talking, reading, just being with him. The relationship (besides God) that is most important to me is R. And I schedule time for us to be alone. To talk, to walk, to just be in each other presence without distraction. And it has occurred to me that this is a very necessary thing to do with my relationship God. It feels funny to 'pencil' God into the calendar. Okay, I'll write it in pen. He's God, he's always with me, and yet I find that if I don't actually create a space in the calendar it's too easy to have the days fly by and feel like I haven't had time to really connect with him.
It has come down to a point where if it can't be bigger than just doing the church, bible study, and giving thing, then I can't do it anymore. Because I know he wants more than that. He wants us to LOVE being with him, and just him. He wants us to LOVE him enough to meet those who he loves even if they aren't who we love. And I deeply desire more than that. One a soul level, that desires nothing more than to be the beautiful woman God created.

So exciting things are happening around here. God is really challenging me, really asking me to walk away from my comfort zone- and not look back. And it's the most exciting place to be. On a soul level, to know you are working to be the person you are created to be. Knowing you are are going to meet your Creator in a whole new way, and get to know him in a completely different way than ever before.

Motherhood

Ten things I just love about being a Mom...
1. Holding my kids, smelling their hair, and snuggling
2. Hearing about their world, through their own unique perception
3. Watching them discover how to be kind, loving, and compassionate and how good it can feel
4. Seeing my husband as a father through their eyes
5. The lessons in grace, forgiveness, and love that come as I try to figure out this parenting gig
6. The sound of them coming through the door after school
7. Hearing them laugh, giggle, snort and come unglued by something funny
8. Learning to play and have fun all over again
9. Watching them discover God, how much he loves them, how much he adores them, and how to love him back
10. The unconditional love they have for me, and our family

Ten things I just looove (insert sarcasm) about Motherhood
1. Skid marked underwear in the laundry
2. Homework woes - Sunday night bedtime declarations of homework yet undone
3. Pee on the bathroom floor
4. Meltdowns over small details
5. Moping because they didn't get what they think they 'neeeeed'
6. The judgement we as mothers are so quick to dish out to each other
7. Endless laundry
8. The arguments from disagreements over parenting differences
9. Endless laundry (I really loooove doing laundry)
10. The truth that it will end someday, and while I'll always be a mom -they won't always need me.